Same sex attraction - your perspective?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2008 10:43 AM GMT
    I'm curious to see what members here think about the concept of same sex attraction, and in particular whether it is the 'sex' of your partner, or the 'sameness' of your partner's sex (relative to your own) that determines attraction/desire.

    I apologise for the clunky way of wording this question - I'm not having the most articulate of days today...

    In other words - do you think your attraction to other guys is because they are male, or because they are the same sex as you?

    The reason I am asking is because over the last few years I've observed some shifts in my own (physical) attraction to guys. Prior to transitioning (I am FTM) I wasn't really into guys. However, these days - now that I am more male bodied, I find myself much more attracted to guys and more open to the idea of hooking up with a guy. Prior to transition (while I wasn't necessarily conscious of this at the time), I think the main reason for not being open to guys was because hooking up with a guy while female bodied would've made me feel female and thus probably would've created a lot of psychological dissonance for me (regardless of how masculine I was or how I expressed my gender). The other interesting thing I've experienced since becoming more male bodied is a decrease in my attraction to girls.

    In talking to friends about this stuff, I've also learned that quite a few of my (gold star) lesbian identified friends dig boy on boy porn (especially if given a choice out of gay or hetero porn), in part because they say they can relate more to 'same sex desire' and find that hot. However none of these friends say they would hook up with a guy.

    This observation, together with my own experience, leads me to hypothesise whether attraction/desire is (at least for some people) contingent on the sex of a person relative to one's own sex

    Anyways...what do you think, is it the same-sex-ness of being with another guy that is hot?

    Hypothetically speaking (I realise the limits of hypotheticals...but still), if you were female bodied, do you think you'd still go for guys?

    For those of you who identify as exclusively gay - do you ever find girl on girl action hot?
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    Oct 22, 2008 10:53 AM GMT
    For what it's worth, I'm exclusively gay and nope, girl-on-girl attraction just isn't hot to me.
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    Oct 22, 2008 11:03 AM GMT

    wow , It's interesting to hear from you how attraction is changed as the sex changed ..

    I think we wouldn't be able to answer the question as we never experienced your case .. so for us , being attracted to a male because he's a male or because he's the same sex as us ... it's the same ..

    But I'll promise u I'll think about it more.. since I never really got deep into that question ..

    See u later here

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2008 12:43 PM GMT
    I guess I have never really thought about it. I have always been male oriented in terms of my interests as well as my sexual attractions. I never played with dolls or played house when I was a kid. I was into toy cars and playing war. I have rarely had close female friends. The only "female" aspect of my character that I can think of is my distaste of violence and my naturally monogamous nature. I have never found lesbian sex interesting.

    If I was female would I be attracted to guys? I don't know, I don't think it is possible to answer a question like that. If I was female I would be an entirely different person.
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    Oct 22, 2008 1:04 PM GMT


    Hey! We'd both like to begin by extending the warmest of welcomes!

    We also think you bring up an important thought provoking aspect of sexuality. There was program not long ago here on Canadian TV that dealt with this issue, in this case men becoming female and voila, discovering an attraction to women!

    Like attracted to like indeed. That said, there also many transgendered people that this doesn't happen to; we know of at least two men that are now female and are happily married to men. So there doesn't seem to a 'rule of thumb' regarding this.

    With great respect for your journey, and wishing you great success, we'd also like to add that this change is still in progress for you, so as your gender change continues, it would be fascinating to hear about whether or not aspects of attraction will continue to change for you over the next year or so.

    Doug n Bill
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    Oct 22, 2008 1:32 PM GMT
    I don't think I've ever considered the "sameness" aspect of my sexual attraction to men, and my lack of attraction to women.

    There are primary & secondary sexual characteristics. The male primary we know, but I also love the overall male body shape, male muscles, a male face, a male voice. I prefer the whole male lifestyle, even a man's clothes over a woman's.

    A female body doesn't turn me on at any point, except sometimes the ass, but only when it looks like a man's - LOL! Seriously, I like a trim male butt, not a woman's broad bottom.

    In other words, I'm not fixated with the sex organs alone (until it's time), but with the whole concept of a man. I think I'm just fundamentally attracted to men, and it's totally subconscious and involuntary. I know what I like when I see it, without having to give it any prior thought or explanation.

    If I were female-bodied, per your hypothetical question, I don't know what I'd like. That would depend on what orientation I was as a female. I might be attracted to other females, or maybe males. I don't think my own gender would be important, unless I was listening to external advice from family & society, as to the conventions of how I should act.

    I hope I'd still know what I like when I see it.
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    Oct 22, 2008 3:12 PM GMT
    I wonder if it's related to hormone intake. I'd guess you have to be on hormone injection now? maybe the hormone level cause you to change your desire? Some transsexuals actually changed back and forth their interest in sex and even their own sex.
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    Oct 22, 2008 4:50 PM GMT
    Personally for me the fact that it's the same isn't what attracts me it's the idea of a man. Just as Red Vespa said I'm all about what makes a man a man and a woman just doesn't have any response.
  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    Oct 22, 2008 5:04 PM GMT
    SurrealLife saidI guess I have never really thought about it. I have always been male oriented in terms of my interests as well as my sexual attractions. I never played with dolls or played house when I was a kid. I was into toy cars and playing war. I have rarely had close female friends. The only "female" aspect of my character that I can think of is my distaste of violence and my naturally monogamous nature. I have never found lesbian sex interesting.

    If I was female would I be attracted to guys? I don't know, I don't think it is possible to answer a question like that. If I was female I would be an entirely different person.



    I have had the same experience, SurrelLife
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2008 5:20 PM GMT
    I'm definitely attracted to guys because they are similar to me. Being physically the same is important but even more so, is being mentally similar.
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    Oct 22, 2008 5:29 PM GMT
    oo, oo, oo! marc_four, am i similar enough to you? icon_biggrin.gif
  • gumbosolo

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    Oct 22, 2008 5:30 PM GMT
    What a fascinating question . . . one I've had pass through my mind but never given serious thought to. I'm inclined to say I'd be attracted to men no matter what-- mostly because I've found myself playing a more feminine role with some guys than others-- my gender-stereotyped behavior changes more easily than my attractions. But with regular estrogen injections, who knows what could happen? I'll be interested to see if any others have had this experience, but I haven't yet met any other ftm trans on RJ.
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    Oct 22, 2008 5:39 PM GMT
    I don't think I can pin my own desires to gender or sex. There is nothing in my desires that is inherently male. I have been attracted to the most fem guys on the planet as well as the butchest with no particular pattern. Even things like gender-play I find to be completely neutral.

    My point, is that attraction is multifaceted and obscure to everyone, including the person who has those specific attractions. Things like desire, sexuality, and gender are fluid thing ands today's kink is tomorrow's yawn-inducing sexual encounter. You could spend now until doomsday looking for the root of your own desires but so many things inform our desires we can never understand them in their entirety. You can look, but don't forget to enjoy them too. icon_biggrin.gif

    All the best.
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    Oct 22, 2008 5:46 PM GMT
    I think you are experiencing a chemical romance.
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    Oct 22, 2008 10:12 PM GMT

    notice that lot's of guys looking for look-a-likes .. but does it mean they look for a male just because he looks like them/ same sex as they are .. I guess not ..

    But I did hear of some cases of MTFs that look for girlfriends .. it's confusing .. But I guess we never can't generalize this case and say that
    "Homosexual attraction is in the first place an attraction to soembody whose the same sex as you physically " ...

    a spotlight ..do we have to solve it ??
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 22, 2008 10:30 PM GMT
    Interesting topic. My vote goes for being attracted to guys because they are male not because of a similarity. It's difficult to know how my perspective would change if I were female, but I'd guess I would still be attracted to men. I don't find girl-on-girl action hot.

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    Oct 22, 2008 10:50 PM GMT
    Wow!

    You really made me think a lot about sexuality and attraction.
    Thank you very much for your post, atari.
    icon_smile.gif

    To answer your question, i think if i was a girl....
    i'd still like guys...

    To put it succinctly, I'm not attracted to the idea of being with someone of the same sex, i'm attracted to the fact that men are freaking hot icon_razz.gif
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    Oct 22, 2008 11:06 PM GMT
    I think I would be highly attracted to Marc_Four whether I was a guy or a girl. icon_lol.gif
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    Oct 22, 2008 11:09 PM GMT
    I have a trans-male client undergoing transition who has had the identical experience. He concludes, somewhat like you, that his sexual attraction to men was earlier inhibited by feelings the sexplay stimulated -- both an explicit reminder of his "incorrect" genital physiology plus a feeling of humiliation and submission connected to repeated earlier molestation by his brother. As he transitions, his sense of autonomy and power has increased.

    I might add that he is somewhat embarrassed by the apparent reclamation of autonomy with a shift toward the male gender, since, being a queer theory type, he prefers not to subscribe to the usual binaries.

    The Humping Zombie expresses my own feelings about gender and sexual attraction. I've been all over the map with both genders and I'm left with the sense that desire is situational in just about every respect. I think this is a good thing, although the culture really does attempt to enforce the usual binaries wherever possible.
  • Rightguard

    Posts: 34

    Oct 23, 2008 12:08 AM GMT
    Really interesting!

    I think I have attraction to males for being male. I don't really think its because they are the same sex, for me anyways, and I definitely understand that it could be different for others, or that it may even be impossible for me to fully comprehend.

    If I were born a woman, I think I would have been reallllly in to guys. Probably even some 'penis envy' thrown in there. Quite possibly even wanting a sex change. This is a really interesting topic to think about, my mind is wandering all over the place now. icon_razz.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Oct 23, 2008 12:38 AM GMT
    I never thought about it as being attracted to the "sameness" as I am
    I'm attracted to a male as a man ....
    I dunno, I think it's the samething as debating whether you like lemons because they make lemonade or because they're yellow
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 23, 2008 12:41 AM GMT
    Come to think of it... I've never really thought of it that much.

    But there's definitely a part of me which just isn't attracted sexually to feminine behavior. Sure I can find it alluring, mysterious, oozing with sex appeal and yet paradoxically, totally zero in actual physical attraction. For example, I find Indian (South Asian) women amazingly sexy, but I doubt I can actually get in bed with one and *cough* 'perform'. icon_razz.gif

    In fact any effeminate characteristics (or even just the exoticization of features, like plucked eyebrows, or emphasized cheekbones etc.) in males, like in Bishounens for example, can make me admire his 'beauty' but feel no sexual desire whatsoever. :/ And they are male.

    The whole 'mystique' thing just kills my drive. I like comfortable friendship, honesty, a sense of equal footing, etc. Not the yin yang of male-female, naive-worldly, open-mysterious etc. relationships.

    Since I can't really imagine what I would be like if I was born a woman, I can't really say for sure. But I grew up with 4 sisters, if that counts, LOL, and I think I know how heterosexual females think, and it's totally alien to me icon_confused.gif. I think my attraction is based primarily on that... well... different bond that same sexes share. While heterosexuality thrives on differences and opposites, homosexuality thrives in that friendship bond first and foremost, the lack of inhibition in terms of certain emotions and the repression of sexual desire that marks most friendships.

    I think that's why most of us gay men first realize we were gay by falling in love with either our childhood bestfriends or a really close friend. icon_razz.gif

    I dunno. The dynamics is different in male-male relationships (even nonsexual ones), the combination of boisterous friendship and the hastily concealed brief sexual flashes... hm... it might just be the reason for me. icon_razz.gif

    Anyway, great topic! And welcome to the forums! icon_biggrin.gif

  • metalxracr

    Posts: 761

    Oct 23, 2008 12:50 AM GMT
    I have thought about the same sex thing often, it seems like a valid point. I think if I were a girl I'd be attracted to girls too and guys.

    I love being a guy and I look up to other guys and hope to be like them sometimes. I think it has some part to do with my homosexuality.

    So in turn I'd probably run into the same situation if I was a girl.

    But I can understand about the porn.

    There are some hot lesbian porn videos I've seen, and I have masturbated to them, but I'd have to do some serious contemplating before hooking up with a girl.
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    Oct 23, 2008 12:51 AM GMT
    I guess I am going away from most here and saying that, yes, I am attracted to the sameness. There is something about having a body with all these wonderful parts and seeing them mirrored in another and knowing what it feels like for someone else who has a similar body to mine.

    Do they feel what I feel? Can they feel it like I do?
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    Oct 24, 2008 2:46 AM GMT
    I can relate somewhat regarding changing sexuality.

    For me, increasingly, attraction is more about admiring one's good looks or body and a subconscious desire to be similar. I would be more inclined to be friends with that person, though not necessarily a sexual attraction.

    I also had a brief period perhaps during puberty in which I was very sexually attracted to the female body.