Ex hooking up with my best friend..that's mess up, right?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 02, 2013 12:22 AM GMT
    Okay, so I'd really appreciate people's input on this subject, and sorry for the length of this post. I was in NYC two weekends ago with my closest gay friend and his roommate. My ex happened to be in the city as well that night. Now, my ex and my friend never met prior to that weekend, but used to hate each other and just started to talk recently and we all seemed to be on good terms.

    Anyway, we were all going to meet up but my gay friend was very against going to gay bars, which is where my ex was, so we did what he wanted to do instead and just went to straight bars. Then we headed back to our friend's apartment, ready to pass out for the night, and he decides he wants to go out again. Our other friend and I decided to stay in and just went to sleep. A few hours later I wake up to my ex and my friend coming in. So already I'm agitated because my friend all of a sudden was cool going to the gay bar, but whatever.

    So, they bunk up on the air mattress and we all pass out. A bit later I wake up, to what? My ex and my closest friend jerking each other off..with me and another person in the same room, obviously with them thinking we were both asleep. Not wanting to deal with how f'ing awkward the situation was in that moment, I just tried to ignore it and went back to sleep. The next day I wake up early and leave for a few hours, got coffee, met up with a friend, etc. I come back, my ex is gone, and my friend just stays pretty much silent the whole time, neither ever mentioning what happened. It's now been 2 weeks, my ex has not brought up the situation and my friend has just not contacted me since that weekend.

    Now, I'm feeling pretty betrayed and thinking what they did is extremely messed up. Am I justified in feeling this way? In my opinion, a friend would never do that to another friend.
  • LoveAndPeace

    Posts: 460

    May 02, 2013 3:12 PM GMT
    Yes very messed up.He obviously knows what he is doing is wrong and it seems like he planned it all.Tell him to go fuck himself icon_biggrin.gif
  • Montague

    Posts: 5205

    May 02, 2013 3:19 PM GMT
    Ex you say? Forget about him already! And your friend must of been talking to him before that night to of found that one guy in NYC out of thousands.
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    May 02, 2013 3:20 PM GMT
    He doesn't like a best mate haha what a dog
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    May 02, 2013 3:41 PM GMT
    honestly, sh*t like this used to bother me all the time in my 20's and early 30's...now, I read this and my first thought is "who cares?"...

    enjoy your life and spend it the way you want with people that will fill it with positive memories...let others find their own happiness or misery on their own time and their own way...

    You're ex is just that (and probably for a reason)...now, if you're really "butt hurt" about your friend's actions...talk to him and tell him how you feel, but I would stop before telling him how to live his life...

    good luck.

    - David icon_wink.gif
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    May 02, 2013 3:53 PM GMT
    David (above me here) always - without fail - has good solid advice and this is no exception. This is what comes with years of experience and is one of the best parts of going through life on our own learning paths.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    May 02, 2013 3:55 PM GMT
    Alcohol, testosterone, close proximity on an air mattress.....at the time I am guessing that "It seemed the right thing to do".

    This is not an excuse, just an explanation.
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    May 02, 2013 4:11 PM GMT
    ithguy saidAm I justified in feeling this way? In my opinion, a friend would never do that to another friend.


    If the breakup was really recent and there are still a lot of tender feelings, then I'd say you're justified. But if it's been a while and you're over the ex and on friendly terms, then I would say, get over it. Why would your friend anticipate that you would think that hooking up with your ex was a betrayal?

    Though it was tacky of them to do it in the same room as you.
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    May 02, 2013 4:15 PM GMT
    That IS Fucked up.

    Make sure you hide their bodies somewhere....
    Remember to wash your hands after.
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    May 02, 2013 4:33 PM GMT
    dfrourke saidhonestly, sh*t like this used to bother me all the time in my 20's and early 30's...now, I read this and my first thought is "who cares?"...You're ex is just that (and probably for a reason


    I just made a thread on this topic the other day: How 1 of my friends had the nerve to tell me at a party, "I'm not allowed" to get with his x from God knows how long ago (couldn't of been less than a year go). His X was hitting on me.

    I don't know why guys like to think they still have ownership over someone they 'used' to 'date', when it comes to friends. Now, in the OP's situation, the only reason I find it fucked up is because his x and best friend did it in his own house. If I hooked up with a best friend's ex (which I have never done anyway), it would be away from him and discreetly. Not nice to rub it in his face.
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    May 02, 2013 5:01 PM GMT
    rnch saidAlcohol, testosterone, close proximity on an air mattress.....at the time I am guessing that "It seemed the right thing to do".

    This is not an excuse, just an explanation.


    Excellent discernment betwixt an explanation and an excuse.
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    May 02, 2013 5:17 PM GMT
    rnch saidAlcohol, testosterone, close proximity on an air mattress.....at the time I am guessing that "It seemed the right thing to do".

    This is not an excuse, just an explanation.

    This.
    To OP...
    Yes, that is pretty messed up. Maybe he is not contacting you because he may have felt that he betrayed you.
    though it's messed up, you can put things back in order by forgiving and forgetting. If they like each other, let them. Be happy for your friend is happy.
    1.If a friend unintentionally betrays you, forgive him as a friend.
    2.If he intentionally betrays you, forgive him, but be cautious ;)
    3.If he betrays you gravely , forgive and stay far from him, cause he is worse than an enemy.
    In your case, your friend may come under 1 or 2
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    May 02, 2013 5:29 PM GMT
    normally, i would be pissed but they only j/o so not really a big deal. however, there is a guy code that doesn't seem to exist among gay guys and that is you do not mess with your friend's ex or if you see your friend's bf or partner cheating on them you do not say anything. why is that?
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    May 02, 2013 5:51 PM GMT
    what are you taught about toys that you don't like to play with anymore? give them to the less fortunate.

    Just smile to yourself about your friend hooking up with your ex. He's an Ex for a reason, and even though things didn't work between you and him doesn't mean it won't work for them
  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    May 02, 2013 10:38 PM GMT
    hes an ex for a reason it shudnt matter unless the guy was an asshole to you, but jerking off while you're in the room? that is mega friggin gross! i would warn him not to do it again or thats a dealbreaker
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    May 02, 2013 10:57 PM GMT
    tuffguyndc saidnormally, i would be pissed but they only j/o so not really a big deal. however, there is a guy code that doesn't seem to exist among gay guys and that is you do not mess with your friend's ex or if you see your friend's bf or partner cheating on them you do not say anything. why is that?


    Why is that ? What part of EX don't I get . Are you telling me that gay guys believe they have the right to chose whom their ex is gonna fuck with?
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    May 02, 2013 11:01 PM GMT
    Alpha13 said
    tuffguyndc saidnormally, i would be pissed but they only j/o so not really a big deal. however, there is a guy code that doesn't seem to exist among gay guys and that is you do not mess with your friend's ex or if you see your friend's bf or partner cheating on them you do not say anything. why is that?


    Why is that ? What part of EX don't I get . Are you telling me that gay guys believe they have the right to chose whom their ex is gonna fuck with?


    I agree with this
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    May 02, 2013 11:06 PM GMT
    They all sound like such quality people, I understand why you're so upset . . .icon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gif
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    May 02, 2013 11:31 PM GMT
    Alpha13 said
    tuffguyndc saidnormally, i would be pissed but they only j/o so not really a big deal. however, there is a guy code that doesn't seem to exist among gay guys and that is you do not mess with your friend's ex or if you see your friend's bf or partner cheating on them you do not say anything. why is that?


    Why is that ? What part of EX don't I get . Are you telling me that gay guys believe they have the right to chose whom their ex is gonna fuck with?


    I in general, agree with this, if enough time has lapsed. If its just been a few months, its just mean spirited. If its been more than a year, I'd say its fair game.

    I do think what they did was tacky and trashy though. But there's no unwritten law against that.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    May 02, 2013 11:37 PM GMT
    Alpha13 said
    tuffguyndc saidnormally, i would be pissed but they only j/o so not really a big deal. however, there is a guy code that doesn't seem to exist among gay guys and that is you do not mess with your friend's ex or if you see your friend's bf or partner cheating on them you do not say anything. why is that?


    Why is that ? What part of EX don't I get . Are you telling me that gay guys believe they have the right to chose whom their ex is gonna fuck with?
    no dumb dumb what i am saying is and read this slowly. straight guys have a understanding and that is you do not mess with your friend's ex no matter how long it has been you do not mess with the ex. i also said that i have noticed that gay guys do not get involved when a friend's bf or partner is caught cheating with someone. that is what i was saying. those are things that i have witness first hand and from threads on this site. i asked why is that? do you get it now?
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    May 03, 2013 1:13 AM GMT
    dfrourke said

    enjoy your life and spend it the way you want with people that will fill it with positive memories...let others find their own happiness or misery on their own time and their own way...

    You're ex is just that (and probably for a reason)...now, if you're really "butt hurt" about your friend's actions...talk to him and tell him how you feel, but I would stop before telling him how to live his life... icon_wink.gif


    Thanks for the advice. I'd be 100% okay with it if they told me they were even remotely interested in each other, but it was them doing it in the same room as me and never telling me about it afterwards that really agitated me. BUT, you are right. They can live their lives how they want to.
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    May 03, 2013 1:16 AM GMT
    showme said

    Why would your friend anticipate that you would think that hooking up with your ex was a betrayal?


    I mean, it's simply guy code that a friend doesn't hook up with another friend's ex, but as another person on the thread said, gay guys don't seem to follow that rule. Oh well, guess I should get used to that then.
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    May 03, 2013 1:19 AM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said

    I just made a thread on this topic the other day: How 1 of my friends had the nerve to tell me at a party, "I'm not allowed" to get with his x from God knows how long ago (couldn't of been less than a year go). His X was hitting on me.

    I don't know why guys like to think they still have ownership over someone they 'used' to 'date', when it comes to friends.


    I never told them they "weren't allowed" to. I just feel how they went about it was pretty slimy, with me being there and then for my friend to stop communicating with me afterwards. I agree with you though, on the fact that you don't "own" ex's.
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    May 03, 2013 1:21 AM GMT
    tuffguyndc saidnormally, i would be pissed but they only j/o so not really a big deal. however, there is a guy code that doesn't seem to exist among gay guys and that is you do not mess with your friend's ex or if you see your friend's bf or partner cheating on them you do not say anything. why is that?


    I agree, guy code should exist amongst gay guys as well, but it doesn't so oh well. I'll get over it.
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    May 03, 2013 1:24 AM GMT
    stratavos saidwhat are you taught about toys that you don't like to play with anymore? give them to the less fortunate.

    Just smile to yourself about your friend hooking up with your ex. He's an Ex for a reason, and even though things didn't work between you and him doesn't mean it won't work for them


    Thanks for that. I actually wouldn't mind if they started dating or whatever, I just thought that informing me first would be the mature thing to do. BUT, a motto that I try to live by (which I guess I didn't in this situation), you do you, boo boo.