Sexuality-all about gender? You can't help what you're attracted to.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 02, 2013 6:25 PM GMT
    I think that sexuality as we understand it in our present, western culture tends to be dictated purely by gender, rather than a plethora of things that make up one's sexual attractions.

    I have a friend who, in high school, told me, "I don't think I could ever date a black girl. I am friends with them, I just don't know if I would be able to be sexually attracted to one." My initial reaction was, "Dude! That's totally racist!" But the more I thought about it, maybe me calling him racist for not dating a black girl is like him calling me sexist for not dating a woman. Maybe you just can't control to what or to whom you are attracted. I personally am attracted to men only. Masculine men. But ANY race. I just don't care about skin color. I have seen someone of every shade from Nicole Kidman to Samuel Jackson who I find attractive, sexually.

    I have two examples of alternate sexuality:

    One of my friends is a beautiful, pale ginger girl. She mostly dates dudes, but she swings both ways. But she ONLY dates black. I don't think she's heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual...I genuinely think she's afrosexual!

    Another one of my friends is a mostly straight guy. He only likes girly girls and guys who are extremely effeminate. I know it's not a macho complex, because he is fine with acting really gay (excuse the expression). But he only likes women and men who are very feminine (as our culture has defined it). I would call him feminasexual. I can kind of understand this, as I think I could be attracted to a powerful and strong woman before I could be attracted to a feminine guy. I don't think I'd be able to DO anything, but still.

    Anyway, as I think about my own sexuality, I think I am an anatomical homosexual, behavioral homosexual, racial omnisexual man.

    My question is, what other things do you think should define sexuality? And should we define sexuality only by gender? (Kind of a leading question, I know.) Is it racist to have attractions to only one race, even if that race is not your own? Is it sexist to never give any thought to women as sexually-attractive whatsoever?
  • PolaroidSwing...

    Posts: 1131

    May 02, 2013 6:35 PM GMT
    You're describing pansexuality.
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    May 02, 2013 6:44 PM GMT
    lol
    let me guess--psych/socio major?

    Anatomical: Homosexual

    Behavioral: Fratboysexual

    Racial: Gingersexual.

    The only thing that defines my sexuality is that tingly thing I get; (usually) simultaneously, a voice screaming inside my skull: "So want to hit that".
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    May 02, 2013 7:00 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidlol
    let me guess--psych/socio major?

    Anatomical: Homosexual

    Behavioral: Fratboysexual

    Racial: Gingersexual.

    The only thing that defines my sexuality is that tingly thing I get; (usually) simultaneously, a voice screaming inside my skull: "So want to hit that".



    If you only like sex at night does that make you nocturnasexual?

    If you only like sex at certain times of the day does that make you circadasexual?

    (apologies, just couldn't resist) icon_wink.gif
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    May 02, 2013 7:55 PM GMT
    ezraalexander88 saidI think that sexuality as we understand it in our present, western culture tends to be dictated purely by gender, rather than a plethora of things that make up one's sexual attractions.

    I have a friend who, in high school, told me, "I don't think I could ever date a black girl. I am friends with them, I just don't know if I would be able to be sexually attracted to one." My initial reaction was, "Dude! That's totally racist!" But the more I thought about it, maybe me calling him racist for not dating a black girl is like him calling me sexist for not dating a woman. Maybe you just can't control to what or to whom you are attracted. I personally am attracted to men only. Masculine men. But ANY race. I just don't care about skin color. I have seen someone of every shade from Nicole Kidman to Samuel Jackson who I find attractive, sexually.

    I have two examples of alternate sexuality:

    One of my friends is a beautiful, pale ginger girl. She mostly dates dudes, but she swings both ways. But she ONLY dates black. I don't think she's heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual...I genuinely think she's afrosexual!

    Another one of my friends is a mostly straight guy. He only likes girly girls and guys who are extremely effeminate. I know it's not a macho complex, because he is fine with acting really gay (excuse the expression). But he only likes women and men who are very feminine (as our culture has defined it). I would call him feminasexual. I can kind of understand this, as I think I could be attracted to a powerful and strong woman before I could be attracted to a feminine guy. I don't think I'd be able to DO anything, but still.

    Anyway, as I think about my own sexuality, I think I am an anatomical homosexual, behavioral homosexual, racial omnisexual man.

    My question is, what other things do you think should define sexuality? And should we define sexuality only by gender? (Kind of a leading question, I know.) Is it racist to have attractions to only one race, even if that race is not your own? Is it sexist to never give any thought to women as sexually-attractive whatsoever?


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    We may be born gay but we're not born with outside superficial preferences. Those are learned, conditioned behaviors and mindsets. Lot of that stems from your environment, media and other influences. For instance, I grew up in Daly City (at the time predominately a white neighborhood), most friends were white so I was more attracted to white men growing up.

    As I got older, started travelling, exploring more of the world, being around different type of people, my attraction began the change and became more open. To me, some of the best mental education is to travel and explore other environments. Exposure is one of the best ways to break that "conditioning" that many of us are use too (atleast racially). Lot of people don't want to explore outside of that comfort box and prefer to stick with who they feel comfortable and compatible with. That's fine. When you're that way, you have to be careful since that could lead to a very closed-minded lifestyle. Then again, some people are close-minded due to experiences.
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    May 02, 2013 8:46 PM GMT
    Jtuy said
    We may be born gay but we're not born with outside superficial preferences.

    I'm not so sure, if I understand what you mean by "outside superficial preferences".

    On the one hand, the single sentence that broke my internal denial, and brought me out, was in an email to me from a gay guy that said: "Sexual orientation isn't about your outward behavior, but about which gender attracts you sexually." I "went gay" 2 hours after receiving that.

    On the other hand, after I did come out, I learned that I had been doing stereotypically gay things all my life, before I even knew they WERE gay. For instance:

    - love of Broadway musicals
    - fascination with lighting, creating uplighting in my parents home as a teenager before I had even heard the term
    - did our extensive home Christmas decorations exclusively from age 13 on, because my Mother said I had a talent for it
    - meticulous with my personal grooming and wardrobe
    - my favorite female movie stars were gay icons
    - my favorite male actors were either gay/bi themselves, or gay icons
    - a faggy voice, that my Mother had recorded & played back to me so that I would change it, which I did
    - effeminate gestures, that my parents corrected all the time, though I didn't understand their significance
    - love of glass trinkets and other shiny objects
    - my favorite colored glass was cobalt blue and dark ruby, which I displayed around my bedroom
    - began repairing & sewing my own clothes at 13

    The list goes on. But point is, I did all those things naturally. I didn't identify them as being gay, I didn't identify myself as gay, and I didn't live in a gay environment, nor have gay friends as examples. Plus in the 1950s & 60s gay characters did not appear in movies & TV, gays basically didn't exist. And yet I conformed to much of the gay stereotype.

    Why? If it wasn't naturally inside me, why did I do those things spontaneously? I doubt it was coincidence, and none of my childhood boyfriends did them. How does that fit with your concept of an "outside superficial preference"?
  • killercliche

    Posts: 948

    May 03, 2013 7:56 AM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    Jtuy said
    We may be born gay but we're not born with outside superficial preferences.

    I'm not so sure, if I understand what you mean by "outside superficial preferences".

    On the one hand, the single sentence that broke my internal denial, and brought me out, was in an email to me from a gay guy that said: "Sexual orientation isn't about your outward behavior, but about which gender attracts you sexually." I "went gay" 2 hours after receiving that.

    On the other hand, after I did come out, I learned that I had been doing stereotypically gay things all my life, before I even knew they WERE gay. For instance:

    - love of Broadway musicals
    - fascination with lighting, creating uplighting in my parents home as a teenager before I had even heard the term
    - did our extensive home Christmas decorations exclusively from age 13 on, because my Mother said I had a talent for it
    - meticulous with my personal grooming and wardrobe
    - my favorite female movie stars were gay icons
    - my favorite male actors were either gay/bi themselves, or gay icons
    - a faggy voice, that my Mother had recorded & played back to me so that I would change it, which I did
    - effeminate gestures, that my parents corrected all the time, though I didn't understand their significance
    - love of glass trinkets and other shiny objects
    - my favorite colored glass was cobalt blue and dark ruby, which I displayed around my bedroom
    - began repairing & sewing my own clothes at 13

    The list goes on. But point is, I did all those things naturally. I didn't identify them as being gay, I didn't identify myself as gay, and I didn't live in a gay environment, nor have gay friends as examples. Plus in the 1950s & 60s gay characters did not appear in movies & TV, gays basically didn't exist. And yet I conformed to much of the gay stereotype.

    Why? If it wasn't naturally inside me, why did I do those things spontaneously? I doubt it was coincidence, and none of my childhood boyfriends did them. How does that fit with your concept of an "outside superficial preference"?


    Well, if you were a gay cave man you wouldn't have a sewing machine, so I don't think that sewing your own clothes is some intrinsic primal aspect of your soul.

    The ways that many gay men come to have similar interests is more likely linked to similar socialization events in their lives than the preposterous idea that "interior decorating is just natural part of my immortal soul" or "part of my primal genetic makeup" etc.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 03, 2013 8:05 AM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    Jtuy said
    We may be born gay but we're not born with outside superficial preferences.

    I'm not so sure, if I understand what you mean by "outside superficial preferences".

    On the one hand, the single sentence that broke my internal denial, and brought me out, was in an email to me from a gay guy that said: "Sexual orientation isn't about your outward behavior, but about which gender attracts you sexually." I "went gay" 2 hours after receiving that.

    On the other hand, after I did come out, I learned that I had been doing stereotypically gay things all my life, before I even knew they WERE gay. For instance:

    - love of Broadway musicals
    - fascination with lighting, creating uplighting in my parents home as a teenager before I had even heard the term
    - did our extensive home Christmas decorations exclusively from age 13 on, because my Mother said I had a talent for it
    - meticulous with my personal grooming and wardrobe
    - my favorite female movie stars were gay icons
    - my favorite male actors were either gay/bi themselves, or gay icons
    - a faggy voice, that my Mother had recorded & played back to me so that I would change it, which I did
    - effeminate gestures, that my parents corrected all the time, though I didn't understand their significance
    - love of glass trinkets and other shiny objects
    - my favorite colored glass was cobalt blue and dark ruby, which I displayed around my bedroom
    - began repairing & sewing my own clothes at 13

    The list goes on. But point is, I did all those things naturally. I didn't identify them as being gay, I didn't identify myself as gay, and I didn't live in a gay environment, nor have gay friends as examples. Plus in the 1950s & 60s gay characters did not appear in movies & TV, gays basically didn't exist. And yet I conformed to much of the gay stereotype.

    Why? If it wasn't naturally inside me, why did I do those things spontaneously? I doubt it was coincidence, and none of my childhood boyfriends did them. How does that fit with your concept of an "outside superficial preference"?


    I was referring to what the OP said in regards to racial preferences for attraction. Usually, in many cases, those things are influenced so I called them outside superficial preferences. Yes, some things we may naturally gravitate too but other things were influenced or taught.