Why can't I be monogamous?

  • GraffitiMySou...

    Posts: 139

    May 03, 2013 7:14 PM GMT
    Hey there.

    Ever since I can remember, I've always wanted to love and be loved. I knew I was gay when I was a little kid and when I started growing up the need for being with someone and for someone was immense. It was a lot stronger than any sexual desires actually. I used to fall in love with straight guys and then when I started dating gay guys it was just a big disaster. A lot of disappointment and rejection. Then I started hooking up, basically just fucking around. Still, I needed that special someone, but as soon as I met somebody and things were starting to get serious, I'd feel incredibly depressed, bored and scared. I'm 26 years old and have never been in a serious relationship for more than 2 months. I always break up when things get serious. The problem is that I am terribly scared of hurting someone's feelings by cheating on them so I just back out. I don't trust myself, that's for sure. I feel like being with one person only is very limiting. It's something that I desperately need, but once I have it I become cold.

    I met this guy two months ago. Incredibly good-looking, fantastic personality, we get along really well and enjoy each others' company a lot. I like him a lot and the feeling is mutual. The sex is absolutely mindblowing so you'd think it's a perfect start for a relationship. Not in my case. We meet, go out, talk for hours, have sex and then when I come back home and see other guys I have these intrusive thoughts in my head that make me doubt my feelings for him. I feel like I could cheat on him and when I realize that, I become very axious, angry with myself and sometimes, even suicidal. I feel like a horrible person. And we're not even in a relationship! I thought it'd go away when I become older, but it actually grows stronger as I age. What is this? Is it some sort of commitment phobia? Some terrible case of OCD? Or maybe I'm just shallow and should stick to fucking around.

    Whatever it is, can it be overcome? I don't want to spend my life alone. As much as I enjoy meeting guys and having fun, I need stability and well, love. That's what keeps me going so why ruin it when opportunity arises?

    Please, help.
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    May 03, 2013 8:33 PM GMT
    26 is a good time to grow up.
  • LoveAndPeace

    Posts: 460

    May 03, 2013 9:09 PM GMT
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    But seriously you might need to get therapy on why you cant be monogamous. I dont think we can help you in this situation.I think its mental.
  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    May 03, 2013 9:15 PM GMT
    although some people think its a load of bollocks (myself being skeptical) have you considered that maybe you're a sex addict? look into it, it may help
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    May 03, 2013 9:20 PM GMT


    You're in Poland where health care is covered, so go to a psychologist that is gay friendly or is gay.
    Print this post you made and show it to him or her.

    You know, you say in your profile you're planning to move to the US in the near future. What will happen to a relationship you make in Poland?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 03, 2013 9:58 PM GMT
    I don't see anything wrong with looking at other guys. I even fantasized about other guys while having sex with my ex and after ten years sometimes you just gotta!

    The real question is do you want to cheat? are you just looking?

    I have a lot of uncontrolled thoughts about guys I randomly see but I have no interest on acting on them.

    I think the same as meninlove though maybe some professional help would be useful for you.
  • GraffitiMySou...

    Posts: 139

    May 03, 2013 11:05 PM GMT
    First of all, thanks a lot for all the replies. I appreciate it.

    No, I'm not a sex addict. Hooking up 2 or 3 times a month is hardly an addiction.

    As for professional help, I think I need to give it a try one more time. I did it last year, but had to quit because I couldn't afford it.

    I think my behavior may have a lot to do with all my insecurities and low self-esteem. I admit that sometimes it all comes down to me wanting validation. I realize it's a horrible thing to say, but I often can't stop myself from trying my hardest to charm somebody up and once I succeed, I quit. However, I never make any promises and make someone believe there is a chance for something more than just a date/hook-up. The problem starts when I meet someone who ticks all the boxes and seems like a good match. Then it's no longer about validation or attention, I simply don't need it anymore from that someone. I want things to work and try my best, but unfortunately, I fail miserably by running away, giving up and saying 'You deserve better'. I hate myself for that. I see a lot of guys complaining about meeting assholes and literally praying to find someone decent and it makes me feel awful, because I met a lot of decent guys and things could have worked out had it not been for me screwing things up.

    Do I want to cheat? No, I'd rather break up than cheat. For me cheating is the worst thing that I could ever do to someone who trust me and respects me. It's just that when I look at other guys I automatically think I could do it and it scares me...

    The guy I've been seeing is exceptional. I like him a lot, but I'm also scared of hurting him. He's been through a lot in his life and I've actually been aching to tell him not to count on anything more than just sex, but then I feel like maybe I'm giving up on something that could turn out to be something that I've always wanted. I don't want to keep running away forever, but sometimes I think that maybe relationships are not for me...
  • chemistry

    Posts: 29

    May 04, 2013 12:59 AM GMT
    The guy I've been seeing is exceptional. I like him a lot, but I'm also scared of hurting him. He's been through a lot in his life and I've actually been aching to tell him not to count on anything more than just sex



    It sounds like you have a slightly narcisistic cycle going on - the redeeming feature in your case is that you are conscious of the grief you cause to yourself and others when you act out and dont want to continue on that path.

    Most guys will roll their eyes and eventually walk away if you tell them to count on you for nothing more than just sex... you know that... SO WHY DO YOU DO IT - especially when you obviously want more... yep that is the question...

    There may be some merit in the sex addiction theory... it could also be laziness (relationships require focus) or just that you have slipped into a pattern or habit for so long it's difficult to change... but like cigarettes you can quit negative habits... so... perhaps when you feel the urge to bolt or destroy the relationship; why not take a deep breath and just move with the moment and put it behind you??

  • ryno

    Posts: 105

    May 04, 2013 2:40 AM GMT

    Much agreed, relationships take work. Even if you're a good match right at the start everything isn't going to fold neatly into place. You must create what you want.

    Ive had a guy like this burn me twice and truefully it hurts. Like him, I'm not sure if you're really honest when you say you want a relationship, but are more afraid of being left alone some day. You're stuck in a cycle that if you don't get out of, you very well may.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 04, 2013 3:06 AM GMT
    'cause you a ho
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 3:43 AM GMT
    cause you are not ready, obviously
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 3:49 AM GMT
    #judgingyou
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    May 04, 2013 4:47 AM GMT
    I don't think you are that shallow if you are already much aware of what is going on with you!? I see your confusion as a good start, a light at the end of the tunnel sort of speak! use this tumultuous state of mind to your advantage. This is precisely the right and perfect time to make good on your eagerness to change to something much better; and I dared say "much better" because even with your current state of mind, consider it as a step for better things to come, that I promise you!!

    After reading your profile I could see why you are so concerned and even determined to change! change requires facing up to what doesn't work in your life, or in your case the desire to achieve a sense of inner peace. In order to achieve inner peace or stability in one's life you need to be a truth seeker! you clearly stated on your profile you don't like arrogance and hypocrisy: two key antidotes, I believe, that will definitely help you suck out your personal demons, and believe me demons we ALL have!!

    I truly believe your promiscuity or lack of commitment is a lot more complex then most people think it is; it isn't all about sexual dysfunctions, self control, or lack of morals; it is more about one's level of maturity! there are many social factors to consider attached to a person's lack of commitment/promiscuity. As humans we all have individual levels of sex drives in order to feel loved. I just turned 50 a few days ago, and my sexual drive while not as physically or visually oriented as when I was your age, the sexual pleasures at this stage in my life are ten times more intense then when I was younger! why? years of experience behind you is a wonderful thing; so you see getting older at least for me is not such a bad thing! sex for me have taken off to a whole new level. All my life I've waited for this moment. I can finally feel free and secured at expressing and sharing my innermost feelings, fears, strengths, hopes, desires, and goals with a sexual partner with the potential to also become my sentimental and spiritual partner; so you see sex and love have finally married/intertwined.

    You on the other hand are young, yes! but you are also entering a crossroad of maturity in your life as you approach your thirties, and that is why you are feeling this way! so in essence it is not a bad thing, take it as a transition!! I strongly sense that you have what it takes to be monogamous! the moment you start questioning your own actions you are becoming transparent, as such you start searching for the truth. Truth is about finding a place of stability and inner peace in your life; but before you get there expect to rise and fall many times before you can finally find the strength stand on your own!! just remember your own words "I don't like arrogance and hypocrisy" well why not start by accepting the fact that your sexual encounters deserve the same kind of respect as you do! all the best and I do wish you well!
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    May 04, 2013 5:31 AM GMT
    Rather than worry about whether you're going to cheat, how about having a discussion with him about how necessary monogamy is to him? Maybe you're not ready for monogamy at this time with this guy, and maybe you shouldn't beat yourself up over that.

    Monogamy is a choice, and a good one, but it's not right for everyone at every time.
  • Felony84

    Posts: 40

    May 04, 2013 5:35 AM GMT
    You have sex about 2 or 3 times a month. That's quite a bit compared to the average person. There's nothing wrong if someone wants to have sex with many different people. But you're obviously aware of it and not entirely ok with it. Sounds like you're running from something or trying to get affection through superficial means. You get attention for a just a little bit during sex which gives you that rush and high. Then you crash back down again. If you can't go without something, then that's an addiction. You've got a dangerous tug of war going on within you. It's dangerous because you involve other people in it who may be looking for something else. Give it time. Remember, "admitting" is the first step to recovery. icon_smile.gif You're already on your way to figuring out what you want just by examining it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 6:13 AM GMT
    Why not just try an open relationship with another guy who also wants an open relationship and see if that works for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 6:25 AM GMT
    I blame the Boomers for making us think that every failure involving a lack of self-restraint indicates something deeply meaningful about ourselves.

    Sometimes, but sometimes, you're just irresponsible and lack control.
  • Shark100

    Posts: 234

    May 04, 2013 1:13 PM GMT
    My personal point if view: As everything in this life, you start doing something you like...like sex, then you do not find nothing wrong with it, then you try to fit love mixed with sex...fun and polygamy. I do not think those will go together. Probably that is why I do not do hook ups. Not gonna judge you, we are different and seems completely the opposite. But certainly it is a good age to start figuring out what do you want for the future...if it is hook ups well it seems u are in the right track, or open relationships where you and your partner are in a part time relationship shared with others....but if you really want to establish a relationship with a person (single), mate, start changing your mind and behavior.

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    May 04, 2013 1:59 PM GMT
    principal0 saidI blame the Boomers for making us think that every failure involving a lack of self-restraint indicates something deeply meaningful about ourselves.

    Sometimes, but sometimes, you're just irresponsible and lack control.


    I'm not sure if when advocating being responsible and in some judgmental sense of control that first pointing your finger at others aids your cause.

    I don't believe your parents taught you to blame others for your own thoughts. Perhaps you misinterpreted their example.

    Sometimes you take responsibility for your own thinking.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 2:20 PM GMT
    principal0 saidI blame the Boomers for making us think that every failure involving a lack of self-restraint indicates something deeply meaningful about ourselves.

    Sometimes, but sometimes, you're just irresponsible and lack control.


    lol, NO to the first sentence.
    YES to the second.

    icon_wink.gif

    Now how does one go about changing from being irresponsible and lacking control? I think that lies in therapy sometimes, where you, yes, address meaningfully the reasons why being irresponsible and lacking control is happening.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 2:36 PM GMT
    Monogamy is not for everyone. If you want a relationship, maybe you should focus on someone who thinks the same way you do.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    May 04, 2013 2:45 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    principal0 saidI blame the Boomers for making us think that every failure involving a lack of self-restraint indicates something deeply meaningful about ourselves.

    Sometimes, but sometimes, you're just irresponsible and lack control.

    lol, NO to the first sentence.
    YES to the second. icon_wink.gif

    Now how does one go about changing from being irresponsible and lacking control? I think that lies in therapy sometimes, where you, yes, address meaningfully the reasons why being irresponsible and lacking control is happening.

    Yeah, the boomer thing got me, too. LOL

    OP: Beating yourself up or feeling guilty or, worse yet, suicidal, about your attractions isn't helping you. Yeah, you have a problem, you're conflicted but there are all kinds of ways of looking at it and coming to terms with it, if not resolving it.

    First, being a 'sex addict' isn't about how many times you have sex with someone, or anyone for that matter. It is about the compulsive nature. If you jerk off to porn every night of the week but never have sex, you still may be acting out a compulsion.

    On the other hand, so what? The only way it matters is if it is interfering with your happiness and / or screwing up your life in some way.

    You're exactly at the age you should be to begin thinking seriously about finding a lasting relationship. I'm saying that because you seem to think you should have been in one sooner and that's not the case. You're exactly where you should be. It also isn't uncommon for men to have these kinds of mixed feelings: Wanting a relationship with one guy in particular on one hand and still finding other men attractive on the other. Why do you think these attractions would go away just because you have more than lustful feeling for someone? True, for some men they do, but that isn't true for everyone and obviously not you. So it is something you have to accept and work with.

    We may not be able to control our attractions so much but we can control our behavior. If you can't control your behavior then the question is why not? It could be a fear of intimacy. It could be a 'sexual addiction'. It could be you're just not ready. It could be any number of things. But as an adult you know that to have one thing sometimes you have to sacrifice something else you also want. Can you do that? If not, does this make you a 'bad person'? I don't think so, it just means you don't 'yet' want it enough or understand yourself well enough to make the choice and stick with it.

    I wonder if you've talked about your fears with the man you're interested in? In my opinion (and I obviously could be wrong) talking about this with the guy, putting your cards on the table so to speak, might be the right thing to do. You can be very clear that you are conflicted. You want to be in a relationship with him but aren't certain you could be monogamous and so are afraid you'll hurt him. Then you listen to how he takes that. All of us come with baggage into our relationships. A good relationship is one where the struggles are shared openly and supported mutually.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 2:48 PM GMT
    you have trouble with intimacy and need therapy.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    May 04, 2013 3:16 PM GMT
    It would appear that the OP is as immature as his dick is hard.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    May 04, 2013 3:17 PM GMT
    TheNomeKing said#judgingyou


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