Dating App Etiquette

  • Freakout0932

    Posts: 20

    May 03, 2013 10:46 PM GMT
    Can we just make this a thing...

    1. Be nice
    2. Don't be a dick
    3. If you aren't interested... SAY IT
    4. Don't ask for a picture if you don't have a profile picture and haven't already sent one
    5. A face or torso picture is a profile picture


    Is there anything else to add?
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 03, 2013 10:48 PM GMT
    done!
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    May 03, 2013 11:17 PM GMT
    Freakout0932 saidCan we just make this a thing...

    1. Be nice
    2. Don't be a dick
    3. If you aren't interested... SAY IT
    4. Don't ask for a picture if you don't have a profile picture and haven't already sent one
    5. A face or torso picture is a profile picture


    Is there anything else to add?


    Good overall, but I disagree strongly with #3. Rejecting someone comes off as assholy and conceited, when instead you could have been kind and let them down easy by simply not answering. If you don't answer, people can save face by just thinking you logged off or didn't have time to answer or maybe were planning to answer some other time (some or all of which is often actually true), so they keep their dignity, whereas if you reject them in writing, it tends to hurt people's self-esteem and makes you seem like a jerk.
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    May 03, 2013 11:30 PM GMT
    seekonk said
    Freakout0932 said
    3. If you aren't interested... SAY IT


    Good overall, but I disagree strongly with #3. Rejecting someone comes off as assholy and conceited, when instead you could have been kind and let them down easy by simply not answering. If you don't answer, people can save face by just thinking you logged off or didn't have time to answer or maybe were planning to answer some other time (some or all of which is often actually true), so they keep their dignity, whereas if you reject them in writing, it tends to hurt people's self-esteem and makes you seem like a jerk.


    I disagree with this.
    When they start to come onto you, there's a decent way to say you're not interested. Granted, don't just answer with, "NOT INTERESTED" if they say Hi! unless they're being forceful or too perverse for you.
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    May 03, 2013 11:43 PM GMT
    TrevorMark said
    I disagree with this.
    When they start to come onto you, there's a decent way to say you're not interested.


    A "decent" rejection is a rejection, and burns as much as any other. You may not have been rejected like that yet so you probably don't know how it feels (this is a compliment of your looks, so don't get too mad).

    The thing is, it is not real life, where someone you are not interested in could monopolize you and you have to excuse yourself or you're stuck. Someone saying hi to you online is not bothersome in the same way, and there is no need for you to say anything to extract yourself (I'm assuming they are not making a pest of themselves). For the reasons I gave, I believe it is kinder to someone's self-esteem not to respond to their initial "hi" than to put your rejection of them in words, and I would choose the kinder option.

    Also, I think it is pretty much already the accepted etiquette not to respond in the first place if you are not interested. It's what 99% of guys do, which makes it all the more grating when you receive that little rejection note from the remaining 1%. No matter how it is phrased, they come off as a dick with an inflated ego.
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    May 03, 2013 11:51 PM GMT
    seekonk said
    TrevorMark said
    I disagree with this.
    When they start to come onto you, there's a decent way to say you're not interested.


    A "decent" rejection is a rejection, and burns as much as any other. You may not have been rejected like that yet so you probably don't know how it feels (this is a compliment of your looks, so don't get too mad).

    The thing is, it is not real life, where someone you are not interested in could monopolize you and you have to excuse yourself or you're stuck. Someone saying hi to you online is not bothersome in the same way, and there is no need for you to say anything to extract yourself (I'm assuming they are not making a pest of themselves). For the reasons I gave, I believe it is kinder to someone's self-esteem not to respond to their initial "hi" than to put your rejection of them in words, and I would choose the kinder option.

    Also, I think it is pretty much already the accepted etiquette not to respond in the first place if you are not interested. It's what 99% of guys do, which makes it all the more grating when you receive that little rejection note from the remaining 1%. No matter how it is phrased, they come off as a dick with an inflated ego.

    Ahhh, not quite, my friend.
    I've been rejected plenty. I would rather them be pleasant about it and tell me later on. If they're open enough to accept a friendship from me, then I will pursue as such even if they tell me I'm not boyfriend material for them.
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    May 03, 2013 11:54 PM GMT
    I guess it depends on the situation and how long you have chatted, but to me the times it happened (in reponse to my initial "hi"), I always felt, what a dick! He didn't have to make me feel bad, he just chose to.
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    May 04, 2013 12:01 AM GMT
    seekonk saidI guess it depends on the situation and how long you have chatted, but to me the times it happened (in reponse to my initial "hi"), I always felt, what a dick! He didn't have to make me feel bad, he just chose to.

    I guess mine's just experience as I take a lot of things very light hearted and have a very heavy heart when it comes to other things.

    This is one where I look at it as, "Everyone has their preferences and most are not "me" personally."

    I once got rejected over not having enough money, not having what the person "wanted" from that lack of money. That person is not a douche, he is a douche for judging me, but he had stuff, prerequisites, I did not have. To me, other things matter and his values were just not the same as mine.

    While I look at him and think, "What a selfish asshole" today, that's him, and I feel better because I know I'm not "that". The person matters to me over their financial situation.

    Same with physical preferences. Hell, even intelligence. I don't personally like it when people write in all short-hand to me. It bugs the fuck out of me. I won't respond if that's all the conversation is. I'm not attracted to "bigger" guys for the most part, but I can be their friends if they hold a decent conversation. I let people know I'm just in it for the friendship if they ask, but, I go about it in a very tasteful way because I do honestly wish for their friendship.
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    May 04, 2013 12:12 AM GMT
    Yeah - I've got a big one.

    Don't send a FORM LETTER that tells me what an interesting person I am with no references to anything in my profile.

    Also, let me know your first name otherwise it's creepy. It's just a first name, for heavens sake. There are hundreds of you in your town.

    Also, if you write to me twice, try to use the same first name you did the first time.

    And (maybe I'm just speaking for myself) don't write something very sexual in the first email.
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    May 04, 2013 12:56 AM GMT
    Don't send nudes. Especially if it's the first thing you send to someone.

    #dickedagain
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    May 04, 2013 1:07 AM GMT
    If you're looking for love on an app, you're as pathetic as me.

    I love the grindr profile that said 'I'm fed up with dicks and assholes, which is kind of ironic considering what I'm looking for.'

    I'm old and hot. I have a thing going on with a cute young guy at work. I'm here because it's habitual.

    If there is anyone here remotely close to that who feels suicidal, pvt me.

    The rest are all crazy pazzto guys.



  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 04, 2013 3:16 AM GMT
    rules:

    1. uggs people get off grindr. that's what jack'd and growlr are for.
    b. if you're uggs but rich, you can stay
    2. if in the first three messages you don't send a cock pic, block.
    b. if your cock is small, block.
    3. if you have a great pic of only your torso, you're uggs. see rule 1.
    4. if you don't list your age, you're old. if you don't list you're weight, you're fat. if you don't list your ethnicity, you're ashamed of not being white. see rule 1.
    b. nonwhite guys are super hot; nonwhite guys who are shamed of not being white are not hot. i don't want to be with no self-hating african american guy. see rule 1.
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    May 04, 2013 3:19 AM GMT
    Freakout0932 saidCan we just make this a thing...

    1. Be nice
    2. Don't be a dick
    3. If you aren't interested... SAY IT
    4. Don't ask for a picture if you don't have a profile picture and haven't already sent one
    5. A face or torso picture is a profile picture


    Is there anything else to add?



    A face AND a torso pic. OK Cupid is populated with face pics guys that are 60 lbs overweight. And always list HIV Status.
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    May 04, 2013 3:23 AM GMT
    TrevorMark said
    seekonk said
    Freakout0932 said
    3. If you aren't interested... SAY IT


    Good overall, but I disagree strongly with #3. Rejecting someone comes off as assholy and conceited, when instead you could have been kind and let them down easy by simply not answering. If you don't answer, people can save face by just thinking you logged off or didn't have time to answer or maybe were planning to answer some other time (some or all of which is often actually true), so they keep their dignity, whereas if you reject them in writing, it tends to hurt people's self-esteem and makes you seem like a jerk.


    I disagree with this.
    When they start to come onto you, there's a decent way to say you're not interested. Granted, don't just answer with, "NOT INTERESTED" if they say Hi! unless they're being forceful or too perverse for you.



    I second this. Not responding is fine with me. I actually hate it of the person is trying too hard not to be an asshole by giving one word responses or closed-ended responses. It sends mixed signals. I'd prefer no response.
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    May 04, 2013 3:25 AM GMT
    Or just shut the stupid thing off and chat face to face in the real world!!

    come on its getting silly now
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    May 04, 2013 3:31 AM GMT
    TrevorMark said
    seekonk saidI guess it depends on the situation and how long you have chatted, but to me the times it happened (in reponse to my initial "hi"), I always felt, what a dick! He didn't have to make me feel bad, he just chose to.

    I guess mine's just experience as I take a lot of things very light hearted and have a very heavy heart when it comes to other things.


    To me saying hi on an app is like smiling at someone on the street. It's okay for them to either return the smile or not, but if you smiled at someone on the street and in response they made a point of stopping and telling you they are not interested in you, you would think they were the biggest asshole in the world.
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    May 04, 2013 3:35 AM GMT
    TrevorMark said
    seekonk said
    Freakout0932 said
    3. If you aren't interested... SAY IT


    Good overall, but I disagree strongly with #3. Rejecting someone comes off as assholy and conceited, when instead you could have been kind and let them down easy by simply not answering. If you don't answer, people can save face by just thinking you logged off or didn't have time to answer or maybe were planning to answer some other time (some or all of which is often actually true), so they keep their dignity, whereas if you reject them in writing, it tends to hurt people's self-esteem and makes you seem like a jerk.


    I disagree with this.
    When they start to come onto you, there's a decent way to say you're not interested. Granted, don't just answer with, "NOT INTERESTED" if they say Hi! unless they're being forceful or too perverse for you.


    I also disagree. There are nice ways to saying it. This is my standard "rejection letter":

    "Nice pics. You're a good looking guy, but I've always had bizarre taste in men, so looks like we're probably not a match. I'm flattered by your interest. Thanks for saying hello."

    That being said, I don't do Grindr.
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    May 04, 2013 3:47 AM GMT
    seekonk said
    TrevorMark said
    seekonk saidI guess it depends on the situation and how long you have chatted, but to me the times it happened (in reponse to my initial "hi"), I always felt, what a dick! He didn't have to make me feel bad, he just chose to.

    I guess mine's just experience as I take a lot of things very light hearted and have a very heavy heart when it comes to other things.


    To me saying hi on an app is like smiling at someone on the street. It's okay for them to either return the smile or not, but if you smiled at someone on the street and in response they made a point of stopping and telling you they are not interested in you, you would think they were the biggest asshole in the world.


    I agree with this completely. When you are in a bar and a guy is checking you out, you tell him you are not interested by not maintaining eye contact, and not answering a "hi" on grindr is similar.
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    May 04, 2013 3:49 AM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    "Nice pics. You're a good looking guy, but I've always had bizarre taste in men, so looks like we're probably not a match. I'm flattered by your interest. Thanks for saying hello."


    Now see, that may make you feel all warm and fuzzy when sending it, but all the guy receiving it sees is "NOT INTERESTED", so it's really no better than sending the latter, just in my opinion. icon_cry.gif

    It reminds me of a famous Far Side cartoon of someone talking to a dog. icon_smile.gif
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    May 04, 2013 4:01 AM GMT
    seekonk said
    Scruffypup said
    "Nice pics. You're a good looking guy, but I've always had bizarre taste in men, so looks like we're probably not a match. I'm flattered by your interest. Thanks for saying hello."


    Now see, that may make you feel all warm and fuzzy when sending it, but all the guy receiving it sees is "NOT INTERESTED", so it's really no better than sending the latter, just in my opinion. icon_cry.gif

    It reminds me of a famous Far Side cartoon of someone talking to a dog. icon_smile.gif


    It absolutely does not make me feel good! What kind of person do you think I am to say I get pleasure from rejecting someone? I just know I prefer a response if I'm being rejected so I can move on. And I don't recall the OP mentioning Grindr.
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    May 04, 2013 4:04 AM GMT
    id rather be told not a match than being ignored... thats just rude.
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    May 04, 2013 4:08 AM GMT
    hairyandym saidid rather be told not a match than being ignored... thats just rude.


    The thing is, 50% of people disagree with you. If someone doesn't fancy me (on a dating app) then I don't want them to send me any messages about anything.
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    May 04, 2013 4:10 AM GMT
    Ohno said
    hairyandym saidid rather be told not a match than being ignored... thats just rude.


    The thing is, 50% of people disagree with you. If someone doesn't fancy me (on a dating app) then I don't want them to send me any messages about anything.


    No offense, but that seems a little childish to me. So unless a guy wants to fuck you, you can't be bothered by a little friendly conversation? Man.....talk about making a guy feel like a piece of meat.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 04, 2013 4:17 AM GMT
    I'd rather people didn't respond. That says a clear message of not interested and saves me from useless chat with some who is not interested. If you're not interested don't respond, or at least keep the response short like, "Hi thanks for your message, peace" and don't be one of the jack asses that say, "Hi would love to meet you, I'm getting ready to head on a cruise for the next couple weeks, but lets get to together for sure after I get back" ... seriously, how stupid do you think people are?
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    May 04, 2013 4:21 AM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    Ohno said
    hairyandym saidid rather be told not a match than being ignored... thats just rude.


    The thing is, 50% of people disagree with you. If someone doesn't fancy me (on a dating app) then I don't want them to send me any messages about anything.


    No offense, but that seems a little childish to me. So unless a guy wants to fuck you, you can't be bothered by a pleasant conversation?


    I don't get messages on grindr from people who are not interested in sex with me, and neither does anyone else. So the question never comes up. On RJ or another non dating/sex site someone who doesn't find me attractive is very welcome to contact me.