The "Sandwich" Generation

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    May 04, 2013 3:48 AM GMT
    It is a real challenge to have aging parents and children of your own at the same time.....and BOTH expecting you to help them financially, mobility, medically...etc
    I am really struggling with my mom making increasingly more bad decisions that are getting more expensive and more frequent.....along with 3 sons of my own, that are trying their own way in the world and still fall back into me as their safety net.....
    This last month alone has cost about $2800 for both of them together, out of my budget/savings...I can't afford to do this too many times......but not sure how to have this conversation with my mom/step-dad about their bad financial mismanagement....
    Just looking to see if anyone else is struggling with this issue....any solutions or suggestions for this conversation without burning the bridge?

    .
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 04, 2013 3:58 AM GMT
    Time to put your kids to work so they can learn the value of money. If they are too young for a job then get them a paper route (if those still exist). If they are old enough (16) time for a real part-time job or at least full time summer jobs. I took it upon my own to get job since I was very young because when I was young and I wanted something the answer was always, there is no money, (and there really wasn't the budget was pretty tight.) Don't be so quick to bail them out of bad decisions or they will never learn consequences of their mistakes. And if you do bail them out, make sure there are consequences a that the pay for it financially or working it off, even if they have to do volunteer work. You are the parent, not the buddy.

    With your parent you need to sit down with and talk to them about helping to make any major decisions (because you might know someone that can do it cheaper, or what ever you can come up with).
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    May 04, 2013 3:59 AM GMT
    Mmm...sandwich
  • ADL14

    Posts: 64

    May 04, 2013 4:02 AM GMT
    Sounds like you're post-baby boomer, or Gen X. Your situation sounds about right. The baby boomers are living "longer than planned" and my generation (Millenials, Gen Y) suffers from high education, poor economy, and poor job prospects. So it makes sense that the Gen Xers are feeling the pinch. icon_redface.gif
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    May 04, 2013 11:23 AM GMT
    My mom currently lives with me and the bf. she went through a whole lot of life....had a hysterectomy that developed into scar tissue and is now in chronic pain 24/7. she can't work and is legally disabled. my dad left her because of this. so then came divorce, bankruptcy and foreclosure and ultimately eviction. with only $1400 as her monthly income (disability + alimony), she can't really live on her own. so she lives with us. it's not the greatest thing in the world, to be honest. long story short, she doesn't like me being gay. she's civil and friendly and all, but she's never going to celebrate our relationship.

    but she doesn't want to freeload either. so i pay the rent and she pays the utility bills and all medical bills. overall it's helping us both save money, except where we recently moved to everything is so fucking expensive we aren't saving as much as in oklahoma.

    not really in a sandwhich though, as I don't have kids. the bf doesn't work (because there is no work down here except for fast food joints), so i technically pay for his car note, insurnace too. and all of our food. plus my student loans. blah.
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    May 04, 2013 2:50 PM GMT
    ADL14 saidSounds like you're post-baby boomer, or Gen X. Your situation sounds about right. The baby boomers are living "longer than planned" and my generation (Millenials, Gen Y) suffers from high education, poor economy, and poor job prospects. So it makes sense that the Gen Xers are feeling the pinch. icon_redface.gif


    Hmmmm.well, the boomers are just beginning to retire now (65) so I'm not sure about the living longer thing.

    Here's some info:


    http://www.theglobeandmail.com/report-on-business/economy/economy-lab/what-if-baby-boomers-dont-live-forever/article4482065/?page=all

    lol, and this is rather awful, but I figured it would be good to investigate what those who stand to make a pile of cash from boomer deaths are saying.

    http://funeralwords.blogs.com/funeral_words/files/age_reversal.pdf

    http://wasatchecon.blogspot.ca/2012/07/us-mortality-and-baby-boomers.html
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    May 04, 2013 2:59 PM GMT


    Sporty, you and Bill and myself have sometimes been referred to as the Jones Generation - born 1954 and later.

    icon_wink.gif
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    May 04, 2013 3:40 PM GMT
    Damn, I thought this thread was gona be about threesomes or something. icon_confused.gif
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    May 04, 2013 3:42 PM GMT
    MikeW saidDamn, I thought this thread was gona be about threesomes or something. icon_confused.gif


    ...which I'm sure would be a helluva lot less depressing than my posts here. icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

    *winks at MikeW*

    G'morning Mike!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 3:58 PM GMT
    Distance (miles of land mass) can absolve you of much of your problem.

    Sadly not enough so that the guilt doesn't still reach you and you find yourself sending money to your sisters (his and mine).
    Crazy; I find my self "poor mouthing" like my father used to do when I asked for a anything growing up.


    @ willular---have I told you how much you rock lately?
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    May 04, 2013 4:11 PM GMT
    I've been there for the last few years. In the end, it's their money to enjoy as they please. Unless you seriously have grounds to have them declared incompetent and take on the pain of managing their lives (or paying someone else to do so.) They are not going to improve.

    Right now I'm at the point of deciding whether to take on a third job to keep mom in the retirement home (checks sent to the home, not to her) or bring her to my house and spend the rest of my life waiting on her. Women in her family tend to slip in to alzheimers early - for them, it's a pretty subtle change - then live forever.
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    May 04, 2013 6:09 PM GMT
    TheNomeKing saidMmm...sandwich


    LOL. My fave is pulled pork sandwich.
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    May 04, 2013 6:27 PM GMT
    Sporty_g saidIt is a real challenge to have aging parents and children of your own at the same time.....and BOTH expecting you to help them financially, mobility, medically...etc
    I am really struggling with my mom making increasingly more bad decisions that are getting more expensive and more frequent.....along with 3 sons of my own, that are trying their own way in the world and still fall back into me as their safety net.....
    This last month alone has cost about $2800 for both of them together, out of my budget/savings...I can't afford to do this too many times......but not sure how to have this conversation with my mom/step-dad about their bad financial mismanagement....
    Just looking to see if anyone else is struggling with this issue....any solutions or suggestions for this conversation without burning the bridge?

    .


    Identify your resources and theirs, what you require to save for your own eventual retirement if that is what you plan for, your future medical expenses when you might not be able to work.

    For now I believe our generation should be able to count on social security at 100% of our benefits (minus however they play with cost of living) until our early/mid 80s. Then likely benefits drop down to 75% unless they fix it. We probably have no idea as to the future of Medicare so consider the possibility of relocating out of country if required. There are of course pluses, minuses to an expat life and its own set of challenges. Hopefully Medicare will one day be able to be utilized overseas which would save both the government and the beneficiaries money and would make retirement more affordable for those who can't well afford it here. Another topic, however.

    Identify the cause of your mother's inability to make ends meet. Is this a new problem with the same money and the same expenses or are finances being drained somehow. Do you have any siblings using her resources? Are your kids double dipping between your wallet and her pocketbook?

    Is your step family abusing her or do they have resources to help their father and your mother? Have you contacted your step father's kids about this?

    Can you combine resources with your mom and her husband such as moving in together or moving your kids in with them? Or maybe you could contribute along with your step-father's family?