Do you guys ever feel like this?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 1:26 PM GMT
    Hey everyone. Another long post, sorry:

    So I've been out for a while, to varying degrees. I started to come out to people when I was twenty and now I'm twenty-three. I came out to my parents in October 2012 and we don't really talk about it, but I think for the most part they're okay with it. My relationship with them hasn't changed at all. If anything, it's probably gotten better, because I feel like I'm not hiding who I am from them.

    But I've been feeling really discouraged lately. I've never had a boyfriend and the fact is that I don't really want one. Obviously, I'm sexually attracted to men. I have had sex with men. And I love the gay friends I've made since coming out, but I just can't see myself dating any of them and I don't know why. I've just never really felt that way about any of them and I can't make myself have romantic feelings where there are none.

    And in the past week or so, I've been having these weird nostalgic feelings for the time before I came out to myself, because I remember having these intense feelings for some of the girls in my life. I had crushes, I had romantic feelings and I think maybe deep down I knew I would never be able to act on them sexually (I've tried having sex with women a couple times, it just... doesn't really work) but it felt so real and I guess I miss that.

    I'm bracing myself for accusations of internalized homophobia and maybe that's all this is. Maybe I've been telling myself that I'm perfectly okay with the fact that I'm gay and that isn't really the case. It's definitely not guilt or shame... I don't think I've done anything wrong. I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay, I just think it's really HARD to be gay. And maybe I wasn't prepared for the continued loneliness outside of the closet...

    Do you guys ever feel like this? Does being gay ever get easier? icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 1:29 PM GMT
    "I've never had a boyfriend and the fact is that I don't really want one."
    So? I've never joined the Kl Klux Klan, but the fact is I never really wanted to. See? If you don't really want something, how can you complain about not doing it? It's not internalized homophobia, it's externalized crazy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 1:46 PM GMT
    Thanks for the response. Yeah, well, I do feel kind of crazy. Maybe I'm not explaining myself well enough.

    I guess my basic question is: Are there times when you feel like you don't really want to be gay or do those feelings disappear entirely after you've been out of the closet for a certain amount of time?

    As for the boyfriend thing, I think what I meant to say is that on some level I do want a boyfriend, but I still have a hard time imagining that for myself and I've never met any guy that I've been able to connect with on that level (probably because there aren't many gay guys my age where I live.)

    Whatever, it's a whiny post, people can ridicule it if they want. I just wondered if other people have felt or do feel like this sometimes. Like just... totally lonely and discouraged.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 1:51 PM GMT
    i'm in the same boat as you are except with having sex with men. have you tried going to like support groups and meeting up with other gay people? that actually does help. you start to realize that there's really nothing wrong with being gay when you're around guys that have been where you're at and are enjoying their lives not giving two shits about what other people have to think about them being gay. you can be in the same place where they are mentally if you give yourself that chance. everybody starts from somewhere and you have to sometimes take that leap in order to get something. that was how i was able to come out to my parents and brother last year.

    but yeah, i guess everything takes time for things to get easier. you'll be alright. icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 1:53 PM GMT
    Do you have any gay friends that have boyfriends? Maybe you need more exposure to happy gay couples to develop a craving?
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    May 04, 2013 2:11 PM GMT
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  • BryUSC88

    Posts: 198

    May 04, 2013 2:19 PM GMT
    "Does being gay ever get easier?"

    The short answer is yes...of course it does. But I don't really think being gay is difficult. Maybe when I was your age I did. But I'm just myself...plenty of people accept me with no issues. The ones that don't...that's their problem, not mine.

    Dating and relationships happen when they happen. Trying to force yourself to WANT a relationship won't work. If you don't want one, don't have one. Most people want different things in their 30s and 40's than they did in their 20's anyway.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 2:46 PM GMT
    Do you guys ever feel like this?

    No
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 2:53 PM GMT
    Relationship or not in a relationship, it doesn't matter as long as you you're happy with the things and people you have.
    Perhaps you only feel that way coz you haven't met a perfect guy yet! So, cheer up, you'll be fine.

    Does being gay ever get easier?
    yes! definitely.
    (I'm not trying to be optimistic, because I know it's true...though it may take some time.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 3:34 PM GMT
    It sounds to me like the problem is your perceptions. You have a clear cut idea of what a heterosexual relationship looks like, but the idea of having a similar situation with a guy seems foreign to you. Not surprising, given that you've had heterosexual relationships as a model most of your life, and are now starting to think outside the box.

    I'm guessing that even though you've come out to your family and friends, you are still working on accepting the fact that you are gay on some level. I went through that as well at one point - the "was this a mistake?" phase. It is temporary.

    The more gay men you meet, the more likely you will be to find someone you're generally attracted to, and that will make a difference. Likewise, meeting guys that want more of a long term relationship (which can be harder at your age) will help. The longer you are out of the closet, the more your ideas of what you are looking for will change, and you'll stop thinking of heterosexual relationships as an option.

    In a nutshell, yes... it does get easier.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 3:52 PM GMT
    let's see...

    Before you came out you had emotional/romantic feeling with a few girls, but platonic only. Sex didn't work.

    So now you've had sex with men which worked, but no emotional/romantic action.

    I think you might consider that you, at 23, have only scratched the surface of the number of gay men out there. The more of them you meet ( and NOT necessarily from sexual trysts) the higher the odds go in your favour of meeting someone that triggers all those bells you think at the moment aren't there in you to be rung. icon_wink.gif

    As well, your generation is going about it a tad differently; going for career etc first and then addressing romantic life and love. This is just fine.


  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    May 04, 2013 3:54 PM GMT
    Erik101 saidDo you guys ever feel like this?

    No


    Oh you!icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 4:31 PM GMT
    I think I know the feeling you mean - you have friends and a social life but are still lonely in a more intimate sense.

    I don't think it necessarily gets easier, no, and many gay people who do not find stable long term relationships (and many who do) go at least through stretches of the loneliness you describe for many, many years.

    But that is not a gay thing. Many, many straight people go through the same thing. They can't find someone to marry, or they get divorced and have a hard time on the singles scene when all their friends are married. Hell, even many, many people, straight and gay, are profoundly lonely inside marriages.

    So no, sorry to rain on the parade of relentless (and in my opinion false) optimism - I don't think it helps to dismiss or minimize the problem.

    However, while the problem may go away if you do find, say, a soulmate, there are no guarantees. In the meantime, there are ways to mitigate the problem, for the most part by concentrating on other things you might enjoy. If you find yourself unable to do that, it might help to speak to a good counselor.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 4:31 PM GMT
    Did I?
    Yes.
    Do I now?
    No.

    It is all part of the process.

    Betting you not only connected or had romantic feeling for women growing up, but a couple guys, guys that were completely unattainable, guy's you couldn't even talk to, but found your eyes on constantly.

    Trust
    It won't be long till you have the best of both worlds.

    I know you won't believe me, as it has to happen right now or it never will, but also trust, that one guy will come--you'll be ruined forever.
    And forever is longer than you can wrap your mind around now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 5:58 PM GMT
    Does everybody meet their perfect guy? No. That's Hollywood BS, which IMO makes people less happy by creating unrealistic expectations. It's better to learn the life skills needed so as not to depend on that.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 04, 2013 8:01 PM GMT
    smartmoney said"I've never had a boyfriend and the fact is that I don't really want one."
    So? I've never joined the Kl Klux Klan, but the fact is I never really wanted to. See? If you don't really want something, how can you complain about not doing it? It's not internalized homophobia, it's externalized crazy.


    that's a lie and you know it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 8:12 PM GMT
    rh4daf.gif

    Whatever your problem is, good luck with that.

    megg-gif.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 04, 2013 8:59 PM GMT
    I think reading some of Kinsey's research on sexuality in men might help you out.

    My opinion: we are all on a 'sexuality' scale let's say from 1-10, and, that number, depending on life circumstance, can fluctuate.

    I've never understood why people tend to label themselves gay or straight. I'm more comfortable saying - I am who I am and will be with who I be with. Why do we tend to limit ourselves by putting us into one box?

  • WrestlerBoy

    Posts: 1903

    May 04, 2013 9:33 PM GMT
    I think Seekonk actually has a pretty good point. Your sense of isolation and loneliness probably has a lot more to do to with being human and 23 in 2013 than it does with being gay.

    I think guys about my age were just about the last to go out "en masse" to gay clubs routinely, where we had to meet and deal with other human beings....for real.

    A lot of people now only do ("only" being the operative word) what we're doing right now..... looking at a monitor; a perfect way to breed a sense of alienation.

    It might sound dumb but...somehow.....get out more???


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 05, 2013 1:33 AM GMT
    There are many people who remain single throughout their lives by choice.there is nothing wrong with that.Ryan.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    May 05, 2013 2:15 AM GMT
    Again I point out that gay guys don't usually start dating until they're in their 20s, not in their teens the way their straight counterparts do. This is part of the problem you're facing. Also most of us do not grow up with good gay relationship role models either in real life or in the media.

    For me, the most difficult years of my life (especially in terms of adjusting to my sexuality) were my early to mid 20s. After 25 things started to change for the better.

    Dating isn't hooking up. Dating is going out with someone you like just to have fun. Dinner, a movie, dancing, clubbing or maybe some physical activity or going to a game, etc. Afterward just hanging out. Conversation. Getting to know one another as people. No sex, at least not on the first date. Save that for the second or third date... if there is one.

    Relationships require intimacy and intimacy is more than sex. If you're not ready, don't try to rush it. Hopefully it will happen when you are (both) ready.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 05, 2013 3:53 AM GMT
    Yeah can't say I've ever looked back in life and thought, "man, I wish I could go back to the days before I came out". I mean, sure, life was good and all, but man coming out and being free and open and do whatever the hell I want is amazing. no more hiding, no more lies, nothing of the sort.

    For a long time, I didn't really pursue anything because 1) i wasn't attracted to girls and 2) i could have been kicked out of the military for pursuing men. so I just did my own thing, remained single.

    it was fun and all, but coming out and having a boyfriend now (for 3.5 years now!) is way better. So can't say i've ever been in your boat. I've always known I've wanted to settled down with a dude, not a chick. it never even really crossed my mind.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    May 05, 2013 6:48 AM GMT
    buddy, i think it will get easier for you as you get to know more people. i think once you get a chance to travel a little bit, live a little bit, and explore a little bit you will see things do get better.
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    May 05, 2013 7:15 AM GMT
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    Word !
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    May 05, 2013 7:47 AM GMT
    I once told a teacher that I just did not like a particular piece of music. Itis one of those pieces generally regarded as a complete masterwork.

    She just said, calmly, "Don't worry, you're just not old enough." She was right.

    There is nothing wrong with letting time be the teacher.