I need y'all to be real with me

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 04, 2013 10:24 PM GMT
    I'm having doubts about where this relationship with the guy I'm seeing can go. He's going to be in jail for awhile and although I like him I'm not sure if I'm willing to put my life on hold for him when I have no idea how'd we be together when we get out. I mean I care for this person deeply but I'm not seeing this going very far but I don't want to abandon him. And then I still feel like I lucked out by having someone as attractive as him want to be with me. And I'm afraid of being alone again. And also whenever I see him I'm like 'yeah I'm sure I wanna keep doing this' but then after a few days reality sinks back in and I realize I'm possibly missing out on someone else.

    I've noticed this as a pattern with myself. I start talking to a guy and things are going great and for a while I'm cool and thinking this person is everything. But then things get serious like they don't fawn over me like I want or I realize I'm not satisfied with their job or I notice something about their physical appearance I don't like and I start looking at other people. And then that other person is the object of my desire because I'm wondering about what they could potentially give me. Or if I'm talking to a guy for a while but I don't like how we met or I don't like how we look together or I don't think we're moving fast enough I get very anxious. The same goes if they aren't as attractive as my friends' boyfriends or if other people don't give me their approval about the guy. I get anxious and I start to look elsewhere and try to find a way out of this situation. It becomes a shackle very quickly and then I crave being free. But as soon as I am I get upset that I'm single and can't find someone. So I realize those are my flaws. But he has his too, being in jail being one of them.

    So be real with me...what should I do?
  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    May 04, 2013 10:30 PM GMT
    whats he in jail for n for how long? you could just half put it on hold till he gets out
    visit him, send him postcards, etc, but keep your options open for new people, no harm in that!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 04, 2013 10:33 PM GMT
    jackooh saidwhats he in jail for n for how long? you could just half put it on hold till he gets out
    visit him, send him postcards, etc, but keep your options open for new people, no harm in that!


    At least another two months. He hasn't been sentenced. I'm gonna discuss every detail because its complicated as hell but he's got until July until we know what happens.

    He said he doesn't like the idea of other guys touching me so he asked me not to talk to anyone else. I've tried for the most part to go with that but heck it's hard. I get lonely sometimes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 04, 2013 10:34 PM GMT
    Dump him before he drags you down with him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 04, 2013 10:37 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidDump him before he drags you down with him.


    I thought about it.

    But I have this sinking feeling I may never find anyone else that's as attractive as him that's really into me.
  • LoveAndPeace

    Posts: 460

    May 04, 2013 10:38 PM GMT
    It seems like a lot of gay men don't understand the definition of a relationship.How long have you guys been together? And also if he doesn't mind or you post a pic of him so we can determine if he is attractive enough for you to stay with him lol :p
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 04, 2013 10:40 PM GMT
    LoveAndPeace saidIt seems like a lot of gay men don't understand the definition of a relationship.How long have you guys been together? And also if he doesn't mind or you post a pic of him so we can determine if he is attractive enough for you to stay with him lol :p


    I've only really got a mugshot of him and a few pictures on his relatives FB but I can't post those here. It's not like you'd be able to see them anyway.

    And it's been almost two months.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 04, 2013 10:46 PM GMT
    Keep it platonic with your prison pal... and be honest with him that you're out there looking.

    Otherwise, you'll pass up a long time waiting and when he finally is freed, you'll get together... and then your anxieties will kick in ("how we look together," "people won't give me their approval," etc.), and you'll feel bad for stringing him along only to dump him once he's back out on the streets.

    A strong part of his romantic appeal to you is you can spend a predictable amount of time together... and then you're free to break away. When his jail time ends, that element of his appeal goes away. and your anxieties kick-in full-time. So make sure he's clear that you're ONLY looking to maintain a friendship at this time from him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 04, 2013 10:50 PM GMT
    dayumm saidKeep it platonic with your prison pal... and be honest with him that you're out there looking.

    Otherwise, you'll pass up a long time waiting and when he finally is freed, you'll get together... and then your anxieties will kick in ("how we look together," "people won't give me their approval," etc.), and you'll feel bad for stringing him along only to dump him once he's back out on the streets.

    A strong part of his romantic appeal to you is you can spend a predictable amount of time together... and then you're free to break away. When his jail time ends, that element of his appeal goes away. and your anxieties kick-in full-time. So make sure he's clear that you're ONLY looking to maintain a friendship at this time from him.


    Well that's not necessarily something I'm going to be able to do. He and I have both expressed strong feeling for one another. It's never been a platonic thing.

    One of my huge anxieties is that I won't be able to find anyone else if I do tell him I want to kinda slow it down a little.

    I like having options.

    It's not like there was a line of guys interested in me before I met him.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    May 04, 2013 10:50 PM GMT
    MisfitToy just want to congratulate you for your very obvious weight loss success! you are looking good buddy! amazing at the total transformation weight loss have done for you!! keep it up!

    Nooooooo!! don't you dare follow through with it please! specially now when you seem to have so much good things happening in your life! you deserve better! you are at a time and place in your life where you must surround yourself with positive people in order for you to fulfill your goals! good luck and I wish you well!
  • LoveAndPeace

    Posts: 460

    May 04, 2013 10:52 PM GMT
    MisfitToy said
    LoveAndPeace saidIt seems like a lot of gay men don't understand the definition of a relationship.How long have you guys been together? And also if he doesn't mind or you post a pic of him so we can determine if he is attractive enough for you to stay with him lol :p


    I've only really got a mugshot of him and a few pictures on his relatives FB but I can't post those here. It's not like you'd be able to see them anyway.

    And it's been almost two months.
    I'f it's only been 2 months dump his ass.If the only thing that really matters to you in having an attractive boyfriend rather than his personality why have a boyfriend?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 04, 2013 10:55 PM GMT
    LoveAndPeace said
    MisfitToy said
    LoveAndPeace saidIt seems like a lot of gay men don't understand the definition of a relationship.How long have you guys been together? And also if he doesn't mind or you post a pic of him so we can determine if he is attractive enough for you to stay with him lol :p


    I've only really got a mugshot of him and a few pictures on his relatives FB but I can't post those here. It's not like you'd be able to see them anyway.

    And it's been almost two months.
    I'f it's only been 2 months dump his ass.If the only thing that really matters to you in having an attractive boyfriend rather than his personality why have a boyfriend?


    Because I want other people to see what I can pull. That's a part of it.

    Sure I like his personality. I'm sure he would try to give me whatever I wanted when I got out. He's releasing as his shit that he had on him when got arrested to me so I can use it to take of myself. Food stamps, debit, etc.

    But to me when I look at guys I look at what they represent and how they fit into my image of the life I want for myself.

  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    May 04, 2013 11:16 PM GMT
    2 months really isnt that long, stick it out if you wanna! more than a year is pushing it but 2-6 months will fly by
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 04, 2013 11:17 PM GMT
    jackooh said2 months really isnt that long, stick it out if you wanna! more than a year is pushing it but 2-6 months will fly by


    You have a point.

    It depends on how much time he actually gets sentenced to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2013 12:40 AM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ saidMisfitToy just want to congratulate you for your very obvious weight loss success! you are looking good buddy! amazing at the total transformation weight loss have done for you!! keep it up!

    Nooooooo!! don't you dare follow through with it please! specially now when you seem to have so much good things happening in your life! you deserve better! you are at a time and place in your life where you must surround yourself with positive people in order for you to fulfill your goals! good luck and I wish you well!


    Thanks.

    And a part of me does wonder if there might be someone else out there more compatible with me but I don't want to go out there and try something else only to end up not having found anything and lost the one person who was into me.

    And the no sex thing is killing me. I mostly just kind of want to sleep with other people. I've had opportunities but didn't explore them. If he allowed me to do that until he got out I'd be a happy camper to be honest.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2013 1:19 AM GMT
    Wait for your man. Why would you consider anything else?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2013 10:09 AM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ saidMisfitToy just want to congratulate you for your very obvious weight loss success! you are looking good buddy! amazing at the total transformation weight loss have done for you!! keep it up!

    Nooooooo!! don't you dare follow through with it please! specially now when you seem to have so much good things happening in your life! you deserve better! you are at a time and place in your life where you must surround yourself with positive people in order for you to fulfill your goals! good luck and I wish you well!


    Leandro, you're acting like just because his BF is in jail, he isn't a positive influence on Isaiah. Stop acting like just because he's in a relationship with someone in jail, all his future goals will be never be achieved. From what I've heard of his BF, he wants to take of and support Isaiah fully.

    But Isaiah, don't stay with him just because you want other people to see "what you can pull". That would be USING him, and you're better than that. I know those aren't your intentions, I know how good you're being to him, just keep that in mind. But, don't string him on if you don't think it will work out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2013 1:17 PM GMT
    JohnSpotter saidWait for your man. Why would you consider anything else?


    This.

    Based on the above discussions, i hope it is not the case that he is ok for you to explore. Just look for the priority in your life.

    Many at times we forget to respect Love which is all we are after.

    We complaint all the time that we don't get love, we don't deserve the way life is keeping us single, we have not yet met that special person and so on. Now when we actually end up getting a soulmate, then we let our temptations destroy whatever we were looking for earlier thus making everything meaningless. I agree that it is normal for anyone to get tempted, but knowing our priorities in life is what makes our life clearer and even for the other person involved.

    If you want him around, then wait for him.
    If you don't want him, then make it clear to him and move on.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2013 2:10 PM GMT
    Slim2010 said
    LEANDRO_NJ saidMisfitToy just want to congratulate you for your very obvious weight loss success! you are looking good buddy! amazing at the total transformation weight loss have done for you!! keep it up!

    Nooooooo!! don't you dare follow through with it please! specially now when you seem to have so much good things happening in your life! you deserve better! you are at a time and place in your life where you must surround yourself with positive people in order for you to fulfill your goals! good luck and I wish you well!


    Leandro, you're acting like just because his BF is in jail, he isn't a positive influence on Isaiah. Stop acting like just because he's in a relationship with someone in jail, all his future goals will be never be achieved. From what I've heard of his BF, he wants to take of and support Isaiah fully.

    But Isaiah, don't stay with him just because you want other people to see "what you can pull". That would be USING him, and you're better than that. I know those aren't your intentions, I know how good you're being to him, just keep that in mind. But, don't string him on if you don't think it will work out.


    Of cours there are other reasons why I'm with him.mhis looks aren't the only reason but they are a reason why I am hesitant to give up on him so quickly. I'm afraid no one else like him in looks and personality will ever come my way again. But this is is stressful on me and I told him it is. So he asked me when I saw him last to try and step back from all I'm doing and just be there for him. That was kind of a relief but that means then there is no chance of him getting out sooner if I don't work with the lawyer to push for an earlier hearing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2013 2:41 PM GMT
    Wow! I say take your original post and sell it as lyrics for a country and western song, make thousands of dollars off of it and then reevaluate what you want to do with this situation. In the period of time it takes for all this to transpire, I predict you'll come to see things pretty clearly and your fear of being alone will fall by the wayside. You're a lot stronger than you think you are right now. Good Luck

    P.S. I was serious about your original post as lyrics. the content is stellar, deeply touching, and has universal appeal IMHO. Just needs a little massage to fit into ballad format.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2013 2:43 PM GMT
    Voltaire saidWow! I say take your original post and sell it as lyrics for a country and western song, make thousands of dollars off of it and then reevaluate what you want to do with this situation. In the period of time it takes for all this to transpire, I predict you'll come to see things pretty clearly and your fear of being alone will fall by the wayside. You're a lot stronger than you think you are right now. Good Luck

    P.S. I was serious about your original post as lyrics. the content is stellar, deeply touching, and has universal appeal IMHO. Just needs a little massage to fit into ballad format.


    Lol thanks and I already wrote a song about him. That's what happens when I get stressed or sad. I write.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 05, 2013 2:55 PM GMT
    Be supportive, but you need to realize as does he, "you have your own life to lead". That doesn't mean you can't be a caring friend, but you weren't married, you weren't dedicated to him. You need to understand that first... as does he.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 05, 2013 3:02 PM GMT
    write a screenplay about it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2013 3:04 PM GMT
    calibro saidwrite a screenplay about it


    Lol maybe a play.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 05, 2013 3:20 PM GMT

    It's Voltaire!! (an old friend)

    Yep, do a song, MisfitToy, having heard your voice crooning, and listened to your lyrics, I'm curious as a cat as to what you'll come up with. icon_smile.gif