Should I move out of my parent's house?

  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 05, 2013 1:43 AM GMT
    I'm 20 and I'm getting really sick of living with my parents. It's the end of the semester now, and I will be going back home to my parent's house in a few days. I'm not looking forward to it at all. They always want to know what I'm doing, where I'm going, and make my decisions for me of whether I can do certain things or go certain places. I'm tired of them being so controlling over what I do. I'm feeling more and more that I should be out on my own away from them. I like them, but I don't like how they treat me at home or how controlling they are of my life when they're around. With whatever I wanna do, it's not possible when I'm living with my parents. They don't believe I am gay and they feel I could still date girls. While I'm open to the possibility, I'm not trying to force myself to like girls whereas they feel I'm too young to decide for sure and should give them a try, and they won't really let me go out and talk to guys telling me that "I'm rushing my life". They're trying to guilt me into being who they want me to be, but it's not going to work. I feel I don't have enough freedom at home. They also won't let me stay out or go out late or stay over ppl's houses, and I like to go to parties so that's a problem. I feel like I'm trapped in the house all the time during the summer and I feel miserable. I know they only want me to be safe and they love me yada yada, but they're holding me back from doing what I want to do with my life, and I'm sick of it.

    I've got $1000 in my account right now. I don't have a car or enough money to pay off my college though. I don't want to cut myself off of my own college funding, but I really want to be away from my parents and live my own life. My friends found a nice small house in my college town and they're looking for a fourth roommate to share with and split the rent($400/month). They do have a car. So what should I do? Should I ask my parents to let me move out to allow me to live on my own while going to school and agree to pay the rent but still ask for them to pay for my tuition? Should I just tell them I'm moving out without seeking their approval and do it and take out loans or take a break and work til I can afford college? Or do I need to stay at home longer until I'm more financially stable to live on my own(if I'm not already)? What do you think?
  • LoveAndPeace

    Posts: 460

    May 05, 2013 1:48 AM GMT
    If you really wanna leave get a couple of jobs during the summer.Dont use your savings..you need to save that.Try to save for a car but you can always save for a new place and take the metro for transportation icon_smile.gif I'm in same situation so I feel ya icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 05, 2013 1:56 AM GMT
    Have you tried talking to them about this?
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    May 05, 2013 2:06 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidHave you tried talking to them about this?


    They said tl;dr
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 05, 2013 2:21 AM GMT
    On one hand you need to start fending for yourself, on the other I think if you move out you will probably either not finish college or will start failing you classes. Since you stated, " Should I ask my parents to let me move out to allow me to live on my own while going to school ...," this tells me that you are not yet mature enough to live on your own and make it on your own. You are going to have to start proving your self. Either get a part time job or start doing volunteer work. When you do go out, how are you paying for your night out.If you are asking your parents for money, then they have every right to not want to give you any to go out.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 05, 2013 2:22 AM GMT
    LoveAndPeace saidIf you really wanna leave get a couple of jobs during the summer.Dont use your savings..you need to save that.Try to save for a car but you can always save for a new place and take the metro for transportation icon_smile.gif I'm in same situation so I feel ya icon_smile.gif


    I changed it to "my account" because I don't really have savings- most of my money goes into my checking account. But I mean $1,000 total.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 05, 2013 2:29 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidOn one hand you need to start fending for yourself, on the other I think if you move out you will probably either not finish college or will start failing you classes. Since you stated, " Should I ask my parents to let me move out to allow me to live on my own while going to school ...," this tells me that you are not yet mature enough to live on your own and make it on your own. You are going to have to start proving your self. Either get a part time job or start doing volunteer work. When you do go out, how are you paying for your night out.If you are asking your parents for money, then they have every right to not want to give you any to go out.


    Guess I should have mentioned that I DO have a part-time job- I work at my school. On school breaks, I work at McD's. I pay for my own groceries though sometimes they feel they want to help and I accept that, and they'll give me some stuff from home too. I don't rely on them that much though; I usually go on my own time to the supermarket. I paid for my own spring break trip, and I pay for other expenses that come up like deposits and stuff I need like clothing since I pretty much make enough to do so(and my parents feel I do too). I also pay for gas money to use my dad's car whenever I need it to go to work or go somewhere. I don't ask my parents for money to go out; they just pay my tuition costs. The only thing I can't afford besides a car(which is necessary but any form of transportation will do, and my friends have a car so I can go places with them- not a problem) is college tuition. As long as I have a stable job, I could pay my own rent and groceries(and that would be expected, of course). I could look into renting my own car.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 05, 2013 2:36 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidHave you tried talking to them about this?


    I have not really talked one-on-one about how they've been treating me when they're around. I mean I'd bring it up, but it would be in the middle of rants/arguments we'd have with each other. Maybe I should bring it up to them in a calm, but stern manner. I have briefly talked to them about living on my own, but it was only for work purposes or for housing during the year for school. I haven't actually requested to live on my own directly(like saying "I want to live independently" or something along those lines).
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 05, 2013 2:41 AM GMT
    easterndude69 said
    Guess I should have mentioned that I DO have a part-time job- I work at my school. On school breaks, I work at McD's. I pay for my own groceries though sometimes they feel they want to help and I accept that, and they'll give me some stuff from home too. I don't rely on them that much though; I usually go on my own time to the supermarket. I paid for my own spring break trip, and I pay for other expenses that come up like deposits and stuff I need like clothing since I pretty much make enough to do so(and my parents feel I do too). I also pay for gas money to use my dad's car whenever I need it to go to work or go somewhere. I don't ask my parents for money to go out; they just pay my tuition costs. The only thing I can't afford besides a car(which is necessary but any form of transportation will do, and my friends have a car so I can go places with them- not a problem) is college tuition. As long as I have a stable job, I could pay my own rent and groceries(and that would be expected, of course). I could look into renting my own car.

    I have a feeling if you move out, you are not going to have any of the extra money anymore to pay for all the little expenses that you have. You're really a goner without a car, so you better stay at home and make saving up for that you first priority.
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    May 05, 2013 3:49 AM GMT
    do it.find a way and just fucking do it.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 05, 2013 4:34 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk said
    easterndude69 said
    Guess I should have mentioned that I DO have a part-time job- I work at my school. On school breaks, I work at McD's. I pay for my own groceries though sometimes they feel they want to help and I accept that, and they'll give me some stuff from home too. I don't rely on them that much though; I usually go on my own time to the supermarket. I paid for my own spring break trip, and I pay for other expenses that come up like deposits and stuff I need like clothing since I pretty much make enough to do so(and my parents feel I do too). I also pay for gas money to use my dad's car whenever I need it to go to work or go somewhere. I don't ask my parents for money to go out; they just pay my tuition costs. The only thing I can't afford besides a car(which is necessary but any form of transportation will do, and my friends have a car so I can go places with them- not a problem) is college tuition. As long as I have a stable job, I could pay my own rent and groceries(and that would be expected, of course). I could look into renting my own car.

    I have a feeling if you move out, you are not going to have any of the extra money anymore to pay for all the little expenses that you have. You're really a goner without a car, so you better stay at home and make saving up for that you first priority.


    Of course, it wouldn't be perfect and I'd have to budget and cut some small things out and dine out much less. You don't need a car with public transportation, and my friends that I'd be sharing a house with have a car so I wouldn't be totally stranded. As long as I could find myself a stable job and commit myself to working full-time, it could work at least as far as living expenses. College expenses are another story...
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    May 05, 2013 4:35 AM GMT
    Seems like your parents are too commanding. If I were you I would move away by telling them, if they reject me, I will request them, still if they reject me, I'll write a note and leave the place. But never will stay in the house.

    I have a suggestion for you, if you can't get help(financially) from anyone, this will sure work for you, but it gonna need some sacrifice or more like effort.
    1. 1st make arrangements for the basic needs like Food,cloth and shelter
    2. have a full time or part time job(it's good that you already have one).
    3. save money, not to buy a car, but only for your future basic needs and education.
    4. work and save money until you can pay for your tuition all by yourself (I don't know how much does the tuition costs). don't worry if a year or so is lost in the process of saving money.
    5. In the spare times, focus on what you want to study, get acquainted to the course which you want to take before going to college. It'll make easier for you when you start taking the course.
    Remember that your primary focus should be on your basic needs (food, cloth & shelter. Doesn't mean expensive clothing, 5star hotel food...just telling, if you're getting this kinda impression.) because if you can't fulfill these basic needs, you'll face several obstacles while you study.

    If you're self reliant, your parents will surely change their opinion and attitude towards you.

    I hope it's helpful & I wish you all the best.
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    May 05, 2013 4:38 AM GMT
    No, you should live with your parent till you milk them from every dime of your inheritance so you can be the next lying "homeless vet" on the street corner begging for beer money.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 05, 2013 4:51 AM GMT
    Harry7785 saidSeems like your parents are too commanding. If I were you I would move away by telling them, if they reject me, I will request them, still if they reject me, I'll write a note and leave the place. But never will stay in the house.

    I have a suggestion for you, if you can't get help(financially) from anyone, this will sure work for you, but it gonna need some sacrifice or more like effort.
    1. 1st make arrangements for the basic needs like Food,cloth and shelter
    2. have a full time or part time job(it's good that you already have one).
    3. save money, not to buy a car, but only for your future basic needs and education.
    4. work and save money until you can pay for your tuition all by yourself (I don't know how much does the tuition costs). don't worry if a year or so is lost in the process of saving money.
    5. In the spare times, focus on what you want to study, get acquainted to the course which you want to take before going to college. It'll make easier for you when you start taking the course.
    Remember that your primary focus should be on your basic needs (food, cloth & shelter. Doesn't mean expensive clothing, 5star hotel food...just telling, if you're getting this kinda impression.) because if you can't fulfill these basic needs, you'll face several obstacles while you study.

    If you're self reliant, your parents will surely change their opinion and attitude towards you.

    I hope it's helpful & I wish you all the best.


    I'm thinking about it, but the best move might be to ask my parents if I could go live out on my own and pay my rent while they pay for me to go to school. It prob won't work, but it's considerably easier than having to pay everything myself. At the same time, it's not impossible, and I will only have myself to answer to if I become completely self-sufficient. Meaning if my grades did drop because I had trouble, I wouldn't have to stress my parents cutting my college fund cause I would be providing it myself(because computer science is a difficult program to study, and low grades do happen sometimes- not because one is a bad student, but because the program is vigorous and students sometimes have difficulty understanding the material). Also, I wouldn't need their permission to move out- I could tell them I am(it's prob still best to be respectful to them that it's not being done out of spite of them, but just to get out in the real world and live my own life). The car is not needed- not yet, anyway. There are ways around that to get transportation, or I could try renting a car instead which is considerably cheaper(and most college students opt for this option).
  • chadwick1985

    Posts: 391

    May 05, 2013 9:50 AM GMT
    I will start off by saying this, if you live under their roof you have to abide by their rules. Even the stupid ones. I honestly think they don't want to accept that you are gay. When did you tell them you were and how did they take it? Are you an only child?

    As for moving out, if it will make you happy then do it. The most important thing in life is happiness. Other things come second. Talk to them, tell them you would like to move out and live with a couple friends from school. Don't make it sound like its because you feel they are controlling but tell them you will need to live on your own when you are out of school so why not try it now so you can learn what struggles come with it.

    If they threaten to stop paying for school, get loans. It sucks but in the end once you get a good job you can pay it back.
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    May 05, 2013 1:17 PM GMT
    chadwick1985 said(1) I will start off by saying this, if you live under their roof you have to abide by their rules. .....
    (2)If they threaten to stop paying for school, get loans. It sucks but in the end once you get a good job you can pay it back.


    Agree with (1), disagree with (2).
    It's their house, they're your parents, as long as you live with them they will feel (correctly) that they get to be parental.
    But .. don't load yourself up with loans. Haven't you seen media reports about recent college graduates who can't make their loan payments because they're underemployed?
    You can put up with the parents for another year or so. When you have your degree you will have the tools to take control of your life.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 05, 2013 2:07 PM GMT
    unless you're taking care of your parents, i don't think one should live with his/her parents if it can be avoided
  • Sportsfan1

    Posts: 479

    May 05, 2013 2:15 PM GMT
    First of all you are adult capable of making your own decisions. You can work part-time or full-time in the summer to save up more money for a car or to help out with the rent. I can only tell you that it took my awhile to move out of my parent's house and it was the best thing I have ever done. My only regret is that I did not do it sooner!
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    May 05, 2013 2:21 PM GMT
    I hear similar complaints all the time from other college students. The fact is that if you are still taking help from your parents, you are still their child, and parents get to make the rules for their children. I moved out a few days after I turned 18 and was still in high school. We never had the greatest relationship to begin with, but when I moved out we had a discussion that laid out the new dynamics of our relationship which basically boiled down to this. I am their son, not their child. Therefore, they can make requests of me, but they cannot tell me what to do. They can have all the opinions they want about the way I conduct my life, but they aren't allowed any input. If I want them to be aware of what's going on in my life, I have their contact information and vice versa.

    Since then I've not taken a dime of their money. Everything I own, I've bought. I foot the bill for my tuition, living expenses, etc. Sure I have a few student loans, but nothing I can't pay back in full within a year after starting my new job in June. Also our relationship has actually improved a lot since then because we're on equal footing. Ultimately you need to decide what is more important to you. Having the freedom of being their independent son, or having the security of being their child.
  • reptile18

    Posts: 199

    May 05, 2013 3:46 PM GMT
    You're gonna need a lot more money...

    I started building up a "run away" fund since I was out of college... I think you should have enough to raise a family of four (above poverty level) saved up before you move out. There's a lot of things to think about and I'm still learning all of those nuances...
  • Cdnontherun

    Posts: 69

    May 05, 2013 4:09 PM GMT
    If I understood correctly, you only live with your parents during school breaks, So what about summer school? Is that an option? Also, these people are your parents and especially if you are the oldest or only child, they are probably having some separation anxieties themselves. Add that to to news that you are gay, something they don't understand, and they are going to worry about you. Also, it is just respectful that when you are staying in someone's house to tell them where you are going and when you expect to be home. I still tell my mother those things when I'm at her house. I don't give details, but an overview. So next time, before they ask, Offer up those details. Your parents won't ask as many questions, and you will look like a mature, well-raised young adult.
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    May 05, 2013 5:06 PM GMT
    If you need advice on this topic, you are completely fucked and should just stay in Mommy's basement.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 05, 2013 5:19 PM GMT
    Cdnontherun saidIf I understood correctly, you only live with your parents during school breaks, So what about summer school? Is that an option? Also, these people are your parents and especially if you are the oldest or only child, they are probably having some separation anxieties themselves. Add that to to news that you are gay, something they don't understand, and they are going to worry about you. Also, it is just respectful that when you are staying in someone's house to tell them where you are going and when you expect to be home. I still tell my mother those things when I'm at her house. I don't give details, but an overview. So next time, before they ask, Offer up those details. Your parents won't ask as many questions, and you will look like a mature, well-raised young adult.


    I would do that even if they didn't ask because honestly, my mom would have a heart attack if I just left the house during the day without notice and didn't come back for a while. I won't give too many details unless they ask for them. I think just them knowing where I'm going and a rough overview of when I get back(it's not always precise).

    As for summer school, I may be taking one class over the summer. Unfortunately, it's only a week-long class, and my parents don't want to sign me up for too many summer classes, only the ones I need. And I only spend school breaks with my parents, but one of those (summer) is about 3 months long- too long.

  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 05, 2013 8:13 PM GMT
    Hawk_Guy13 saidI hear similar complaints all the time from other college students. The fact is that if you are still taking help from your parents, you are still their child, and parents get to make the rules for their children. I moved out a few days after I turned 18 and was still in high school. We never had the greatest relationship to begin with, but when I moved out we had a discussion that laid out the new dynamics of our relationship which basically boiled down to this. I am their son, not their child. Therefore, they can make requests of me, but they cannot tell me what to do. They can have all the opinions they want about the way I conduct my life, but they aren't allowed any input. If I want them to be aware of what's going on in my life, I have their contact information and vice versa.

    Since then I've not taken a dime of their money. Everything I own, I've bought. I foot the bill for my tuition, living expenses, etc. Sure I have a few student loans, but nothing I can't pay back in full within a year after starting my new job in June. Also our relationship has actually improved a lot since then because we're on equal footing. Ultimately you need to decide what is more important to you. Having the freedom of being their independent son, or having the security of being their child.


    I know after a while it just sounds like we're whining and angsty and resent our parents, but I believe it's just a common thing to go through as it's being a young adult while still coping with parents who think they're still children. It's a difficult thing to deal with without either losing trust or losing respect of one another. We know our parents don't want us to go, and they as parents feel the right to monitor what their children do, which to them we're still children as long as we live under their roof and take money from them. I feel though as I've been paying for my own stuff like groceries, my trips, clothing, and other expenses, I've been starting to develop independence.

    So then I have to make an important decision here. It's very likely that without a good excuse, they wouldn't be so keen to just have me move out on them. I will try to see if they'll allow me to take summer classes which would allow me to stay around my college town and live away from them for the summer as well. If that doesn't work, I could choose to deal with them (and the frustration, or try asserting things) a few months longer. This may cause me to resent them and be unhappy though. Some ppl feel that the sooner they move out the better, so maybe it's just that time for me to spread my wings and leave the nest at last as well. If I did, though, I'd have to prob take a year off from school to work full-time or take out loans(which the latter is prob not a good idea in the long run). It's a big decision to make that I'm still thinking over carefully.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 05, 2013 8:18 PM GMT
    You could just buckle down and accept the fact that they are your parents and even 30 years later they will still check up on you...