Dating someone with an HIV+ ex

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 06, 2013 3:17 PM GMT
    I met a guy online. He is very handsome and attractive. But unlike me, he has a wild side (he occasionally does drugs, bad ones, and also he has had wild group sex stuff).

    We met and at some point I was talking about how uneducated some younger gay guys are about STD's and they don't know they should be safe with strangers, he told me that he has been in an LTR with an HIV+ guy and he said he is negative and that it is really hard to get HIV and he thinks it's mostly a phobia than real concerns and that everyone should assume everyone he has sex with is positive.

    It kinda made me feel weird and I felt he might be positive. He has some redness in his eyes and after I asked him he said he got it from a vacuum dust at home. He was sorta pushy about blowing me which I didn't let to happen. I mentioned my concerns to him and suggested that we should go and get tested together. He said it sounds good.

    He said that he has got tested 2 months ago and that he doesn't think that with making out and blow offs nobody gets hiv, which is not true.

    He said that he really likes me and hasn't felt like this about anyone in a long time. I was also attracted to him. Now I don't know if I should keep seeing him or not..

    What do you suggest?
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    May 06, 2013 3:28 PM GMT
    RedwanCh saidNow I don't know if I should keep seeing him or not.

    What do you suggest?

    I recommend you move on. This guy is giving you incorrect & dangerous information. Stick with him and you may become HIV+.

    It is not "really hard" to get HIV. It is very easy if you bottom with a poz guy and he doesn't use a condom.

    As far as his HIV results, those tests tell you what his status was 3 months ago, or even as long as 6 months in some rare cases. That's how long it takes for the antibodies to develop in the blood that the HIV tests detect. You can have HIV, but the tests won't detect it reliably for about 3 months. Yet you can still pass HIV to someone else within days of your initial infection, even while the test is still reading negative.

    If his last test was 2 months ago, then add at least 3 months. Meaning he was negative 5 months ago. In the meantime he could have become infected, and be able to infect others. If he's been having unprotected sex during those 5 months he can be poz today, and be infecting others.

    Is this what you want?
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 06, 2013 3:34 PM GMT
    I recommend that A) you visit your local HIV organization and take a class because you don't really know the facts about HIV and contracting it and B) break it off because his doing drugs will eventually end badly or drag you down with him
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    May 06, 2013 4:03 PM GMT
    It is pretty much impossible for someone to get HIV from receiving a blowjob. There is not even one documented case in more than 30 years of that happening. Even giving a blowjob to someone who is positive has an extremely small chance of transmitting the disease. In a Spanish study of a large number of serodiscordant (i.e., one positive, one negative) couples having unprotected oral sex over a number of years, there was not even one single case of transmission in something like 40,000 oral sex events (I might not remember the number correctly but it was definitely 5 figures).

    Having dated someone HIV+ shouldn't be a concern if you use condoms for anal sex. Pretty much everybody in the dating pool, including most likely yourself has had sex with people who were positive, they just don't know it. Having had group sex or light drugs (like pot) is not something I would be worried about. What brings up a red light is the use of hard drugs. Unless this is something he has put behind him forever, you can expect a lot of problems from that.
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    May 06, 2013 6:40 PM GMT
    I know how HIV can be transmitted. I am just describing the contradiction that he had in what he was saying, he said you should assume everyone is positive and always be safe, but he was saying that I worry too much about getting a blowjob or making out, because there is a low risk there.

    Honsetly, I care less about him having a poz ex than I care about him doing drugs like meth an cocaine. I am extremely anti-drug and I wouldn't even talk to a guy who does those drugs a year ago. But I am coming to the conclusion that maybe they are so commonly used that I shouldn't really care about what other people do as long as they don't force it to me, you know, just like how I treat religions.

    But the fact that he told me all of this himself and I wouldn't be able to guess any of it based on his appearance makes me think he might actually be just an honest person. But at the other hand I think maybe he is positive and this was an introduction to telling me the whole truth. In any case I don't I should run away from him, but I am not sure if I should have any sexual affairs, including making out, with him before I am sure he is safe.
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    May 06, 2013 8:51 PM GMT
    RedwanCh saidI know how HIV can be transmitted. I am just describing the contradiction that he had in what he was saying, he said you should assume everyone is positive and always be safe, but he was saying that I worry too much about getting a blowjob or making out, because there is a low risk there.

    Honsetly, I care less about him having a poz ex than I care about him doing drugs like meth an cocaine. I am extremely anti-drug and I wouldn't even talk to a guy who does those drugs a year ago. But I am coming to the conclusion that maybe they are so commonly used that I shouldn't really care about what other people do as long as they don't force it to me, you know, just like how I treat religions.


    No, no, no, your conclusion about the drugs is WRONG! When it comes to hard drugs, please, please, please do yourself a favor and RUN NOW, while it is still easy for you to do so! There are heaps and heaps of guys for you who don't do hard drugs.

    But as for the making out and getting a blowjob, there is no contradiction in what he was saying. The risk of getting HIV from that is a great big zero.
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    May 06, 2013 9:54 PM GMT
    I would date you if your blood wasn't so fucking toxic
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    May 12, 2013 4:22 PM GMT
    I went out with him again and we talked a lot. I didn't want to run away, I am not that type of person. Don't like to make people feel bad about themselves.

    He expressed emotions for me. Told me that he has never met someone like me. I felt he is sad in a deeper level. He is from a rich family and has been in a fraternity and has been "partying" a lot. I told him that I don't judge him but we are totally different and it's not gonna work between us. He implied that he'd change his lifestyle.

    I am not gonna pursue a relationship with him. But I am thinking maybe I can help him to stop using drugs. But I don't know if that's my place or not. I am sorta confused about him. He could just not tell me any of this, so I appreciate his honesty. But we have almost the opposite personalities.

    Another thing that keeps me thinking is that while he has been married to an HIV+ guy for 4 years, and he has been doing drugs occasionally, is it likely that he was responsible enough during that whole time..

    I have talked about all of this with him, so this is not like I am talking behind him or anything like that. I just like to know wiser guys' opinions on this. Thanks.
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    May 12, 2013 4:45 PM GMT
    You cannot help people get off drugs. They will either do it by themselves or they won't. It would be better to walk away, since once you have a stake in someone else's sobriety or lack of it, it can only cause you lots of heartache.
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    May 12, 2013 8:38 PM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    RedwanCh saidNow I don't know if I should keep seeing him or not.

    What do you suggest?

    I recommend you move on. This guy is giving you incorrect & dangerous information. Stick with him and you may become HIV+.

    It is not "really hard" to get HIV. It is very easy if you bottom with a poz guy and he doesn't use a condom.

    As far as his HIV results, those tests tell you what his status was 3 months ago, or even as long as 6 months in some rare cases. That's how long it takes for the antibodies to develop in the blood that the HIV tests detect. You can have HIV, but the tests won't detect it reliably for about 3 months. Yet you can still pass HIV to someone else within days of your initial infection, even while the test is still reading negative.

    If his last test was 2 months ago, then add at least 3 months. Meaning he was negative 5 months ago. In the meantime he could have become infected, and be able to infect others. If he's been having unprotected sex during those 5 months he can be poz today, and be infecting others.

    Is this what you want?



    Of course not! He says he is and has always been safe, but he doesn't count the oral. I am not gonna have a relationship with him anyway. I was just concerned that what are the odds of him being clean if he's been married to a poz guy for 4 years. Even if he is poz I can still be friends with him.
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    May 12, 2013 8:43 PM GMT
    seekonk saidYou cannot help people get off drugs. They will either do it by themselves or they won't. It would be better to walk way, since once you have a stake in someone else's sobriety or lack of it, it can only cause you lots of heartache.


    Maybe you're right. I guess you are.. I hope he gets into a different path..
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    May 12, 2013 8:46 PM GMT
    Yeah, he sounds like a real prize.....
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    May 12, 2013 8:47 PM GMT
    What's with all these freaking HIV threads
    Seriously people, GET MEDICAL HELP
    Don't come asking on a forum like RJ
    Call a Dr or an anonymous line or even a testing clinic

    There is so much bad info out there and you don't wanna mess around with it. I guess people can help you here psychologically but I wouldn't trust any forums. Even poz guys themselves have bad info
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    May 12, 2013 9:06 PM GMT
    seekonk saidIt is pretty much impossible for someone to get HIV from receiving a blowjob. There is not even one documented case in more than 30 years of that happening.


    I know from being a mental health trainee that the second part of this is demonstrably false. It is true that it's highly unlikely to contract from unprotected oral sex, but it has and does happen.
  • TroyAthlete

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    May 12, 2013 9:12 PM GMT
    ART_DECO saidAs far as his HIV results, those tests tell you what his status was 3 months ago, or even as long as 6 months in some rare cases. That's how long it takes for the antibodies to develop in the blood that the HIV tests detect. You can have HIV, but the tests won't detect it reliably for about 3 months. Yet you can still pass HIV to someone else within days of your initial infection, even while the test is still reading negative.


    It's true that the most infectious people most of us will run into are those who think they are negative and actually are not.

    It's not true that HIV tests are unreliable until 3 or more months out. The cheap, instant antibody tests everybody gets nowadays can detect antibodies as early as three weeks, but it also (very rarely) gives false positives. The blot test which is ~100% correct because it tests for the actual virus can detect it within two weeks (really a month because it typically takes two weeks for the blot test results to come back to the patient because they test and retest and retest to make absolutely sure).

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 12, 2013 9:17 PM GMT
    Run, in the other direction. It's exactly his attitudes toward catching HIV that will or already lead him to it. Also, if he's using drugs, he's lying, no doubt.
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    May 12, 2013 9:57 PM GMT
    what would I suggest?

    READ YOUR THIRD SENTENCE.

    done. End scene.
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    May 12, 2013 11:23 PM GMT
    TroyAthlete said
    seekonk saidIt is pretty much impossible for someone to get HIV from receiving a blowjob. There is not even one documented case in more than 30 years of that happening.


    I know from being a mental health trainee that the second part of this is demonstrably false. It is true that it's highly unlikely to contract from unprotected oral sex, but it has and does happen.


    Receiving
    a blowjob? That means someone licks your dick. No. Fucking. Way. You're as likely to get HIV from kissing, i.e., doesn't happen.

    I think there was only one case in San Fransisco claiming he caught it this way, in 30 years, and he was probably lying.

    As House always says, people lie. People especially lie to doctors because they want the approval of the people who have the power of life and death. People ESPECIALLY lie about what they did in bed. "Oh, he only sucked me." They are not going to admit the part where they got a bare dick stuck just a little bit up their ass when they were drunk, because well, they stopped and put on a condom, so it doesn't count, plus they think the doctor will disapprove, and all patients want their doctor to approve of them. They have reason - doctors tend to treat patients better who they think are not at fault for their infection, and they treat patients worse who they think are at fault, even if only unconsciously.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    May 12, 2013 11:36 PM GMT
    I have a few thoughts:

    1. I think your gut is telling you something and you should listen to it.

    2. Drugs: I find it HILARIOUS that people categorize drugs as "good" or "bad"...or "hard"...(as if there are 'soft' drugs)...I tend to focus on behavior...what I care to see and what I don't from someone using or not using substances...I find it to be a far better predictor of my relationship as any substance can be taken to an extreme...

    3. HIV: It is not TECHNICALLY incorrect to say HIV is difficult to contract. That may be true in comparison to say the flu virus or common cold which are very easy to contract. HIV requires some very specific conditions for infection. That being said, unprotected anal intercourse and drugs are two big drivers to HIV infection. When I hear those two elements in someone's story as an HIV counselor I tell them it concerns me.

    4. Re-read point #1.

    Good Luck.

    - David icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 12, 2013 11:36 PM GMT
    RedwanCh said


    "he said you should assume everyone is positive and always be safe,"

    I thought we are always supposed to assume that everyone is pos


    "I was just concerned that what are the odds of him being clean if he's been married to a poz guy for 4 years."

    That is one of the most idiotic sentences in this thread






    My advice is too tell him he has a drug issue, move on and educate yourself on HIV. This way next time, you will have the info handy and will not have to rely upon others in the heat of the moment whether or not you can get your dick sucked.