Grindr; Scruff; Jack'd; Etc. Download or not?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 06, 2013 7:01 PM GMT
    Here I pose an interesting 'relationship' question.

    About two month ago I met this very charming man who seemed to have everything I needed. We met and sparks started flying, this was the first guy I had actually met in the last 10 months I was interested in for more than his looks.

    One thing lead to another and we continue to spend our weekends together. Fast forward the two months and I'm left feeling a bit under appreciated and frustrated, mostly because he's a VERY hard read. He'll say things one minute that make me swoon... but then not respond to texts or phone calls the next...

    He's been hurt in the past which leaves him unwilling to be open, romantic, and go out of his way to make me feel special, because it's 'fake and unrealistic (his words). If I were to describe our relationship, which he refuses to label, I'd say we are 'frat brothers' who simply love cuddling, hanging out, and occasionally getting down and dirty (fooling around - no sex so far)

    I needed a new phone about a month ago. I decided out of respect for the new budding relationship that I would not download them again, and didn't. He still has scruff on his I pad, but says he never uses it anymore (I have no reason to not believe this)

    So... am I wasting my time with this guy? He has a lot of loaded issues (best friend of 14 years passing away, Getting a DUI a few weeks later, losing his job the month after that) that have recently affected the person he is as well as the failed relationships in the past... but this is now affecting me and my self esteem. Should I rather reapply my apps and continue to see what's available?

    I'm torn because I really like this guy, I want it to work out, but it's starting to really destroy the person I was discovering.
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    May 06, 2013 7:20 PM GMT
    Give him time to fix his life right now he's just in the eye of the storm of all the things that are going on. He's is probably a bit cut off due to these.
    Emotionally - friend dies
    Physical -DUI
    And a Job loss.
    Its going to take some time for him to heal from all these things that have been going thur his life.
    So I say stay with him as a friend for now and when things start to get better...then see how it goes from there.
    Good Luck and stay strong!
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    May 06, 2013 7:24 PM GMT
    Either he's struggling with his personal issues or he's dropping hints that he's no longer interested. Might be better if you discussed this with him further.
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    May 06, 2013 7:27 PM GMT
    If he's that closed off, I doubt it's because of his more recent issues. Problems like that tend to be rooted much further in the past. The question is do you have any realistic hope that things will improve between the two of you? If not, then you may have no choice but to move on to someone else. You can't force someone to change.
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    May 06, 2013 7:28 PM GMT
    xrichx saidEither he's struggling with his personal issues or he's dropping hints that he's no longer interested. Might be better if you discussed this with him further.


    I have thought the latter a few times, and I've brought it to his attention. He has stated many times this is not the case; that he does still like me, but just isn't sure he can 'be the guy I need'.

    The most recent conversation came when he broke down about his best friend passing, I held him during that, but shortly after, the conversation turned into being about us...

    My only response was 'So you're willing to let me go, let me walk out this door because you refuse to, or can't let go of your past relationships and how they treated you?'

    He restated just how much he 'likes' me.
  • gwuinsf

    Posts: 525

    May 06, 2013 7:28 PM GMT
    It doesn't sound to me like you've done everything you can to try and fix the relationship. I think you need to be having this conversation with the guy. It sounds like you fundamentally have communication issues.

    If that's how he feels about the relationship and relationships in generally, fine OK. But you need to tell him how that makes you feel. And that you feel like you are starting to waste your time. That you don't want to be frat brothers. You need to put it all out on the table before you walk away.

    Your question here isn't should you download Grindr. Your asking if you should walk away from this relationship and I'm not sure you have done everything you can to resolve it first.
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    May 06, 2013 7:30 PM GMT
    DudeInNOVA saidIf he's that closed off, I doubt it's because of his more recent issues. Problems like that tend to be rooted much further in the past. The question is do you have any realistic hope that things will improve between the two of you? If not, then you may have no choice but to move on to someone else. You can't force someone to change.


    This is what my friends have said to... My temptation to reactivate my accounts comes from the idea that it may help to lesson my anxiety during the week when I can't see 'my guy'... but my fear is that it will open a whole new can of worms.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    May 06, 2013 7:30 PM GMT
    dude, u need to straight up ask him and be direct.

    U really do.
    Don't be clingy and needy, but just express to him how u feel and what u want out of this non-labeled relationship. It's only been 2 months so dont worry about labeling it yet. Don't call him ur boyfriend or anything like that. It's annoying.

    But tell him how you're feeling, in a non-confrontational, adult manner. Like 2 adults, yall need to express to eachother what yallz need. He may not be interested in a relationship or isn't ready for one....and if he's not he needs to flat out tell you, so u can adjust your feelings accordingly. Just have a conversation with him. Tell him what you're thinking.

    Do u wanna be with this guy? Then ask. See what he says. Sometimes, u just gotta wait it out. relationships are all about timing as well as chemistry.
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    May 06, 2013 7:32 PM GMT
    SolvableMystery saidThis is what my friends have said to... My temptation to reactivate my accounts comes from the idea that it may help to lesson my anxiety during the week when I can't see 'my guy'... but my fear is that it will open a whole new can of worms.

    Why would downloading hookups apps lesson your anxiety? If anything, they will make matters much more complicated. You owe it to him and to yourself to resolve your relationship on way or another before you move onto other potential candidates.
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    May 06, 2013 7:32 PM GMT
    gwuinsf saidIt doesn't sound to me like you've done everything you can to try and fix the relationship. I think you need to be having this conversation with the guy. It sounds like you fundamentally have communication issues.

    If that's how he feels about the relationship and relationships in generally, fine OK. But you need to tell him how that makes you feel. And that you feel like you are starting to waste your time. That you don't want to be frat brothers. You need to put it all out on the table before you walk away.

    Your question here isn't should you download Grindr. Your asking if you should walk away from this relationship and I'm not sure you have done everything you can to resolve it first.


    I wouldn't be 'walking away' persay. I would simply be using these apps as an outlet to perhaps reopen the idea that maybe I am in fact just wasting my time.
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    May 06, 2013 7:35 PM GMT
    Import saiddude, u need to straight up ask him and be direct.

    U really do.
    Don't be clingy and needy, but just express to him how u feel and what u want out of this non-labeled relationship. It's only been 2 months so dont worry about labeling it yet. Don't call him ur boyfriend or anything like that. It's annoying.

    But tell him how you're feeling, in a non-confrontational, adult manner. Like 2 adults, yall need to express to eachother what yallz need. He may not be interested in a relationship or isn't ready for one....and if he's not he needs to flat out tell you, so u can adjust your feelings accordingly. Just have a conversation with him. Tell him what you're thinking.

    Do u wanna be with this guy? Then ask. See what he says. Sometimes, u just gotta wait it out. relationships are all about timing as well as chemistry.


    Your response seems to hit the nail on the head. I'm not so upset about the 'non-labeling' of the relationship, because he does call me his 'boy' and his friends are constantly introducing me as his 'boyfriend', to which he does no correct. But the issues that plague our relationship are starting to put me in a position to feel like I'm not what he's looking for when I've continued to 'throw myself' at him in ways that are starting to leave me feeling 'pathetic'.

    I have asked him before... 'what are we' and to that he has answered 'let's not worry about that right now, let's just chill and see where things go.'

    My anxiety stems from him being 'collected and guarded' emotionally. He's extremely hard to read 60% of the time we are together.
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    May 06, 2013 7:40 PM GMT
    You need to give him the soace he needs but not sit and wait for him. You need to go on with your life and see what is out there for you. One word that really stuck out in all your posts and that is the word "like." And not that the word love is appropriate but like is a word usually reserved for friends. And maybe that is what he needs now more than anything.

    My two cents.

    Ps. Loss of job may make him feel like less of a man and embarassed.
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    May 06, 2013 7:44 PM GMT
    He's just not that into you. icon_cry.gif

    All I see is your making excuses for his treating you like crap. Dump the motherfucker already and get on with your life.

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    May 06, 2013 7:45 PM GMT
    dudewithabeard saidYou need to give him the soace he needs but not sit and wait for him. You need to go on with your life and see what is out there for you. One word that really stuck out in all your posts and that is the word "like." And not that the word love is appropriate but like is a word usually reserved for friends. And maybe that is what he needs now more than anything.

    My two cents.

    Ps. Loss of job may make him feel like less of a man and embarassed.


    I agree with you, but I do feel a stronger connection to him than just 'friends'; love is too far a stretch but I do care about him.

    He has since found a new job and is eager to get things started with it.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 06, 2013 7:49 PM GMT
    There is only one way to resolve this issue .... show up on his doorstep with suitcase in hand and move in icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 06, 2013 8:34 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidThere is only one way to resolve this issue .... show up on his doorstep with suitcase in hand and move in icon_biggrin.gif


    Ha... yeah; no way, been there done that with my last guy. It's what brought me to Chicago. I know moving slow is key to any solid relationship, but damn I never thought i'd be this hard to 'read' whether or not someone appreciates me.
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    May 06, 2013 9:10 PM GMT
    SolvableMystery said
    AMoonHawk saidThere is only one way to resolve this issue .... show up on his doorstep with suitcase in hand and move in icon_biggrin.gif


    Ha... yeah; no way, been there done that with my last guy. It's what brought me to Chicago. I know moving slow is key to any solid relationship, but damn I never thought i'd be this hard to 'read' whether or not someone appreciates me.


    When I was younger I also thought sometimes it was hard to read whether someone was interested in me. Without exception, I was only fooling myself. I know it can be hard to believe, but sometimes we meet people who don't think we are the sun and the moon and the stars. icon_smile.gif When someone is into you, you will know it.

    There is a book called "He's just not that into you". This is a classic case, as is your behavior making excuses for him to save face - we all tend to do that. You can find it on Amazon if you are interested; it's a fun light read anyway.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 06, 2013 9:41 PM GMT
    i guess it depends on what you used them for before? was it to find a partner? just a hookup? friends?

    likewise, if you are feeling under appreciated, then just tell him that. if he's hard to read, then really just ask him what's going on?
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    May 06, 2013 10:21 PM GMT
    willular said...if he's hard to read, then really just ask him what's going on?



    ...as if that ever worked. icon_biggrin.gif He'll either agree to something he doesn't want just to get you to shut up, or just prevaricate. Either way just postpones the problem.
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    May 07, 2013 2:39 AM GMT
    seekonk said
    willular said...if he's hard to read, then really just ask him what's going on?



    ...as if that ever worked. icon_biggrin.gif He'll either agree to something he doesn't want just to get you to shut up, or just prevaricate. Either way just postpones the problem.


    We've had conversations before, to which he says I'm reading to much into it. perhaps I am, but at the end of it, I still come out feeling like I'm not satisfied.
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    May 07, 2013 2:47 AM GMT
    I'd say if the relationship is working, you'd have no desire to go on those apps anyways (assuming you got to be distracted enough and spend time with him). I'd be more concerned with the fact that you haven't had sex in 2 months.
  • IsrealiBoy

    Posts: 165

    May 07, 2013 4:43 AM GMT
    Don't give up on the relationship. Things aren't always perfect and sometimes you need to put in a lot but eventually the outcome will be worth the trouble.
  • str8hardbody9

    Posts: 1519

    May 07, 2013 4:54 AM GMT
    seekonk saidHe's just not that into you. icon_cry.gif

    All I see is your making excuses for his treating you like crap. Dump the motherfucker already and get on with your life.



    I totally agree. You have to move on!
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    May 07, 2013 1:25 PM GMT
    SolvableMystery saidHere I pose an interesting 'relationship' question.

    About two month ago I met this very charming man who seemed to have everything I needed. We met and sparks started flying, this was the first guy I had actually met in the last 10 months I was interested in for more than his looks.

    One thing lead to another and we continue to spend our weekends together. Fast forward the two months and I'm left feeling a bit under appreciated and frustrated, mostly because he's a VERY hard read. He'll say things one minute that make me swoon... but then not respond to texts or phone calls the next...

    He's been hurt in the past which leaves him unwilling to be open, romantic, and go out of his way to make me feel special, because it's 'fake and unrealistic (his words). If I were to describe our relationship, which he refuses to label, I'd say we are 'frat brothers' who simply love cuddling, hanging out, and occasionally getting down and dirty (fooling around - no sex so far)

    I needed a new phone about a month ago. I decided out of respect for the new budding relationship that I would not download them again, and didn't. He still has scruff on his I pad, but says he never uses it anymore (I have no reason to not believe this)

    So... am I wasting my time with this guy? He has a lot of loaded issues (best friend of 14 years passing away, Getting a DUI a few weeks later, losing his job the month after that) that have recently affected the person he is as well as the failed relationships in the past... but this is now affecting me and my self esteem. Should I rather reapply my apps and continue to see what's available?

    I'm torn because I really like this guy, I want it to work out, but it's starting to really destroy the person I was discovering.


    Let him read this post. Seriously.
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    May 07, 2013 1:35 PM GMT
    I have asked him before... 'what are we' and to that he has answered 'let's not worry about that right now, let's just chill and see where things go.'


    After two months it sounds like he has a more healthy attitude towards your relationship than you do. Clearly he likes what he knows about you, but if you keep cornering him with "let's talk about us" stuff, he's gonna bolt. Put the china catalogues away and enjoy getting to know each other. What's the rush? Why do you have to know in the next ten minutes if he's your lifelong soul-mate or not?

    The nesting instinct is strong with this one. Know this about yourself, and check it. You alluded to changing cities for the last guy in your life... how long did you know each other before you did that?