Attraction versus Intense Attraction - how important?

  • muscsportsguy

    Posts: 133

    May 06, 2013 8:02 PM GMT
    Hoping for some advice here...

    I've been seeing this guy for almost two months and it's moving very slowly (my choice and he's been incredibly patient with me, which is awesome). He's great...we share interests, values, etc. I like spending time with him. I've met some of his family. He treats me incredibly well. He's made no secret about the fact that he's really into me. It's all great.

    He's fit, good looking, etc. Not exactly "my type" on paper, but definitely attractive and cares about staying in shape. But...I don't want to rip his clothes off, throw him on the bed, and have sex all night with him. I more want to make out and cuddle with him, and can see him being a great husband and father to our future kids. Ha!

    On the other hand, there's a guy I've seen a few times who lives in another city (where I travel often for work). We also have a lot of the same interests, he's a good guy, smart guy, etc. Have gone on a few casual dates that all ended in super hot intense sex. But...this guy is totally unavailable. He's not out to most of the important people in his life, different city, etc.

    To be clear, I don't want to date the second guy - I've moved on. But it's a reminder that sometimes that "animal attraction" is there and sometimes it's not.

    My question: how important do you think that intense physical attraction is if the ultimate goal is a long-term, monogamous (i.e., not open...at all) relationship?

    All thoughts welcome, and thanks!
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 07, 2013 2:12 AM GMT
    i'm not really attracted to animals
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    May 07, 2013 2:17 AM GMT
    Dude, your title was very misleading. I've been avoiding clicking on your thread because I thought it was gonna be animals.

    Anyway, I think both are important. You don't want purr lust, and you don't want pure commitment/security. Sure you'll survive with or the other, but you want both existing.

    EDIT: The OP has now changed the title of the thread.
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    May 07, 2013 2:23 AM GMT
    This is happening to me right now too. I met a great guy, and there's kissing chemistry but it kinda stops there. I would say we aren't very sexually compatible. He claims he's a top but I sense he's more of a bottom. I need a full on take charge top damn it!
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    May 07, 2013 2:28 AM GMT
    I'm going to get flamed for this... So be it.
    I think it's important. I think it's very important. I don't think it's enough. You have to have authentic common interests, character, integrity, kindness and a shared value system.
    That said, there's ALWAYS someone hotter and sexier. Always. And animal attraction fades. It doesn't vanish but it gets 'familiar' and another 'unknown' less familiar animal can seem more attractive at first when in fact they're just 'fresh'.
    So to know whether you would ever want to pick up the first guy and toss him up against the headboard you need to dump mr inaccessible and clear the decks to test Mr Almost Right all on his own.
    But hear this: if when you cuddle and kiss your dick doesn't get hard and some part of you doesn't want to pounce and pound ... Be kind and cut him loose. Don't lead him on.
    Attraction is important. And if you are crazy about the toppings but the ice cream underneath isn't your flavor of choice - then no topping can cure that craving. It's unfair to both of you to settle.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 07, 2013 2:32 AM GMT
    S34n05 saidThis is happening to me right now too. I met a great guy, and there's kissing chemistry but it kinda stops there. I would say we aren't very sexually compatible. He claims he's a top but I sense he's more of a bottom. I need a full on take charge top damn it!


    lazy bottom

    tumblr_m7njd1XCmn1r85eb7o1_500.gif
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    May 07, 2013 2:44 AM GMT
    i will look for companionship as i will get feeble, until then, give me some butterflies in my stomach at a cost of almost unbearable loneliness sometimes. but, i know of a million examples when people are happily and blissfully engaged in friendship based-relationships. just check out all the open relationships out there (those that allow polyamory of course, otherwise it's just friends with minimal benefits....).
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    May 07, 2013 2:50 AM GMT
    calibro said
    S34n05 saidThis is happening to me right now too. I met a great guy, and there's kissing chemistry but it kinda stops there. I would say we aren't very sexually compatible. He claims he's a top but I sense he's more of a bottom. I need a full on take charge top damn it!


    lazy bottom



    Perhaps, but a lazy bottom and lazy top do not work icon_lol.gif .
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    May 07, 2013 6:57 AM GMT
    MuscleComeBack saidBut hear this: if when you cuddle and kiss your dick doesn't get hard and some part of you doesn't want to pounce and pound ... Be kind and cut him loose. Don't lead him on.
    Attraction is important. And if you are crazy about the toppings but the ice cream underneath isn't your flavor of choice - then no topping can cure that craving. It's unfair to both of you to settle.

    I agree. Yep, you were given 2 heads. Use both of them to find the right man.
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    May 07, 2013 7:05 AM GMT
    DUDE! I don't know I think it depend on what you want at this moment do you like the prospect of a long tern relationship with guy 1 or do you want to feed your lust with guy 2. I kind of feel sorry for guy 1.
  • Montague

    Posts: 5205

    May 07, 2013 7:36 AM GMT
    S34n05 said
    calibro said
    S34n05 saidThis is happening to me right now too. I met a great guy, and there's kissing chemistry but it kinda stops there. I would say we aren't very sexually compatible. He claims he's a top but I sense he's more of a bottom. I need a full on take charge top damn it!


    lazy bottom



    Perhaps, but a lazy bottom and lazy top do not work icon_lol.gif .


    a lazy anything won't be kept around long in the bedroom!
  • muscsportsguy

    Posts: 133

    May 07, 2013 4:44 PM GMT
    aidenMaximus saidDude, your title was very misleading. I've been avoiding clicking on your thread because I thought it was gonna be animals.

    Anyway, I think both are important. You don't want purr lust, and you don't want pure commitment/security. Sure you'll survive with or the other, but you want both existing.


    Didn't really catch where that might be a strange title. Fixed it. Thanks.
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    May 07, 2013 6:00 PM GMT
    Wow - this is tough one 'cause it's a situation I deal with often on one level or another. Having tasted true passion after not for many years has made me re-consider how important that might be. But I also understand that it can and does often fade... icon_neutral.gif

    The last guy I really dated let me go when I confronted him (we were very cuddly but he'd not been as aggressive in other ways for a while.. so I had to ask him). I was honestly very upset/disappointed. We connected/had fun in soooo many cool ways. icon_sad.gif

    But I think we really deserve a balance of both - and I've def had that before... and at this point I'm not willing to settle. Life's not always so simple but I think we gotta trust our instincts in both of our heads.

    Try to think about people the way you think about other things your passionate about - music, art, cars, etc. Would you rather have a painting that inspires you everytime you see it... and makes you proud to have... or one that had great stats as an investment that you keep in a warehouse accruing interest. They both have value, but I'd rather have the one that inspires me. Same as my synths/studio equipment.

    I find most Moog gear dull, overpriced, and way overhyped(!!) - many people worship them, but I don't give a shit. For the same money I'd much rather have a BugBrand modular or an Elektron Octatrack... 'cause I KNOW I'll want to play with them over and over and over again... 'til 4am every night 'til my ears bleed...
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    May 08, 2013 6:27 PM GMT
    manny2 saidDUDE! I don't know I think it depend on what you want at this moment do you like the prospect of a long tern relationship with guy 1 or do you want to feed your lust with guy 2. I kind of feel sorry for guy 1.


    I do too especially when guy 1 has spent a lot of energy to get to know the OP, but I agree with musclecomeback that the OP needs to let go of guy 1 if in fact he's not Mr. Right.
  • muscsportsguy

    Posts: 133

    May 08, 2013 6:38 PM GMT
    Erik101 said
    manny2 saidDUDE! I don't know I think it depend on what you want at this moment do you like the prospect of a long tern relationship with guy 1 or do you want to feed your lust with guy 2. I kind of feel sorry for guy 1.


    I do too especially when guy 1 has spent a lot of energy to get to know the OP, but I agree with musclecomeback that the OP needs to let go of guy 1 if in fact he's not Mr. Right.


    I'm not sure where you guys are getting this from what I posted. I've been 100% honest with him about where I'm at with my feelings and he's made up his own mind to be patient with me. He's also expressed that he wants to take things slowly, too. So maybe that's important info.

    And btw, I've spent a lot of energy getting to know him, too. And I really like him. And I find him attractive.

    I'm all for advice, but bashing me when you don't have the full facts just seems pretty lame. The question was about attraction versus intense attraction. None of what I said should indicate that I'm somehow leading him on or not being honest or don't like him. Because that's not the case.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    May 08, 2013 7:13 PM GMT
    Familiarity breeds contempt.

    *shrug*

    I've learned that one of the easiest ways to get a guy who's drifted away into you again is to get a boyfriend who is not him. I think what we really need to be asking ourselves is why is it that so many of us only find unavailable men sexually attractive.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 08, 2013 9:15 PM GMT
    It depends on how intense it is. It's important in the beginning stage to get me interested and sleep with him. If he's has nothing upstairs, that's more like a turn off. If he's cute, smart and has goals/ambitions, that's awesome and I do see a long term potential. icon_biggrin.gif