Hosting a guest who plans on cheating

  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    May 10, 2013 1:07 PM GMT
    Hi guys. I need some advice.

    I have been a Couchsurfing host for about 10 years. I've had great experiences with every guest. Some included some playing around but most were on the up and up.

    A guy wrote to me about two weeks ago asking if he could have an extended stay and was willing to pay for it. He has an internship here and is looking for affordable accommodation for two months. After a few emails and a phone call, I agreed to it and to the rent he'll pay for his time here.

    My profile is very clear. I'm gay and I'm a nudist. I put that out there so there are no surprises. He said that one reason he was asking me was because he wants to experience the nudist lifestyle and looked forward to that.

    Then the emails turned a bit more sexual and after a few more of those I started liking the guy, thinking this will be a nice summer. But then he disclosed that his boyfriend of two years will come for 10 days for his birthday and their anniversary.

    He was very clear that he looks forward to playing around while he's here and that what the BF doesn't know won't hurt him.

    I'm now wondering what to do. I've been cheated on so I know the feeling and trying to figure out whether to say something now before he arrives or leave it until he arrives and just not allowing contact. OR cancelling it altogether.

    Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.
  • CityofDreams

    Posts: 1173

    May 10, 2013 1:11 PM GMT
    Don't host him.
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    May 10, 2013 1:19 PM GMT
    CityofDreams saidDon't host him.


    I guess you think this will turn out bad?
  • CityofDreams

    Posts: 1173

    May 10, 2013 1:27 PM GMT
    He is willing to cheat + You obviously think he is attractive + He will be in your home for 2 months, lots of time for things to unfold = Trouble

    Save yourself the agony and move on. You said it yourself, you have been cheated on by past boyfriends, so don't cross the fence and be the "other" guy.
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    May 10, 2013 1:42 PM GMT
    CityofDreams saidHe is willing to cheat + You obviously think he is attractive + He will be in your home for 2 months, lots of time for things to unfold = Trouble

    Save yourself the agony and move on. You said it yourself, you have been cheated on by past boyfriends, so don't cross the fence and be the "other" guy.

    This
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    May 10, 2013 1:51 PM GMT
    If he is cheating on his BF with you, well, you know how that feels! If he is cheating on his BF with others and not you, that's his problem.

    Will the cheating take place in your residence or outside of it? That's a factor you want to consider.
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    May 10, 2013 1:59 PM GMT
    Would have been best to discuss his relationship status before you agreed to host.
    I'm sure part of you wants to go ahead with it, and what ever happens. Hey, I'm being honest - you're probably horny for him now.
    I'm also sure part of you does not want to be a part of a situation that means one guy is cheating on his partner - since he thinks what the BF doesn't know won't hurt him - I'll assume that they don't have an open arrangement.

    You know what it's like to be cheated on. If you go through with it, you'll most likely be feeling guilty about it. You need to let him know now that you're conflicted about the arrangement. If you wait until he arrives it's just gonna be awkward. It's going to be more difficult to resist temptation once he's there, especially if you're going around naked and you're attracted to him.
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    May 10, 2013 2:11 PM GMT
    It would be cheating with me and he said right up front that he looked forward to the first week here. His BF comes the second week of his stay for 10 days. He claims he's never cheated but he has dated two guys at one time. He's said things like not telling his BF all the details of his stay here - "what he doesn't know, won't hurt him". He was clear almost from the get go that he was looking forward to cuddling, kissing, playing around. Then he mentions the BF!

    Anyway, I just wrote to him suggesting that he find other accommodation. That I'm not comfortable with cheating and being THAT guy.
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    May 10, 2013 2:34 PM GMT
    jayatl56 saidIt would be cheating with me and he said right up front that he looked forward to the first week here. His BF comes the second week of his stay for 10 days. He claims he's never cheated but he has dated two guys at one time. He's said things like not telling his BF all the details of his stay here - "what he doesn't know, won't hurt him". He was clear almost from the get go that he was looking forward to cuddling, kissing, playing around. Then he mentions the BF!

    Anyway, I just wrote to him suggesting that he find other accommodation. That I'm not comfortable with cheating and being THAT guy.


    lol good for you.
    Premeditated cheating is pretty despicable, and he wanted you in the plot, which also meant you'd have to put up a phony front when the BF arrived, and you'd have to maintain the lie for the entire 10 days. And you'd have to watch the BF be trusting and happy and fooled.

    Yikes!
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    May 10, 2013 2:38 PM GMT
    jayatl56 saidIt would be cheating with me and he said right up front that he looked forward to the first week here. His BF comes the second week of his stay for 10 days. He claims he's never cheated but he has dated two guys at one time. He's said things like not telling his BF all the details of his stay here - "what he doesn't know, won't hurt him". He was clear almost from the get go that he was looking forward to cuddling, kissing, playing around. Then he mentions the BF!

    Anyway, I just wrote to him suggesting that he find other accommodation. That I'm not comfortable with cheating and being THAT guy.

    Good for you, you are a man of integrity and noblity.
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    May 10, 2013 3:07 PM GMT
    omg
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 10, 2013 3:14 PM GMT
    I'd cancel it, who knows what issues might come from this "cheating drama".

    You can watch "cheating" on TV, keep your life drama-free.
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    May 10, 2013 3:16 PM GMT
    [quote]

    lol good for you.
    Premeditated cheating is pretty despicable, and he wanted you in the plot, which also meant you'd have to put up a phony front when the BF arrived, and you'd have to maintain the lie for the entire 10 days. And you'd have to watch the BF be trusting and happy and fooled.

    Yikes![/quote]

    Some guys can have a summer time fling and not think twice about it. I'm not wired that way. I know how I am and I know I'll find myself falling for him romantically. I sense that NOW and we haven't even met yet. Then he leaves, goes back to the BF and I'm here hurt. Not a good idea getting into this situation.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    May 10, 2013 3:24 PM GMT
    Add a condition to being able to stay with the things that have happened: he must make it an open relationship with the boyfriend before arriving.

    There you go, guilt free.

    edit: what you did is respectable and a much better thing than I would have done.
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    May 10, 2013 3:30 PM GMT
    stratavos saidAdd a condition to being able to stay with the things that have happened: he must make it an open relationship with the boyfriend before arriving.

    There you go, guilt free.

    edit: what you did is respectable and a much better thing than I would have done.


    Thanks. It's not over yet. I'm sure I'll get an email telling me that everything will be ok, etc etc. or that he can't find accommodation at such short notice. I'll have to deal with it as it happens, I guess and one thing I can say is that he needs full disclosure with his BF. He's already told him that I'm gay and a nudist so the BF HAS to think something might happen. I also thought that with the BF visiting it might end up as a three way as he also mentioned that he has a thing about being watched having sex. I thought that was a bit TMI.
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    May 10, 2013 3:40 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    jayatl56 saidIt would be cheating with me and he said right up front that he looked forward to the first week here. His BF comes the second week of his stay for 10 days. He claims he's never cheated but he has dated two guys at one time. He's said things like not telling his BF all the details of his stay here - "what he doesn't know, won't hurt him". He was clear almost from the get go that he was looking forward to cuddling, kissing, playing around. Then he mentions the BF!

    Anyway, I just wrote to him suggesting that he find other accommodation. That I'm not comfortable with cheating and being THAT guy.


    lol good for you.
    Premeditated cheating is pretty despicable, and he wanted you in the plot, which also meant you'd have to put up a phony front when the BF arrived, and you'd have to maintain the lie for the entire 10 days. And you'd have to watch the BF be trusting and happy and fooled.

    Yikes!


    +2
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    May 10, 2013 5:39 PM GMT
    jayatl56 said
    stratavos saidAdd a condition to being able to stay with the things that have happened: he must make it an open relationship with the boyfriend before arriving.

    There you go, guilt free.

    edit: what you did is respectable and a much better thing than I would have done.


    Thanks. It's not over yet. I'm sure I'll get an email telling me that everything will be ok, etc etc. or that he can't find accommodation at such short notice. I'll have to deal with it as it happens, I guess and one thing I can say is that he needs full disclosure with his BF. He's already told him that I'm gay and a nudist so the BF HAS to think something might happen. I also thought that with the BF visiting it might end up as a three way as he also mentioned that he has a thing about being watched having sex. I thought that was a bit TMI.

    I trust you'll update this as the emails continue. lol This is great! So what are you planning to do if he says he's told his BF and he wants to join in for ten days?
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    May 10, 2013 5:42 PM GMT
    bro, i do not see the problem. he has a bf of 10 years. once he said that the answer should be easy. hell no, i wouldn't even allow him to stay at my place because i am sure i would be tempted. but you are a grown man you can make your own decision
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    May 10, 2013 5:57 PM GMT
    jayatl56 said[quote]

    lol good for you.
    Premeditated cheating is pretty despicable, and he wanted you in the plot, which also meant you'd have to put up a phony front when the BF arrived, and you'd have to maintain the lie for the entire 10 days. And you'd have to watch the BF be trusting and happy and fooled.

    Yikes!


    Some guys can have a summer time fling and not think twice about it. I'm not wired that way. I know how I am and I know I'll find myself falling for him romantically. I sense that NOW and we haven't even met yet. Then he leaves, goes back to the BF and I'm here hurt. Not a good idea getting into this situation.[/quote]

    HAHAHA! You had me fooled. I thought you were a man of integrity but it's really all about you and how you might get hurt and not how you would be complicit in damaging a relationship and possibly hurting an innocent party. All this after stating that you know what it feels like to be cheated on! You're despicable.
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    May 10, 2013 6:01 PM GMT
    Let him know flat-out you will not have sex with him knowing he has a bf. Then, let him decide.

  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    May 10, 2013 6:24 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    jayatl56 said[quote]

    lol good for you.
    Premeditated cheating is pretty despicable, and he wanted you in the plot, which also meant you'd have to put up a phony front when the BF arrived, and you'd have to maintain the lie for the entire 10 days. And you'd have to watch the BF be trusting and happy and fooled.

    Yikes!


    Some guys can have a summer time fling and not think twice about it. I'm not wired that way. I know how I am and I know I'll find myself falling for him romantically. I sense that NOW and we haven't even met yet. Then he leaves, goes back to the BF and I'm here hurt. Not a good idea getting into this situation.


    HAHAHA! You had me fooled. I thought you were a man of integrity but it's really all about you and how you might get hurt and not how you would be complicit in damaging a relationship and possibly hurting an innocent party. All this after stating that you know what it feels like to be cheated on! You're despicable.[/quote]

    I think you got that wrong. It was just thinking out loud of what might happen if I allow it to go on. This whole scenario was me keeping in mind that there is a boyfriend and how I know how felt when I was cheated on. I only said that I know that some guys can go ahead with it and not feel remorse and that I'm not wired that way. I would be complicit and I would feel guilty and yes, I would also be hurt when it was over.
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    May 10, 2013 7:35 PM GMT
    His reply:

    Hi xxxx,

    I'm sorry for making you feel uneasy. I really am. Considering that I am currently out of the country, finding another place to live is close to impossible. Can we go back to square one or dial it down a bit and just decide to be friends for now? I know we may have talked about topics that we shouldn't talk about, but I do think that we could still be good friends. I hope you reconsider because it would be a shame to throw away what we have built over the course of the last few days.

    Please, I promise not to hurt anybody. Give me a chance to set things straight and be 100% honest with both you and my guy.


  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    May 10, 2013 8:04 PM GMT
    Actually, OP, I am having a bit of trouble with this. If you are uncomfortable with the man and his propositions, then toss him. On the other hand, it is a self-limiting thing if he is only going to be around for two months. I tend to think that his 'cheating' on his boyfriend may be an established thing and none of your concern. You can always let him stay and do his own thing. If you want to be involved in it, fine. If not, fine. You have no real way of knowing what is going on. He may not even have a boyfriend, but simply someong who is role-playing one. He may or may not be who he says he is. You are in the business of renting space, not analyzing entangled alliances. Aren't you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2013 8:55 PM GMT
    jayatl56 saidHis reply:

    Hi xxxx,

    I'm sorry for making you feel uneasy. I really am. Considering that I am currently out of the country, finding another place to live is close to impossible. Can we go back to square one or dial it down a bit and just decide to be friends for now? I know we may have talked about topics that we shouldn't talk about, but I do think that we could still be good friends. I hope you reconsider because it would be a shame to throw away what we have built over the course of the last few days.

    Please, I promise not to hurt anybody. Give me a chance to set things straight and be 100% honest with both you and my guy.




    He sounds contrite and I like the general tone of his letter here to you. I'd take a second look and consider renting to him, based on this new information.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    May 10, 2013 9:01 PM GMT
    I agree. Sometimes it is easy to get carried away online. Fantasy never hurt anyone. We all have our fantasy lives. It doesn't mean you could or would ever act on them.