Sick of Being Single

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2013 5:22 PM GMT
    I don't know about all of you out there in the world but I'm kinda sick of being single. I am attractive, smart, and I am happy with my life, but dammit I am certainly sick of being single. And there seems to be no one either of interest or interested in my town. It kinda sucks. I've thought about doing a bit of a long distance thing but that just seems tricky. IDK, am I the only one who feels this way.
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    May 10, 2013 6:03 PM GMT
    You are not the only one feeling that way.
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    May 10, 2013 8:43 PM GMT
    I don't think age should really matter though. I don't see how 21 means that I have to be single. Relationships are more about maturity and hard work than age.
  • psycsnacha

    Posts: 161

    May 11, 2013 10:51 PM GMT
    Depends where you live. If in the country, then it's a matter of patience. If you live in a decent sized city, then, you have to put yourself out there and find your guy. They are there. You have to be active though.
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    May 12, 2013 2:00 AM GMT
    Better yourself. No one wants to date a bozo. Plus, if you live in a small town or unfriendly small city, move.
    See how simple that was?
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    May 12, 2013 2:27 AM GMT
    70% of gay men are single. Most straight guys would be single if they could. I believe a great deal of suffering could be spared if only we didn't see LTRs as commodities that only losers are unable to achieve. Finding someone with a compatible personality can be exceedingly hard even when all physical attraction issues are solved.

    By the way, if it's any consolation, in your age range (20-29) 90% are single. You'd be better off learning to "dance" in this world of casual sex and pecking order. It will teach you what to avoid and what to treasure. When you're a bit older you will have a very clear idea of what you want, what can you ask for and what do you have to offer -- a key awareness that makes the search for a boyfriend less prone to disappointment.
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    May 12, 2013 2:35 AM GMT
    What Bachian said is SUPERB advice. +10!
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    May 12, 2013 2:45 AM GMT
    If you think being single is hard, try living with someone you don't enjoy living with.
  • psycsnacha

    Posts: 161

    May 12, 2013 2:46 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidIf you think being single is hard, try living with someone you don't enjoy living with.


    lol
  • psycsnacha

    Posts: 161

    May 12, 2013 2:50 AM GMT
    bachian said70% of gay men are single. Most straight guys would be single if they could. I believe a great deal of suffering could be spared if only we didn't see LTRs as commodities that only losers are unable to achieve. Finding someone with a compatible personality can be exceedingly hard even when all physical attraction issues are solved.

    By the way, if it's any consolation, in your age range (20-29) 90% are single. You'd be better off learning to "dance" in this world of casual sex and pecking order. It will teach you what to avoid and what to treasure. When you're a bit older you will have a very clear idea of what you want, what can you ask for and what do you have to offer -- a key awareness that makes the search for a boyfriend less prone to disappointment.


    True. Doing the dance for too long also makes you jaded, maladaptive, and non-malleable. Most (homo and hetero) are single for macro forces within our society that I don't think are well understood. I agree that forcing a LTR for the sake of crutching an identity is a mistake and leads to the ego wars that erode LTRs, however I wonder if the high rate of singles within the gay community is due to prolonged, unresolved self esteem issues.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    May 12, 2013 2:53 AM GMT
    You're certainly not alone. Fresno, however, is a pretty small pond as you obviously know so chances are you're going to have to find some other ponds to fish in.

    I'd like to make a couple suggestions. First of all, Pacific Center is an LGBT organization in Berkeley that has peer-facilitated meetings on a more or less regular basis. Check out their Events page, and note the May 16th "8:00 PM - Express 20's Peer Support Group" in the side bar. If you click on that it will reveal info about the group. I understand this is kind of a long drive for you and you might not be able to do it as soon as the 16th. However, if it looks at all interesting, I suggest you contact the facilitator via email and see whether or not it is an on-going, drop in group. If so, you could plan to go sometime just to check it out. A very *LONG* time ago I was a volunteer peer-counselor at PC.

    Another organization you might find interesting is The Discovery Community. This community organizes three-day weekend retreats for gay men. I haven't been to one in a very long time, however, assuming not much has changed, they're generally interesting and fun experiences. The focus is *not* sexual (as, say, some of the Faerie gatherings can tend to be). Rather the focus is on communication skills, community building and meeting and making friends. The costs for the retreats is also fairly reasonable. Historically, Discovery actually grew out of Pacific Center but that's a long story.

    Beyond that, my question is what are you looking for in terms of a relationship? I'm not asking you to answer that here, necessarily, but suggesting you really think about it. How will you know when you've met the right man?

    Years ago (around 1990) when I was a peer-counselor at PC I led a workshop on finding Mr. Right. Over 30 gay men of various ages (mostly 20s) attended. *All* of them were looking for Mr. Right. Since this was a drop in group and only lasted 90 minutes, I asked that each person take 2 minutes to describe what they were looking for in a man and maybe something about their experience looking for him. That took up the first hour of the meeting. When everyone had put in their time more or less I pointed out how strange it was to me that here were 30 gay guys all in the same room, all looking for relationships, and each finding it next to impossible to find what they were looking for. I let the group discuss why this might be in the remaining time.

    I would say what stands out in my mind about that evening is how difficult it is for all of us to let ourselves open up to the real possibility of meeting someone for something more than just sex. We often have a very long list of qualifications for what we *think* we want. And, worse perhaps, all the prospects have their own list! So, dating and figuring out whether or not we match one another's list often takes a lot of time.

    This is one of the reasons I like gay social events as a way of meeting men. This is especially true when, say, 30 or more guys get to spend a long weekend together and really get to know one another.

    Anyway, as others have said, finding the right guy takes both patience and putting yourself out there. I have no doubt that you not only can but eventually will find someone. THEN you get to discover all the joys and tribulations of relationship!
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    May 16, 2013 5:01 AM GMT
    Let me reply to y'all, sorry I hadn't checked my forum posts in a while and I was like damn 12 replies. Well first off whoever said just moving was simple is an idiot because when you have three semesters left to your bachelors degree you cannot just pick up and move. So I'd appreciate that poster to cut that attitude, I'm trying my best to make my situation as fun and happy as possible.

    I also want to make it clear that I am completely unwilling to just date anybody for the sake of having a boyfriend. I don't want my relationship to be an identity I just want to have someone who I like and likes me back and is ok with potentially sharing their life with me. No crutch, no co-dependence, no nonsense.

    And I think getting caught up in this world of hooking up and playing the field is the reason so many gays are single. Whoever posted that hit the nail on the head. It makes people picky, shallow, sex centered, and completely unwilling to conform to the confines of a relationship. It can also lead to some serious self esteem issues and pulls us away from what sex actually is. It's a way to connect emotionally with people. Whether you want to admit it or not sex is a connection, it's not just mindless fucking. THere's oxytocin bonding that occurs that we have no control over and it causes that emotional connection. However, when all you're doing is sleeping around either you are going to become jaded and bored, or your'e going to become overly attached to people who are just looking for a shallow hook up.

    And the last part I want to address is that I'm not just sitting at home at night waiting for prince charming to come around. In fact I work to better myself everyday. I have three more semesters to go until I have my bachelors degree and after that I plan to continue on to graduate school. I run my own personal training business, and I teach group fitness and try my best to make a difference in the lives of others. Mainly so that they can lead happy and healthy lives. I also do my best to be as kind to people as possible, which isn't always easy or possible. I am open to making new friends but refuse to surround myself with bad people.

    I appreciate the comments and the advice and much of it will be taken to heart. I just think some of you don't realize that I'm not just searching for my identity.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1166

    May 16, 2013 5:16 AM GMT
    Olympiclifter1992 saidAnd I think getting caught up in this world of hooking up and playing the field is the reason so many gays are single....when all you're doing is sleeping around either you are going to become jaded and bored...


    Nice penis pictures.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    May 16, 2013 5:22 AM GMT
    oh lord another 2o something crying about being single. jeeze, you guys should start a support group. i mean really it can't be that damn hard to find a guy.
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    May 16, 2013 5:51 AM GMT
    One of his pics has him with two buddies captioned "some of the few hot guys in Fresno". That's why you are single, you look on the surface.
  • GingerOH

    Posts: 159

    May 16, 2013 6:01 AM GMT
    Focus your energy on something productive. This will keep you occupied while you are single. This could be a great time for inward reflection or to do something you've never done before. Think of something you have always wanted to do, that would be complicated by being tied down in a relationship, and go for it. Being single could be an opportunity for an adventure! icon_smile.gif
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    May 17, 2013 8:47 AM GMT
    bachian said70% of gay men are single.

    , in your age range (20-29) 90% are single. .


    please cite your references please -English 101 Teacher
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    May 17, 2013 8:50 AM GMT
    tuffguyndc saidoh lord another 2o something crying about being single. jeeze, you guys should start a support group. i mean really it can't be that damn hard to find a guy.


    are you fucking out of your mind? It's not about finding "A GUY" its about finding a guy who also wants to be in a relationship.
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    May 17, 2013 8:52 AM GMT
    I'm beginning to think the Western Half of the U.S. just isn't conducive to gay relationships. You don't hear people from Florida and New York talking about these things. Exactly why I want to pack up, and get the fuck back to the east coast. Tired of this mother fucking bullshit.
  • nick5792

    Posts: 318

    May 18, 2013 4:22 AM GMT
    I am stuck in your situation! I do hate it, I want that companionship...it gets lonely! I never have even had a boyfriend!

  • May 18, 2013 4:28 AM GMT
    Yea sorry, but try it at 53....then you'll know what really sucks...jus saying
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    May 18, 2013 5:03 AM GMT
    I have never been without someone in my life. I would love some alone time.
  • Drift

    Posts: 217

    May 18, 2013 6:00 AM GMT
    It would be very nice to find one willing to commit. I meet lots of wonderful people, but simply none that have been in a place where they were willing/able to take that further step.
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    May 18, 2013 6:55 AM GMT
    this whole I'm alone/single bit is no longer cute...icon_rolleyes.gif there are many guys on here that are alone for one reason or other just deal with it or do something about it. don't just sit in front of your PC letting the world know how sad you are. You're a good looking guy etc... if you were fat, old, or ugly I would sympathize but you're not so make it work.
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    May 18, 2013 2:10 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]Olympiclifter1992 said[/cite ] And I think getting caught up in this world of hooking up and playing the field is the reason so many gays are single... It makes people picky, shallow, sex centered, and completely unwilling to conform to the confines of a relationship. [/quote]

    Is it possible you don't grasp how true the phrase "confines of a relationship" is?
    Relationships require commitment, compromise, and sacrifice to succeed. If you are in one you will often find yourself doing things you don't want to do and giving up things you do want to do. There is far less "I" time so you have room for more "we" time. You will lose the freedom to go anywhere or see anyone as you see fit.
    Of couse the sacrifices are well worth it once you find the right person. But in the meantime, why not enjoy the opportunity to explore what life has to offer? Personal growth comes only through experience and now is a time in your life when you are in the best position to do that.
    No doubt a relationship will come in due course but don't waste what should be a rich and exciting part of your personal journey.