gay-straight guy friends

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    Oct 24, 2008 10:46 PM GMT
    Here's a little question about gay-straight guy friendships.

    So while the stereotype of gay guys are that we take on these “feminine” mannerisms in dress, act, interests, etc, etc, we're obviously not confined as individuals to these preconceived notions. Do you think that just having the connotation of gay=effeminate hanging around us that it changes how straight guys might act towards us? And if so, does it even matter?
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    Oct 24, 2008 11:14 PM GMT
    no, most straights don't give a shit that i'm gay, they treat me exactly as they treat any one else, all my mates, don't give a damn and I'm not treated any different.. well, they don't talk about screwing a women infront of me otherwise I start talking about screwing a guy... hehe
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    Oct 25, 2008 12:44 AM GMT
    The most effeminate friend I have is straight. And some of the most masculine guys I know are gay.

    Acting all fruity might change the way some straight guys relate to you, and knowing you're gay might change the way some straight guys relate to you. But if you don't act fruity and they have a problem with you being gay, it probably isn't because they think you're going to suddenly start wearing mascara and speaking witha lisp.

    Is that really what you asked?
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    Oct 25, 2008 1:03 AM GMT
    GCoop saidHere's a little question about gay-straight guy friendships.

    So while the stereotype of gay guys are that we take on these “feminine” mannerisms in dress, act, interests, etc, etc, we're obviously not confined as individuals to these preconceived notions. Do you think that just having the connotation of gay=effeminate hanging around us that it changes how straight guys might act towards us? And if so, does it even matter?


    For some yes, but for my family and friends no. Then again I don't have many of the characteristics of a stereotypical gay man, and family are not prone to stereotyping anyways.

    I think the view of gay people as effeminate is changing. I actually have known several straight men who were definitely in touch with their feminine side.
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    Oct 25, 2008 5:09 AM GMT
    Heterosexual guy friends that you can make will most probably won't treat you differently if (a) they met you before you came out (b) they are co-workers or know you from some activity where they're bound to interact with you for long periods of time. But just try to meet a straight guy at a bar, or a party, or (and this is almost impossible) over the Internet. Then, they do treat you differently until you "prove" whatever it is that they need to know (that you're not into them, that you're manly enough, whatever).

    I don't know if this had to do with your question or not, but something related to this whole thing happened to me yesterday and needed to vent icon_cool.gif

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    Oct 25, 2008 9:28 AM GMT
    unwanted sexual attention is the same for all of us, it makes us feel uncomfortable. but if you just behave like mates it's not an issue. i've got loads of straight mates and colleagues and me being a bum bandit simply isn't an issue. especially i find with younger men.
  • Android17

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    Oct 25, 2008 10:05 AM GMT
    I think that it depends of every culture, all my friends are straight, if they knew that i am gay the things will change and that assuming that they still being my friends.

    Sometimes i feel bad with not telling the truth but i guess that the afraid of be alone wins.
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    Oct 25, 2008 1:45 PM GMT
    From my experience I get along much better with straight guys. Most of the gay friendships I've had usually end abruptly when they get pissed off over some petty reason or confess they've had a "crush" on me.

    When I lived in NYC I had allot more gay friends. When I was getting ready to move to Germany it seemed all of them wanted to have sex with me before I moved. It bugged me out in a big way and was very disappointing. I think allot of gay guys have problems with male bonding. Somehow, it's hard for them to be close and platonic.

    Among the few gay friends I have now these issues still exist. I'm always saying "No, we're just friends".
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    Oct 25, 2008 1:49 PM GMT
    I have more straight male friends than gay male friends. It's likely caused more by the circles I socialize in and the people I've come to know over the years through work, other friends, etc. It's not something I've made any conscious choices about.

    That said, Devildog78 makes a good point that many adult gay men, esp those in my generation, seem to have trouble with male to male friendships being normal and appropriate. But then men are MEN and always thinking with their cocks.
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    Oct 25, 2008 2:18 PM GMT
    BrainyBrainyBrainy saidHeterosexual guy friends that you can make will most probably won't treat you differently if (a) they met you before you came out (b) they are co-workers or know you from some activity where they're bound to interact with you for long periods of time. But just try to meet a straight guy at a bar, or a party, or (and this is almost impossible) over the Internet. Then, they do treat you differently until you "prove" whatever it is that they need to know (that you're not into them, that you're manly enough, whatever).

    I don't know if this had to do with your question or not, but something related to this whole thing happened to me yesterday and needed to vent icon_cool.gif

    This is a pretty good assessment, BrainyX3. I can relate to everything there.

    To GCoop, the OP: of course, the long-term stereotypes affect people's attitudes. So, before mass media, the stereotypes were passed on person-to-person. Then they showed up in the movies and on TV. I had been getting pissed at Jay Leno for a few years, because any gay joke he had usually involved someone wearing a dress or something that feminizes gay men. Some popular figures have been giving him bad press about it recently, and he's slowing coming around.
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    Oct 25, 2008 3:23 PM GMT
    Devildog78 saidFrom my experience I get along much better with straight guys.

    I'm the same. My three closest friends are all straight.
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    Oct 25, 2008 3:32 PM GMT
    Global_Citizen said
    I'm the same. My three closest friends are all straight.


    For a couple minutes I thought that said, "My three CLOSET friends are all straight." I was laughing quite hard. Then I re-read it.

    icon_sad.gif
  • ajw18

    Posts: 141

    Oct 25, 2008 3:48 PM GMT
    I was actually just thinking about this last night when I was hanging out with one of my straight guy friends. It is weird that around other people, he is more reserved and puts up more of the tough guy front. But when it is just me and him, we talk about emotions and feelings. Maybe gay guys have a higher EQ (emotion quotient) so straight guys don't need to put up the same pretenses around us?
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    Oct 25, 2008 3:57 PM GMT
    I don't think it matters.
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    Oct 25, 2008 3:57 PM GMT
    I don't think it matters.
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    Oct 25, 2008 4:34 PM GMT
    No, most of my friends are straight. One of my best friends is as straight as they come and we have very open and graphic conversations about pretty much everything and anything including sex. Granted he doesn't care much about details and neither do I!
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    Oct 25, 2008 4:43 PM GMT
    I have a problem all my str8 friends are hot.. and I want to shag with them all.. but I am fittest one. so they get mad because all the ladies check me out before them
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    Oct 26, 2008 4:20 AM GMT
    Pinny said
    Global_Citizen said
    I'm the same. My three closest friends are all straight.


    For a couple minutes I thought that said, "My three CLOSET friends are all straight." I was laughing quite hard. Then I re-read it.

    icon_sad.gif

    Well, I'm told I have an ironic sense of humor. icon_eek.gif
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    Oct 26, 2008 4:53 AM GMT
    Well, in my country it's not ok to be fully open, so I'm not but so far a few of my straight friends know about me (because I told them) and they're ok with it.
    However, I think for some people it really matters who you're with. For example if you go to a bar with 4-5 big, straight looking friends of yours it's one thing. And if you do it with 4-5 girls it's another. I don't know, it's just what I've noticed....
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    Oct 26, 2008 5:38 AM GMT
    Well, I'd say I enjoy my "gay" status with my straight male friends. It gives me the ability to talk about sex, intimacy, and be confrontational with them in a more emotionally engaged way than their other friends. I'm not competitive with them for girls, nor am I wanting to date them, so I come from a place with less agenda in their opinion.
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    Oct 26, 2008 5:48 AM GMT
    This personal story is over 30 years old, intended here to show how far we've come in the US, and where we don't want to return.

    I was back in college for another degree, and one of my professors, a PhD just 2 years older than me, was one of the great femmy homos of all time. The kind I rarely see today, with faggy jewelry, clothing and even makeup, having swishy mannerisms and a slinky way of carrying his tall, slender frame, plus a Truman Capote voice that made people giggle. And the most competent professor I ever knew in a classroom.

    My girlfriend in college struck up a friendship with him, and that was the only way I'd have any contact with him socially, since this was my period of extreme denial, when I believed I was fully straight with no use for gays. We three went out to restaurants a few times together at her insistence, where increasingly I began to see past his flamboyance and found the powerful intellect and the decent person within.

    One night my girlfriend had to cancel our dinner engagement at the last moment, and neither of us was able to contact the professor to let him know. The last thing I wanted was to have dinner with him alone, and in public. I worried he'd make a pass at me, and that people in the restaurant might mistake me for his gay lover. But standing someone up wasn't an option in my book, so I met him there as scheduled.

    Soon after being seated I began to have a sense that we were being observed by the others in the restaurant. Finally I asked him if it was just my imagination. No, he replied, he saw it, too. It happened to him all the time, and he was used to it, but we could leave if it bothered me.

    Now it happens that I have a very bad defiant streak, and I found the other patrons' behavior an affront upon ME, for having insulted my companion. A kind of "the enemy of my friend is my enemy, too" attitude. And I replied to him that I would be honored to stay there with him, and soon began to take delight in returning the furtive glances of the others. And to hell with them if they thought us a gay couple, I wouldn't give them the pleasure of my discomfort. I found it strangely liberating.

    He thanked me for the gesture afterwards, because he told me most other straight men would have left. We became real friends, and he never made any move on me (or else I was too naive to know it). We did all kinds of things together, with and without my girlfriend, like helped him relocate a few times, and I no longer worried about what others thought.

    When I finally did come out 20 years later, he was one of the first I phoned with the news. He told me (in hindsight) that he always knew I was gay, but he didn't believe it was his right to interfere, especially as I was dating a woman who was also a friend of his. I wish he had.
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    Oct 26, 2008 5:54 AM GMT
    Thanks for sharing Red.
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    Nov 18, 2008 6:12 AM GMT
    ajw18 saidI was actually just thinking about this last night when I was hanging out with one of my straight guy friends. It is weird that around other people, he is more reserved and puts up more of the tough guy front. But when it is just me and him, we talk about emotions and feelings. Maybe gay guys have a higher EQ (emotion quotient) so straight guys don't need to put up the same pretenses around us?


    I'm not quite sure as to the "why", but I would agree with the rest.

    And I loved Vespa's story. Although I would change some of those "whys" he claims to have had behind his actions icon_wink.gif