I'm so over dating/hookup sites and apps

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 14, 2013 12:10 AM GMT
    I was on several of them a while back and long story short I got tired of the creeps, high maintenance douchebags, being led on and being treated like a piece of meat. But recently I got bored and lonely and decided to go back to one of them and I just deleted it again today.

    I read an article that rings true. When I you put yourself on those things you're advertising yourself like some product on a display shelf. It's all very superficial and silly. They wanna see what your body's like, what your stats are, how much you make, what you do on weekends, what you'll do in the sack rather than get to know you. I'm done with it, I think I'll go meet people the old fashioned way where I won't receive dozens of hi's from of headless torsos and dick pics.

    A professor of mine gave me a copy of the Holstee Manifesto in which one of the lines says: "If you're looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing the things you love."

    I have been doing that just haven't really met any gay guys. icon_neutral.gif

    I guess I'll have to do things I love that involve fabulousness! icon_biggrin.gif

    What do you guys think?
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    May 14, 2013 12:15 AM GMT
    I think you should follow your own advice! It all sounds really good.
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    May 14, 2013 12:22 AM GMT
    Wondertwink86 said
    A professor of mine gave me a copy of the Holstee Manifesto in which one of the lines says: "If you're looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing the things you love."


    That's all very nice but there is no guarantee that will happen. The universe doesn't particularly care about you and doesn't owe you love. I know some extremely nice older people who always did what they loved and yet never found someone.

    Most people find love because they look for it.
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    May 14, 2013 12:51 AM GMT
    Aside from the dick pics, are apps really that different from going to a gay bar?

    Most of the activities that I like to do are solitary. (Pause for obvious joke.) That wouldn't help my find someone. It's poor advice to tell someone to stop looking for love, especially if your lifestyle and/or personality doesn't result in your meeting a lot of the right types of guys.
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    May 14, 2013 12:57 AM GMT
    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HEREThat's all very nice but there is no guarantee that will happen. The universe doesn't particularly care about you and doesn't owe you love. I know some extremely nice older people who always did what they loved and yet never found someone.

    Most people find love because they look for it.


    My mom and dad met at college when they went to class together. I know a guy who met his current bf that way too. My aunt met her spouse at work (Even though they got divorced). A few weeks ago I went on a stand up paddle boarding trip and during the pre-trip meeting there was a guy that was giving me gay vibes (I could be wrong). He came up to me and started talking to me, seemed like a nice guy. But he ended up cancelling on the trip so I didn't get to know him further.

    It can happen when you don't look for it. I think the quote meant that you shouldn't focus all your energies on looking for someone and just do the things you enjoy and you'll meet nice people.
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    May 14, 2013 1:12 AM GMT
    DudeInNOVA saidAside from the dick pics, are apps really that different from going to a gay bar?

    Most of the activities that I like to do are solitary. (Pause for obvious joke.) That wouldn't help my find someone. It's poor advice to tell someone to stop looking for love, especially if your lifestyle and/or personality doesn't result in your meeting a lot of the right types of guys.


    So get out of the house and do fun stuff with other people!
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    May 14, 2013 1:19 AM GMT
    Doesn't always work out that way. I work in Musical Theatre. It's mostly gay guys and beautiful girls. The girls like me but the only guys I end up being attracted to are the straight ones.
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    May 14, 2013 1:29 AM GMT
    Wondertwink86 said
    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HEREThat's all very nice but there is no guarantee that will happen. The universe doesn't particularly care about you and doesn't owe you love. I know some extremely nice older people who always did what they loved and yet never found someone.

    Most people find love because they look for it.


    My mom and dad met at college when they went to class together. I know a guy who met his current bf that way too. My aunt met her spouse at work (Even though they got divorced). A few weeks ago I went on a stand up paddle boarding trip and during the pre-trip meeting there was a guy that was giving me gay vibes (I could be wrong). He came up to me and started talking to me, seemed like a nice guy. But he ended up cancelling on the trip so I didn't get to know him further.

    It can happen when you don't look for it. I think the quote meant that you shouldn't focus all your energies on looking for someone and just do the things you enjoy and you'll meet nice people.


    That goes mostly for straight people, because there are 10-20 times more of them in most situations.

    It can happen, but it very seldom does for most gay men.
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    May 14, 2013 1:32 AM GMT
    Wondertwink86 saidSo get out of the house and do fun stuff with other people!

    Um, I do, but if I followed the advice from your book, I wouldn't. icon_neutral.gif
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    May 14, 2013 1:38 AM GMT
    Fiyero27 saidDoesn't always work out that way. I work in Musical Theatre. It's mostly gay guys and beautiful girls. The girls like me but the only guys I end up being attracted to are the straight ones.

    I hate it when that happens. I have the same issue.
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    May 14, 2013 1:59 AM GMT
    DudeInNOVA said
    Wondertwink86 saidSo get out of the house and do fun stuff with other people!

    Um, I do, but if I followed the advice from your book, I wouldn't. icon_neutral.gif


    Me too. What I love doing most is reading.
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    May 14, 2013 2:06 AM GMT
    seekonk said
    DudeInNOVA said
    Wondertwink86 saidSo get out of the house and do fun stuff with other people!

    Um, I do, but if I followed the advice from your book, I wouldn't. icon_neutral.gif


    Me too. What I love doing most is reading.


    OK how about I modify it to "they will be waiting for you when you start doing the things you love that involve social interaction among gay men?"
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    May 14, 2013 2:21 AM GMT
    Wondertwink86 said
    Fiyero27 saidDoesn't always work out that way. I work in Musical Theatre. It's mostly gay guys and beautiful girls. The girls like me but the only guys I end up being attracted to are the straight ones.

    I hate it when that happens. I have the same issue.
    Yeah, it feels like a curse to me. Serious case of unrequited love with a straight friend/co-worker right now. I envy people who can immediately turn off all emotions when they find out a guy is straight.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    May 14, 2013 2:34 PM GMT
    seekonk saidThat's all very nice but there is no guarantee that will happen. The universe doesn't particularly care about you and doesn't owe you love. I know some extremely nice older people who always did what they loved and yet never found someone.

    Most people find love because they look for it.

    I agree with this. Both times I was in LTRs it was because I was looking. However, that was before the internet. Clearly, hook-up aps are just that. Although we occasionally hear of someone meeting a relationship on one, it is rare. I don't know, some dating sites might be better (haven't tried one myself). But, back in the 'old days' the way I met my partners were through gay social events. That is, although 'hooking up' was always a possibility, the focus was on actually meeting people in RL and getting to know them.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    May 14, 2013 2:39 PM GMT
    Fiyero27 saidThe girls like me but the only guys I end up being attracted to are the straight ones.

    I used to do that to myself. Somewhere in my mid-30s I decided I wasn't going to do that anymore. I allow myself to have emotional feelings for straight men but don't allow my imagination to go very far with that. It's just too painful and self-destructive.
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    May 14, 2013 5:44 PM GMT
    Wondertwink86 saidA professor of mine gave me a copy of the Holstee Manifesto in which one of the lines says: "If you're looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing the things you love."


    I have amazing friends today that are old(er), single, and do exactly what they love. I used to think that they must be miserable with the slightest pity, but then saw that they actually are not at all. As aging gay men, they have accepted that life is full of love with or without the 'one' special relationship lasting forever... becuase forever is a long time. Life is full of many loves.
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    May 15, 2013 12:41 AM GMT
    MikeW said
    Fiyero27 saidThe girls like me but the only guys I end up being attracted to are the straight ones.

    I used to do that to myself. Somewhere in my mid-30s I decided I wasn't going to do that anymore. I allow myself to have emotional feelings for straight men but don't allow my imagination to go very far with that. It's just too painful and self-destructive.
    I would love to be able to do that. Haven't been able to control it yet. I just get too attached and they are usually my closest friends.
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    May 15, 2013 12:56 AM GMT
    i've stopped looking period. deleted my adam4adam, okcupid and original real jock account on the same night because i got a bit annoyed. on okcupid, dudes weren't even trying to give me a chance in terms of dating. on adam4adam, dudes were getting @ me like "let's hookup and fuck". it was annoying to the point where i was like damn "do i look like a male prostitute or escort where i look like i want to be used?" after awhile, i got annoyed, angry and upset so i deleted that shit. only thing it really did was make me frustrated and annoyed with gay men in general because it was really fucking bullshit. i really don't need that shit right now. i'm as depressed and worried about life as it is.

    since folks want to make me into a goddamn sex toy and can't understand that i'm trying to take things slow such as being friendly and dating, i'll just spend my time doing something else.
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    May 15, 2013 2:35 AM GMT
    I don't see the big deal. Dating sites and apps are just tools to get you to meet guys you might not run into otherwise.
    There's no guarantee that the guys you meet on the street aren't high maintenance douchebags, creepers, or just looking to hook up, or treat you like a piece of meat.
    Wherever you meet guys, you still have to weed out the ones that just aren't a match.

    And just so you know, I met my boyfriend on a dating/hookup app.


    seekonk said
    DudeInNOVA said
    Wondertwink86 saidSo get out of the house and do fun stuff with other people!

    Um, I do, but if I followed the advice from your book, I wouldn't. icon_neutral.gif


    Me too. What I love doing most is reading.


    That's easy. Take a literature class, join a book club, hang out in coffee houses or book shops.
  • psycsnacha

    Posts: 161

    May 15, 2013 4:48 AM GMT
    I've met all of my ex-bf's from sites/apps. All good runs (8+ months). Been with my current bf for 4+ years and we met on an app, hooked up the first night, and went through a few weeks of the generic, pseudo (i.e. hookup-based) courtship, before "falling into" an actual relation.

    Don't place stigma where stigma isn't due. Just thicken your skin, filter away the dross, and find your match, be it on or off an app/site. Weaning yourself from apps is healthy, but it entails put yourself out there in ways that are non-traditional now-a-days and thus intensely uncomfortable (approaching guys at random, facing the prospect of immediate, vis-a-vis, rejection, etc.).

    Good luck with whatever you do.