Is the "disappearing act" thing unique to gay guys? Or is it just people in general?

  • BryUSC88

    Posts: 198

    May 15, 2013 2:39 AM GMT
    So...in the past year, I've had 3 different guys that I met online. Everything seemed to be great...I was nice...they were nice...tons in common. One I met in person. All 3 disappeared without a word. I refuse to chase anyone, but I do try to keep in touch. I would send friendly texts occasionally...and would get lame excuses like "I've been too busy"...blah, blah, blah. I feel confident it's nothing I did. When I am getting to know someone, I don't over-due it. I keep things friendly. They all seemed very interested at first, but then communication just stopped. I feel pretty sure one of them was cat-fishing me. Pics that are TOO good are a red flag for me. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt...but now feel confident he was fake. These people drive me crazy. If you're interested, let me know it...if you're not, don't pretend like you are. That doesn't sound hard. I've never heard my straight friends talk about the "disappearing act"...so that makes me wonder if it's a gay guy thing.
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    May 15, 2013 3:52 AM GMT
    Ha, when I first read the title of this, I read it as "Is the "disappearing act" thing unique to gay porn?" That had me a little perplexed.

    I've never known someone from online long enough for there to be a disappearance. There was a guy out in California that I talked to online and subsequently met in person, and while it was good in some ways, it just wasn't going to work for a variety of reasons. I haven't been in contact with him since. I wouldn't consider that a disappearance though.
  • fLiP21

    Posts: 48

    May 15, 2013 5:32 AM GMT
    I have a lot of college aged friends (girls) who constantly complain about guys being jerks and douchebags who only want sex , so I assume it's not only a gay guy thing. While I didn't use dating sites, I used to go on grindr and chat with the guys in my area. There was this one guy in particular who really liked me and we would practically text every other day. Soon enough we were full blown sexting and we eventually set up a date to meet. When the day came to meet he cancelled, and afterwards it seemed impossible to even meet him. He stopped texting as often and he continued making more excuses why he couldn't meet. I tried being friendly like in your situation without being too aggressive and demanding but it seemed that he just didn't want to meet anymore. If only some guys had better communication skills. Some just lack the balls, brains, heart , or all 3 of them to convey their thoughts, emotions, etc. I felt stupid for not realizing sooner.
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    May 15, 2013 12:18 PM GMT
    Sometimes when you are not interested in someone you just met, it's just easier to disappear that have that discussion on the reasons why you're ot interested. It may be rude, but it avoids awkward conversations with someone you have already written off.
  • Eccomi09

    Posts: 203

    May 15, 2013 12:52 PM GMT
    OP, it's not endemic to gay world but, rather, the online world People's manners are far worse online because of the perceived anonymity.

    I know this because my students are tasked with creating a legitimate profile online for a dating site. Most of my students are straight. They compare differences in responses and use social psychology to explain them. All students report similar "ignore" examples and, as you report, the "disappearing act."
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    May 15, 2013 1:03 PM GMT
    BryUSC88 saidSo...in the past year, I've had 3 different guys that I met online. Everything seemed to be great...I was nice...they were nice...tons in common. One I met in person. All 3 disappeared without a word. I refuse to chase anyone, but I do try to keep in touch. I would send friendly texts occasionally...and would get lame excuses like "I've been too busy"...blah, blah, blah. I feel confident it's nothing I did. When I am getting to know someone, I don't over-due it. I keep things friendly. They all seemed very interested at first, but then communication just stopped. I feel pretty sure one of them was cat-fishing me. Pics that are TOO good are a red flag for me. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt...but now feel confident he was fake. These people drive me crazy. If you're interested, let me know it...if you're not, don't pretend like you are. That doesn't sound hard. I've never heard my straight friends talk about the "disappearing act"...so that makes me wonder if it's a gay guy thing.


    Hhmm..happened to me as well, some guys just stopped messaging after awhile or lose interest suddenly, I don't know why as well haha but I guess we just got to accept it, you deserve better and you will find someone who will see your worth one day, cheer up man =)
  • WhoDey

    Posts: 561

    May 15, 2013 1:21 PM GMT
    Eccomi09 saidOP, it's not endemic to gay world but, rather, the online world People's manners are far worse online because of the perceived anonymity.

    I know this because my students are tasked with creating a legitimate profile online for a dating site. Most of my students are straight. They compare differences in responses and use social psychology to explain them. All students report similar "ignore" examples and, as you report, the "disappearing act."


    So if you start chatting with a great guy and he suddenly disappears, you can blame it on his little class project being over.
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    May 15, 2013 1:27 PM GMT
    BryUSC88 saidSo...in the past year, I've had 3 different guys that I met online...


    Because I love you and you seem to be a honestly nice guy, I say this with love

    THAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?!?!

    Stop meeting guys online. Get outside, go to the park/beach/bookstore/etc and talk with people.

    Also read this: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ricks15/gay-dating-101-or-wherein-we-discuss-how-to-meet-4cvv

    Do something different and you might get different results.
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    May 15, 2013 1:41 PM GMT
    I don't think it's a gay thing, or a guy thing. I think it's a boredom thing. When people get bored, they do stupid shit, like contacting people online with whom they only want to spend time until they are not bored anymore. Then they get busy and they dump you, because you have fulfilled your goal from their perspective.

    I think that's a good thing, really. The Internet allows us to meet a lot more people than "real life" would, since we are not limited by physical proximity or the need to devote much attention.

    The downside is that we become more demanding (since we have more choice) and that our goals in interacting become less in sync. Is the hot guy in Chicago with whom I've been texting for the past year really a 65-year-old overweight fundie Christian that just wants to make the life of any fag miserable? Who knows.

    If your goal is a real connection with real people, demand that there be a real meeting of some sort. Otherwise, keep your cool and realize most people are not who they claim to be, on the Internet.
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    May 15, 2013 1:42 PM GMT
    It isn't just gay guys, it isn't just online guys, it is people in general. People need to be more forward about these things but it is the case that most people avoid being honest about this stuff (me included).

    I've learned if you feel you are being ignored then don't even bother trying to keep contact.
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    May 15, 2013 1:44 PM GMT
    yourmom said
    BryUSC88 saidSo...in the past year, I've had 3 different guys that I met online...


    Because I love you and you seem to be a honestly nice guy, I say this with love

    THAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?!?!

    Stop meeting guys online. Get outside, go to the park/beach/bookstore/etc and talk with people.

    Also read this: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ricks15/gay-dating-101-or-wherein-we-discuss-how-to-meet-4cvv

    Do something different and you might get different results.

    This times 12 trillion.
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    May 15, 2013 1:52 PM GMT
    yourmom said
    BryUSC88 saidSo...in the past year, I've had 3 different guys that I met online...


    Because I love you and you seem to be a honestly nice guy, I say this with love

    THAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?!?!

    Stop meeting guys online. Get outside, go to the park/beach/bookstore/etc and talk with people.

    Also read this: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ricks15/gay-dating-101-or-wherein-we-discuss-how-to-meet-4cvv

    Do something different and you might get different results.


    Are You implying that one should actually leave the house and have a one-on-one conversation with another Human Being and take the opportunity to evaluate if there is any actual HUMAN connection????

    What heresy is this You speak?!!?!??!

    WHY not just endless pics and gifs and kitty cats and quaint quips and the shared misconception that all of that qualifies as "dating?"

    Can't We just have a nice pretend relationship that fulfills ALL of our dreams and desires????

    icon_confused.gif

    icon_neutral.gificon_neutral.gificon_neutral.gif
  • nefficles

    Posts: 511

    May 15, 2013 1:52 PM GMT
    Not to be mean, but maybe they just weren't feeling it
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    May 15, 2013 2:29 PM GMT
    I can't say this any better than what has already been stated: don't invest any emotion or deep importance in online connections. For the most part (even on RJ), these are superficial distractions. Sometimes they lead to actually meeting someone in person, but most times they don't.

    But even when one has established a positive in-person interaction, it's no guarantee that that person will not disappear. You can generally tell the measure of a man in how he handles these types of things. To me, honesty is the best policy, and fairness an respect mean telling someone you're not feeling a connection, rather than simply disappearing.
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    May 15, 2013 3:27 PM GMT
    DanOmatic saidI can't say this any better than what has already been stated: don't invest any emotion or deep importance in online connections. For the most part (even on RJ), these are superficial distractions. Sometimes they lead to actually meeting someone in person, but most times they don't.

    But even when one has established a positive in-person interaction, it's no guarantee that that person will not disappear. You can generally tell the measure of a man in how he handles these types of things. To me, honesty is the best policy, and fairness an respect mean telling someone you're not feeling a connection, rather than simply disappearing.


    Like this haha
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    May 15, 2013 3:50 PM GMT
    I finally figured this out by having a house mate who is like the guys you "met". He's just not inteterested in any kind of relationship at all. He uses hook up sites for entertainment . He does hook up but only on the fly , nothing planned nothing like a date. He will double or triple book because he knows how Flaky online sex is. He generally ignores guys that want to see him
    again. He is not a bad guy and he actually invites me to hang out now that he knows me but he laughs at serious meeting or dating anyone on line. What makes it confusing is there are guys like yourself on line but its impossible to sort them out from the others. PS . Guys like my housemate will hook up with a dozen guys a week so any one guy is soon forgotten
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    May 15, 2013 3:59 PM GMT
    95-99% OF ALL GAYS ARE VAIN, SELFISH CHEATERS.... icon_evil.gif
    CALLING A SPADE A SPADE!
  • SFTigger

    Posts: 34

    May 15, 2013 4:07 PM GMT
    Truth:

    I've been that guy. Hardest thing in the world for me to stop the pattern.

    I've had those guys do that to me. I've come to expect it of online interactions, and I don't let it upset me.

    What is really upsetting is those folks who continue the disappearing act in real life. My last trainer was like that. Appointments set and then missed, constant rescheduling, and inconsistent workouts as a result. I put up with it for several months -- several months longer than I should have.
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    May 15, 2013 4:17 PM GMT
    Eccomi09 saidOP, it's not endemic to gay world but, rather, the online world People's manners are far worse online because of the perceived anonymity.


    This.

    There's also a good chance the person met someone else perceived "better" than you, or they were already in a relationship when they were flirting with you.
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    May 15, 2013 4:30 PM GMT
    I think the key is 'online' which you mentioned and only 1 you met personally. It is not until you actually meet someone that a relationship (friendship, etc. mutual interest can be established). In the internet, pretty much you can hide your true intentions, etc. is different when you are face to face with someone, the inferences of body language, what they are saying, etc. Best bet man is just continue going out an meeting the real thing if they can commit being there, but there will be flakes.
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    May 15, 2013 4:36 PM GMT
    It's ubiquitous-- The counterpart: I was always disappointed because I had some sort of unrealistic expectation. That he could be the 'one' or that we got along fine via texting/email so we must have something unique. Successful attraction doesn't work like that.

    Success is built from consistency. My view today is that a string of digital code, often misinterpreted, shared between two people for a few weeks is not justifiably consistent. I learned to say 'Thank You' and walk away.
  • YILLING

    Posts: 3

    May 15, 2013 4:55 PM GMT
    I think it's online dating in general. I have straight friends who've also encountered flakes.

    I know how frustrating it is---happened to me once as well. I was chatting with a guy a few months ago who claimed he was the "professional and assertive/not afraid to speak his mind" type. Result? Complete flake.

    If you're chatting with someone for a while (and have even met in person) and they're not interested (for whatever reason), they owe it to you to just say that before completely ignoring you. No need for explanations. I don't think it's hard to say "it's been nice chatting to you, but this isn't for me."
    Which is why I am now upfront about this when meeting people.

    Interesting corollary: a straight friend (a business exec.) had a similar problem with a woman he met (they chatted, went out for a few dates, then she disappeared / cut off all contact without warning). Two and a half years later he ran into her when his company was considering doing business with another company--which she happened to work for. She totally ignored him and acted like nothing happened. Needless to say, her company lost the deal.

    Point is, always good to end amicably; someday people will learn burning bridges is a bad idea.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    May 15, 2013 4:57 PM GMT
    The TroyAthlete Corollary to Dating Dudes: "Until you've had the relationship talk AND he starts publicly introducing you to friends/loved ones as his significant other, never expect a man to stick around."

    Yes, straight men disappear too when they can get away with it and still get laid -- but at some point most straight men get diminishing returns on promiscuity and it becomes easier for them to get sex within the confines of committment, due to the competing demands of women. So, yes, gay men disappear more overall because it is easier for gays to get away with it and still get laid -- gay men have less of an imperative settle down in order to have their sexual needs met.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    May 15, 2013 5:03 PM GMT
    With regard to just chatting online, as opposed to intending to meet or expecting it, I've been guilty of disappearing occasionally. Sometimes the conversation starts out on fire and you exchange a lot of messages, and then one day, with the ball in your court, you just can't think of anything to say. It's not that you don't still like the guy, you just can't quite think of anything to write. It has happened to me, too. I've got a great conversation going with some guy, there is no intention of meeting because we're a thousand miles apart, and then all of a sudden communication stops. The last time this happened the guy met someone local and a relationship cranked up fast. He literally didn't have the time to write anymore. So I don't necessarily think disappearance is malevolent. Just a fact of quickly established online relationships.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    May 15, 2013 5:04 PM GMT
    Unfortunately it's just people in general that do this, and not just online icon_cry.gif

    Now I have "disappeared" from other people's lives who probably didn't even realize it and who cares and they probably know why. When it is a mutual feeling it's OK but it can suck when one person disappears when you have been talking and everything was going cool. I guess it's much easier to do online, especially if you have never met in real life.

    I talked to a guy for a long time and we skyped for a while and then he disappeared. Apparently he got a BF and a few other things changed in his life too. I don't know why that would allow him to stop talking to me, even if we were just to chat as friends. I did get a hold of him later and he did talk to me but obviously it wasn't the same as before.

    Unless someone is a complete ass or rude and mean, I would never disappear on someone even if I got a bf or something. I like to make connections with people and work hard to keep them if possible. Even if I've never met them, cuz you never know what could happen.

    I guess most people just have no consideration for other people. And I am sick of doing all the work icon_rolleyes.gif