Coming out of the closet

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 26, 2008 7:27 PM GMT
    Ok guys, im still in the closet. Im 20 years old and really feel the urge to come out because, to be honest, i love guys...and dick lol
    How and when should i come out? My family is really conservative republicans and im really liberal democrat. Ive known i was bi since middle school. The problem is, i cant see myself dating a guy, all i want to do is have sex with a guy. But its almost the opposite for girls, i wanna marry a girl but not really into having sex with girls. Its such a weird feeling.

    Does anyone have any advice?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 26, 2008 7:36 PM GMT
    Put on a pair of fab pumps, fling open the door, take a step out, take in a deep breath, slowly breath out, while looking around with a big smile on your face and say "I'm here"

    Everyone will know exactly what you mean and if anyone questions you, you can kick there arse in a fab pair of pumps!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 26, 2008 7:36 PM GMT
    Hey bena... when I was your age I was very much the same. I couldn't see myself dating a guy but I loved having sex with them and the intimacy of laying there naked with another guy. but wanted to marry a woman. So I did. We were married for 18 years and had two kids.

    Eventually we did end up getting divorced for several reasons. And somehow for us, it worked out. We get along well and my kids are great with it all, even with my partner. However, I have a lot of friends who also did it my way and it didn't turn out well at all.

    I would say you're still young, you don't necessarily need to make the final choice right now. You can't see yourself dating a guy, but you want to have sex with them. We'll just do that for now. And who knows, you may actually end up meeting a guy that you end up forming a great bond with and fall in love. But I would suggest that you don't put a label on yourself right now. You don't have to fit anyone's mold, just create your own.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 26, 2008 7:37 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidPut on a pair of fab pumps, fling open the door, take a step out, take in a deep breath, slowly breath out, while looking around with a big smile on your face and say "I'm here"

    Everyone will know exactly what you mean and if anyone questions you, you can kick there arse in a fab pair of pumps!


    But on the other hand... I love lilTankers advice too!
  • gibbay

    Posts: 59

    Oct 26, 2008 8:29 PM GMT
    It sounds like you know what you want from both boys and girls, so I'd say go with that. As time goes on, your feelings towards one or both sexes might expand into the other end of the spectrum, (so you'd want to date boys and have sex with girls) but they might stay they way they are the rest of your life. The important thing is that if you feel like it's your time to come out, then I say do it, and those who care about you will support you in that. Keep us updated on how it goes for you icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 26, 2008 8:38 PM GMT
    "In the best of all possible worlds" (to quote from the Bernstein/Sondheim musical "Candide") all gay & bi men could come out without negative consequences. But this is not the best of all possible worlds.

    Your decision is situational, unique to you, and no one can tell you when or if you should come out. There's nothing wrong, cowardly or dishonorable with "biding your time" until circumstances favor your coming out.

    You didn't create this situation in which you find yourself, and so there's no reason you should be the one hurt by it. Don't "fall on your sword" as we used to say in the Army.

    Rather, keep your sword out of sight until you are ready to use it, to your best advantage. Never be a victim; always be the one who calls the shots, on your own terms.

    You want to marry a girl because that's the American Dream for most men. It's not strange you should want that.

    But marrying a girl may not be in the cards for you. Or if you do marry a girl, consider whether you'll be cheating her, out of the straight love she deserves. A straight woman has a right to her own Dream, after all, that probably doesn't include marriage to a gay guy.

    And that's what you may be, despite your calling yourself bi. Bi is often the transitional term, the "sticking your toe in the water" term for gay men who are having trouble accepting their fully gay status.

    But I also believe there really are bisexuals, though that is sometimes disputed in the gay community. But what YOU are, at 20, may not yet be clearly established yet, at least the fully mature understanding of your correct orientation, which I would contend was established before birth.

    I would therefore advise a wait-and-see attitude, and not make any precipitous decisions yet with your family. Twenty-year-old men aren't typically expected to be married yet, so you have some time before the family gets nervous. Date some girls to please them and see what you think yourself, and date some guys on the side.

    The choice is yours, and make that choice when it best suits you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 26, 2008 9:10 PM GMT
    We both in the same age.. So all I can say is.. relax and just go with the flow. If you feel that telling your parents about your current situation is the right thing for you, then do it. You know your own situation better than the rest of us, so my advice is just do what you think the right thing to do.

    About how to come out. You can do a dramatic come out during dinner time ( like I did). Another thing.. you can come out with only one of your parents first, for example your mom or your dad. Anyway.. you can come out in a thousand different way. When? it's your call son.. do it when you think the time is right.

    about you wanting guys for sex but not dating and girls in opposite way. I think it's okay. You are not going to marry a girl tomorrow right ? Just live your life for now. I am totally agree with polobutt. Just satisfy your sex craving with a guy if you want to. It's not a bad thing to do.

    However, if you want to date a girl, you must know the consequences. One of them is not having sex with guys, because I believe in monogamy. Think about it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 27, 2008 1:54 AM GMT
    My parents are republicans, very conservative.
    My parents are very Catholic, deeply religious (but extremely reasonable)
    My mother is actually a third-order Carmelite nun
    all this to say...

    I am out, you should be too, they also do not give a damn. Why? Because they love me, a lot. I lived for too long in that cramped closet. Just come out. Just be honest and stop trying to make excuses. It isn't about sex with guys and marriage with women, it is about just being your self and stop lying. That weight bored to heavily on me and I finely just caved.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 27, 2008 2:32 AM GMT
    My parents are also republican and fairly conservative. Divorce doesn't happen in my family....AT ALL! Not in any generation! Everyone gets married....then has children!

    But -- we are good hearted people. My parents love me and were totally cool with it. I can't imagine how any parents who truly love their children could turn their backs on them.

    I think you will be alright!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 27, 2008 2:37 AM GMT
    Pinny saidI am out, you should be too, they also do not give a damn.


    Good for you, but what has that got to do with the unique circumstances of the OP? Will you guarantee him the same happy result you had, with his situation, and the people with whom he must deal? Or are you just speaking in ideal theoretical terms?

    You remind me of the spectator in the street, who sees a person on the ledge of a tall skyscraper and yells "Jump! Jump!" No skin off your own nose.

    I made the mistake of listening to gay friends, who told me I had to come out to my family. And I resisted, saying I knew them better than they did, and that they would overreact to my being gay.

    My gay friends countered by making me feel like a coward for not coming out to my family, that I wouldn't be really "gay" until I spilled my guts to them. And so, against my better judgment, I did.

    Well, one of them promptly called the police, and told them I was a pedophile, with no more proof than I had admitted to being gay. A prosecutor went to a conservative judge, and with no evidence whatsoever, the judge issued a search warrant against me for pedophile materials.

    And so one day, at 1 PM, a SWAT team burst into my home, and searched it for 5 hours, seizing my computers, printer, PDA, and all digital storage media. Items I didn't see again for 4 months, when they were finally returned to me.

    Because the state crime lab found no evidence of pedophilia on my computers, a crime I detest. Nor did they find anything else illegal on my computers. But I was subjected to that treatment solely on the basis of my being a gay man, whom a prosecutor & judge automatically assumed must be a criminal pervert.

    If I were you I'd be more careful before advising any gay man to come out for the sake of coming out, without knowing his facts & circumstances. As I said in my previous post, each decision is situational, and unless you know that situation, you have no business giving unequivocal advice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 27, 2008 2:40 AM GMT
    The important thing is not to lie to yourself, or to people you love. You can do that without necessarily coming out. I think if you have a relationship, you owe it to the other person to tell them if you are not going to be monogamous, but other than that, you don't owe anyone any additional coming out. You just owe it to yourself to do it when you are ready.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 27, 2008 2:41 AM GMT
    I appreciate all of that advice. You all made me feel a lot better, honestly. I guess i should just go with the flow for right now. The problem is i dont wanna be gay, i wanna live a normal straight life wanting to fuck girls endlessly and marry one and have children. But i dont think that is going to happen for me if i have so many urges for men.
    Anways i still appreciate all the advice. And a word of advice from me

    VOTE OBAMA/BIDEN NEXT TUESDAY!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 27, 2008 3:22 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa said but what has that got to do with the unique circumstances of the OP?

    I didn't guarantee anything, in fact, if you had quoted the next couple words, you would have seen why they didn't give a damn--they love me a lot.

    In all honesty, I am a firm believer in being true to yourself. That should be reason enough for someone to want to come out in modern society, especially in America. Is it easy, no. Is there any guarantee, no. But there is one thing that is great, you can finally be honest with yourself. It is really a long and hard process. A lot of us here on these forums went through it and the last thing Bena7xfan88 needs is militant gays with superiority complexes telling him what a big deal coming out isn't. I have had enough of that from the crowd around town completely down playing the fact that someone might just be coming out.

    So I would rather be supportive to him and tell him that he should, at the very least, be honest to himself. He will feel a lot better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 27, 2008 4:49 AM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    If I were you I'd be more careful before advising any gay man to come out for the sake of coming out, without knowing his facts & circumstances[...] You have no business giving unequivocal advice.

    I typed up a rather long response to this comment and then decided not to post it because all it would do is turn this thread into a flame war. Red_Vespa, I find most of your comments rather abrasive and extremely misinformed when you remark on other RJ members. You jump the gun a lot when it comes to other peoples advice (not including the over abundance of your political ranting in other threads).

    All I have to say is that yes his "coming out" experience is unique to him, you are 100% right there but he didn't once say that he fears the consequences as if we lived in some 1970s Bible Belt community.

    He wanted our advice and I told him mine. You really have no ground criticizing mine as this isn't an objective item.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 27, 2008 5:14 AM GMT
    Well maybe when you put a greater distance physically and emotionally from the influence and expectation of your parents your feelings will start to change. I don't know you might feel that way for ever but i know a lot of people who's changed.

    Do you know what you really want, (I don't, not many people I know do) or are you to confused by everyone telling you what you should want?

    Don't be surprised or complain if you find gay guys dismissive of your position when you announce that you're bi. It basically amounts to I want to use you for sex nothing more, then I go home start a family like being gay is something you ought be ashamed of.

    Is it fair to a women to marry her and have a sexual relationship on the side regardless of what sex it's with? I don't think so but then you have to make up your own mind. The only thing to consider is that if there's something you can't give her she may find it elsewhere and is the resulting break up fair to your kids. basically can you or do you really want to live a lie.

    lastly maybe you just haven't met the guy you can have it all and be happy with. He might be out there somewhere
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 27, 2008 5:22 AM GMT
    bena7xfan88 saidI appreciate all of that advice. You all made me feel a lot better, honestly. I guess i should just go with the flow for right now. The problem is i dont wanna be gay, i wanna live a normal straight life wanting to fuck girls endlessly and marry one and have children. But i dont think that is going to happen for me if i have so many urges for men.
    Anways i still appreciate all the advice. And a word of advice from me

    VOTE OBAMA/BIDEN NEXT TUESDAY!!


    I don't want to be gay either. But it is what it is. It was wired in me long before I was born. There's not a thing in the whole world that can be done about it. I struggled with it for a very long time. And to be honest, I still have trouble accepting it. I was EXACTLY the same way. In fact, I can still remember the girls I liked in grade school....and still like to this day! But what helped me was confiding in people who I knew didn't give two shits in a barrel. I came out to my two best friends. What was their reaction? It wasn't damnation, but rather love and embracement and a congratulations on such a big leap forward. You won't truly be happy until you realize what you are and accept it. I don't want to be gay, but I am. So now I live with it. I don't think that anybody in their right mind would subject themselves to such a harsh and biggoted lifestyle. I sure as hell wouldn't. But again, find a close friend and tell them. You'd be amazed at how much more free you'd feel and become. TRUST ME....I'VE BEEN THERE!!! Infact, I started a post on here called "Coming Out" that dealt with the exact same issues. Good luck dude. Let us know how it goes.

    PS- VOTE MCCAIN/PALIN NEXT TUESDAY! icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 27, 2008 5:30 AM GMT
    bena7xfan88 saidOk guys, im still in the closet. Im 20 years old and really feel the urge to come out because, to be honest, i love guys...and dick lol
    How and when should i come out? My family is really conservative republicans and im really liberal democrat. Ive known i was bi since middle school. The problem is, i cant see myself dating a guy, all i want to do is have sex with a guy. But its almost the opposite for girls, i wanna marry a girl but not really into having sex with girls. Its such a weird feeling.

    Does anyone have any advice?



    Life is short.
    Love it, live it.

    Do what you feel that means.

    For me, that meant telling my friends, and eventually my parents. I kind of know what you mean with the girl, I think that might be social values upon you or it could be that is just your feelings.

    And I'm not gonna lie, its hard living against the curve that everyone else lives on. But its life, you have one. How valuable is your happiness?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 27, 2008 7:44 AM GMT
    Well all i have to say is just be honest with yourself and everybody, Its hard to descibe i have never been out on a date,but i tend to favor wanting to date and be with a guy. I have never really been into girls i dont know why,i have seen some really beautiful ones too but they just dont turn me on,the way guys do.My mother knows somethings up because i have never had a girlfriend .As strange as it may sound i really dont think of myself as gay or straight or bi i just know that i like guys. I am out by the way.