Should I just message this guy and tell him how i feel?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 26, 2008 8:57 PM GMT
    To begin this long story: I have a huge crush on this guy at my university.

    The catch is that I don't even know him! I see him around and I think the school is small enough that we both know each other goes here, but like I said, we don't know each other.

    So being curious about him I tracked down his profile on Facebook. Lucky me, it was open. Basically he says he's interested in women and conservative.....but that's definitely what my profile says as well icon_lol.gif

    Anyway, I've been going back and forth in my head trying to decide from his Facebook if he's gay or bi or anything that I would have a chance with. I don't really know how to contact him or get to know him any other way besides facebook which seems very lame if not just creepy, but I have been thinking about just sending him a message explaining how I feel since I see some gay tendencies to the facebook, and also just to stop this waiting. I need some type of closure.

    Would that be way too creepy or uncalled for? If he's straight and anti-gay couldn't that be dangerous for me too?! I just want some opinions on what I should do.
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    Oct 26, 2008 9:11 PM GMT
    Contacting him online is kinda all or nothing, and might creep him out. Is there anyway you can socialize with him on or off campus, and get some better feedback on what he really is?

    Does his profile indicate any clubs or organizations he might attend, where you can meet him? Maybe the campus Republicans will have a rally before the election, or an election night gathering?

    I think you need more data than just online and your casually seeing him on campus. Your having the hots for a guy doesn't make him gay.
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    Oct 26, 2008 9:23 PM GMT
    Too risky and unpredictable.. if I was you.. I would just leave him be and find a cute gay guy.. there's too many guys out there icon_lol.gif
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Oct 27, 2008 12:39 AM GMT
    Sounds like you might be obsessed. I think you have two choices: try to find a way to meet him and try to interact with him and see if you get any signs. Contacting him via Facebook or whatever out of the blue is definitely on the creepy side. The fact he is conservative and interested in girls is probably not a good sign. You really do need to take him at his word. Sure, he could be gay or bi and just closeted, but the odds are probably not good.

    I think you're better off trying to find someone you might have a chance with. Chasing a guy who is unavailable is a bad trend to start.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2008 1:26 AM GMT
    Hey Tom,

    When we read, "So being curious about him I tracked down his profile on Facebook. Lucky me, it was open. Basically he says he's interested in women and conservative.....but that's definitely what my profile says as well", the first thing I thought was to take the Facebook info at face value (bad pun, I know) and Bill said that you may have used a similar description in profile but that in no way should mean that he has as well. Wishful thinking, says Bill.

    We're both curious, in Universities these days, what's the necessity of being hidden?

    We're with the other posters here, wait for someone who's a bit more demonstrably gay and /or obviously smitten with you.

    If he's in the closet he may reject you mightily for your perceived 'prying', when really all you're doing is 'trying'. heh.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2008 1:32 AM GMT
    You see him around campus, so just accidentally bump into him or something and start a conversation. If he's gay and you're his type, it wont end at just bumping into each other. Don't do the online thing. It's too creepy!
  • eckilegs

    Posts: 223

    Oct 27, 2008 1:33 AM GMT
    This is going to sound totally mean, but please read it all to realize that it's not meant to be. When I read the last sentence of your post, I thought, "Aww, he's 19!" and I felt bad when I looked at your profile and had guessed right. I know it sounds like I'm picking on you or being rude, I just used to think on similar wavelengths when I was younger.

    Before you declare your interest, it IS possible to just send a message to him saying "hey, how's it going" and starting that way. If he does turn out to be gay and/or interested, he'll probably reply. Who knows, you might find out if you get to know him better that he isn't what you're looking for.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2008 1:34 AM GMT
    Haven't you learned yet? Never tell anyone how you feel.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2008 1:38 AM GMT
    Messaging blindly on facebook is shady ops. You can try that, the risk is very small. If he's hetero he'll probably ignore it or just question who the heck you are. If he's homo he'll respond probably and have some questions.

    How bout the mutual friends list? anyone you both know? that may help.

    and just because you have conservative/women on urs, doesnt mean anything about his. he probably is conservative/women hahah

    sorry man, just the way of the world.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2008 1:40 AM GMT
    Nothing wrong with a little message on facebook saying hi. I wouldn't jump right in and tell him everything, though. Just make friends first, rest will come later... if he even is gay/bi.
  • kewlkat

    Posts: 10

    Oct 27, 2008 1:44 AM GMT
    In hindsight, college makes things a little easier. These guys are right about facebook being creepy to start a convo, but I'll tell you that my facebook says women and conservative and Im interested in guys and so does the guy who Im talking to now from my other post. Also, one of my other friends does too, and he LIVES with his bf. Point being, facebook is public so you know that publicly thats what he wants to be known as right now. Find out where he likes to be and be there, or find out who he hangs with and meet him through his friends. You have to find a way to meet without pretense, otherwise you got no shot. Does he hang around a lot of girls? Always with one girl? The first guy I ever fooled around with was just like me, we were both with girls and had girls all the time, but never had ONE girl. If a guy is like that in college, he is usually a player or he likes dudes and is putting up a front, maybe both. If he is a guy like me, then he will not give you the time of day unless he trusts you and it'll take time. Is it worth it? When you do meet him, if he doesnt mention girls or his girl within the first real convo you have with him, then maybe you have a shot. Good luck.
  • Heart2Heart

    Posts: 28

    Oct 27, 2008 2:14 AM GMT
    Do you just have a crust on this guy due to looks alone? What if you find out the guy is a complete jerk? Then where do you go from there?

    My point is, if you really want to start something with this guy, you should do what others on this board have suggested already: find an event that you know he'll be at and make friends with him. It's the best way you can get to know him and the reason why you like him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2008 6:30 AM GMT
    Don't tell me your facebook profile basically says you're interested in women! (Unless you are ...) But if this guy is what you're really interested in, first thing to do is change your profile to at least be ambiguous!

    Then, before you lose any more sleep, try to meet him somehow. Do you know anyone you've seen him with? There's always a way to meet through a mutual friend, without anyone knowing what's on your mind. Then you can find out if you really LIKE him, or are just hot for him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2008 8:24 AM GMT
    i did not read the other replies (i know, im bad)

    but try to get to know him before you send him a message, i have had a couple of messages sent to me over facebook ,where i have only seen the person a couple times (not really even talking to them either time) and its just weird. in terms of, the person never talking to you and then sending you a message to you like you guys know each other

    get to know him better, like you said, u dont even know him
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2008 2:22 PM GMT
    Hate to break it to you but chances are he is what he says he is. Straight and conservative so don't get your hopes up. I am not sure what you meant by "gay tendencies" on facebook.

    If you have just seen him on campus and managed to develop a crush on him then chances are it is his appearance that is getting you interested. I think it would be wise to some how strike up a conversation if possible to see what he is like as a person.

    To send him an e-mail out of the blue on Facebook saying that you are gay and that you are interested. Well that is very brave but can you handle the rejection if he is who says he is? I would hate to see you get hurt.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2008 5:24 PM GMT
    I think what a lot of people may be missing about facebook is that almost everyone lies on it, including me. My profile says I'm interested in women and that I'm conservative when, in fact I'm bi and a little more moderate than conservative.

    We usually just put on there what we want to be seen as, not what we are. Even one of my gay friends has "women" under the interested-in section. icon_wink.gif

    I'll try and meet him. I'm just tired of how slow motion this whole process will have to be which is why I just wanted to fast forward it by sending the message and getting things over with.

    I'm willing to wait though and just get to know him before anything else to decide and even if I don't "like him" like him after that, I still might have a really good friend from this whole process, who knows.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2008 6:11 PM GMT
    find a mutual friend. Get an introduction.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 27, 2008 6:49 PM GMT
    Tom_milehigh saidI think what a lot of people may be missing about facebook is that almost everyone lies on it, including me. My profile says I'm interested in women and that I'm conservative when, in fact I'm bi and a little more moderate than conservative.

    We usually just put on there what we want to be seen as, not what we are. Even one of my gay friends has "women" under the interested-in section. icon_wink.gif

    I'll try and meet him. I'm just tired of how slow motion this whole process will have to be which is why I just wanted to fast forward it by sending the message and getting things over with.

    I'm willing to wait though and just get to know him before anything else to decide and even if I don't "like him" like him after that, I still might have a really good friend from this whole process, who knows.


    That is a depressing thought that most people lie on Facebook. I can't even recall a section in Facebook that asks what your sexual orientation is (there is one on MySpace) and I use it every day!

    Trying to meet him in person will probably increase your chances of succeeding as opposed to an e-mail from out of the blue. Good luck.
  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    Oct 27, 2008 6:50 PM GMT
    Good advice from many here.
    Mine is to try to find a way to see him on an open social venue like a club or other social gathering where there are others around.

    Many guys get weird when you Email or message them,
    Some assume even giving asked for advice is tantamount to a sexual advance and feel they need to attack you. icon_smile.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 28, 2008 1:58 AM GMT


    SurrealLife said,
    "That is a depressing thought that most people lie on Facebook"

    No kidding! Does that mean most lie here, too? If most are lying, no wonder online friendships are so difficult.

    How dopey. Like the 'persona' thing. What possible benefit?
    Just more deception, ready to backfire. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Oct 28, 2008 2:09 AM GMT
    It's true that some people lie on social networking sites. But look at probabilities, here. There are simply more conservative men who are interested in women than there are gay men who pretend to be conservative men who are interested in women.

    The internet is not inherently a bad way to meet someone. But if your only real knowledge of this guy is his facebook status, then it makes more sense to assume he's straight than assume he's closeted just because you hope he is. By all means, try talking to him in person and see where it goes. But I wouldn't assume he's closeted on facebook just because you are.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2008 10:40 PM GMT
    Talk to him...face to face. You should find a way, guy to guy, you don't have to declare anything, just say whats up to him and go from there.
  • vindog

    Posts: 1440

    Oct 29, 2008 10:52 PM GMT
    DON'T DO IT!


    I def meet him face to face without him knowing your intentions. He may end up being a douchebag and you'll be glad you never put it out there. If he's cool then you can move forward.





  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 29, 2008 11:26 PM GMT
    I think your goal here is to find out if he is gay, or at least bi-enough to try fooling with you.

    If you knew he was gay, then I'd agree - just approach him. There may be some uncomfortable moments of silence as you figure out what to say to each other, but just wait through them. It's perfectly normal for people to not be fluent chatterboxes in every circumstance.

    Try the mutual friend thing can be tricky - if you aren't out to the mutual friend. Because you making a pass at him will get back to the mutual friend.

    So, online approach maybe isn't the worst approach. How about something like
    "I've seen you around campus and you caught my interest. I haven't noticed anything about you that would give me the signal that you are gay or bi - but some guys are pretty good at being on the down-low about that. So I thought I'd take a chance and say hi, I'd like to meet you and get to know you.
    If you're not interest, I understand. I've taken a risk being open with you, so if it's not your thing just say so and please respect that this is something about myself I want to keep private right now.
    I definitely think you're cute, I can only hope that you might be interested in return.
    Tom"

    Of course you might want to use slang or re-phrase it to your tastes. The point is that you are writing to two different guys. One is straight the other gay and closeted. If he's straight - you need to emphasis that you don't see him as gay and you are just fishing for a possibility. You also want to point out that he needs to keep his trap shut if he's a decent person. The guy on the down-low, he also doesn't want to be spotted as queer. With this note you let him know that you will be able to play with him on that level. Plus he can approach you without having to take the risk of wondering if you are gay. He would probably be relieved there's someone to relate to - if he doesn't already have a boyfriend.

    Approaching a closeted-gay in-person and saying you like him is likely to turn on his denial-reaction. Unless he has practiced outing himself verbally to someone or done it in the past, he could experience alot of discomfort that he isn't ready to deal with - even if he thinks you are cute. The email approach might be soft enough to let him get his fear reaction out of the way before responding.

    Good Luck.

    The other alternative is to just start being out and gay and flirt with guys and flirt with him. He'll respond, or he won't.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 04, 2008 11:20 PM GMT
    I wonder if I could just ask one of his friends who are girls if they know. That's indirect and not as risky or creeper right?icon_question.gificon_confused.gif