Should I end my friendship with him??

  • meezo

    Posts: 117

    May 22, 2013 11:23 AM GMT
    I have been a friend with someone for many years>>>but recently I don’t feel comfortable with him anymore>>I don’t know why I feel that way toward him>>>when I know I am going to meet him and when he comes to talk with me I just don’t feel well and I get nervous and get sad >>>>and I don’t feel that he really loves me and cares about me(but I don’t have an evidence about this)while I feel good with my other friends .
    I feel that he cares about himself and he is just in friendship with me for his own benefits(also there is no evidence, it is just my feeling).
    I am asking this question because I don’t want to hurt him if I end my friendship with him ,,because putting myself in his place for example: I will wander why he suddenly left me?? And that isn't nice to end a friendship without knowing why he ended it, especially if we have been friend for a long time.
    I don’t know if it is a big deal>>or I am just making it a big issue especially I am a sensitive person.
    Thank you all in forward
    And sorry if my English is bad..it is not my mother tongue.
  • Rhi_Bran

    Posts: 904

    May 22, 2013 11:32 AM GMT
    Is this just a friend or someone you have a crush on and are unwilling to tell? If so, been there done that.

    Do not terminate your friendship with someone based simply on your "gut instinct". If they personally do not do anything to upset you on purpose, and you cut off your friendship with no warning, you could end up leaving them confused and hurt.

    I think we need a bit more information.
  • meezo

    Posts: 117

    May 22, 2013 11:34 AM GMT
    Rhi_Bran saidIs this just a friend or someone you have a crush on and are unwilling to tell? If so, been there done that.

    Do not terminate your friendship with someone based simply on your "gut instinct". If they personally do not do anything to upset you on purpose, and you cut off your friendship with no warning, you could end up leaving them confused and hurt.

    I think we need a bit more information.


    Thank you for your reply
    he is just a friend >>but I always don,t feel good near him.
  • Rhi_Bran

    Posts: 904

    May 22, 2013 11:41 AM GMT
    Why?
  • meezo

    Posts: 117

    May 22, 2013 11:46 AM GMT
    I don,t know why...this is how I feel...I prefer not to see him and not to meet him
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2013 11:50 AM GMT
    I doubt that anyone in these forums will be able to give you any advice if you are unable to justify as to why you want to end your friendship.
  • meezo

    Posts: 117

    May 22, 2013 11:57 AM GMT
    Erik101 saidI doubt that anyone in these forums will be able to give you any advice if you are unable to justify as to why you want to end your friendship.

    thank you for your reply
    the reason is I don,t feel well with him and he doesn,t care about me,he just care for himself and his friendship with me is just to benefit from me when he can(but I don,t have evidence about my feeling this way)
  • meezo

    Posts: 117

    May 22, 2013 12:23 PM GMT
    trbld saidDoes he say things that make you feel bad?
    Does he treat you poorly?
    What is it about him that makes you feel that he is taking advantage of your friendship?


    I really don't have a specific answers>
    this is just a feeling,I just don,t feel he cares about me,and I don,t feel comfortable and safe near him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2013 12:30 PM GMT
    ^^^ I understand that English is not your mother tongue (it's not mine either) but what do you mean by you don't feel "safe near him?" Is your life threatened when you're near him?
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    May 22, 2013 12:37 PM GMT
    Sometimes we change and our friends no longer fit right with us.

    If you're feeling that your friendship is a one way street, with you giving and him taking. Then maybe you should try to cool the friendship. Don't make plans to meet up but spend time with people you feel more comfortable and have more in common with.

    This sounds like a strange relationship and I have been in similar ones too, when I've clung onto the friendship from loyalty and out of habit, but really I should just let go and not see that person so much.

    It's your life. Don't feel bad if you want to distance yourself from someone.

    Good luck

    Loz
  • meezo

    Posts: 117

    May 22, 2013 12:37 PM GMT
    Erik101 said^^^ I understand that English is not your mother tongue (it's not mine either) but what do you mean by you don't feel "safe near him?" Is your life threatened when you're near him?


    Thank you for your reply Erik101,
    no,not my life threatened, I mean I don,t feel happy, I don,t feel psychologically well.
  • ignaceqbc

    Posts: 204

    May 22, 2013 1:06 PM GMT
    i have a same experience....my solution is...don`t go out with him anymore!
    but if there is any possibility to talk it, you should talk it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2013 1:06 PM GMT
    I think I know what you mean.

    I used to be, on my side at least, seemingly close, as a friend to somebody I no longer really talk to anymore.

    After a short but intense and fun start to the friendship, I started to feel the same way as you do, that he was in fact, IMO, using me but I couldn't put my finger on concrete examples to begin with. It was a strong gut feeling.

    The more distance in time I had away from him, the clearer it became to me. Although for the very predominant part, at first at least, I had a lot of fun hanging out/talking to him, and cared about him etc, and it seemed mutual in that regard. Eventually though, it felt like he was being manipulative, although in a very subtle way, that my other so-called friends in our group didn't even seem to realise. A lot of the negative things were only witnessed by me, and they were so fleeting and subtle that even I hardly cerebrally recognised them for what they were for a while, but, I certainly 'felt' it.

    I felt like he wanted to use a friendship with me to meet more people (my friends, university parties/girls, and or to go out bar crawling/clubs for him to meet girls and or simply to get out of the house), I suspected he didn't really respect me (although he kept it quite hidden for the most part), and made it clear to me on occasion, and in private, that he'd like to hook up with me on the DL, despite claiming to be 100% straight and taking jabs at 'fags' in front of others.

    I started to distance myself from him somewhat, but not cut him off completely, and the subsequent reaction was very childish on his part. Ranging from manipulating our mutual friends to invite me out with the group (after months and months of neither of us communicating), instead of doing it himself in case of loosing face, telling me online that he wasn't really my friend anyway and was simply 'using you for my pleasure', then ignoring this comment and pretending all is cool a few weeks later, or ignoring me, declining an open ended invitation to meet up as 'pay back' it felt, to acting super hurt but quiet about it when I did meet up with our then group of friends, playing the victim to them no doubt, about how I have now become cold and iced him out, making them feel sorry for him and resenting me for distancing myself from him (even to the point of doing the same to myself- none of them ever really had a one on one conversation with me as to why I had distanced myself, but just jumped to their own, incorrect, conclusions).

    After a while, I simply stopped talking to him altogether, and left the group of friends more or less, but still occasionally keeping in contact with those I thought were more mature, respectful and genuine friends (one in particular who I was friends with for much longer than the rest). Too much mind games, drama and childishness for me. It was starting to effect my general mood, distract me from the things I needed to focus on in life and depress me.

    A few years later, I made the decision to try and see if a friendship between this guy and I could actually be salvaged after perhaps bringing up and discussing some of these issues with him and coming to a resolution and moving forward in a mature, adult way. He really didn't want to discuss the issues. Too deep I suspect. Brush it under the carpet and act like nothing happened between us and as if we were as close as we were 3 years earlier was more the vibe I was getting from him. I couldn't really do that. It would take some more time to build a friendship up again for me, but I was certainly open to trying. Then, old patterns seemed to re-emerge. Mind games, childish antics of 'get one up'-ship, then no doubt playing the victim to our other 'mutual' friends etc.

    I was now officially done. No ill feelings any more. Just, done. Wish him the best (I might always care for him/his better qualities, to a degree, but...). Closure.

    A lot of times out gut instincts in our relationships with others can be very powerful and useful.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2013 1:55 PM GMT
    venue35 saidThis thread is silly. The op asks for advice but doesn't explain what the problem is exactly. You can't b friends with someone for so long and than all of a sudden feel weird and uncomfortable around them...you are too cryptic.
    ...


    meezo said...
    I feel that he cares about himself and he is just in friendship with me for his own benefits(also there is no evidence, it is just my feeling)....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 22, 2013 3:45 PM GMT
    venue35 said
    _SAGE_ said
    venue35 saidThis thread is silly. The op asks for advice but doesn't explain what the problem is exactly. You can't b friends with someone for so long and than all of a sudden feel weird and uncomfortable around them...you are too cryptic.
    ...


    meezo said...
    I feel that he cares about himself and he is just in friendship with me for his own benefits(also there is no evidence, it is just my feeling)....
    yes I read that. I was referring to how he doesnt feel safe anymore


    I think that choice of word was more due to his language barrier than suggesting he feels physically unsafe. From the context of his wider posts, i'd assume he means he doesn't feel emotionally 'well' when around this person.

    If he could think of examples or explain as to why he may feel this way, that might be more helpful, but if he can't think of something solid that he is able to pinpoint and vocalise properly, the gist is still the same.
  • meezo

    Posts: 117

    May 25, 2013 10:18 AM GMT
    _SAGE_ said
    venue35 said
    _SAGE_ said
    venue35 saidThis thread is silly. The op asks for advice but doesn't explain what the problem is exactly. You can't b friends with someone for so long and than all of a sudden feel weird and uncomfortable around them...you are too cryptic.
    ...


    meezo said...
    I feel that he cares about himself and he is just in friendship with me for his own benefits(also there is no evidence, it is just my feeling)....
    yes I read that. I was referring to how he doesnt feel safe anymore


    I think that choice of word was more due to his language barrier than suggesting he feels physically unsafe. From the context of his wider posts, i'd assume he means he doesn't feel emotionally 'well' when around this person.

    If he could think of examples or explain as to why he may feel this way, that might be more helpful, but if he can't think of something solid that he is able to pinpoint and vocalise properly, the gist is still the same.


    Sage Thank you very much, this is what I mean
  • meezo

    Posts: 117

    May 25, 2013 10:23 AM GMT
    venue35 saidThis thread is silly. The op asks for advice but doesn't explain what the problem is exactly. You can't b friends with someone for so long and than all of a sudden feel weird and uncomfortable around them...you are too cryptic.
    Why do you feel unsafe around him? Does he collect tarantulas? Snakes?
    Is he into knives or guns? Does he stare at you in a weird way? Get my point?
    Use your imagination a little.


    Venue
    I understand what you are saying that "you can't b friends with someone for so long and than all of a sudden feel weird and uncomfortable around them"

    I didn,t feel comfortable from the start, but I was always saying let me give our friendship a chance may be it will work, and our friendship passed in some stable periods that is why we stayed friends for a long time, I should have end it from the start when I felt that way also there is no solid bases and evidences for my feeling as I said before
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2013 10:50 AM GMT
    The solution is a simple on. End the friendship. A negative vibe likely is not going to correct itself. You should be around people that share positive energy. One day you may understand why you feel the way you do about the friend but in the iinterim, move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2013 11:45 AM GMT
    It can be hard but try to look at it objectively (without emotion). I have been in one sided relationships, where the person will tell you what you want to hear.
    Their actions though are the real indicator.

    What would this person do if YOU wanted something ?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2013 11:49 AM GMT
    Friends come and go in life. It's just a fact. Some friends, we have for a lifetime. Others fade.

    It's o.k.

    Bear no malice. Move on. You'll be fine.

    In your case, I'm not sure I'd call what you described as a friendship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2013 12:03 PM GMT
    Okay, first of all, stop calling him friend...
    bcoz if a person is selfish an doesn't care for you & makes you uncomfortable, that person is not a friend.
    perhaps you're confusing yourself by calling him friend & it'll be more clearer for you if you look at that person from different perspective other than friend, then you'll know what to do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2013 12:06 PM GMT
    end the friendship, i mean what the point of keeping it if u are not happy with the friendship anyway!!!!ignore him and move on!!!!the answere will reveal themselves eventually!
  • musicdude

    Posts: 734

    May 25, 2013 12:06 PM GMT
    friends grow appart. its normal. maybe it'd be best if you don't go burning down bridges (ie : don't go give him a big speech about how he make you uncomfortable or what not) but maybe start spending less time with him. focus on the people in your life who you enjoy having around you
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 25, 2013 12:11 PM GMT
    I've delt with this kind of question before. Friends change over time and it is the ability to continue to relate that carries the friendship.

    This person sounds self centered. You point out that the focus appears to be on him and he isn't that concerned about you. Real friendship involved genuine concern for another person. If you perceive he has little toward you, you have your answer... phase him out and make some new (and hopefully "real" ) friends that will be there for you and for which you "feel good" spending time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2013 1:35 PM GMT
    Surely some friendships fade naturally as people physically move away from each other in a mobile society, though probably there's less of an excuse for that now than before communication became so readily at hand. And not that you ever want to wind up on someone's friend list, the evolution of the dreaded xmas card list; they might as well tell you to fuck off to your face, because, let's get real here for a moment: being listed is not quite the same thing as being called.

    At some point in the maturity of how we relate to ourselves and to others, if ever you become self-aware enough to recognize your own motivations, you might awaken to that the notion of temporary friendships as being an acceptable way to treat others is but a convenient rationalization for using people. If you figure that out before all your "friends" figure it out for you, then--at least until you start burying your friends--you might not wind up in life alone.

    Acquaintances come and go. Those who betray friendships are users. Users who think they were ever friends are delusional.

    You were so-called friends with this person for many years while it was convenient for you and now that he no longer serves in your mind those purposes you are picking out characteristics which were likely there all along and using them as an excuse to justify your actions. Everyone makes mistakes, but try to figure out your own emotions, your own mind first, to be more selective next time in picking your friends so that you do not play on someone else's emotions. They shouldn't have to pay for your mistakes.