Guy being weirdly secretive


  • May 22, 2013 12:03 PM GMT
    Asking this for a mate:

    He met a decent guy on grindr, turned out they were mutually interested in each other, and swapped numbers. Lets call the guy Ben. Ben is a closet case, previously had a long term relationship with a girl but that didn't turn out well. He also works in a field where "his friends would disown him if they found out he was gay."


    So Ben texted my friend saying good morning and all, but that only lasted a few days then it slowly died away. But then he would random text things like " I miss you" and "I want to hug you bad". When my friend asked Ben for his Facebook, Ben stopped replying. Despite they agreed to " catch up over coffee over the weekend". My friend took it as he's no longer interested, and forgot about it. Then Ben would text and say that he's sorry, because he forgot it was Mother's Day, and my friend shrugged it off like it was a lame excuse. Ben, however, texted my friend 3 days in a row, despite getting no reply. My friend eventually gave in and agreed to meet.

    The date went really well. They had coffee, but Ben was very scared of PDA and wouldn't hug, only shake hands. Ben then invited my friend over to his place and "chill". My friend politely rejected it, but tells him he's interested in meeting up again. Ben then asked my friend not to " ditch him" and " please text him".

    They eventually agreed to have lunch at bens place. But when my friend asks for bens address ( so he could get there) Ben stopped replying again. Calls were unanswered

    Any input would be appreciated. I couldn't really help him out, as I've never been in a similar situation. Thanks.
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    May 22, 2013 12:14 PM GMT
    Your friend needs to dump this guy....plain and simple! This Ben guy is playing emotional games with your friend. The following from your post sends red flags all over the place and tells me that this Ben guy might be dealing with emotional instability:

    Ben then invited my friend over to his place and "chill". My friend politely rejected it, but tells him he's interested in meeting up again. Ben then asked my friend not to " ditch him" and " please text him".
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    May 22, 2013 12:37 PM GMT
    Lovehidemelody said
    They eventually agreed to have lunch at bens place. But when my friend asks for bens address ( so he could get there) Ben stopped replying again. Calls were unanswered

    Any input would be appreciated. I couldn't really help him out, as I've never been in a similar situation. Thanks.

    I've been in exactly that same situation, and it's classic behavior for a closeted and scared gay, basically what's he's already told your mate himself. The closeted guy puts up "firewalls" to protect against his gay contacts blowing his straight cover. No addresses, limited contact phone numbers & email, meeting only in "safe" places, being elusive about personal background, sudden changes of plans, not even the hint of PDAs.

    They really crave gay company, but are frightened its discovery will lead to negative consequences for them in their straight lives. The alternative could be that Ben's playing emotional games as Erik101 suggests, but this situation shouts "closet case" to me.

    But in either situation walking away might be the best response. I've tried dating closet cases and it was very frustrating and not very rewarding. You get drawn into playing along with their public deceptions and severe limitations on what you can say or do around others. And with no guarantee the long-term future won't be more of the same, no prospect for having a real BF and certainly not a partner.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    May 22, 2013 12:40 PM GMT
    I agree with Erik and Deco.

    Classic closet behaviour.

    Your friend needs to dump the guy, he's a time waster and it'll only end badly if your friend wastes more of his time.

    Sometimes it just ain't right, no use trying to force it.

    Loz