Has anyone lost their best friend?

  • Fritter

    Posts: 1696

    May 24, 2013 12:58 PM GMT
    I am posing this question to maybe find a little solace in others who have experienced the same. 3 years ago this past Monday, my best friend since high school (25+years) passed away when his work truck rolled. 3 years on, I'm still having my breakdowns of crying etc. I'm always thinking about him, or being reminded of our friendship. I did notice that the majority of postings on his facebook page since his passing have been made by me. I would like to know if I'm just experiencing normal healthy grieving, or am I getting too fixated, and need to learn to let go of it some more. Any thoughts would be helpful.
    Thanks guys
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    May 25, 2013 2:14 AM GMT
    I'm sorry for your loss...
    I think it's quite normal, There are people who mourn for their beloved even after decades.
    About the fb posts, what you're doing is normal, you're trying to contact him though he is no more, just like loved ones go to the cementery to place flowers, give messages, to remind themselves of special moments, to talk... am I right? I think I am.
    It is unimaginably painful when you realize that someone you love is no more.
    But as time goes on, we have to build up strength all by ourselves to overcome the grieving or else one day it may eat us.

    To overcome this, try to look at the basic facts and accept them.
    1. Your friend passed away, and never going to come back, no matter how hard you cry or how emotional you get...this is true.
    2. Don't look for If's (If I was there, If there was a hospital nearby, if he had taken a leave, etc.,.) whatever happened is happened, no one can go to past and change its course & you have to realize that there is no point in arguing with 'If's' it only causes more pain to you.
    3. As long as you have memories of your friend, he's still alive, alive in you.
    4. Your friend doesn't want you to cry for him, all he wishes is for you to be happy.
    5....
    Though it's painful, it is also inevitable...accept it and move on...

    The best suggestion I could give you is...go to service
    -serve people who are in need, who need a helping hand just to survive, do some volunteer work for the destitute or for an orphanage, etc.
    -plant a tree and give it your friend's name, look at the tree as it grows so is your relation with your friend grows too...
    -Save an animal from slaughter or concentration camps, tell the animal that it's your friend who save it not you even though the animal doesn't understand what you're saying.

    Serve everything under the name of your friend...
    If someone asks you why you're doing this or what motivates you to do this....point them to your friend.
    If someone thanks you, give all the credit to your friend and take none for yourself.
    it makes you a lot happier both physically and mentally.

    If money or some other thing is stopping you from doing volunteer work, don't worry, do as much as you physically or financially can go...
    "Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it" -M.K.Gandhi
  • samoscratch

    Posts: 124

    May 25, 2013 4:44 AM GMT
    I lost my sister who was also my best friend 12 years ago, there will always be moments where it all seems overwhelming and you're filled with sadness.

    You do have to try to come to terms with your loss, that doesn't mean forgetting but keeping the memories alive and finding joy in that.

    3 years isn't a very long time especially if you consider the strength of your friendship. Give yourself time and allow yourself to mourn don't repress your emotions and work through it one day a time.

    It does get easier, honoring their memory is the best thing you can do.

  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    May 25, 2013 4:51 AM GMT
    I woke up this morning thinking of my best friend who died very suddenly some years back. He will always have a place. Yours will too.
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    May 25, 2013 5:08 AM GMT
    3 years is not a long time when it comes to grieving the loss of someone who was in your heart. At the same time, in reading your post, it feels like maybe you're holding onto guilt from somewhere. If true, you'll have to let that go because it will kill you.
  • Fritter

    Posts: 1696

    May 25, 2013 10:12 AM GMT
    Thank you guys, all advice offered is most welcome, and appreciated. It is good to realize that I'm just going down a natural path, and that I'm not too obsessed with it. Life does carry on though.
    Maybe I'll finnish by posting a song by a Canadian group "Default". I always think the lyrics are my friend speaking to me. icon_smile.gif

    [url][/url]
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    May 25, 2013 10:20 AM GMT
    A big hug for you...

    Big_hug_for_you_by_Dalamar_TLKfan.jpg

    You will always hold a piece of him with you. That is normal.

  • Sportsfan1

    Posts: 479

    May 25, 2013 12:20 PM GMT
    This October will be six years that I lost my best friend. We were both freshmen at the university when we met and we developed a friendship that lasted just over 34 years. Even when we lived on opposite ends of the country we managed to keep in touch and I would go every year to visit her. When she felt her biological clock ticking she paid me the highest compliment by asking me to be a donor dad. Unfortunately she had issues and could not conceive. The first year without her was the hardest. I still think about her and miss her tremendously. Life does go on and we adjust to life without our best friend. I was charged with dispersing her ashes and that helped with my being able to say good bye and accept the fact that she was gone. I believe that when we honor their memory it is a way of connecting with them. Give yourself more time. I can assure you it does get better, not the same just better.
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    May 25, 2013 1:51 PM GMT
    Yes i lost my best mate Lee a few years back, we had grown up together in the same street, we went through thick and thin the best and worst of times.

    I lost him to drugs.
    I have his picture here on my wall and it dont hurt anymore when i look at it, its a comfort.

    OP your pain will ease and trust me the sun will come out again one day.

    I promise you.
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    May 25, 2013 3:31 PM GMT
    I can't say I have been in your shoes or felt what you feel, since I have never been on a situation like this but..
    Well, I am sorry to hear about what you went and are going through. =(

    But what life has thought me - through different ways - is that time and busy daily life are the real healers, and though it may take a long time, your heart will get used to life without your friend.
    It is exactly the opposite of forgetting though, it's about granting him the right space in your heart.
    It will get better =)

    João
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 25, 2013 3:40 PM GMT
    I would say "one of my high school best friends" died 10 years ago this month. She has a heart issue after having her most recent baby. It didn't help that she had a drug issue at that point. She was a hell raiser in high school, lived a hard life in some respects. She died in her sleep.

    She occupied a special niche in my life. She was a friend, client and understood some of my "oddities". Above all, she was supportive, knew I could trust her..... I was thinking of putting one of our last pics together on Facebook in a week or two. Her birthday is this month as well.

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    May 25, 2013 8:56 PM GMT
    Yes, I too have lost a best friend. His name was Philip and we met in 8th grade when I moved up to Michigan. We became fast friends. icon_smile.gif Then during our sophomore year of High School he went on a camping trip with some classmates and came back not feeling very well. It turns out he had (excuse me for getting graphic) testicular cancer. And he missed his Junior year but the school let him slide. We graduated together in 2009 and then two years later, he passed away.

    My friends and I had thought that he had beaten it and he was doing so much better, but sadly it came back worse then before. It broke my heart when he decided to stop the chemo treatments. But a few months prior to his passing, him and a friend of mine went to Las Vegas with his oldest sister and got to see Chris Angel. I wanted so much to go to his funeral but I couldn't make in time. icon_sad.gif

    But the next day I went to his grave and sat and talked to him for a while. And even though I miss seeing him everyday, I'll cherish our memories together for a lifetime.

  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    May 25, 2013 9:00 PM GMT
    Does a dog count icon_cry.gif
  • FitGwynedd

    Posts: 1468

    May 25, 2013 9:40 PM GMT
    My dog was my best friend as I tend to prefer the company of animals to that of humans. He lives with my parents in the US, and I last saw him in September. The tuesday following Easter, he died very suddenly of undiagnosed cancer. I was in Ireland visiting friends at the time, and if I had the money to fly home in order to see him before he died I would have in heartbeat. My mum called me on facetime early in the morning and she put her iPad up to the dog and I told him how much I loved him. He opened is eyes, turned his head towards the iPad, then closed his eyes and stopped breathing. And that was it, my best friend of 8 years had been died.

    I'm still not over it. For the month afterwards I was overcome with grief and anger, and I was severely depressed. Now I find it is a lot easier to get by day to day, but I still feel very depressed about it when I am alone and have time to think, like at night when im in bed. I try and fill my life with things to do and friends but the pain never goes away. Recently I have compiled all the photos of my dog and made them the background on my phone and stuff, to remember him. I don't really anticipate the pain to ever go away, I forever lost a part of me when he died, and its not coming back. So I guess I would just say what you are going through is normal, and continue to get by day to day. I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help, but feel free to message me if you ever want to chat about it.
  • Fritter

    Posts: 1696

    May 26, 2013 12:12 AM GMT
    I am very touched by all the kind words, and the very helpful and well thought out advice. Thanks again to all of you!
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    May 26, 2013 12:25 AM GMT
    I lost a friend and the love of my life on January 26th this year. My loss is still fresh and new but I think I have a lot of the same feelings you're experiencing of not wanting to let go of the memories. The feeling of never talking to this person ever again. Something that I have started doing which is helping me still feel connected to him is I started a blog called Dearest Luke. Basically I use the blog as a way to still write letters to him. It's a way for me to release my emotions while at the same time recording my memories of him for the future. I have been writing letters to Luke a lot and it had been therapeutic for me. Even though realistically I know he's mt receiving my messages, I feel like maybe there is that one glimmer chance that those words and memories I put out online into cyber space; and maybe, just maybe, cyber space is high enough to reach heaven and Luke. It's what I have to believe and what keeps me going.
    For you, maybe try doing the same thing. Or at the very least try writing down your feelings.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    May 26, 2013 12:32 AM GMT
    Sorry for your (and everyone's) loss. My best friend committed suicide about 15 years ago. It took a long time to get over it and I still miss him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 3:21 PM GMT
    Hi! I'm very sorry for your loss. From your wriung, I can tell you were inseparable. What you're experiencing is very normal behaviour. You're grieving for someone you cherished dearly, and there isn't anything wrong with that. It's extremely hard to cope with loss, and I feel the best way to come to terms with it is by living the life that person would have wanted you to.
    I lost my favourite person, my paternal Grandmother a year ago. I've had a rocky relationship with my parents and she was the one family member who understood me well. She'd taught me to draw and paint, and to cook. Four years ago she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Though she recovered from it, a stray mosquito ended things via dengue. Sometimes I walk into her house expecting her to greet me with her smile, the smell of food wafting from her kitchen. Even though it makes me tear to just write this, I find solace in the fact that I am everything she wanted me to be. She wanted me to live to my fullest potential in every aspect of my life.
    Maybe if you do something similar, it'l help. Focus on all the good times, that helps a WHOLE lot as well. I know a majority of my post was my backstory, but I hope it helps to some extent. Take care, and keep me posted!
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    Jul 19, 2013 4:09 AM GMT
    I would suggest going to a good hypnotherapist. Hypnotherapy is the only form of therapy that works with the subconscious mind to directly change how it has perceived past experiences, as well as how those past experiences effect you in the present.

    Psychiatrists and psychologists are only capable of working with the conscious mind(unless they are hypnotherapists as well), which is useless because everything that makes the conscious mind what it is(thoughts, beliefs, actions, habits, etc...) stem from the associations held within the subconscious mind.

    If you've ever smelled a familiar food, or visited somewhere where there was emotional significance(or in this case things you used to do with your friend), you'll find that often you will spontaneously re-experience the emotions attached to said food or place. This is but one example of how many associations are in the subconscious that we aren't even aware of until they are brought up by what is known as a trigger.

    3 years is a long time to be grieving, and though it is normal to experience periods of emotional nostalgia or occasionally think of him with a hint of sadness that he is not with you, anything more than that usually tends to negatively effect how you live your life, as it fixates your mind on a past event takes your mind off the present moment, which is all we ever really have. The more you fixate on your friend the more that doing so becomes a habit. And as we all know, habits are things we do repeatedly, without much thought, whether or not we consciously consider them good or bad.

    There are many things a hypnotherapist can do to help you move on. For example death bed therapy, where in a hypnotic state you very vividly get to talk with your friend right before he died, and say all the things you ever wanted to say, and hear what he thinks about it too. Also, hypnotic self-forgiveness therapy is very effective in helping those dealing with a loss to move on, and begin living with no regrets related to the past. There are many other forms of hypnotherapy that are effective as well. Go find a hypnotherapist who is familiar with chair/deathbed therapy. It will change your life and help you move on. If you live in San Diego, I can help. It usually can be accomplished in just 3-5 sessions! I wish you all the best on your path to healing, and hope that you will take what I said to heart, as it is an issue I work with all the time.

    Jason
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    Jul 25, 2013 3:06 PM GMT
    Fritter saidI am posing this question to maybe find a little solace in others who have experienced the same. 3 years ago this past Monday, my best friend since high school (25+years) passed away when his work truck rolled. 3 years on, I'm still having my breakdowns of crying etc. I'm always thinking about him, or being reminded of our friendship. I did notice that the majority of postings on his facebook page since his passing have been made by me. I would like to know if I'm just experiencing normal healthy grieving, or am I getting too fixated, and need to learn to let go of it some more. Any thoughts would be helpful.
    Thanks guys



    On my third and final tour of Afghanistan, all my friends where killed in a road side bomb, it ruined me, anything I can help you with.
  • Born

    Posts: 23

    Sep 22, 2013 4:55 PM GMT
    The loss is not something easy to deal with. Some people get through it in a short time and some other else, need a whole of their life to overcome that feeling.
    I really know how's it feel. When i was 19 years old i lost my older brother, who was really close to me, in an accident. A few months after that i lost two of my comrades, who i always considered as my own brother and sistter.
    I took it really hard, i dropped out from the university. I started to smoke and i cry the whole day and night. even now, there is a moment when i remeber them i lost to fight the tears. But, one thing my parents and grandmother always told me before that i always remember is 'the physic may be disappear but the memories and their souls will always be with us' in our culture, it's believed that they turned back into their elements. The air, water, earth, stone or light.
    Of course, as a youngster at that time i denied it. But one day, i take a walk into the jungle around my village in an emptiness, without knowing what to do, i keep walking until i felt so tired. then when i reached the top of the hill i took a rest. Thinking! About what my family said and believe it or not i got some new understanding about death and life. my brother and friends may be left me physically but yah their memories that i keep in my heart is still exist, just like their souls that i can feel in the air or in the sunlight.
    that trip brought me back to the memories of my childhood, when we played under the canopy of the jungle's trees, tried to catch each other or playing hide and seek. then learning everything through everything.
    Yah what i can tell you is, it's like the momment when i was plying hide and seek with them, i closed my eyes, searching, struggling but in the end i will always find them.
    Just dont too hard to your self, it will make your beloved friend sad. Enjoy your life as good as you could to honour him.
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    Sep 22, 2013 5:01 PM GMT
    Senior year of high school I was riding passenger with my best friend/future roommate at A&M when we were hit head on by a hydroplaning truck. He was stuck but they were able to pull me out...I woke up in the hospital the next day and sobbed for days. Anyone who says time heals all wounds never lost anything worth having...I still get choked up about it. When graduation came around I couldn't stomach going to A&M anymore (a plan I'd had for over a year).
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    Sep 22, 2013 5:28 PM GMT
    I have known my best friend for a little over 20 years now. I know it would be extremely difficult if I ever lost him. I feel for your loss.

    It sucks but the fact is in life we all will eventually lose everything we hold dear and love. Honor and remember him but try to form new bonds with people and move forward with your life. When I think about people I lost in my life I allow myself a little time to cry and remember them, but if I find that I start getting too engulf by despair I go and do something such as working out or hanging out with people. I find that helps to get me going and focus on moving forward. Another thing that works for me is finding a slogan or quote that moves me. One such quote is from Albert Camus: "The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy". I could go on for a while why that quote is so moving for me, but I wanted to briefly show what has worked for me. What works for you may be different.