After 3.5 Years--Still Not Over Him...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 24, 2013 1:40 PM GMT
    Hi Guys!

    I'm seeking advice from guys with real LTR experience on what they did (or how long it took) for them to get over their ex'es.

    Here's some (long) background:

    I was in three-year relationship with a guy five years older than me (I'm now 44 years old--he's almost 50). I was his first serious long term relationship. He was white (I am black). He had a decent paying job (that wasn't exactly his dream job), manners, morals (and practiced them too), a great zest for life, pleasant demeanor, a killer smile, and great looks (he looks like the actor Thomas Gibson--whenever 'Criminal Minds' is on someone's television he reminds me of him so much). Fidelity was never a problem and physical abuse definitely wasn't.

    He is a licensed clinical therapist for an elementary school supported by Catholic Charities and he was raised Roman Catholic (but he's not a practicing one). He wasn't religious and he never once spoke about God when he was with me. He's out to his sister, twin brother, and friends, but not to his coworkers and the rest of his family. He is estranged from his mother and he was estranged from his twin brother for a couple of years. He also has an older brother who has a tendency toward extreme introversion. He has an elderly, very Catholic, father with whom he does get along, even though he is not out to him. I get along quite well with everyone in my family and my friends.

    He sometimes had an authoritarian type of way about him (he loves to direct) and he was quite talkative. These qualities annoyed me at times, but I loved him and they were never anything that bothered me so much that I ever wanted to part with him. He used to envy how well I got along with some of his friends and how we were able to talk about things he knew very little about.

    Our musical tastes were in pretty close alignment (James Taylor--a favorite of both of us), but there would be occasions when he would be completely annoyed with some musical choices I'd make (Roisin Murphy's music and the movie soundtrack to "Love Story"?--hardly heavy metal or rap) and he would order me to turn the music off.

    I admit that I gave him the silent treatment when he would make us late for an event (he spent a lot of time getting ready) and that I would leave suddenly when we attended an event that was just too crowded for my comfort (I mean nut-to-butt crowded---an overcrowded concert, a gay-pride parade, or other public event for example). I couldn't cope with the stress and I would just leave. These actions made him furious with me.

    He lives in Baltimore and loves the city. I don't. He couldn't understand why I disliked Baltimore so much--even after knowing that my car had bean broken into three times and damaged four times. Even after his own house had been robbed and vandalized.

    Also, because I wasn't happy with my life at the time (struggling financially and going through the stress of grad school) I wasn't in the best state to be as uplifting as he wanted me to be. He grew tired of my 'grumpiness' and he therefore dumped me. He told me that he'd always love me, but he couldn't see an 'exclusive relationship' with me. I was devastated.

    I threw him out of my house, waited a month, foolishly begged him to come back, and then he wrote me an eight-page letter about what was wrong with me (basically that I wasn't any fun and that not only do I see the glass as half empty but that I see it as "bone dry."). I was hurt by his response and I wrote back to him telling that I never want to hear from him again. This was 3.5 years ago.

    Damn it! I'm still in love with him. I don't want to contact him because finding out he's with someone else or that he's gotten over me isn't going to benefit me in the slightest. Anyway, he lives too far away to rekindle any sort of relationship. I don't want a friendship with him. I want love with him.

    By the way, I've been trying to find another relationship, but no one that excites me is interested in me. Also, no one that is excited by me has turned me on. I haven't found that mutual attraction that I had with my ex in anyone I've met so far and I do go out to gay events a lot.

    Well, anyway to wrap this up--I realize that we aren't compatible (at least from his point of view). I have not contacted him in over three years. I threw out all of the gifts and memorabilia years ago. I don't have his pictures anymore (I accidentally broke my hard drive a couple of months ago--even then I never looked at the pictures). I don't track him online. I don't contact his friends. However, he has contacted me twice over the past three years--I never responded to his calls.

    Any positive or constructive advice or insights is readily welcomed.

    Thanks for reading my long story.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 24, 2013 1:50 PM GMT
    Aristoshark saidYou've got to stop obsessing over this guy. It's over. If you want any sort of life, you have to find a way to realize this.

    Exactly this. You run on and on and on about this guy, you relationship and all sorts of minutia that ind of sounded like you are still dating.
    No one wants to go on a first date with someone who is still fixated on a past relationship. Sometimes it pays to be shallow, or at least pretend to be shallow.
    I hate when people say this, but you "need to move on." You will never ever find anyone else until you put that dead relationship in the ground.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 24, 2013 1:57 PM GMT
    This is your problem: You messed up by pretending to like James Taylor to be with a White man. Now who's going to believe a Black man likes James Taylor? icon_confused.gif

    But seriously....if he's been calling you on and off all this time, just pick up the damn phone and call him. And saying that finding out he's with someone else is not going to do you any good is not correct. This could be the closure you need to move on and stop comparing everyone to him. On the other hand, he might be single and is going to meet the love of his life tomorrow, so the longer you put it off the worse your chances get.
  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    May 24, 2013 2:02 PM GMT
    Scruffypup saidThis is your problem: You messed up by pretending to like James Taylor to be with a White man. Now who's going to believe a Black man likes James Taylor? icon_confused.gif

    But seriously....if he's been calling you on and off all this time, just pick up the damn phone and call him. And saying that finding out he's with someone else is not going to do you any good is not correct. This could be the closure you need to move on and stop comparing everyone to him. On the other hand, he might be single and is going to meet the love of his life tomorrow, so the longer you put it off the worse your chances get.



    Completely unnecessary to even mention. What a strange thing to say. icon_confused.gif

    Anyway, OP. He's tried reaching out to you. What else do u want? Why are u sitting here pining away for him, yet not contacting him?

    I think u should contact him and just talk. Don't over-compliocate the situation. He's obviouly thought about u through out the years--and you're thinking about him too, just contact him and see what happens.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 24, 2013 2:13 PM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    Import saidCompletely unnecessary to even mention. What a strange thing to say. icon_confused.gif

    Not if you consider the source.


    You people are tools. You don't even know a fucking joke when you see it.
  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    May 24, 2013 2:19 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    Aristoshark said
    Import saidCompletely unnecessary to even mention. What a strange thing to say. icon_confused.gif

    Not if you consider the source.


    You people are tools. You don't even know a fucking joke when you see it.


    Actually, you're a tool. Your attempt at humor failed.
    You're not funny.... Nice try tho.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 24, 2013 2:54 PM GMT

    Hampton, I think a little cognitive behavioural therapy would benefit you enormously; try find a psychologist or psychiatrist that can do this. It's no magic trick, it's simply talk therapy that runs your thoughts to their conclusions and in this case, would have you focus of consequences of this desire.

    Here's a small example:

    Take yourself here..and relive this for a few moments......

    "... and he would order me to turn the music off.

    I admit that I gave him the silent treatment when he would make us late for an event (he spent a lot of time getting ready) and that I would leave suddenly when we attended an event that was just too crowded for my comfort (I mean nut-to-butt crowded---an overcrowded concert, a gay-pride parade, or other public event for example). I couldn't cope with the stress and I would just leave. These actions made him furious with me.

    He lives in Baltimore and loves the city. I don't. He couldn't understand why I disliked Baltimore so much--even after knowing that my car had bean broken into three times and damaged four times. Even after his own house had been robbed and vandalized.

    Also, because I wasn't happy with my life at the time (struggling financially and going through the stress of grad school) I wasn't in the best state to be as uplifting as he wanted me to be. He grew tired of my 'grumpiness' and he therefore dumped me. He told me that he'd always love me, but he couldn't see an 'exclusive relationship' with me. I was devastated.

    I threw him out of my house, waited a month, foolishly begged him to come back, and then he wrote me an eight-page letter about what was wrong with me (basically that I wasn't any fun and that not only do I see the glass as half empty but that I see it as "bone dry."). I was hurt by his response and I wrote back to him telling that I never want to hear from him again."



    Now then, do you want to do the above again? And again and again?
    Find his 8 page letter to you ( I sure hope you didn't throw that out) and re- read it with the understanding that the person who wrote that letter is still that person.

    Are you with me so far? icon_wink.gif





  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 24, 2013 3:02 PM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    meninlove saidFind his 8 page letter to you ( I sure hope you didn't throw that out) and re- read it with the understanding that the person who wrote that letter is still that person.

    "No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it is not the same river and he is not the same man." ---Heraclitus


    Hmmm...what does that mean in reference to our OP?


    intrigued...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 24, 2013 3:39 PM GMT
    Aristoshark saidIt means there is no revisiting the past. One must move on.


    icon_wink.gif Nicely and succinctly said.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 24, 2013 3:56 PM GMT
    Is this melancholy or nostalgic feeling came spontaneously or you have feelings for him all the time?

    If it's present all along from the day you break up, try contacting him through email or write a letter, because you're still in love & if you're fortunate enough he may also.
    But, don't expect anything good...he may also be not interested in you.

    If it's spontaneous, like you're having these feelings for the past few days or months, there might be some other reason...
    Like something is troubling you, this may led you to think about past happy moments and voila! He popped up into your thoughts from nowhere.
    Look into yourself for what causing you to feel sad...& try to find a solution.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    May 24, 2013 4:24 PM GMT
    You're living in a fantasy world .... WAKE UP and take off the rose colored glasses!
  • TheBigB79

    Posts: 40

    May 24, 2013 9:33 PM GMT
    3.5 years is a long to not be over someone when you've really not had any contact with him. Given the way things ended, I agree that you're probably idealizing the whole thing. Not saying that it wasn't a good relationship but prob not the perfect thing to be lamenting over still. It always sucks when someone tells you that you aren't right for them but then you have to realize that in the long run its best for you both. Even if you think the other guy might be perfect for you, he will be unhappy which makes everyone miserable.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 13, 2013 2:01 AM GMT
    Thanks to all who gave their input on my situation. Believe me when I say that, if I knew what it would take (that actually works) to move on, I certainly would have done it. I really don't enjoy dwelling and ruminating about my ex. I will certainly consider cognitive behavioral therapy as one of you suggested. I'm not sure I'd call him back as another had suggested. I fear that will just make me feel as bad as that day he told me he wanted to break up with me. I'm tired of feeling bad and I tend not to believe in the concept of closure anyway.

    I often think that if I simply met a guy who liked me and who turned me on as much as (or more so than) my ex boyfriend, much of this nonsense I feel about my ex would vanish. I could then focus on the present and the future without so much effort. But finding that guy is the hardest part.

    Yeah, I know some of you will say that I can do fine by myself, but I've been myself most of my adult life. It isn't as if I just jump into relationships just avoid loneliness.

    Well, anyway, thanks again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jun 13, 2013 2:16 AM GMT
    I see that you are afraid to contact him, in fear of what might to come. But, honestly maybe you should just find out. If he isn't with anyone, good for you, you can try to rekindle what was lost, but if he is with someone, maybe it's for the best for you. Sometimes you need to hit complete rock bottom for a newer stronger person to rise from the ashes of your former self.

    My other two advice.

    Don't complain

    and Don't cry.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Jun 13, 2013 2:29 AM GMT
    Aristoshark saidYou've got to stop obsessing over this guy. It's over. If you want any sort of life, you have to find a way to realize this.


    Excellent advice from Orca.
  • drakutis

    Posts: 586

    Jun 13, 2013 2:45 AM GMT
    As someone who totally understands where you're coming from, it's so easy to say "move on". The factor that's missed is "you're still in love". Love is not that easy to kill nonetheless die. Especially when you know you did wrong (and I'm not judging, just going by your words and the vibe I get from you). I won't go into it but I'm in the same situation and we talk every day. I feel he's the love of my life. And he's with someone else now. But all we talk about is us. Not the most healthy situation, I know.

    You should reach out. If you can't call, try a heart felt email. That way it's out there and if he responds great, if not you have your answer. Good luck!
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Jun 13, 2013 3:09 AM GMT
    Everybody's advicing you to move on.. which is good advice.. but you've been doing that for 3.5 years. You could continue to do this, or perhaps is time to satisfy your curiosity and see if there's still anything there. Make some contact, but be prepared to find out he's with someone else, or just not interest in contact with you. Perhaps then you'll truly find out if he's your future or if he's just your past.