To DL to Give up.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2013 6:55 PM GMT
    Heres my problem..
    I met a guy on this site some months ago, We REALLY hit it off the first time meeting and really just hang out and talked for hours. what went from there felt really amazing we'd miss eachother and when finally got together it felt like it was made to be. He has been the sweetest guy ive ever meet and told me thing thats led me to fall really fast for him....
    Heres the twist
    We are both DL him being VERY DL with a girlfiend NOW which he started dating on valentines day (leaving me pretty hurt) . Prior to the girlfriend I told him if that were to happen I wouldn't talk to him cause its not morally right to me.
    I cant get over him and recently stopped all contact.
    last thing he told me was that he has real "feelings" for her. yet told me this will be his last girlfriend when it ends.
    He is an amazing guy and I understand what hes going thur is tuff. but I miss him....and after I said some really hurtful things to him OUT OF FRUSTRATION im not sure if anything will ever happen between us.
    should I just move on?
    Would like some opinions on this matter
    Thanks in advance.

  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    May 25, 2013 7:25 PM GMT
    I'd move on. He's not ready to be in a relationship with you, and unless you're okay with pining for him while you put your life on hold, you'd do better by seeking someone else out of the 7 billion of us on earth who is compatible AND ready for you icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2013 7:40 PM GMT
    Thats seems to be the most logical thing to do....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2013 8:45 PM GMT
    Heres my problem..
    I met a guy on this site some months ago, We REALLY hit it off the first time meeting and really just hang out and talked for hours. what went from there felt really amazing we'd miss eachother and when finally got together it felt like it was made to be. He has been the sweetest guy ive ever meet and told me thing thats led me to fall really fast for him....
    Heres the twist
    We are both DL him being VERY DL with a girlfiend NOW which he started dating on valentines day (leaving me pretty hurt) . Prior to the girlfriend I told him if that were to happen I wouldn't talk to him cause its not morally right to me.
    I cant get over him and recently stopped all contact.
    last thing he told me was that he has real "feelings" for her. yet told me this will be his last girlfriend when it ends.
    He is an amazing guy and I understand what hes going thur is tuff. but I miss him....and after I said some really hurtful things to him OUT OF FRUSTRATION im not sure if anything will ever happen between us.
    should I just move on?
    Would like some opinions on this matter
    Thanks in advance.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 25, 2013 8:45 PM GMT
    Heres my problem..
    I met a guy on this site some months ago, We REALLY hit it off the first time meeting and really just hang out and talked for hours. what went from there felt really amazing we'd miss eachother and when finally got together it felt like it was made to be. He has been the sweetest guy ive ever meet and told me thing thats led me to fall really fast for him....
    Heres the twist
    We are both DL him being VERY DL with a girlfiend NOW which he started dating on valentines day (leaving me pretty hurt) . Prior to the girlfriend I told him if that were to happen I wouldn't talk to him cause its not morally right to me.
    I cant get over him and recently stopped all contact.
    last thing he told me was that he has real "feelings" for her. yet told me this will be his last girlfriend when it ends.
    He is an amazing guy and I understand what hes going thur is tuff. but I miss him....and after I said some really hurtful things to him OUT OF FRUSTRATION im not sure if anything will ever happen between us.
    should I just move on?
    Would like some opinions on this matter
    Thanks in advance.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2013 10:23 PM GMT
    It sounds like your friend has some things to figure out for himself right now. I'd say move on from him temporarily without completely cutting him off. Let him know you're there as a friend if he ever needs you, but don't wait around for him. If he breaks up with his girlfriend then things might change, but live your life as if that's not going to happen. I definitely wouldn't cut him off completely though if your feelings are that strong for him. Hate to lose him forever and miss an opportunity down the road. But it is obvious nothing is going to happen seriously on his end at least in the short term, so give him to the girl and let him figure himself out right now.

    Not sure if this makes sense at all, but thought I'd try providing some input.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2013 11:05 PM GMT
    DL = Deceitful Loser

    First of all, I can't believe people still use that term. "DL" is all about deceit and it will never lead to a long lasting, fulfilling relationship. It all stems from shame of who you are. Until you address this inappropriate shame, you'll never be happy.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 25, 2013 11:48 PM GMT
    drama
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 25, 2013 11:49 PM GMT
    Scruffypup saidDL = Deceitful Loser

    First of all, I can't believe people still use that term. "DL" is all about deceit and it will never lead to a long lasting, fulfilling relationship. It all stems from shame of who you are. Until you address this inappropriate shame, you'll never be happy.


    Being DL should be temporary. Its ok if someone is not out while dating. But after time goes by if you love someone deeply, then family and neighbors eventually shouldn't matter.

    The whole girlfriend thing is not forgiveable. You should be selfish in your expectations. He is boning the girlfriend while you dream of him. Go find someone else to be happy with, with the mutual understanding about being in the closet.
  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    May 26, 2013 12:10 AM GMT
    English is not my first language, so I'll put that out there. But .......

    When I first learned the term "on the down low" I was in college in Chicago. It was a term I believe was originated by black men reflecting that they were in the closet and any mansex they did was covert: they were in the closet to the fullest extent. I didn't learn that it was inherently about cheating on a girlfriend or wife; it was just that they were in a culture that was particularly unaccepting of gay men.

    So I would separate that aspect and say that, in my opinion, the guy the OP was involved with was clearly not ready to commit, either to any individual or probably also to his self-style (being gay or being bi). The latter is a journey every one of us as gay or bi men has traveled, and unless there's something new in the world, there's no formula for getting from the conventions of society and the way they were imprinted on us as children and the way society remains generally mixed and iffy on acceptance, then it's a journey each of us travels alone.

    We have increasing support and acceptance, though surprisingly some of the non-acceptance comes from within our own ranks. Our brethren who think men who aren't out are traitors or mentally ill or both are more destructive to our culture than the homophobes and homo-haters. But I digress.

    The OP's guy clearly is on his journey (though he may have taken a wrong turn!), but that's the down low part. What's not the down low part is his desire to have a girlfriend AND sex with OP (or other men?), obviously dishonestly if he's truly on the down low and, therefore, not honest with the girlfriend.

    So I'd say it says something about the down low guy's character that he'd cheat, but as far as being on the down low about being gay, well I, for one, hope he figures it out and gets to a place where he's comfortable - straight, gay or bi. But the OP seems like a good guy, and he should move on to someone with more honesty in his character - he deserves a man like that.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    May 26, 2013 12:12 AM GMT
    DL is trouble
    You shouldn't even be messing around with DL guys or if you are DL yourself

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2013 12:16 AM GMT
    Are the two of you shepherds, by any chance?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2013 2:19 AM GMT
    I did NOT know there were levels of Down Low-ness--thanks for that.

    Did know there are rules to being with a man on the DL and you're breaking all of them.

    He's freaking hot as hell and has told you the new girlfriend has an expiration date--he needs to validate his status for a short while; of witch, you should be more understanding.
    You know how hard it is to find a guy like him on this site...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2013 2:27 AM GMT
    ummm...

    while I feel sorry for you, at least you know what's going on. He is, at least, being open and honest with you (sort of?). His new girlfriend is completely out to lunch and is gonna get fucked over real big.

    If you want to wait - wait. But don't nag him or become obsessive - live your own life. The decisions you make are yours and yours only. Dig down real deep and make a choice then stick with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2013 2:34 AM GMT
    I'd work at talking again and try to figure out where you both stand, if you're both ready for a relationship and where you ultimately would like one to lead. Finding a genuine connection with someone, which it sounds like you did, is rare and I'd say you should pursuit it.

    It definitely sounds like you're wanting something more long term and more serious, he might want the same thing, just nervous about committing, which, in turn, might be why he jumped at a girlfriend and then put an expiration date on his relationship with her.

    In short; I'd just get him to talk; get him to understand that you do want something a little more committed and you're not looking to be "second choice" , or "on the back burner"- let him know where you stand and what you're looking for.

    Because it's easy to say "move on" but what you really reallllllyyyyy don't want is to be comparing him to other guys you meet and thinking about "what if" and short-changing everyone else down the road cause it's not "him"


    My ten cents anyways...

    Best of luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2013 2:35 AM GMT
    I know you enjoy each other.

    Lopsided DL relationships are toxic, IMHO. Ultimately, he is being selfish. This will lead to blocking his number on your cell provider, and it just isn't worth the pain.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    May 26, 2013 3:03 AM GMT
    Trolls gunna troll.....