Love Life & Parents

  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    May 26, 2013 1:54 AM GMT
    So I've already come out to my parents but it's still kinda awkward. I don't talk about dates or men I have meet with them at all. They don't ask either. My dad still makes comments about women when we are alone. My mom used to say things relating to me meeting or marrying a girl but she doesn't do that anymore. I know they know I am gay, that's no question but it's like they just don't really wanna deal with it too much,

    I guess it won't be such a big deal till I discuss a guy I like or even bring him to meet them. Anyone else have this with their parents? I consider myself fairly close to them but have always steered away from really discussing my love life and I assume they don't really wanna know either. They know my friends though.
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    May 26, 2013 6:47 AM GMT
    You could find a good book about advice for gay parent to offer them.
    It could open the communication gate. They are not sure if the subject is taboo, and you are not sure either.
    Talking about the book content, and what part of it the three of you agree and disagree with would allow you to talk about homosexuality without being too personal at first.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    May 26, 2013 6:53 AM GMT
    I think that's very typical, and I can relate. I've been out to my parents half my life, I've been with my bf for nine years. Yet the idea of my family coming to our wedding gives me cold feet!!!icon_neutral.gif
  • monet

    Posts: 1093

    May 26, 2013 7:04 AM GMT
    I have kids your age and I can 100% guarantee that your parents don't want to hear about your sex life (just like you probably don't want to hear about their sex life either).
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    May 26, 2013 7:08 AM GMT
    monet saidI have kids your age and I can 100% guarantee that your parents don't want to hear about your sex life (just like you probably don't want to hear about their sex life either).


    How about seeing them kiss at their wedding?
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    May 26, 2013 8:02 AM GMT
    monet saidI have kids your age and I can 100% guarantee that your parents don't want to hear about your sex life (just like you probably don't want to hear about their sex life either).


    OP never mentioned the word sex in his post..

    I went to my mom for advice when my "bf" and I broke up. She said maybe it's just a phase. -__-
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    May 26, 2013 11:23 AM GMT
    sometimes it just takes a long time for parents to get it.

    my mom currently lives with my bf and I. she's civil and nice and evreything towards us, but she never will be fully happy .... doubt that she will come to our wedding whenever that'll happen. you can't force 'em to be happy, all you can do is be yourself and make yourself happy.
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    May 26, 2013 11:25 AM GMT
    willular saidsometimes it just takes a long time for parents to get it.

    my mom currently lives with my bf and I. she's civil and nice and evreything towards us, but she never will be fully happy .... doubt that she will come to our wedding whenever that'll happen. you can't force 'em to be happy, all you can do is be yourself and make yourself happy.


    that must be pretty awkward having your mom there if she doesnt fully accept y'all D:
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    May 26, 2013 11:47 AM GMT
    Dad's pretty open about sexuality, warning me to play safely until I find the right guy and expressing his wishes that I fall in love again and he's the one who brings up the topic. Mom was completely accepting of my sexuality but considered discussing sex to be crass. She introduced me to my first 10-year guy, later she would fly me up to his funeral, and she even expressed sadness for me when I grieved my 2nd 10-year bud which was towards the end of her suffering Alzheimer's. I was somewhat surprised she still knew him, her brain had so deteriorated by then, that her acknowledgement made me cry to know my life was still very much in her mind.

    My brother's a bit prudish and rarely if ever mentions on his own anything about my being gay. He would, however, welcome a new partner of mine into the family and he has freely expressed that.

    My friends interact with me similarly. Some never mention my being gay and others ask me if I'm dating yet, expressing their wishes for me to find love and be happy.

    People's social conditioning of how they interact with others is not always directly reflective of how they feel inside. Just as we can be civil even while seething, we might seem cool though a warmth glows inside.
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    May 26, 2013 12:23 PM GMT
    How many years did it take you to accept your sexuality? And then to be comfortable saying out-loud "I'm gay"? A long time, right?

    Your parents need the same.

    It became easier to discuss dating after I'd brought my first b/f home to meet my mum.

    I actually ended up moving in with that boyfriend in his parent's house for 3months. We shared a single bed.

    They were really great about it. My hubby and I are regular overnight visitors at my folks' place. My mum came to our civil partnership - probably the first time she saw me kiss a man. (I don't have a good relationship with my Dad - nothing to do with the gay)
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    May 26, 2013 12:40 PM GMT
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    May 26, 2013 2:15 PM GMT
    m4rf_ said
    willular saidsometimes it just takes a long time for parents to get it.

    my mom currently lives with my bf and I. she's civil and nice and evreything towards us, but she never will be fully happy .... doubt that she will come to our wedding whenever that'll happen. you can't force 'em to be happy, all you can do is be yourself and make yourself happy.


    that must be pretty awkward having your mom there if she doesnt fully accept y'all D:


    it is. she's civil and nice and all. but i know us cuddling up on each other on the couch makes her feel awkward. likewise when we talk about life plans together she never really says anything supportive/positive. she just doesn't say anything at all.
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    May 26, 2013 3:03 PM GMT
    In an amazing turn of events my mother who lives in 1959 lol fell in love with my handsome sweet fiancée.So even though she can be a bitch from hell..she really has accepted him.Ry
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    May 26, 2013 3:06 PM GMT
    WickedRyan saidIn an amazing turn of events my mother who lives in 1959 lol fell in love with my handsome sweet fiancée.So even though she can be a bitch from hell..she really has accepted him.Ry


    that's awesome to hear!
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    May 26, 2013 3:22 PM GMT
    After over 11 years of my mother calling my man: "your roommate," I actually had some what of a break through when I called her on mother's day.
    Stating how hard it was to find a house to rent in our new city, she asked if I thought it was because we were a gay couple.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    May 26, 2013 3:28 PM GMT
    My mom asks about my dating life quite frequently. I used to think that this would NEVER happen, however times have changed, my parents certainly have come around and all that good stuff. It did take some time, but eventually they came around and it's no problem discussing my dating life to them really. It's not really that big of a deal.

    So, my mom yes. My dad-- not so much, but then again my Dad isn't a "lets talk about your love life" type of person toward anyone. so that doesn't bother me. All he says is "I just want u to be happy".... and thats enough for me.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    May 26, 2013 3:55 PM GMT
    It's one thing for parents to 'know' you're gay, it is another thing to BE gay. That is, feel confident and comfortable being yourself around them, which will include being yourself with your lover with them. It can be thought of as another level of 'coming out'.

    It's fucked up because our society has little to no roll modeling for it. When straight guys get married, it is the union of two families (or so we're told). But, often times, it isn't until the birth of the first grand child that the couple are seen as truly independent of their parents. And all that is *with* the whole hetero-normative socialization we've been subjected to.

    It all depends on the individuals involved, of course, but as a general rule this whole problem boils down to the question, how can we (a family) truly be and accept ourselves and one another when who and what we are doesn't fit the social norms? On one hand it is a daunting challenge. Then again, it can be looked at as an opportunity to create something new.

    A family powwow about this might be helpful. It might take more than one. The suggestion of a book that brings up issues to discuss could also be useful.
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    May 26, 2013 3:59 PM GMT
    gayinterest saidHow many years did it take you to accept your sexuality? And then to be comfortable saying out-loud "I'm gay"? A long time, right?

    Your parents need the same.

    It became easier to discuss dating after I'd brought my first b/f home to meet my mum.

    I actually ended up moving in with that boyfriend in his parent's house for 3months. We shared a single bed.

    They were really great about it. My hubby and I are regular overnight visitors at my folks' place. My mum came to our civil partnership - probably the first time she saw me kiss a man. (I don't have a good relationship with my Dad - nothing to do with the gay)



    Very wise. Most people are the same in my situation, also. They're allowed to be uncomfortable about it, as long as there's no rudeness involved. And when I say rudeness, I mean it from both sides, not just them. Think of it as if you had a girlfriend or wife that made everyone uncomfortable, the reaction is the same. The difference is that if your man is nice and good, they will become more comfortable with time. Just don't expect everything to be perfect, because then you'll be disappointed.
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    May 26, 2013 4:27 PM GMT
    Parent all handle it differently depending on their social circle, how long you've been out and their religious beliefs but eventually I think most will come around. My step-mother thinks it's great that I found someone and I'm very open about what we do (socially) but her actual son (who's also gay) doesn't tell her anything, leading her to question every person she knows. It's all about comfort and I'd say for the OP, that when you find someone and date them for a while, maybe their attitude will change after getting to know him.
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    May 26, 2013 4:34 PM GMT
    MikeW saidIt's fucked up because our society has little to no roll modeling for it. When straight guys get married, it is the union of two families (or so we're told). But, often times, it isn't until the birth of the first grand child that the couple are seen as truly independent of their parents. And all that is *with* the whole hetero-normative socialization we've been subjected to.


    True and that works at a subconscious level. But it hurts. I noticed it very much twice in my life when I was widowed but was not treated as a widow by most of the people who love me. And even among those who did, that special treatment faded quickly. Str8 people get support for years for that including support groups and encouragement from family members to attend them. I didn't even get a covered tuna casserole.

    All these years later I still identify as widow. I recently visited my first dead guy, 20something years since burying him, and I cried like a baby, like I just lost him that day. The relationship in my heart and mind continues. So many of us never again identify as single the way we once did. Sometimes I feel so crapped on even by my own community. Where on RealJock's profile is the checkmark for widow? Until our community treats us with the same humanity we offer up to str8s we need to be careful on how we critique their progress.
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    May 26, 2013 6:25 PM GMT
    That's sad.
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    May 26, 2013 7:28 PM GMT
    More than sad. Infuriating.


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    May 26, 2013 7:30 PM GMT
    monet saidI have kids your age and I can 100% guarantee that your parents don't want to hear about your sex life (just like you probably don't want to hear about their sex life either).


    All relationships are not solely about sex. It would be nice if he could share parts of his life with his parents. It's how relationships grow and deepen.
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    May 26, 2013 8:38 PM GMT
    theantijock said
    MikeW saidIt's fucked up because our society has little to no roll modeling for it. When straight guys get married, it is the union of two families (or so we're told). But, often times, it isn't until the birth of the first grand child that the couple are seen as truly independent of their parents. And all that is *with* the whole hetero-normative socialization we've been subjected to.


    True and that works at a subconscious level. But it hurts. I noticed it very much twice in my life when I was widowed but was not treated as a widow by most of the people who love me. And even among those who did, that special treatment faded quickly. Str8 people get support for years for that including support groups and encouragement from family members to attend them. I didn't even get a covered tuna casserole.

    All these years later I still identify as widow. I recently visited my first dead guy, 20something years since burying him, and I cried like a baby, like I just lost him that day. The relationship in my heart and mind continues. So many of us never again identify as single the way we once did. Sometimes I feel so crapped on even by my own community. Where on RealJock's profile is the checkmark for widow? Until our community treats us with the same humanity we offer up to str8s we need to be careful on how we critique their progress.


    That brought a tear to my eye. I'm sorry for your loss(es), and for my contribution to overlooking your suffering.

    OP, theantijock's first post demonstrates the wide range of responses people can have to learning their loved ones are gay. My parents are the same as yours, and I think it's a pretty common way for parents to deal with their disappointment.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    May 26, 2013 11:54 PM GMT
    Well my dad has told me about his sex life when he was my age for some reason lol It actually wasn't awkward at all. In fact, it kinda made me see him in a different light, it was pretty cool really. I didn't find it gross because he was willing to share things about his life to show me that, yah, I was a kid once too.

    My mom has never been that open to me about her life really. And I know there's a lot of deep shit and I understand her reasoning for not sharing.

    The whole thing got kinda worse when they found out I was positive. Now they are pretty protective and I kinda feel like they have a resentment toward gay men now.

    I guess when I meet a great guy, I will tell them about him and they should understand as long as I am happy, etc. I guess if they ask about anything I would tell them as it pertains to dating and meeting guys.

    We've actually never really had the talk about when I meet a guy I love and what would happen. There has never been the vocabulary of "when you settle down with someone" or "find a guy" etc