Should a guy leave his wife and children for another man?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 17, 2007 9:56 PM GMT
    I think so, for another man or women for that matter. If you are looking elsewhere, it is because something is wrong at home. I say get out if that is the case! Integrity.

    Same goes for gay relationships, not working get the hell out if you have the urge to screw around!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 18, 2007 2:01 PM GMT
    i strongly disagree on two points:

    a) if there were no children, ok, it's tolerable

    b) marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment

    .......

    now for the discussion.

    for (a) i don't care who the hell you think you are, if you brought a child into the world, you better damn well provide ALL the parts of being a GOOD father until he or she moves out. abandoning your kid is one of the most shameful things on my list.

    as for (b), nobody can say they "just realized" they like the dick five years into a heterosexual marraige. that's like trying to say a 30yr old guy just figured out he likes an orgasm 20 years after puberty hit. unless you've been in a coma, even if you internalized homophobia, you still got turned on by it. that's still not an excuse for breaking a commitment.

    if you don't have the backbone to keep your word, then you shouldn't have given it in the first place.

    now before i get flamed think about it.

    yes there are reasons for getting out of a relationship, but i said relationship, not marriage. if you aren't dead solidly sure that this person was right for you for the rest of your life, then you shouldn't have given the oath of a lifelong commitment.

    a lot of people probably get twitchy about what i just said, but i'm a firm believer in a man's word. what the hell good are you if you can't keep your word? you're like a new toy made out of plastic that breaks the day after christmas.

    that's the whole point of dating and having a relationship before saying "i do." -- figuring out if you two are right for each other.

    that's my opinion :)

    have a great day
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 18, 2007 2:58 PM GMT
    There's a difference between a state- and church-sanctioned marriage. I do not believe going to the courthouse to get married requires you to vow lifelong commitment. Even if it is part of the ritual, it's obviously pro forma, since the state authorizes divorce. Should we return to outlawing adultery?

    People make many commitments that require alteration over time. If you're lucky enough to see into the distant future or think a verbal commitment is more important than behavior, cool.

    I would say, though, that it seems pretty natural in a LTR to fall in love, out of love, back in love, etc. So, I think it's important to give that cycle time to assert itself before rushing into divorce/separation.

    Making a relationship contingent upon monogamy is anyone's choice, but there is no "wrong" about making another choice if both parties agree.

    For many of us, after being with someone a long time, sex becomes the last reason we remain in a relationship. When other things assume primacy, jealousy tends to disappear for the most part, too, and outside sex becomes a relatively trivial indulgence. A lot of otherwise good relationships are sacrificed because of sexual chilling.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 18, 2007 3:22 PM GMT
    FireFighter, I would agree with everything you said in an ideal world, where everyone marries for the right reasons. I think what you are unfortunately advocating is that the husbands continue to lie to their spouse. This only delays the eventual revelation, and by continuing the pattern of lies even more, worsens the eventual hurt. I think these guys know they are interested in other men when they marry, but they likely do have a genuine attraction to their wife, too. Probably even real feelings of love. I am sure its partially due to internalized homophobia, but I think these guys really think they can make it last. The problem is, dishonesty is poison in relationships, and eventually there will be problems.

    I think the question of divorce comes down to the wife's reaction, and the nature of the relationship. She'll might flip out at the revelation, and divorce and try and take the kids. She might be unsuprised, but still want a divorce. If the marriage is a long one, she might even stay, but open the relationship (I would not advocate this with a negative reaction). I have heard of couples where the wife even participates in threesomes with her husband, or just let him mess around on the side. Ultimately, I think the decision to divorce or not to is up to the wife. I think the husband's wishes will have little to do with it.

    Growing up, I knew far too many kids in high school who's parents stayed together "for the children." Home was a warzone, and the best thing their parents could have done "for the children" is divorce and do joint custody. Divorce doesn't mean the kids are abandoned; to paraphrase Mrs. Doubtfire, sometimes its easier for parents to love their kids if they don't have to be around each other as much.

    I would say, if you don't get along, and you don't think you can fix it, divorce, for your children's sake!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 18, 2007 4:11 PM GMT
    My two answers to the last two replies.

    if it's not marriage, then don't get married. a lot of states have laws of multiple year prison sentences in addition to the federal USC that makes adultery a crime and the US military also makes adultery a crime.

    a relationship does change over time but i don't believe in breaking your oath except for very strong circumstances. as i said, these are my values. if i say "until death do us part", i expect to abide by my oath.

    additionally, i was in no way advocating lying to your spouse. i pointed out that your partner is supposed to be the person to which you could confide -everything- to.

    i'm not sure how you came to your conclusion of what i said, but i definitely mean the opposite :)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 18, 2007 4:50 PM GMT
    Yes, it's true that adultery is still criminalized by about 20 states. However, sodomy is also criminalized by a number of states that have not repealed their laws following the SC decision. Here in Georgia, arrests are still made now and then, and then they are not prosecuted. The state still gets to harras and embarass people.

    Similarly, the adultery laws are seldom enforced and when they are, they are typically overturned on appeal.

    Some of these laws are aimed specifically at women. Others, like North Carolina's (as I remember) outlaw ALL fornication between unmarried people.

    If you want to perpetuate the nanny state, enforcing these archaic laws, start a campaign.

    It's your right to impose a moral obligation about marriage on yourself. I question that it's right to impose it on others. (And I would be most interested to see those exceptions you approve of.)

    I would think the criminalization of homosexuality taught us all how cruel it is to impose our moral beliefs on the sex and love lifes of consenting others. While children may suffer because of divorce, it's well known they as often suffer because warring parents stay together. You cannot make people love one another.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 18, 2007 5:46 PM GMT
    What I was trying to point out is that if your spouse is not one that you feel you could confide your interest in men with, that in my mind becomes a reason to consider divorce. I agree with you, you should marry someone you feel you could confide anything in, but not everyone marries that person.

    The fact that someone knew about their attraction to men and married a women without telling her suggests she already fails to meet this criteria; if he felt he could confide anything in her, wouldn't the time to share this be before the marriage?

    Obviously, failing to share that you are attracted to guys before you marry a woman is enormously unfair to her. To go have children is even worse. If he comes out after all that, to expect a wife to stay in that situation is even more unfair than putting her into it in the first place.

    Since the subject came up, while I don't necessarily agree with criminalizing adultery, I still think its pretty low behavior. Honestly, hiding you sexuality is one thing. Putting the health of your wife at risk is another. There are several bathhouses in my city, and I am starting to volunteer with a HIV screening clinic in one of them. It is appalling the number of married guys who come there and don't use any protection. Putting your own health at risk is stupid; putting someone else's at risk without their knowledge is criminal in my mind. Even if you use protection, that isn't 100% and your partner has a right to know so they can make their own decisions about protecting themselves. If you can't talk about these things with your partner and choose to go behind your back, I would really question why you stay in the relationship.

    Just my two cents about the bathhouses: I think it is fair to say that (even with the free condoms) the men at the bathhouses are taking far more risk sexually than I (or I think many of us) would be comfortable with. However, I don't think anyone can provide evidence that the men who frequent them are doing anything they wouldn't do with each other if they met on the internet. In addition, the bathhouses provide a useful venue for public health interventions that would be lacking if we closed and them and pushed everyone onto the internet, so overall I do think that they should probably stay open.

    Oh, and yes, Providence, RI has among the most liberal sex laws in the country. Legal bathhouses. Prostitution is legal if the solicitation is in private (i.e. in a "massage parlor", with an escort you paid for "companionship" and later paid for sex). Likewise, sex in adult movie theaters, booths, etc. is legal (it's private because you paid to get in). Going into the bushes at a park is legal, as long as you can't be seen or heard from a public path. The supreme court defines private as a place where a passerby would be "unlikely" to come upon you, even on public property, and our state constitution prevents the state from regulating private behavior. But I digress.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 18, 2007 7:00 PM GMT
    Oh, lest I be seen as a total nutcase, I didn't mean to suggest that I think all adultery is criminal. I just hate dishonesty, especially when it has the potential to physically hurt someone you love. If you want to go outside of the relationship, talk about it first. If something happens spur of the moment, don't lie about it or hide it. What I was objecting to was people who were going outside of their relationship with their wives (routinely) without warning her that they might be placing her at risk for an STD.

    I think that having an inflexible view on sex with other people (especially if you express it) provides your partner an excellent disincentive to tell you--if they know you'll lose your shit, they won't want to tell. If they know that you'll be understanding they will. That's why I think talking about these things in advance is important and not letting yourself get blinded by jealousy. Honestly, if you really love a person, there is more between the two of you than just the sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 18, 2007 7:33 PM GMT
    "I think that having an inflexible view on sex with other people (especially if you express it) provides your partner an excellent disincentive to tell you--if they know you'll lose your shit, they won't want to tell. If they know that you'll be understanding they will."

    I've seen this happen half a dozen times with gay clients. They seroconvert because their partners claimed to be afraid to tell them they were cheating. Holding your health hostage to a promise of monogamy -- making unprotected sex an expression of "trust" -- is dubious.

    I really have never understood what the big deal about condoms is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 18, 2007 8:26 PM GMT
    I think much of the potential heartache arises from the vow of being together for a lifetime. While it would be nice to count on someone to be there for a period of time, I would not give nor would I demand any such guarantees. I believe in considering the possibility of growing apart and being honest enough to keep each other up-to-date. The best outcome would, of course, be that the couple remains in sync and their respective developments end up complementing one another. If not, a respectful separation (before the relationship gets infected with hate) should be considered.

    Naturally, a person who flip-flops too often will be seen as having no integrity. Yet, I think we sometimes over-emphasize the sanctity of a promise made in the past; we over-glorify suffering to maintain honor or relish dealing out punishment/payback to those who renege. "Damn, I'll hold him to his word even if it kills the both of us!" We are constantly evolving, we were all young and brash and ignorant once upon a time and heck we still make mistakes that we realize only in retrospect. So a mistake was made, hearts are broken, a promise wasn't kept; you can choose to acknowledge it, take the penalties of breaking an agreement, try to let go and move forward, or let it pin you down for the rest of your life.
  • art_smass

    Posts: 960

    Mar 18, 2007 8:52 PM GMT
    "People make many commitments that require alteration over time."

    Wiser words than this have never been posted on this forum. With age comes wisdom (sometimes), and the realization that you never stop changing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 18, 2007 9:03 PM GMT
    obscenewish, please don't get me wrong or read something i didn't say :) i don't agree with state enforcement of many laws including adultry but a legal framework for recourse should be available should some cheated on in a marriage. the legal recourse being based on the legal rights and grants and obligations thereof to a marriage.

    nor am i trying to perpetuate a nanny state. i'm a firm believer that the state should be as minimal as possible and exist to support the people, not the people exist to serve the government.

    further, i thought i made clear that what i said are my moral and ethical values and they certainly may not be shared by others. we were asked a question and i said these were my answers. i'm not imposing anything on anyone.

    it is also my personal belief that a warring couple is being childish and irresponsible. if you bring a child into the world, the next ~18 years, that child's needs come before your own.

    all irreconcilable differences to support the dissolution of a marriage isn't as simple as black and white. an example i might support is a deceptive and deceitful partner that is injurious to the well being of the marriage. i.e. one partner cheating on the other, one partner stealing from the other. or a deranged partner guilty of murder.

    i'm not going to impose my values, but they are my values that i live by. people that enter into marriage should expect a mix of their values and realize that their partner will have expectations of them.

    i generally agree with the bathhouse conversation.

    as to the use of condoms and safe sex, i don't agree with the extreme of -always- wear a condom. if everyone -always- wore a condom, we'd have a generation left of humans on this earth. i have "safe sex" with my boyfriend because we don't go catch things. we don't wear a condom. it is a calculated risk that i deem as safe sex.

    is it possible for one of us to give something to the other? yes. is it probable? no. is it possible for me to get HIV from a patient spurting blood on my uniform? yes. is it probable? if i have taken standard precautions and didn't foolishly go to work with an open wound - no.

    one can get something off a public toilet, by breathing the exhalation of a TB person in the same room, by brushing up against a railing in the subway that someone previously bled against.

    but is it probable? generally no but circumstances differ and you may be the most germ phobic person on the planet and still be infected with something.

    condoms are still an awesome and highly recommended idea.

    :)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 18, 2007 9:16 PM GMT
    i agree, things change over time. however i place a high value on honesty, integrity, fidelity, and the value of your word.

    if you give me your word and dismiss it with ease, why should i place any value or trust in what you say? which goes back to my stance on marriage vows. if you don't mean them, don't say them.

    if the components of an obligation change sufficiently to warrant the dissolution, so be it. i don't agree with it being taken so cavalier.

    those are my feelings on the matter and again, they are not being imposed on anyone and everyone is has the basic right to disagree with me entirely.

    my stance on these values draws a lot of kudos and it's rare that someone takes me to task for expecting someone to -be- honest if they say they are honest, etc.

    my conscience doesn't keep me awake at night :)

    (and i'm not implying anything)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 18, 2007 10:37 PM GMT
    Yes, Firefighter, I must completely misunderstand you, because the following is not the expression of a personal point of view about how you're going to live your own life. It's a general statement about how everyone should live. It doesn't consider, just for starters, differences about what constitutes good fathering, the definition of "abandonment" and reduces disagreement to "shame":

    "for (a) i don't care who the hell you think you are, if you brought a child into the world, you better damn well provide ALL the parts of being a GOOD father until he or she moves out. abandoning your kid is one of the most shameful things on my list."

    The rest of your post is a similar generalization about the way everyone should live.

    If you want to incorporate your own moral beliefs into the law, that is assuming the role of a moral arbiter, a "nanny." I don't see how you can say that you don't want to play moral arbiter, but want people to be culpable under the law for breaking a promise to be monogamous.

    I certainly would join anyone else commending you for living your life according to your own high standards. My concern is their imposition on others who may value other principles more highly.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 18, 2007 11:43 PM GMT
    I was married and it was more an arrangement than anything else so I guess it depends on the true status of the marriage. If I was about to date a guy who was living with his wife and lying to her I would decline. If they were separated then I would consider other parties involved and decide if I could live with any disappointments that my relationship may cause to children or the estranged spouse. Too much drama, though.

    If he is lying though ... I don't believe that one persons happiness trumps anothers via deception. Lying is lying and it is not acceptable. If he lied to her, after making a vow, he will lie to me too.

    I think a person like that could make me happy ... NOT!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 19, 2007 1:34 AM GMT
    that is my opinion obscenewish. if you abandon your kid, that's how i feel about you. that doesn't mean i'm going to parade about your front yard with a poster and megaphone telling you to go take care of your kid.

    i did not say i wanted to incorporate my moral beliefs into law. i said in kind: a legal framework should exist so when the legal tenets of marriage are broken then the parties have the options of seeking recourse from each other.

    the topic of this thread is "Should a guy leave his wife and children for another man?"

    i'll repeat myself, these are my answers to this question.

    one of the facets of marriage is the legal benefits that are available, the reduced taxes, the right to make medical decisions, etc. sleeping around often leads to divorce and there's a lot of things that need sorted one side and the other. this is that framework.
  • gsh1964

    Posts: 388

    Mar 19, 2007 2:39 AM GMT
    We need to remember that everyone's life is different. You can not make a blanket statement to cover everyone and every situation.
    I admit, I am one of those men who was married and split from my wife due to the fact that I was gay.
    First off, I never lied to my ex-wife. Before we got married I informed her of my interest in men. I truly believed that could move past those feelings, because I did and still do love her on a certain level. Plus having a strong religous background I felt that God could heal me and change me. I had the love of a good woman, of course I would be able to change.
    To make along story short, I have never nor will I ever abandon my daughter. Just because we don't live in the same house 24/7, does not mean I have abandoned her. Also, my ex-wife is married to a wonderful man who treats my daughter like gold and also gives my ex-wife the commitment level, true love and sex that she has always deserved.
    So before we start making blanket judgements and statment, need to look at every situation.
    As a footnote, I took my vows to my wife very serious. I stayed faithful to her for the 11 years we were together. I never got naked or got into a sexual situation with anyone else, while we were a couple. I stayed committed to her until she decided that our life together was at the end. I owed that to her.
  • duglyduckling

    Posts: 279

    Mar 21, 2007 2:41 AM GMT
    sounds similar to the movie Brokeback Mountain. As we can see, everybody hurts if the man stays with the woman in that marriage. So why not end the pain and let everyone live a happier life with the people they love?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 22, 2007 8:28 PM GMT
    People hurt families when they try to hold onto things that simply aren't there.

    If the relationship is dead then I say do please leave before you get old and see your child on some talk show explaining the horrors of a loveless marriage and cheating.

    Kids are going to be angry no matter what. not being able to grow up with you in the house like other kids,

    but guess what pisses kids off more than anything else. Living a lie and when that marriage finally crumbles and they see you some day with a guy they're going to flip out.

    Kids do not make a relationship between a man and a woman or a man and man or woman and a woman and thats what people need to realize.

    You can't stay with someone just because you have kids. If you want to leave, you owe it to yourself and her to leave.

    When the term man comes into play it kind of distorts the over meaning.

    Would you leave your wife and kids for a woman you had fallen for if your marriage was dead and you truly no longer happy and couldn't see yourself patching it back together? If yes then its no different with a man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 22, 2007 10:24 PM GMT
    Shouldn't the question be: If a guy comes clean after "realizing" or "coming to terms with" being gay and tells the wife and kids, will the wife and kids through him out or stick it out?

    It's the wife and kids call in what happens. And I can't see any self respecting wife sticking it out for the long term.

    As pissed as everyone will likely be in the short term, the long term solution will get worked out to the benefit of everyone involved.

    Wives and kids are far more resilient to life's hurdles than they are often given credit for.

    We ALL only go through life once, no use pretending to live what you ain't!
  • gymingit

    Posts: 156

    May 22, 2007 10:45 PM GMT
    FROM A CHILDS POINT OF VIEW

    Coming from a broken home, I've always said the same things. You brought the child into this world, you should see it through. That said, there are so many other factors that must be realized.

    My mother loved me, never beat me and provided for me, but was UNABLE to be there emotionally for me. She always had migrains, working all the time and then the house along with a new husband. My mom has felt so guilty at times remembering back.

    Here's the thing, she stayed miserable due to committment and was unable to mentally focus on my brother and sister, as well as me.

    Remember I said, many other factors as well. Until you've walked in someone elses shoes......

    So sometimes you have to remember the rule; when in flight, place the mask over yourself first, then help the other person.

    It's the same with any life circumstance, if you allow yourself to me miserable, which in turn henders your personal well-being, which includes physical and not just mental, everyone suffers including the child/ren.

    My mom should have never married her second husband and my father was an ass. But she committed herself into a second marriage that was better than the first (thank God), but still wasn't what she needed and felt she had to stick things out.

    I don't expect anyone to change their mind due to what I've written, though there is a lot I didn't say, but I would like for you to just think about all the positive things that could come from two parents that can stay mentally focused on their child/ren whether than suffering in their own grief.

    Mental/physical health goes a long way for the entire family.

    Thanks Lance

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 23, 2007 12:20 AM GMT
    No way! You made your bed and now you must lie in it. Leaving the security of a wife and kids for a sexual triste will leave you empty and alone. It won't last. Especially if you are older. Older men in the gay world are eaten up like moose by mosquitos in an Alaskan bog.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 23, 2007 1:11 AM GMT
    FIRST OFF MOST OF WHAT I JUST READ DISGUST ME IN THAT SO MANY WERE SO FULL OF BLAME AND HATEFULNESS AND ALL THE DO GOODERS IT SOUNDED K=LIKE IT WOULD BE LIKE GOING IN TO THE BIGGEST BABTIST CHURCH IN THE BIGGEST CTY OR IN WASHINGTON DC AND NO JUST EXPRESSING ANSWER OR EXPIERENCES WITH SOME ONE ASKING FOR WHAT SOUNDS LIKE A DEEPLY TROUBLING SITUATION HE WAS DENOUNCED AND DEMEENED AND TOLD HE WAS NOT A REAL MAN IF HE DID THIS OR THAT. THE HELL WITH ALL YOU HYPOCRITICAL I HATE TO CALL GAY MEN. WHERE IS YOU LOVE OF A FELLOW HUMAN BEING LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT ANSWER WHICH HAS TO COME FROM IN HIM AND HIS BELIEFS! IS TI RIGHT TO KEEP A WIFE AND HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH HER KEEPING THE FACT THAT HE IS HAVING SEX WITH MEN OR WANTS TO FOR IF HE IS AND IF HE IS PUTTING HER AT RISK IN ANY WAY THEN HE IS NOT BEING FAIR TO HER AS FAR AS THE CHILDREN WE DO NOT KNOW THE AGE AND WE DO NOT KNOW IF HE IS HIDING IT OR SUCESSFULLY HIDING IT FROM THEM AND WHAT IF ONE OF THEM IS GAY AND WANTING TO COME OUT AND WHEN HE/SHE DOES FINDS OUT THAT HE HAS HID IT FROM LIED AT LEAST BY OMISSION ALL THIER LIVES AND WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT BEING GAY IT SAYS THE ONES THAT SAY WE ARE THE WORK OF THE DEVIL AND THAT WE CHOSE TO BE GAY AND THAT WE ARE NOT DESERVING OF AN OPEN FULL LIFE WITH ALL THE EQUAL TREATMEANT THAT STRAIGHTS GET THEN WE ARE DOING TO THEM AND TO HIM WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO ALL OF US ALL OUR LIVES. THERE ARE ALTENATIES AND DEPENDING ON THE WIFE AND THE AGE OF THE CHILDREN THERE ARE CHOICES THAT CAN BE MADE THAT WILL NOT HARM THE CHILDREN OR THE WIFE ANYMORE THAN HAS BEEN DONE IN THE PAST. I MEAN SO MANY SAID STUFF LIKE "GIMME A BREAK" HE DID NOT JUST WAKE UP WITH A DICK IN HIS MOUTH" HE DID NOT JUST DISCOVER IT AFTER HE WAS MARRIED " HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT IT IS EASY TO LIE TO ONE SELF EXSPECIALLY IF IT IS DRIVEN INTO YOU AS A CHILD THAT TO BE THAT WAY IS EVIL ANND SICK AND BAD. YOU ALMOST ALL OF YOU THAT I READ BEFOR I GAVE OUT IN DISGUST ARE JUST AS FULL OF HATE AND DAMNATION AS THE ONES WHO RAISED US TO HATE OURSELFES TO FEEL WE WERE NOT WORTH GOD'S LOVE (IN WHAT EVER FAITH YOU BELIEVE)MR WITH THE QUESTION I CAN ONLY TELL YOU THAT I HAVE NOT BEEN IN YOU SHOES I HAVE BEEN IN SITUATIONS WHERE THE BATTLE OF DO I SAY OR TELL I AM GAY AND I AM WORTH LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND I HID MY GAY TILL I WAS OUTTED BY HATE FROM A LOVED FAMILY MEMBER THAT HAD FOUND OUT AND THE FACT THAT IT CAME FROM SOME ONE ELSE MADE A BAD SITUATION EVEN MORE PAINFUL FOR MY FOLKS THEY WER NATURALLY DISAPOINTED TO FIND OUT I WAS GAY AND THE ADDED SHOCK AND THE PAIN THAT THEY HAD TO FIND OUT FRM SOMEONE ELSE AND THE BLAME THEY PUT ON THEM SELVES WERE MADE EVEN WORSE!I SUGGEST THAT YOU LOOK AT ALL SIDES CONCIDER ALL OF THOSE INVOLVED YOUR WIFE YOU CHILDREN AND YOUR SELF REMEMBER THAT LIVING A LIE IS JSUT AS HARD ON YOU AND WHEN THEY FIND OUT EACH DAY ONGER IS GOING TO MAKE IT EVEN MORE PAINFUL. I WOULD NOT CONSIDER IT LEAVING HER FOR A MAN OR ANOTHER WOMAN IT IS NOT ABOUT THEM I WOULD CONCIDER IT ABOUT HER AND YOU AND DO THE BEST TO BE AS HONEST AND WILLING TO ACCEPT WHAT EVER SHE DESIDES TO SAY OR DO TO YOU SHORT OF PHYSICALLY HARM YOU OR KEEP YOUR CHILDREN AWAY FROM YOU OR TURN THEM AGAINST THEY HAVE TO BE PROTECETED FROM WHAT BOTH OF YOU HAVE DONE. YOU MAY HAVE KEPT THAT YOU ARE GAY FROM HER AND SHE MAY HAVE KEPT IT FROM HERSELF. ALL THAT IS BETWEEN TWO GROWN UPS AND YOU WILL BOTH HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR CHILDREN HAVE TO KNOW THAT A IN ANY DIVORCE ( IF THAT IS WHAT YOU DECIDE) THAT IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT AND THAT YOU BOTH LOVE THEM THAT THE PROBLEM IS WHAT THE FEELINGS ARE BETWEEN YOU AND HER. BLAME EACH OTHER OR BLAME YOU SELVES BUT DO NOT VISIT THE BLAME UPON THE CHILDREN THEY NEED TO KNOW THA BOTH MOM AND LOVE THEM! I HOPE THE REST OF YOU GROW UP AND SEE THAT YOU HAVE BECOME WHAT YOU SPENT YOU LIFE HATING ONE OF THOSE THAT TOLD US WE WERE BAD EVIL AND SICK CAUSE WE WERE GAY AND IT IS FAIR GAME TO TREAT US LIKE WE ARE JUST THA BAD EVIL AND TRASH AND NOT WORTH OF LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING
    BOBBY
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 23, 2007 3:16 AM GMT
    I have a real problem with people who say in general if you get married you should never get a divorce.
    I was married for 10 years, yes I like men, but I also have been with more woman then men at the time and wanted a family.
    So I got married. It was great I loved it and would never go back and change it. I have two wonderful kids from it.
    But here is my problem....
    1. She cheated on me with my best male friend. Then she cheated on me with her best girlfriend.
    Base on what is said here, I should still be married to the woman who broke my heart by cheatting on me? TWICE.....
    Also because I like men also I should have never been married to a women to begin with?

    So my question is if you were cheated on, would you still be married, even if it was twice?
    And just so you know I forgave her and my friend then not even six months later caught her in our bed with her best friend. But like the old saying go once a cheater always a cheater.
    I feel 1000% right in the choice to divorce her and have two homes for my kids.

    Also what if the other person is beats the other? Then what you still have to stick it out with black eyes and broken bones. Because once you get married that is it. Even if he kills her? Or cheats? or ends up in prison?

    Like I said I have a problem with than general statement that if you get married it is for life. Because life is not fair easy and you can never fully trust or depend on anyone but your self....

    If you are not happy with the person you are married, and you have tried everything like going to talk with someone like I did. And you know it will not work. Then yes I feel it is ok to leave. But I warn you it is not cheap to get a divorce. Mine cost me over $25K.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 27, 2007 10:49 AM GMT
    I agree with some previous posts, especially with Gymingit....

    The kids can ALWAYS pick up misery or whatever is wrong in a marriage, no matter how much you try to hide it.

    ALL of they people I know who came from a divorce family always told me, although it was hard to go through, but in retrospect, they all wished their parents divorced EARLIER...

    IF the marriage is not working, work on it. But if it is just misery, then move on.

    A miserable marriage can get you just like addiction to a drug, you hate every min of it, but you cant step away...