Gay/Straight Double Life Stress

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    May 26, 2013 5:49 PM GMT
    I live a gay straight double life and it is very stressful. If any of you are living one, how do you cope with it? I feel bad about lying, hiding, not talking to certain people closely as I should and I feel a lot of anger towards them, then I have to find me a fake girlfriend. I can't come out to anyone, well at least not now, but what can I do about this stress?
  • psycsnacha

    Posts: 161

    May 29, 2013 3:26 PM GMT
    How often does this stress creep into your consciousness? If it's constant, then it will always be there. If you haven't heard of him, google Pastor Ted Haggard. He dedicated his life to religion and family, and I'm sure had endless happy moments and memories, yet could not suppress the unsupressable and was outted in a very public, sad manner. Learning about him pushed me to get over the DL stress and come out (took years to do).

    You must relieve the stress. There is no side-stepping that will make you feel whole. I toed the same line til I was 24. I'm sure many here have. I used many things to clutch myself while living two lives (religion, strong friends, girl friends, academics), and they were very satisfying distractions (very), yet none of those things relieved the stress completely, and not being truly connected to people can have personal and professional consequences.

    The unthinkable (loss of friends, family, social standing, etc.) will not be as extreme as you imagine.
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    May 29, 2013 3:48 PM GMT
    Thanks for your help and I can care less about my social standing.
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    May 29, 2013 3:49 PM GMT
    1. You don't have to lie
    2. You don't have to tell the truth
    3. You don't have to pretend having a fake girl friend(which is also a lie)
    4. You don't have to come out if you are not comfortable with it.

    About the stress?
    It will take care of itself if you follow the above.
    If someone asks about your girlfriend, you can tell them, I don't have any or not in a mood...it's that simple.

    Lies make life complicate, and a complicated life is a stressful one.
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    May 29, 2013 4:37 PM GMT
    Harry77851. You don't have to lie
    2. You don't have to tell the truth
    3. You don't have to pretend having a fake girl friend(which is also a lie)
    4. You don't have to come out if you are not comfortable with it.

    About the stress?
    It will take care of itself if you follow the above.
    If someone asks about your girlfriend, you can tell them, I don't have any or not in a mood...it's that simple.

    Lies make life complicate, and a complicated life is a stressful one.


    I know I don't need a fake girlfriend but I often have my sexuality questioned by my heterosexual peers. I try to appear and seem straight, and even be as "normal acting" as I can but somehow it's always questioned and I need to enforce the illusion that I'm straight. But I also hate lying but the lie can be temporary however and end icon_smile.gif
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    May 29, 2013 4:38 PM GMT
    QuasarMarauder7 saidI need to enforce the illusion that I'm straight


    Why?
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    May 29, 2013 4:41 PM GMT
    showmeQuasarMarauder7 saidI need to enforce the illusion that I'm straight


    Why?


    Even though I say I am straight and act as masculine as I can before my heterosexual counterparts, a lot of them still question my sexuality, and ask if i'm gay several times. It's like no matter what nothing works.
    images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQJwCEySKkJJAW1gsGsgQk
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    May 29, 2013 4:43 PM GMT
    showme said
    QuasarMarauder7 saidI need to enforce the illusion that I'm straight


    Why?


    ^^ agreed

    you describe yourself as strong in your profile, but this post seems anything but. Nobody on RJ is going to be able to tell you what to do as this is an extremely personal subject. Why is it that you feel you can't come out?

    I coped with it by finally not giving a shit what my family thought about me and I came out. Best decision I've ever made in my entire life despite it pretty much costing me my relationship with my folks. My friends we amazing about it
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    May 29, 2013 4:56 PM GMT
    swimstud87showme said
    QuasarMarauder7 saidI need to enforce the illusion that I'm straight


    Why?

    ^^ agreed

    you describe yourself as strong in your profile, but this post seems anything but. Nobody on RJ is going to be able to tell you what to do as this is an extremely personal subject. Why is it that you feel you can't come out?

    I coped with it by finally not giving a shit what my family thought about me and I came out. Best decision I've ever made in my entire life despite it pretty much costing me my relationship with my folks. My friends we amazing about it


    I can't come out currently in this era of my life because I'm not able to support myself yet, I'm about to graduate high school. I honestly don't care what my family and friends think of me like that or if they like me or need me. I love them but I just can't let them or any other human have such an influence on my personality and character. My friends I know don't care and probably won't when I enter college, some of my family don't and I still talk to them. But for the ones who do care I might come out to them when I can take care of myself and I guess if they're OK good if not then I don't need them in my life I'll be fine. Thanks for your help guys icon_smile.gif
  • nefficles

    Posts: 511

    May 29, 2013 5:21 PM GMT
    You should've stated why you are hesitant to come out in the first place. Hah its understandable you want to be on your own before you come out. That isn't anyone else's business to say otherwise on. However, I think a fake girlfriend is a bit much. Don't involve someone else in it =/. Just stick to your guns and lie through your teeth. Who cares if they question. Tell them you are straight until you are on your own. Don't risk breaking a girls heart just to cover your ass. Keep being strong buddy.

    ~nefficles
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    May 29, 2013 5:28 PM GMT
    leo23"The best art that a gay must learn is art of lying".

    I can completely understand you may be because I am almost in your shoes.
    First thing I would tell myself is I am not fake and I am not lying. I am just doing which is need of the hour. Tuush! Half of my stress is gone.
    Second, I need not to prove myself to anyone. No straight man gets a girl in his life to prove himself as straight. Its just the over consious ones does or even think about it. Imagine if you were straight would you have focused what people expect you to do or rather did what you actually want. If you are a student then spend all your straight hours in studies and career planings. This is something worth doing and the best excuse you may offer to any nonsense out there in your area for not having a girl in your life. Yeah! I am not stressed. Am I now?


    I almost mastered the art and I will do that while in college, it's all I can do icon_razz.gif
  • psycsnacha

    Posts: 161

    May 29, 2013 5:41 PM GMT
    QuasarMarauder7 said
    swimstud87showme said
    QuasarMarauder7 saidI need to enforce the illusion that I'm straight


    Why?

    ^^ agreed

    you describe yourself as strong in your profile, but this post seems anything but. Nobody on RJ is going to be able to tell you what to do as this is an extremely personal subject. Why is it that you feel you can't come out?

    I coped with it by finally not giving a shit what my family thought about me and I came out. Best decision I've ever made in my entire life despite it pretty much costing me my relationship with my folks. My friends we amazing about it


    I can't come out currently in this era of my life because I'm not able to support myself yet, I'm about to graduate high school. I honestly don't care what my family and friends think of me like that or if they like me or need me. I love them but I just can't let them or any other human have such an influence on my personality and character. My friends I know don't care and probably won't when I enter college, some of my family don't and I still talk to them. But for the ones who do care I might come out to them when I can take care of myself and I guess if they're OK good if not then I don't need them in my life I'll be fine. Thanks for your help guys icon_smile.gif



    I understand. I didn't feel comfortable enough to do it until I felt autonomous enough (i.e. self supportive). One question arose while reading this though. You said that you are okay enough to deal the the potential acceptance or rejection of your friends, family, and social circumstance, if you were to come out now. Do you fear being cut off financially? This is legitimate, especially if college will be supported by your family. I ask so that you can begin identifying and naming what holds you back.

    It's okay to navigate this on your own time, as long as you are aware that the steps you take to temporarily relieve the stress are just that, temporary.

    Things that helped me dance the DL dance included being very committed to my studies in college. Striving to be in the top of your class is all consuming, and a built in excuse to be the single, asexual friend. Another thing that helped was being a part of many social circles, so that I could easily hop between circles to avoid settings where I'd be questioned about relationships and such. Next, and very important, pay attention and tend to your sexual health. DL guys are at risk for practicing deviant/dangerous sexual behavior (secretive, limited-range, and high risk sex practices). If you aren't sexually satisfied in a hetero relationship, and are not satisfied j/o, then you will seek more, and that can place you at risk for developing risky paraphillias that can get you in trouble or place you at risk for engaging in practices that are convenient for the moment, yet put your health at risk (like the stereotypical random, unsafe park hookups of years past, that I'm sure still go on). I work in mental health and have seen this before.

    Lastly, do exactly as you're doing now, identify a safe space where you can talk to others openly about the stress, and use it.

    Be well
  • psycsnacha

    Posts: 161

    May 29, 2013 5:46 PM GMT
    nefficles saidYou should've stated why you are hesitant to come out in the first place. Hah its understandable you want to be on your own before you come out. That isn't anyone else's business to say otherwise on. However, I think a fake girlfriend is a bit much. Don't involve someone else in it =/. Just stick to your guns and lie through your teeth. Who cares if they question. Tell them you are straight until you are on your own. Don't risk breaking a girls heart just to cover your ass. Keep being strong buddy.

    ~nefficles


    Agreed. Don't bring someone else into it man. I was in an LTR with a girl while working out who I was. My coming out ended that relationship and it was devastating for both her and myself.
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    May 29, 2013 5:50 PM GMT
    QuasarMarauder7 saidEven though I say I am straight and act as masculine as I can before my heterosexual counterparts, a lot of them still question my sexuality, and ask if i'm gay several times. It's like no matter what nothing works.
    That's because the lady doth protest too much.

    Honestly, none of your friends care. They're asking you if you're gay because it's their job to antagonize you. Laugh it off. Follow up their question with, "Are you sure you're not gay? I've always wondered why you keep asking me this. But hey, if you are, it's OK. It's 2013."
  • chip1961

    Posts: 1

    May 29, 2013 5:57 PM GMT
    I recently came out after a lifetime of being closeted, married for almost 20 years. While I wasn't technically living a double life, I was playing a daily role. The toll the stress took was immense. Drinking too much to dull the pain of living a dishonest life, slowly killing myself by poor eating habits, insufficient exercise, high blood pressure and near diabetes. At one point actually considering real suicide. Confronting the facts and deciding to live an honest life saved me. Happier now than ever. My life isn't perfect, but it's honest.
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    May 29, 2013 5:59 PM GMT
    nefficlesYou should've stated why you are hesitant to come out in the first place. Hah its understandable you want to be on your own before you come out. That isn't anyone else's business to say otherwise on. However, I think a fake girlfriend is a bit much. Don't involve someone else in it =/. Just stick to your guns and lie through your teeth. Who cares if they question. Tell them you are straight until you are on your own. Don't risk breaking a girls heart just to cover your ass. Keep being strong buddy.

    ~nefficles


    I'd never break a girls heart, I'd ask her if she'd be willing to help me cover it up not use her to break her heart because that is trifflin and ratchet.
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    May 29, 2013 6:00 PM GMT
    Remember that it's your life...
    You have to live it... come out when its right for you, and dont worry about it until it is.
    Worrying about it will not change the situation, it won't make it easier, it won't make people like you more...it only takes a toll on you, mentally and physically.

    Only you know all the details and nuances of your life man... Asking our opinion just gives you our personal bias on being closeted...

    So try to relax, you're going to waste what time you have been given...
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    May 29, 2013 6:00 PM GMT
    It can be stressful, I have learned to live with it, I maintain a low profile. I dont ask anybody any questions, so they dont ask me. In work environment I just do my work, I never go out with my colleagues to happy hours etc., I just do my job interact professionally, ask job related questions, go back to my desk and do my work, and go home. So far my boss has been happy with my work so I dont care what others think or talk behind my back.

    As far as friends are concerned I have only gay friends. I dont mind straight friends but after half an hour or so their conversations bore me, it's all about girls, sports, stock market, how to climb the corporate ladder etc., I cant be a part of such conversations for long - it's boring as hell for me.
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    May 29, 2013 6:07 PM GMT
    QuasarMarauder7 said
    showmeQuasarMarauder7 saidI need to enforce the illusion that I'm straight


    Why?


    Even though I say I am straight and act as masculine as I can before my heterosexual counterparts, a lot of them still question my sexuality, and ask if i'm gay several times. It's like no matter what nothing works.


    They question your sexuality because something is setting off their Gaydar. Trust me when you do "come out" it won't be a big surprise to many of your friends.

    That said you only have to reveal yourself to or confirm the suspicions of those you wish to. I would just avoid those who are making you uncomfortable with their prying questions. Good friends do not try to make you feel uncomfortable or reveal something they can obviously see makes you uneasy. I would avoid these "friends."

    You are at the time in your life where your focus should be your education and future. Focus on these. Then when you are able I suggest you "come out" as soon as you are comfortable for your own mental health's sake.
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    May 29, 2013 6:41 PM GMT
    Aaah, that makes sense. You're getting some good advice here. Avoid the topic as best you can without creating too much of a web of lies, which will inevitably bite you in the ass. Then come out as soon as you're not in fear of having your school financing cut off - when you're self-supporting, if you need to wait that long.

    Peace.
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    May 29, 2013 7:38 PM GMT
    I know how you feel, but I often wish I’d come out when I was 18, about to start university. Instead, I stayed in the closet and now have a great group of friends I met there who all think I’m straight. Things would have been much simpler if I’d been honest from the beginning instead of trying to now unravel the image I built up over the past seven years. I now have the stress of trying to balance the friendship I have with the few people I have come out to, against the friendship I have with my university group.

    But, I agree with the other posts and think only you can know when it’s right for you. If you don't feel able to come out yet, I think avoiding the topic will be less stressful in the long run than creating a 'double' life.
  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    May 29, 2013 9:21 PM GMT
    You've gotten some good advice here. I second taking advantage of the studious, asexual-seeming student for as long as you can. Focus all your energy on acing your classes, join activity and social groups you enjoy, and deflect prying questions about your love life by saying yo want to focus on school first.

    If people keep questioning you, they probably already suspect something. There's no need to "play up" being straight, since they're still hanging out with you, despite their hunches. Living in a glass closet feels safe, and is often a necessary step in coming out. Don't worry about what others think: just keep doing you until you're ready to come out. Good luck.
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Jun 07, 2013 11:05 AM GMT
    You can't worry too much what other people think or feel about you because it always changes.

    so a lot of guys won't come out of the closet because they don't want straight people to think they are "one of those gross and annoying perverted gays." or whatever.

    But I'm like jesus, are they paying your bills? And flipside, what is so wrong about being a perverted gay anyway? Sex can be amazing, even if it IS piggish and sinful... want to judge somebody else's lifestyle make sure that all the splinters are removed in your own eye.

    Family issues can be hard, I empathsize strongly with that, but even family members can come around. It just takes time for some people... no matter if you come out in the best most politically correct way possible and follow what all the books tell you to do on it, would STILL get people who are all "well I just don't like it."

    Here's the harsh reality. Society doesn't have to accept you, and why do you care because society acceptance is so fucking bullshit anway, even if gay people never existed in the first place. God i hate that fake ass bullshit.

    okay i take that back somewhat, i admit it does feel very nice feeling loved and belonged. but id rather be hated for who i am then loved for who i am not i guess. why do i have to deny that i like to stick my face in a man's butt just because it rubs some people the wrong way?


  • Android17

    Posts: 346

    Jun 07, 2013 12:01 PM GMT
    It doesn't matter man, how much you lie, how much you pretend, sooner or later they will found out. I was just like you, except for trying to find a fake girlfriend, I could never do that to a women, besides, ewww, its selfish and cruel. But I moved to another city for work, and I started to lie again but I tough, again??? Really?? So I stop and started to open to this new people and It goes well, and you can feel the freedom. I was set up with a guy from here that I tried to date, sending our conversations to people that I know from my home town, and right now, some of them know that I'm gay, but I'm not afraid anymore, I have really good people that knows about me and are very supporting, so maybe you need to start fresh. I hope this helps, good luck.
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    Aug 12, 2013 3:44 AM GMT
    QuasarMarauder7 said
    swimstud87showme said
    QuasarMarauder7 saidI need to enforce the illusion that I'm straight


    Why?

    ^^ agreed

    you describe yourself as strong in your profile, but this post seems anything but. Nobody on RJ is going to be able to tell you what to do as this is an extremely personal subject. Why is it that you feel you can't come out?

    I coped with it by finally not giving a shit what my family thought about me and I came out. Best decision I've ever made in my entire life despite it pretty much costing me my relationship with my folks. My friends we amazing about it


    I can't come out currently in this era of my life because I'm not able to support myself yet, I'm about to graduate high school. I honestly don't care what my family and friends think of me like that or if they like me or need me. I love them but I just can't let them or any other human have such an influence on my personality and character. My friends I know don't care and probably won't when I enter college, some of my family don't and I still talk to them. But for the ones who do care I might come out to them when I can take care of myself and I guess if they're OK good if not then I don't need them in my life I'll be fine. Thanks for your help guys icon_smile.gif


    This is the exact situation I am in. My parents know.... but literally told me not to tell people until I can support myself. I have told my very close friends but its hard to live such a life. I feel so torn all the time. Ive been getting risky by slowly telling people at college where Im 4500 miles away from home, but I want to tell everyone! I feel like a million pounds would be taken from my shoulders, but alas, my parents hold too much of my future right now for me to refuse. They pay for my college, and everything i need. Is this is all they ask... I guess I can hold out.