Have you lost your partner?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2013 9:21 PM GMT
    I haven't, but I have tears in my eyes as I write these words. A comment in another thread made me realize that some of our members have suffered tremendously and are still in great pain.

    Let's come together to offer comfort to those who have lost a partner, whatever the cause.

    If you are a widow or widower, please consider this thread a safe place to talk about what you are going through. And, if you have gone through it and come out the other side, any words of wisdom you can offer those in pain would be most welcome.


    P.S. I did a search and could only find a few threads on this topic, from two years ago (http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1995404), four years ago (http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/427109), and six years ago (http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/43828). They are all beautiful and worth a look, and there are a few others on related subjects.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2013 9:23 PM GMT
    I am not currently partnered, but losing my partner has always been one of my greatest fears. I think it has informed many of the choices I've made in my life. I hope those of you who have lost the loves of your lives can find peace.
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    May 26, 2013 10:12 PM GMT
    shortbutsweet said
    If you are a widow, please consider this thread a safe place to talk about what you are going through.

    My story is already in one of your links, no need to repeat.

    But a gentle semantic point: just as I am a husband, I was a widower, not a widow. I don't know what other guys call themselves, but that's the term my present husband & I used for ourselves, having each lost our previous husband. Though being even more technical we're not widowers anymore, having partnered again, but we each were for a time.
  • wherewillwebe

    Posts: 120

    May 26, 2013 10:17 PM GMT
    My ex (my very first boyfriend) passed away from cancer in March this yearicon_sad.gif
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    May 26, 2013 11:00 PM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    shortbutsweet said
    If you are a widow, please consider this thread a safe place to talk about what you are going through.

    My story is already in one of your links, no need to repeat.

    But a gentle semantic point: just as I am a husband, I was a widower, not a widow. I don't know what other guys call themselves, but that's the term my present husband & I used for ourselves, having each lost our previous husband. Though being even more technical we're not even widowers anymore, having partnered again, but we each were for a time.


    I read your story, and it was very moving. You do seem to be among those who got past the worst of it and learned not only to love again, but also to help others by sharing your experience. That's a blessing, isn't it?

    Thank you for the note. I've always found the term "widower" confusing. It sounds as if it should mean "someone who died, leaving behind a widow" rather than "a man who has lost his wife." Some men call themselves widow and others widower, so I have changed it above.
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    May 26, 2013 11:02 PM GMT
    wherewillwebe saidMy ex (my very first boyfriend) passed away from cancer in March this yearicon_sad.gif


    Although I prefer to take a back seat in this thread -- because there are others who are in a much better position to contribute than I am -- I am sorry for your loss.
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    May 27, 2013 12:41 AM GMT
    I know a widower who lost his partner of 40 years to throat cancer. His partner's family was useless. His family was good in the beginning, but now that he's in a nursing home, almost no one calls or visits him. Naturally, he finds this depressing. I hope that he will eventually take comfort in that they lived a full life togther, with LOTS of traveling. One good thing is he has made some friends in the home.
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    May 27, 2013 12:53 AM GMT
    Yes.
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    May 27, 2013 1:15 AM GMT
    Cash saidYes.


    I am sorry for your loss. As I said, you may consider this a safe place, if you care to talk about it.
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    May 27, 2013 2:31 AM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    shortbutsweet said
    Cash saidYes.


    I am sorry for your loss. As I said, you may consider this a safe place, if you care to talk about it.

    Your pomposity is breathtaking.
    Who the fuck would want to share intimate personal details with someone like you?
    Get over yourself. Quick.


    Please recognize that a thread about and for people who have lost their partners is not an appropriate place to air your personal grievances against other members.
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    May 27, 2013 9:30 PM GMT
    That's pretty nasty. The OP was looking to offer sympathy and listen to anyone who wanted to write, and you attack him personally. You may have some personal problem with the OP, but that doesn't mean everyone else does.
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    Jun 02, 2013 7:39 PM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    shortbutsweet said
    Cash saidYes.


    I am sorry for your loss. As I said, you may consider this a safe place, if you care to talk about it.

    Your pomposity is breathtaking.
    Who the fuck would want to share intimate personal details with someone like you?
    Get over yourself. Quick.



    You've quickly become the nastiest member on this site. The OP created a nice thread and as usual, you have to chime in with your bitterness. It's sad to see a 60 year old man act the way you do.
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    Jun 02, 2013 7:46 PM GMT
    The OP's reputation precedes "him."
  • winwin

    Posts: 264

    Jun 04, 2013 1:32 AM GMT
    My partner of 13 years died from a heart attack in the fall of 2009. There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't think about him. Hardest are the holidays and his birthday every year. I really thought we were going to grow old together but it was never meant to be.

    After he died his family acted like vultures and demanded everything we owned together. They also blamed me for making him gay and for ruining his marriage to his ex wife. If we were legally married in Maine, they would not have dared to do what they had done to me and Maine now has finally legalized gay marriage just recently. I was not even allowed at his funeral so I never saw him one last time to say good bye.
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    Jun 04, 2013 2:04 AM GMT
    That's horrible. My partner and I have everything in writing, by a lawyer who specializes in this area of law. What evil bastards people can be.
  • winwin

    Posts: 264

    Jun 04, 2013 2:22 AM GMT
    They are really mean people and very ignorant as well. They made my life miserable that I had to move twice to get away from them. His two older brothers were stalking me day and night and would sometime park their cars outside my home watching me and followed me everywhere I went.

    Then finally I gave them whatever they wanted and left Maine and moved to Florida just to get as far away as possible from them. After I moved to Florida, I then found out that they had forged my signature and stole money from our bank account. The bank contacted Maine PD and they in turn called me and said in order to press charge I had to go back to Maine and face them in court. By then I was so exhausted and fearful that I refused to go back home and face them. Fortunately since then I never heard from them again. I have no idea if they went to jail for forging my signature and stealing our money but at least for now I don't have to worry about them stalking me again. Hopefully I don't have to deal with them ever again.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jun 04, 2013 2:28 AM GMT
    I agree, that is horrible, winwin, making an already unbearable situation far, far worse.

    When my partner died of a brain tumor (1997) the situation for me was the exact opposite. My partner was estranged from his family except for one brother. That one brother was a very high powered attorney and had already made me executor of his estate and given me full power of medical attorney.

    Upon his diagnosis, my partner *refused* to see *any* of his family except for that one brother. His other two siblings, a sister and second brother, appealed to me personally to intercede on their behalf. My partner finally agreed to meet with the sister but refused to meet with the second brother (and also refused to see his father).

    When my partner became incapacitated and in a coma beyond possible resuscitation, it was my decision to include the family in the medical procedures leading to his death. They were so grateful for this, I received nothing but support from them.

    There's no way to talk about having your partner literally expire in your arms. No way. I've been changed by many intense moments in my life. That was one of them.

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    Jun 04, 2013 2:29 AM GMT
    I'd have gone back to anywhere on this earth to shove it up their asses. Even if it was only $5. One can only hope that they'll all suffer a lonely and painful death.
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    Jun 04, 2013 2:31 AM GMT
    OK.

    I will play along.

    I wrote My thoughts about animosity in the "What's On Your Mind Thread."

    And I meant it - and play for keeps.

    Ex-Husband #1 was one of the first Men in NYC to be diagnosed with hiv.

    They still called it Gay cancer back then.

    Our first date was the Gay and Lesbian Film Festival.

    We sat with Larry Kramer.

    He told Me that night.

    I was 21 years old.

    I told Him "I will NOT be afraid...but I will always protect Myself."

    My 45th Birthday is in EXACTLY one month.

    I remain negative.

    There were nights I prayed that I would have the disease instead of Him because I am SUCH a bitch I figured I would just scare it off.

    It doesn't work that way.

    I Loved Him.

    It was difficult at times.

    And My beauty, and Family wealth and A-List connections meant nothing.

    And I knew I was Nothing in the Grand Scheme of things.

    But I LOVED Him.

    And one night He whispered "You are what keeps Me alive."

    And I said, quiteloudly. "NO - YOU are what keeps Me alive."

    After His funeral I rode in a car with His Step-Mother ... She had really been His mother for all intensive purposes.

    They opened the trunk and there was a metal cannister.

    Her Husband said "Hey, be careful - that's ***"

    I looked at a metal container and saw nearly 4 years of My life.

    Later that night at the apartment We had shared in the West Village - I was asked what I wanted to take.

    They all licked their fangs.

    They had all been walking around with measuring tapes and calculators.

    They had their Lawyers on speed-dial

    The Empire sofa I won at auction???

    The burlwood armoire rumored to have belonged to Empress Josephine.

    The "Palace Sized" needlepoint rug I fought an Arab Prince to win?

    The Rauschenberg (that I thought was mediocre and kept in a far corner of the bedroom ????)

    I took the ceramic piggy bank He made at Summer Camp when He was 6.

    When He was sick I would bring it out and sing songs and He would laugh.

    And for a moment He felt a little better.

    That little Pig remains on tMy marble coffee table.

    They can have all the crap I bought.

    They can't touch My memories.

    icon_smile.gificon_smile.gificon_smile
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    Jun 04, 2013 2:32 AM GMT
    MikeW saidI agree, that is horrible, winwin, making an already unbearable situation far, far worse.



    There's no way to talk about having your partner literally expire in your arms. No way. I've been changed by many intense moments in my life. That was one of them.




    How sad. I'm sorry for your loss.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jun 04, 2013 2:35 AM GMT
    Cash said. . .
    They can have all the crap I bought.

    They can't touch My memories.

    icon_smile.gificon_smile.gificon_smile.gif

    Beautifully put as always, Cash.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 04, 2013 3:07 AM GMT
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2492421
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    Jun 04, 2013 3:10 AM GMT
    winwin said...I really thought we were going to grow old together but it was never meant to be...


    I thought that twice and for me that's the hardest part after the loss: building a life again after spending so many years thinking you'd be with that person for the rest of your life.

    Betrayals are even worse, because then you don't just lose your future, you lose your past. All the shared moments that once seemed real become a lie.

    Death holds some comfort. It sets the past in stone, solidifying and enhancing our vision of it.

    Both death and betrayal make moving on difficult but in different ways. Betrayal changes the past and stops a relationship. There's nothing left to continue because there was nothing really there to begin with. It pulls the rug out, leaving you wounded and disoriented. It destroys everything.

    But a relationship continues after death. Death doesn't destroy the past. It carries it forward. We still imagine being with those we love. And so many of us never again identify as single. This is why widow is such an important category on social sites. We can love again. But it's never again a singular love. We love twice, cheating in our hearts on those we love again.
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    Jun 04, 2013 3:14 AM GMT
    MikeW said
    There's no way to talk about having your partner literally expire in your arms. No way. I've been changed by many intense moments in my life. That was one of them.

    I had a very similar experience. I knew my first partner was dying of AIDS-PML, the doctors were certain of the outcome. But there was a very slim chance he might rally and live for a while yet, maybe months, even recover a little from his dementia.

    So when he started to fail I told them to put him on life support, still holding out hope for a last minute turnaround. (I had gotten an emergency court order making me his legal guardian, because we had failed to draw the needed legal documents earlier, before he went into dementia and it became too late legally. I didn't make that mistake with my current partner, we have full legal medical authority over each other already)

    But barely 24 hours later he was deteriorating fast, the doctors saying it was now hopeless. I phoned his elderly widowed mother, living some 1500 miles away, and told her what I must do. She agreed.

    I directed his life support be removed. That was the toughest decision I've ever made in my life, but also what he had told me he would want, should it ever come to this.

    I phoned our 3 closest friends, and they all came to his bedside. Together we held him as he slipped away, about 6 hours later. The last words he ever spoke, the day before when he went into a coma, were to me: "I love you."

    Since then I've witnessed my current partner have a mild heart attack, develop blood clots that led to gangrene and near leg amputation, a full stroke, and the onset of heart attack that led to open heart surgery. If I have to take him to the ER once again I think I'll go insane (no catty comments, please).

    Well, it's what you buy into when you love someone, and I'm glad I'm a guy who knows how to function in a crisis, what I apparently was built for. There are times, though, when I wish I didn't have to demonstrate those abilities ever again. icon_sad.gif
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jun 04, 2013 3:19 AM GMT
    theantijock saidBut it's never again a singular love. We love twice, cheating in our hearts on those we love again.

    I was with you up to that last part. I hear that is your experience. It hasn't been mine. I had loved before I met my partner and have loved since. For me there is no sense of having "cheated."