Is he a real friend?

  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 27, 2013 7:10 PM GMT
    This isn't about a boyfriend or anything like that. At the beginning of the spring semester this year, I met someone from one of my classes. The class only met once a week, so it took a while for us to get to know each other. We've found we have a lot in common both having a deep interest in music and he played rugby before(he wore his rugby sweatshirt to class once). We've hung out quite often and he's very open and shares a bunch of stuff in his life with me. He always encourages me to try new things and take advantage of opportunities.

    There are some flaws to him though, and one of which is big: he's kinda flaky. While he was the first one to get the ball rolling in our friendship by inviting me to hang out with him after class, which was done in person, he would rarely hit me up for anything unless we saw each other in person. That's the only time he would invite me to something; he wouldn't do it over text or call me. One time, he invited me to a cookout he was holding. He told me about it the night before and said he would text me when he was starting the grill. He said he would do this around 5, but around that time and up to an hour later, I didn't get any text or call. I was tempted not to bother showing; he said he would let me know, but he didn't. I mean after that I texted him if he got it started and he said he did and for me to come thru. Maybe he was busy or something, but it kinda raised a warning flag for me. Other than that, if I hit him up and he's free we'll usually hang out. If he's not free, he does try to work around it and plan for another time(better than most ppl at least who just say "I'm busy" and don't suggest anything or make an effort to plan another time), but it is always me trying to hit him up and not vice versa. He's a busy person, but it still raises another warning flag for me. Nonetheless, we did just meet a few months, so maybe I just needed to wait for the friendship to develop and grow while still initiating contact with him every now and then just to at least keep in touch. I never brought it up though that he didn't follow through I just let it slide. I feel like doing so would have made me come off as too clingy or needy or nosey.

    Sometimes he ignores me. He'll acknowledge me in person but ignore texts/calls at times and usually not get back to me unless I try again at a later time to which he may respond. Btw, I don't bombard him with calls/texts try to keep it to minimum if he doesn't respond to like 2 or 3 attempts(try to keep it to only 2) I hold myself back and just wait til a week or so(usually I'd try to hanging out with other ppl then).

    Just to clarify, I don't like him in a special way. He's straight, and I respect that. I do like him as a friend though.

    He and his friend recently made a band which I became the backup singer to. I feel this just opened another can of worms though. His friend who was the person in charge of the band was very disorganized and would often leave me out of the loop of things which became very frustrating. I did try to find out when rehearsals were but they weren't always certain, and I did make it to the festival we were performing at but we didn't practice much(they didn't let me know when the rehearsals were) so it was kinda improv at that point on my part. My friend didn't let me know when the rehearsals were(which when they were was decided by ear too much), although he didn't feel I had to really attend them and just had to show up to perform(even though the guy in charge said I should attend at least a few). This is getting complicated for one post, but the point is my friend didn't let me know when rehearsals were. He did say he was glad I could make it to the festival though, and even the guy in charge of the band said he was glad that I did ask to join the band to perform that weekend. But this raised a warning flag for me too. I feel like a real friend would have kept me in the loop on things if he knew what was going on.

    He's going away for the summer to work at a summer camp so I prob won't see him for the summer. In September, he's going to study abroad in England for a grad program which is 1 year long. I did suggest that I planned to keep in touch with him and he said he wanted to. Of course, that doesn't mean he will.

    It's been a week since we performed and we haven't talked since. Since I know he's going away soon, I probably won't try talking to him until later in the summer. Do you guys think this has potential to be a real friendship? Or do you think he's another fake friend I should cut off contact from? Should I wait for him to contact me instead? What do you guys think?

    P.S. Please keep the comments respectful. I don't need any rude or demeaning comments.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2013 7:14 PM GMT
    I didn't read anything in this but the title and my answer to your question is no.

















    Reason being, if you have to question whether someone is a real friend or not, the answer is usually no.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2013 7:21 PM GMT
    You are thinking way to much into this. If you know he's flaky why justify his actions towards you? and to be honest college boys are like that. I also feel you are kinda mentally acting like a girl/boyfriend, maybe it's subconscious to you, but reading it, it's transparent to me.

    To be honest, you need to find other things to be interested in, and preoccupy your mind with. You say you don't like him like that, but, I have a feeling you do, other wise you wouldn't be writing a page worth about him.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 27, 2013 7:26 PM GMT
    Mesmer saidYou are thinking way to much into this. If you know he's flaky why justify his actions towards you? and to be honest college boys are like that. I also feel you are kinda mentally acting like a girl/boyfriend, maybe it's subconscious to you, but reading it, it's transparent to me.

    To be honest, you need to find other things to be interested in, and preoccupy your mind with. You say you don't like him like that, but, I have a feeling you do, other wise you wouldn't be writing a page worth about him.


    I do analyze my relations with ppl a lot. It's something I've been doing. Maybe I do overthink it but I'm just tired of fake friends and want someone that's real. I'm only in contact with like one guy from high school. We weren't really friends but I didn't mind him and he said we should chill sometime so I figured why not. I agree a lot of people in college are like this I lose touch with alot of ppl in college and for some, we may continue talking but stop hanging out. I usually end up with the ureliable ppl though I wonder what I can do to find more real friends. This one was nice but I'd rather I didn't have to worry about it and that one would just invite me without me asking all the time. I suppose the reason I'm like this is because I've never had a good friend who stays. Maybe I idealize the other friendships people have, but I didn't have the luxury of having a friend who stayed since my childhood or even a real friend from high school while many ppl do at least right now. I know I wasn't the most socially adept in high school though which was prob my problem. But I don't mean for this to get all sappy and emotional.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2013 7:29 PM GMT
    easterndude69 saidThis isn't about a boyfriend or anything like that. ...

    P.S. Please keep the comments respectful. I don't need any rude or demeaning comments.



    Sorry bubs, but that is pretty much the only responses you get to a: "I crush on a straight guy" wall of text.

    Find a 'stag-hag' that will appreciate you; too many "don't label me bro's" around for you to waste your time on one, even better when you have two or three of them fighting for your undying attention.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 27, 2013 7:35 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx said
    easterndude69 saidThis isn't about a boyfriend or anything like that. ...

    P.S. Please keep the comments respectful. I don't need any rude or demeaning comments.



    Sorry bubs, but that is pretty much the only responses you get to a: "I crush on a straight guy" wall of text.

    Find a 'stag-hag' that will appreciate you; too many "don't label me bro's" around for you to waste your time on one, even better when you have two or three of them fighting for your undying attention.


    Yeah, I should have figured posting this on a gay forum- because that's what we talk about here. I hope I didn't come across that way if I did it was unintentional. And no, I don't want him as a boyfriend so quit accusing me of that. It's quite common for me to type a wall of text about a lot of things and I do overthink a lot of my friendships and relations with people I acknowledge that. I do believe I can have friends even straight friends and keep them separate from who I choose to date or hookup with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2013 7:47 PM GMT
    easterndude69 said
    Yeah, I should have figured posting this on a gay forum- because that's what we talk about here. I hope I didn't come across that way if I did it was unintentional. And no, I don't want him as a boyfriend so quit accusing me of that. It's quite common for me to type a wall of text about a lot of things and I do overthink a lot of my friendships and relations with people I acknowledge that. I do believe I can have friends even straight friends and keep them separate from who I choose to date or hookup with.


    As always, a crush is subjective.
    OK, so.
    Does he know you're gay?
    Is he comfortable in his own skin and with his sexuality, to deal with having a gay friend?
    It's about communication, as all relationships--boundaries and honesty.

    ..."I do believe I can have friends even straight friends and keep them separate from who I choose to date or hookup with."<--does he know that and does he 'believe' the same?
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 27, 2013 8:17 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx said
    easterndude69 said
    Yeah, I should have figured posting this on a gay forum- because that's what we talk about here. I hope I didn't come across that way if I did it was unintentional. And no, I don't want him as a boyfriend so quit accusing me of that. It's quite common for me to type a wall of text about a lot of things and I do overthink a lot of my friendships and relations with people I acknowledge that. I do believe I can have friends even straight friends and keep them separate from who I choose to date or hookup with.


    As always, a crush is subjective.
    OK, so.
    Does he know you're gay?
    Is he comfortable in his own skin and with his sexuality, to deal with having a gay friend?
    It's about communication, as all relationships--boundaries and honesty.

    ..."I do believe I can have friends even straight friends and keep them separate from who I choose to date or hookup with."<--does he know that and does he 'believe' the same?


    He doesn't, or at least to my extent of knowledge, know that I'm gay. I don't think he does because he does bring up the subject of girls around me. I've never told him. I kind of want to, but I don't want to make a big deal out of it either or it may look worse like I'm hitting on him or something and I don't want to give him that impression. I feel like he would be pretty accepting as he seems accepting and overall very chill but yet something holds me back from telling him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 27, 2013 8:30 PM GMT
    That guy sounds like the 'out of sight, out of mind' and 'i'll see you when i see you' type of guy. I treat those types the same way. He may not be a bad person but he isn't a dedicated friend.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    May 27, 2013 8:36 PM GMT
    can somebody tell the OP to make his posts like 5 to 7 senetences MAX... that post was just beyond.

    Is he a real friend? Probably not. Just have sex with him and call it a day.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    May 27, 2013 8:47 PM GMT
    He probably considers you his friend. I wouldn't push him for more time or more intimacy. He's straight and doesn't know you're gay. He talks about girls and you stay mute. How well can he really know you? Are you a real friend, or do you actually just have a crush on him? I'm not saying you do, but you're keeping a big part of your life a secret, and if it feels like a dirty secret, he'll probably distance himself from you.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 27, 2013 10:25 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidHe probably considers you his friend. I wouldn't push him for more time or more intimacy. He's straight and doesn't know you're gay. He talks about girls and you stay mute. How well can he really know you? Are you a real friend, or do you actually just have a crush on him? I'm not saying you do, but you're keeping a big part of your life a secret, and if it feels like a dirty secret, he'll probably distance himself from you.


    Yeah if he brings up the subject of girls, I don't really say anything because I have no input unless it's about his girlfriend. I have stayed silent on the subject of sex or dating never even brought it up. He's never asked me about it so I don't even mention it lol. I keep my dating life a secret from a lot of ppl though. I mean quite a few ppl know I'm gay because I've told them, but I don't tell them about the flings I get into.
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    May 28, 2013 4:41 AM GMT
    TellMeMoar saidThat guy sounds like the 'out of sight, out of mind' and 'i'll see you when i see you' type of guy. I treat those types the same way. He may not be a bad person but he isn't a dedicated friend.


    I agree.

    There are different types of friends. This one sounds like a "friend of convenience." His interest in you is situational. If he sees you, he's friendly. Otherwise, he is not thinking about you.

    I don't think it will be helpful to push him for more than that. You have to decide if this type of friend interests you. It may not be your preference, but there is nothing inherently wrong with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2013 4:53 AM GMT
    TellMeMoar saidThat guy sounds like the 'out of sight, out of mind' and 'i'll see you when i see you' type of guy. I treat those types the same way. He may not be a bad person but he isn't a dedicated friend.



    ..we have a few friends that are like that, it's just the way it is . They're perfectly nice people, but the interest just isn't there. icon_wink.gif
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    May 28, 2013 2:16 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    TellMeMoar saidThat guy sounds like the 'out of sight, out of mind' and 'i'll see you when i see you' type of guy. I treat those types the same way. He may not be a bad person but he isn't a dedicated friend.



    ..we have a few friends that are like that, it's just the way it is . They're perfectly nice people, but the interest just isn't there. icon_wink.gif

    I've know a few like that and you are right it is the way they are. I've noticed that they usually tend to have a million acquaintances. Personally I prefer a few genuine loyal dependable friends over a million acquaintances. But for others, the more the merrier.. oh well.. their choice.. And yes, interest make a huge difference. As well as maintaining and growing a friendship takes work over a period of time.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 28, 2013 4:07 PM GMT
    TellMeMoar said
    meninlove said
    TellMeMoar saidThat guy sounds like the 'out of sight, out of mind' and 'i'll see you when i see you' type of guy. I treat those types the same way. He may not be a bad person but he isn't a dedicated friend.



    ..we have a few friends that are like that, it's just the way it is . They're perfectly nice people, but the interest just isn't there. icon_wink.gif

    I've know a few like that and you are right it is the way they are. I've noticed that they usually tend to have a million acquaintances. Personally I prefer a few genuine loyal dependable friends over a million acquaintances. But for others, the more the merrier.. oh well.. their choice.. And yes, interest make a huge difference. As well as maintaining and growing a friendship takes work over a period of time.


    That does sound about right about him. He's got a lot of friends and acquaintances. He's ok if we ever see each other again.icon_lol.gif Though there's no way of telling that. He's cool, we have a lot in common, and he's easy to strike up an interesting conversation with. That's ok if we do ever talk or see each other again we could still hang out if he wanted to. I'm looking for more dependable, close friendships though so I shouldn't rely on him. But I'm not going to worry about that much anymore. I'm realizing friends come and go and only they can decide if they want to stick around for the ride. I'm pretty outgoing and talking with new people all the time and hanging out with some group or individual, so I'll just keep doing that and having fun without worrying if the friendships are real or good. As long as they're nice ppl and fun to hang out with, there's no problem in spending time with them.

    I feel like a lot of my friends are situational, probably due to the fact that I'm in college and a bunch of college students are prob like this. They prefer to play things by ear rather than plan things which happens all the time in college whether it be for going to a party they hear of that's going on, getting together to smoke or play video games, all of a sudden seeing each other and deciding to go for a drive without prior planning but just because the situation calls for it, etc. That's fine as long as we continue talking or hanging out I don't mind these kinds of connections. But I will pay more attention to those who put in a bit more effort to stay connected and be there and put more effort towards them as a result.
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    May 28, 2013 9:32 PM GMT
    Also realize that when college ends, your college-related situational friendships will end as well. Make sure you develop stronger bonds with the ones you care about before that happens.
  • swimmerdude52...

    Posts: 119

    May 28, 2013 9:49 PM GMT
    damn! you stole my exact response

    BlackCat90 saidI didn't read anything in this but the title and my answer to your question is no.

















    Reason being, if you have to question whether someone is a real friend or not, the answer is usually no.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 29, 2013 6:07 PM GMT
    shortbutsweet saidAlso realize that when college ends, your college-related situational friendships will end as well. Make sure you develop stronger bonds with the ones you care about before that happens.


    Yeah I'm aware of that. That's why I'm not really focusing on who I hang out with but just that I have a good time. Of course, I will try with the ones I care about that give back. But people choose if they want to stick around or not, and that can't be controlled or decided by myself. I can show them I care and that I'm a good, fun person to hang out with. In the end, it's their decision.

    Idk how this person will be from here on. 9 times out of 10 prob distance away from me as that's what happens with most, and he does seem like only a situational friend. Honestly, I think we've hung out enough to see where this is going, and I think he just isn't that interested. While he may have been a better person than most other friends I've hung out with, the end result is most likely the same. Whatever I'm starting to move on. I'm not going to ignore him or forget him, but I don't think he's a friend who will stick around.

    I do have some friends who hit me up for things, but most of those I feel aren't fun enough. I do try to make things fun, but if the other guy's just "whatever goes" and puts in no input of his own, it's not exciting. One of my friends is like that, and I do hang out with him sometimes because he cares about me, but friendships are like relationships. The spark has to be there, it has to be fun, both have to have mutual respect for one another and both enjoy each other's time and take an interest in each other's lives. A person who doesn't say much without me doing the talking is boring. That's not the kind of friendship I want either.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 30, 2013 7:07 PM GMT
    I texted him today. It took a while, but he responded so we're still in touch. We'll see what happens but at least we're still in touch.
  • jordon21

    Posts: 43

    May 30, 2013 7:47 PM GMT
    You probably didn't have a lot of friends in high school and it doesn't sound like you do now either. So you kind of try and find value and meaning in these things hoping for a strong friendship or something, and expecting a bit more than what he is offering. I know exactly how that feels because i'm also someone who over thinks everything, every gesture, every word etc. It amounts to you being a more sensitive human being; maybe too sensitive, but that's who you are. This guy you're talking about and most other people are not this way. And you can't change them. Accept it, and don't misinterpret his natural disposition for being flaky; not all people can gel together and willingly offer exactly what the other expects of them. Of course you may like his lifestyle, or hanging out with him and doing stuff because you feel like you're enjoying yourself in his company or enjoying something else about him. But unless you guys have been friends for a real long time or even been in a relationship, you can't really expect more him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2013 8:38 PM GMT
    We had a very similar conversation with another guy last week. It sucks when the level of attraction is imbalanced. I think even platonic friendships involve attraction in the sense that you like the way you feel when with said person. If the friendship is more important to one person than the other it gets frustrating.

    I have to wonder if he doesn't ask you about your dating life if he doesn't have a better idea about your sexuality than you think. That said, if he is still not awkward around you, it must not bother him if he does. But I don't see how deep a friendship you can have with someone who doesn't know this basic fact about you.

    And -- not to make fun -- but this dynamic duo comes to mind:

    Hunky-Tony.jpg

    tumblr_lklrqdVQMg1qza49co1_500.png
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 30, 2013 11:30 PM GMT
    jordon21 saidYou probably didn't have a lot of friends in high school and it doesn't sound like you do now either. So you kind of try and find value and meaning in these things hoping for a strong friendship or something, and expecting a bit more than what he is offering. I know exactly how that feels because i'm also someone who over thinks everything, every gesture, every word etc. It amounts to you being a more sensitive human being; maybe too sensitive, but that's who you are. This guy you're talking about and most other people are not this way. And you can't change them. Accept it, and don't misinterpret his natural disposition for being flaky; not all people can gel together and willingly offer exactly what the other expects of them. Of course you may like his lifestyle, or hanging out with him and doing stuff because you feel like you're enjoying yourself in his company or enjoying something else about him. But unless you guys have been friends for a real long time or even been in a relationship, you can't really expect more him.


    It's not the quantity, it's the amount of meaningful connections that matters most to me, which yes, they feel like very few right now for me. I know a lot of people, but how many ppl can I honestly say I have a meaningful connection with? I'm realizing it's even tougher when you get older because you don't have the advantage that you've known them for much of your life, and many people around my age are actually trying to settle in with what they've got and keep busy with other things rather than trying to expand their social circles. Plus everyone's so busy that it's tough to keep connected with ppl. I would agree that I'm sensitive and I can't help it. It sucks being this way often, but not much I can do about it I guess. I sometimes wish I had less feeling so it wouldn't bother me so much. Others have told me im sensitive though they meant it in a positive way. While it may sound positive, I'm realizing it makes me overthink things and view people in a way that they don't necessarily view me.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    May 31, 2013 3:37 AM GMT
    NJShiftyJK saidWe had a very similar conversation with another guy last week. It sucks when the level of attraction is imbalanced. I think even platonic friendships involve attraction in the sense that you like the way you feel when with said person. If the friendship is more important to one person than the other it gets frustrating.

    I have to wonder if he doesn't ask you about your dating life if he doesn't have a better idea about your sexuality than you think. That said, if he is still not awkward around you, it must not bother him if he does. But I don't see how deep a friendship you can have with someone who doesn't know this basic fact about you.

    And -- not to make fun -- but this dynamic duo comes to mind:

    Hunky-Tony.jpg

    tumblr_lklrqdVQMg1qza49co1_500.png


    Lol is that from Seinfield? Lol that was funny