Does Fundemental Fairness Require That I Tell Prospective Roomates That I'm Poz?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 28, 2013 11:22 PM GMT
    I have been HIV+ for over ten years (probably closer to 20). I'm married, live with my wife and kids, we take some basic precautions (gloves stashed everywhere, declawed the cats, no more juggling glass) no problems.

    I am embarking on a long remote project for work such that I will be renting a room in an apartment, with a stranger, for up to one year. I will not be there everyday during the week; but I will often be there 5 days a week. Even when I'm "there," I'll mostly be at the client working long hours. I will have my own bathroom, but we will share everything else.

    My gut is that my prospective apartment-mate is entitled to decide whether (s)he wants to live with a poz person, and that would obviously require me to disclose.

    I'm not ashamed of my status, but I tend to keep it to myself. I do believe in letting people keep as much control over their own lives as possible; including, with whom they choose to live.

    Thoughts?
  • hebrewman

    Posts: 1367

    May 29, 2013 1:00 AM GMT
    you do realize that it cannot be spread by sharing glasses (unless you are bleeding at your gums) or other social settings. you do not need to share your serostatus with your future room mate. unless you are going to have sex with him, you do not need to share it. it's a private and intimate matter but one that still carries a stigma. diabetes sure.... hiv, well, no. but then again that's just me. other folks i'm sure have other opinions.
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    May 29, 2013 1:00 AM GMT
    Disclosure is your choice, of course, and unless you foresee an instance in which your roommate may be exposed to HIV I do not see why you should have to.
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    May 29, 2013 1:23 AM GMT
    @hebrewman: Thank you for responding. I am VERY aware of how HIV is (un)likely to be spread. I have educated myself on all things HIV over the years.

    My reference to "juggling glasses" was an attempt at humor; you know, that the guy with a blood borne illness would engage such an ultra-hazardous hobby...like Steve Martin's cat juggling.

    My feeling is that everyone is entitled to their own paranoia, regardless of whether it is rooted in reality.
  • thatirishbast...

    Posts: 3523

    May 29, 2013 1:30 AM GMT
    If I had a flatmate, I would not feel entitled to know about his medical issues any more than I would expect him to be interested in my arthritis.

    I personally would not offer the information in your place unless there is a situation in which the roommate needs to know. Or unless a friendship develops where you feel comfortable sharing more personal information.
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    May 29, 2013 1:30 AM GMT
    Once someone moves in, tell them in case you have an emergency.
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    May 29, 2013 3:25 AM GMT
    Not only do you not have a moral, legal or ethical obligation to disclose your status to a roommate, it is in fact your right to keep this information private if you choose. Aside from the obvious need to share with a sex partner, sharing your status with others should be for your benefit and well being, e.g., the people who treat you, the people who love you, the people who support you. I'm sure you've probably shared your status with a friend or a relative who unexpectedly imploded under the enormity of the news. First you realize that you can kiss goodbye any amount of compassion and understanding that frankly you really could have used, but the bigger kick in the ass is that now you're the one saddled with the burden of making the other person feel better about your disease.

    Regarding your future roommate, even if you develop some sort of bond or friendship with this person and reach a point that it might feel safe to share, we all know that even the most compassionate and sensitive among us aren't always able to contain the kind of juicy tidbit that is your HIV status. The extra twist here, of course, is that this is a situation that would be playing out in your place of work which may be all the reason you need to keep this contained period.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2013 3:29 AM GMT
    Only if you're sleeping with them. Otherwise, it's none of their business.
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    May 29, 2013 3:31 AM GMT
    mx5guynj saidOnce someone moves in, tell them in case you have an emergency.
    I'd have to say this. What if something happens where OP is bleeding profusely and the roommate is the only person around to help?
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    May 29, 2013 3:46 AM GMT
    Very thoughtful of you to even contemplate this decision. This says you're a gentleman of conscience and concern...refreshing icon_biggrin.gif Disclosure totally is up to you. There is no reason for you to feel compelled to share your personal stuff with anyone unless you just want to or unless you plan on being sexually intimate with a new roommate from the outset. However, it would be great to have a roommate with whom you just felt comfortable sharing. Life ALWAYS goes better, when you live in truth and light, not hiding anything. Anything you hide or cover up will come out anyway...and likely not in the way you'd prefer. Better to take control. Nutshell - it's up to you, if you want to, do, if you don't...don't. God Bless! icon_cool.gif
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    May 29, 2013 3:51 AM GMT
    Do what makes you feel good man...

    You have to look at yourself in the mirror each day, so knowing its your choice... Make the choice you feel comfortable living with.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    May 29, 2013 3:53 AM GMT
    *nod* yeah... let them know when it's relevant. It's a health concern like diabetes and anything like extreme vertigo, or being deaf/blind/mute or having extreme allergies. (better to know than not know, especially when living with someone)
  • psycsnacha

    Posts: 161

    May 29, 2013 4:25 AM GMT
    No need to. If the conversation comes up, and you feel comfortable sharing, why not? If it doesn't, again, there's no need to.
  • psycsnacha

    Posts: 161

    May 29, 2013 4:26 AM GMT
    Cheers for posting this topic.
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    May 29, 2013 4:27 AM GMT
    Masculism said
    mx5guynj saidOnce someone moves in, tell them in case you have an emergency.
    I'd have to say this. What if something happens where OP is bleeding profusely and the roommate is the only person around to help?
    icon_neutral.gif

    It's a possibility but not highly probable.
    He doesn't walk around telling everyone within earshot that he's HIV+ in the off chance he's hit by a bus or a piano fall on his head.

    If he starts bleeding profusely the roommate first move is to call 911. Chances are he (HIV guy) will be able to stanch (applying pressure to) any blood flow while waiting on the EMTs. The roommate can bring clean towels and doesn't have to touch the blood. Also, an emergency first aid kit stocked with surgical gloves should be kept on premises.

    There's no need to have the roommate being unnecessarily paranoid.
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    May 29, 2013 4:28 AM GMT
    Amicus65 saidI have been HIV+ for over ten years (probably closer to 20). I'm married, live with my wife and kids, we take some basic precautions (gloves stashed everywhere, declawed the cats, no more juggling glass) no problems.

    I am embarking on a long remote project for work such that I will be renting a room in an apartment, with a stranger, for up to one year. I will not be there everyday during the week; but I will often be there 5 days a week. Even when I'm "there," I'll mostly be at the client working long hours. I will have my own bathroom, but we will share everything else.

    My gut is that my prospective apartment-mate is entitled to decide whether (s)he wants to live with a poz person, and that would obviously require me to disclose.

    I'm not ashamed of my status, but I tend to keep it to myself. I do believe in letting people keep as much control over their own lives as possible; including, with whom they choose to live.

    Thoughts?


    ABSOLUTELY.
    No offence but I wouldn't want to live with HIV+ roommate. I would be very appreciative if someone told me their status and was honest.
  • Whipmagic

    Posts: 1481

    May 29, 2013 4:37 AM GMT
    green_eyed_stud said
    Amicus65 saidI have been HIV+ for over ten years (probably closer to 20). I'm married, live with my wife and kids, we take some basic precautions (gloves stashed everywhere, declawed the cats, no more juggling glass) no problems.

    I am embarking on a long remote project for work such that I will be renting a room in an apartment, with a stranger, for up to one year. I will not be there everyday during the week; but I will often be there 5 days a week. Even when I'm "there," I'll mostly be at the client working long hours. I will have my own bathroom, but we will share everything else.

    My gut is that my prospective apartment-mate is entitled to decide whether (s)he wants to live with a poz person, and that would obviously require me to disclose.

    I'm not ashamed of my status, but I tend to keep it to myself. I do believe in letting people keep as much control over their own lives as possible; including, with whom they choose to live.

    Thoughts?


    ABSOLUTELY.
    No offence but I wouldn't want to live with HIV+ roommate. I would be very appreciative if someone told me their status and was honest.


    Why? You don't catch HIV from living together, sharing kitchen utensils, etc., not even from kissing. Unless you want to have unprotected sex with your roommate, or share hypodermic needles, there really is no reason to fear contagion.
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    May 29, 2013 4:40 AM GMT
    what if I get drunk and horny and make a move on him?
    What if I pass out and he has to give me mouth to mouth and although theres a slim chace its still possible as there have been a handful of case where thats happened.
    Etc
  • thatirishbast...

    Posts: 3523

    May 29, 2013 4:42 AM GMT
    Whipmagic said
    green_eyed_stud said
    Amicus65 saidI have been HIV+ for over ten years (probably closer to 20). I'm married, live with my wife and kids, we take some basic precautions (gloves stashed everywhere, declawed the cats, no more juggling glass) no problems.

    I am embarking on a long remote project for work such that I will be renting a room in an apartment, with a stranger, for up to one year. I will not be there everyday during the week; but I will often be there 5 days a week. Even when I'm "there," I'll mostly be at the client working long hours. I will have my own bathroom, but we will share everything else.

    My gut is that my prospective apartment-mate is entitled to decide whether (s)he wants to live with a poz person, and that would obviously require me to disclose.

    I'm not ashamed of my status, but I tend to keep it to myself. I do believe in letting people keep as much control over their own lives as possible; including, with whom they choose to live.

    Thoughts?


    ABSOLUTELY.
    No offence but I wouldn't want to live with HIV+ roommate. I would be very appreciative if someone told me their status and was honest.


    Why? You don't catch HIV from living together, sharing kitchen utensils, etc., not even from kissing. Unless you want to have unprotected sex with your roommate, or share hypodermic needles, there really is no reason to fear contagion.


    Why? Because he's an ignorant fool with an ego large enough to call himself a 'stud' in his screenname (to the amusement of the rest of us regular folks) but so utterly uneducated that not only does he know nothing about the nature of HIV, he thinks it's his right to know the private medical information of strangers and then sneer at those who are fighting against HIV with a cursory "No offense" as a final spit in the eye.
  • thatirishbast...

    Posts: 3523

    May 29, 2013 4:44 AM GMT
    green_eyed_stud saidwhat if I get drunk and horny and make a move on him?
    What if I pass out and he has to give me mouth to mouth and although theres a slim chace its still possible as there have been a handful of case where thats happened.
    Etc


    HIV has never, not once, not ever been transmitted through mouth to mouth resuscitation. It is transferred from fluid transmission. Not your goddamn lips. Stop lying. And start educating yourself.
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    May 29, 2013 4:46 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidThere's no need to have the roommate being unnecessarily paranoid.
    The roommate won't have to be paranoid if OP finds a roommate who is more knowledgeable about HIV than the average person.
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    May 29, 2013 4:50 AM GMT
    thatirishbastard said
    green_eyed_stud saidwhat if I get drunk and horny and make a move on him?
    What if I pass out and he has to give me mouth to mouth and although theres a slim chace its still possible as there have been a handful of case where thats happened.
    Etc


    HIV has never, not once, not ever been transmitted through mouth to mouth resuscitation. It is transferred from fluid transmission. Not your goddamn lips. Stop lying. And start educating yourself.


    You just proved your a dumb ass. Please read this it might just save your life some day.

    "Can HIV be transmitted by kissing?
    It depends on the type of kissing. There is no risk from closed-mouth kissing.

    There are extremely rare cases of HIV being transmitted via deep “French” kissing but in each case, infected blood was exchanged due to bleeding gums or sores in the mouth. Because of this remote risk, it is recommended that individuals who are HIV-infected avoid deep, open-mouth “French” kissing with a non-infected partner, as there is a potential risk of transferring infected blood. Summary:

    There is no risk of transmission closed-mouth kissing.
    There is a remote risk from deep, open-mouth kissing if there are sores or bleeding gums and blood is exchanged. Therefore, persons living with HIV should avoid this behavior with a non-infected partner. "

    http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/resources/qa/transmission.htm
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    May 29, 2013 4:53 AM GMT
    Probably not a popular sentiment, but a lot of stuff can happen beyond sharing utensils and short of sleeping with each other.

    My housemate got a really bad cut on his finger from the blender within a couple days of moving in and asked me to bandage it for him. I did, but was especially careful as I'd cut myself earlier that day. He's HIV positive, and I knew that but not because he told me, because I saw him on grindr. I would have appreciated if he'd told me. I think that assuming other people are prejudiced or ignorant is not necessarily helpful.

    I mean, I have a kitten who was once pretty vicious, and it's certainly possible that he drew blood from both of us within a short amount of time. I'd like to ask how that's functionally different from sharing needles, but I feel like I've been shamed into not asking such questions. I don't think that's really great for long term awareness and understanding. You could even turn that around and say that I should be especially diligent about kitty litter (cat can throw it around sometimes) because of toxoplasmosis, but if you don't tell me, I don't know.

    Sometimes people want to be open and understanding, but there's often so much defensiveness about HIV status that it can be hard.
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    May 29, 2013 4:53 AM GMT
    I think it's in the OP's own self interest to disclose his poz status, but only to avoid moving in with a person with an irrational fear of the virus, and the resulting drama that could unfold if the irrationally fearful roommate found out at a later date. We already see in this thread some of that irrationality.
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    May 29, 2013 4:55 AM GMT
    green_eyed_stud said
    Amicus65 saidI have been HIV+ for over ten years (probably closer to 20). I'm married, live with my wife and kids, we take some basic precautions (gloves stashed everywhere, declawed the cats, no more juggling glass) no problems.

    I am embarking on a long remote project for work such that I will be renting a room in an apartment, with a stranger, for up to one year. I will not be there everyday during the week; but I will often be there 5 days a week. Even when I'm "there," I'll mostly be at the client working long hours. I will have my own bathroom, but we will share everything else.

    My gut is that my prospective apartment-mate is entitled to decide whether (s)he wants to live with a poz person, and that would obviously require me to disclose.

    I'm not ashamed of my status, but I tend to keep it to myself. I do believe in letting people keep as much control over their own lives as possible; including, with whom they choose to live.

    Thoughts?


    ABSOLUTELY.
    No offence but I wouldn't want to live with HIV+ roommate. I would be very appreciative if someone told me their status and was honest.


    I don't blame you. Ya never know when da AIDS will leep from his body onto yours. icon_rolleyes.gif