Would you continue hanging out with someone who came on strong in the beginning, but then pulled out the 'let's just be friends' card?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2013 8:03 AM GMT
    I went on 2 dates with a guy who was very charming and sweet. Almost too sweet. On 2nd date, he picked me up, let me drive his Lexus (which normally I don't condone, but he offered and I couldn't resist) , and we went to dinner. Neither times did we hook up, but we kissed. He'd text me everyday for 2 weeks.

    But then, after the 2nd date...I noticed he started acting weird. So I asked him what was the deal between us. He tells me he wasn't ready to date and that he just wants to be friends. I tried to get more clarity, (asked why would a guy who has his things together wouldn't be ready to date). He just said "LOL, and he has issues". But he wants to be friends and let time tell. After he said that, we hung out again at the movies...and held hands, but part of me is a bit annoyed that he's trying to close up now. I think either he's turning pussy, or met someone else...

    I'm considering cutting him off and haven't spoken in a few days cuz I'm not really looking for friends. I had a friend who did me the same way, started off dating then he kept pulling friend card but was nothing but a user. Either we're friends from first sight, but we're not gonna 'end up' as friends. Any success stories with this kind of thing?
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    May 29, 2013 1:29 PM GMT
    This exact thing happened to me last year and it sucked. I too was not looking for a friend out of him. This is the sort of thing that make a guy bonkers - wondering what exactly it was that turned a potential BF into the friend zone. I find it a lot easier to deal with if this happens after a first date because chemistry is not always mutual. Don't drive yourself crazy wondering what it was that turned him off....he's just not that into you - or merely wanted to get laid. It could be the way you held your friggen fork for all you know. In my case, I moved on but still resent this dude for wasting my time.
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    May 29, 2013 1:36 PM GMT
    I think maybe try being honest with him about the whole situation then he would understand where your coming from. You can be friends with him but just don't let it cross the line. He might regret it.
  • Ducky49

    Posts: 32

    May 29, 2013 1:39 PM GMT
    I would take a step back and get my feelings in check and just let it go. Life is to short to hold out for someone who clearly as he stated "I Have ISSUES"! I would "KICK ROCKS"! icon_cool.gif
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    May 29, 2013 1:58 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 saidAny success stories with this kind of thing?

    Not success in the way that I think you mean - turning him into a real BF. At best they became FWB. But in my experience when you hear those words it means the relationship's not going to change into what you want it to be.

    But actually that was OK for me at those times, and 2 can play at that game. With no better prospects at the moment, a FWB, or even just an ordinary friend, can be better than nothing. And in the meantime I kept looking, and when I found what I wanted I left them, in each case physically moving away.

    And they had no basis for complaint since they said we were just friends, right? It wasn't like I was jilting a BF.
  • CityofDreams

    Posts: 1173

    May 29, 2013 2:07 PM GMT
    People have the right to change their minds. I personally would rather someone tell me after the 2nd date that they aren't interested, rather than a couple of months in when I have already developed feelings for him. Take his honesty as a blessing.
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    May 29, 2013 2:13 PM GMT
    I probably wouldn't continue on this type of activity with him (one on one). At that point, it seems like I'm the only one whose getting attached or would end up hurt so I think hanging out in group settings would be more appropriate if he really wanted to be friends and not date.
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    May 29, 2013 2:20 PM GMT
    Thats upsetting, i know how that feels
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    May 29, 2013 2:25 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 saidI went on 2 dates with a guy who was very charming and sweet. Almost too sweet. On 2nd date, he picked me up, let me drive his Lexus (which normally I don't condone, but he offered and I couldn't resist) , and we went to dinner. Neither times did we hook up, but we kissed. He'd text me everyday for 2 weeks.

    But then, after the 2nd date...I noticed he started acting weird. So I asked him what was the deal between us. He tells me he wasn't ready to date and that he just wants to be friends. I tried to get more clarity, (asked why would a guy who has his things together wouldn't be ready to date). He just said "LOL, and he has issues". But he wants to be friends and let time tell. After he said that, we hung out again at the movies...and held hands, but part of me is a bit annoyed that he's trying to close up now. I think either he's turning pussy, or met someone else...

    I'm considering cutting him off and haven't spoken in a few days cuz I'm not really looking for friends. I had a friend who did me the same way, started off dating then he kept pulling friend card but was nothing but a user. Either we're friends from first sight, but we're not gonna 'end up' as friends. Any success stories with this kind of thing?


    Oh boy... do I know this story too well. It happened to me about a month ago. We spent nearly every weekend together and every Wednesday together for two months. Here I was naive in thinking that we were creating something special... all the cuddling, kissing, hand holding, PDA; might have been the reason... but sadly it was to pass and the 'friend zone' is where I was thrown.

    I'm not angry, We are two consenting adults who can make logical decisions... and my 'feelings' for him were a bit easier to get over once I got him to tell me why he was throwing in the towel.

    NBD though - would I be friends with him... maybe; eventually... but for now, I'll keep my distance... the sting is still too fresh to consider any of that.
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    May 29, 2013 4:57 PM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    FuzzyPecs25 saidI'm considering cutting him off and haven't spoken in a few days cuz I'm not really looking for friends.

    What a lovely person you are.


    The reason why I say that is because in the beginning and even AFTER the 2nd date, he kept calling me 'baby'. Even AFTER the 2nd date! Why was he calling me baby if he just wanted to be friends?

    Stufff like that is called playing mind games. I told him don't be calling me baby then if you not trying to go anywhere with it. That's some straight up juvenile 8th grade girl BS.
  • MadeinMich

    Posts: 1624

    May 29, 2013 5:01 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said
    Aristoshark said
    FuzzyPecs25 saidI'm considering cutting him off and haven't spoken in a few days cuz I'm not really looking for friends.

    What a lovely person you are.


    The reason why I say that is because in the beginning and even AFTER the 2nd date, he kept calling me 'baby'. Even AFTER the 2nd date! Why was he calling me baby if he just wanted to be friends?

    Stufff like that is called playing mind games. I told him don't be calling me baby then if you not trying to go anywhere with it.


    Do yourself a favor and drop his ass.
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    May 29, 2013 5:11 PM GMT
    MadeinMich saidI had no clue what this meant as he was non communicative with me on where he stood.

    On the way home him and his fag hag kept talking about what they like in men and I became really pissed at him. So when we got home I never spoke or contacted him again.


    That's the thing. Most won't communicate it. That's why you have to crack open their skulls (metaphorically of course) and pick their brains and find out where their mind is at. The issue with your story is you 'assumed' you were dating, which you shouldn't. I like to find these things out after 3-5 dates. Alot of people think you'll mess it up or people will change when you say you're dating.

    To that I say, well if it changes...then really he wasn't real to begin with. But I'm not going to be doing relationship things for people who don't want to be in a fucking relationship...
  • MadeinMich

    Posts: 1624

    May 29, 2013 5:14 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said
    MadeinMich saidI had no clue what this meant as he was non communicative with me on where he stood.

    On the way home him and his fag hag kept talking about what they like in men and I became really pissed at him. So when we got home I never spoke or contacted him again.


    That's the thing. Most won't communicate it. That's why you have to crack open their skulls (metaphorically of course) and pick their brains and find out where their mind is at.


    And that's whats fucked up about the whole thing. It's like you're a 40 something year old man. Grow some balls and say " I don't want you" instead of leading me on. I don't fucking know osmosis.
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    May 29, 2013 5:19 PM GMT
    MadeinMich said
    And that's whats fucked up about the whole thing. It's like you're a 40 something year old man. Grow some balls and say " I don't want you" instead of leading me on. I don't fucking know osmosis.


    well, in defense of them trying to be nice...i can understand that. The issue for me are the ones who give the illusion that they are looking to date..but then go into this friend stuff. Guys ALWAYS chase me down after the 1st date...sometimes the 2nd. By the time 3rd date comes, it's something different. But I'll be honest and say most of that occurs after meeting guys off Grindr. Something about that site. Bunch of mis-fits.

    One guy stopped seeing me after the 2nd date back in November. Then he came back around. Just yesterday he asked what I'm getting for his birthday TODAY. I didn't know shit about it. I'll respond to him when I feel like it. Might not even be today.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    May 29, 2013 7:30 PM GMT
    I would recommend not continuing to see him at all, as that would give him all the power. Tell him you are not looking for friends, but for somebody to date (don't say 'bf' since it's obviously too soon for that). If he's interested in a relationship on your terms, he'll let you know. If not, you're better off moving on sooner rather than later.
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    May 29, 2013 7:30 PM GMT
    OP, are you still a hooker? Maybe that's why he doesn't want to date
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    May 29, 2013 9:03 PM GMT
    Hunter9 saidI would recommend not continuing to see him at all, as that would give him all the power. Tell him you are not looking for friends, but for somebody to date (don't say 'bf' since it's obviously too soon for that). If he's interested in a relationship on your terms, he'll let you know. If not, you're better off moving on sooner rather than later.


    He told me the reason he's not ready to date is because he has issues AND he has too much expectations from people and that he doesn't want to make someone else conform to those (or along that line).

    If it makes any difference, the guy is Asian and a little bit older, but really kinda cute, 1st Asian guy I've dated (I didn't tell him that)...and I have met all his friends and non of them look like me, which is why I'm a bit suspectable about his offer. People keep their options open on purpose.
  • MadeinMich

    Posts: 1624

    May 29, 2013 9:09 PM GMT
    FuzzyPecs25 said
    Incendiary saidblah, blah, blah


    Do you still not have a life and have to bring your pasty White ass here to get attention? Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit.



    katy-perry-laughing.gif


    READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • mv03

    Posts: 201

    May 29, 2013 9:15 PM GMT
    I personally wouldn't cut him off, but I would definitely distance myself until I found someone else to occupy my time. Otherwise, it may end up being a hard situation for you, with you expecting more. This is just based on having been in a similar situation. It's crap man, I definitely know the feeling! Just hope he doesn't sit there and talk about how 'Nobody wants him, etc.' Guys are difficult. Best of luck. icon_eek.gif
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    May 29, 2013 9:20 PM GMT
    Personally I'd distance myself away from someone from whom I was expecting one thing and they offered another. Unless what they offered was what I was also looking for.

    If I did decided to stay friends I wouldn't get physical in the least (holding hands..etc ). Maybe a peck/kiss as a greeting which would depend on the person and situation/location would be the max. Anything more would make me uncomfortable as we are neither dating nor FWB's.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    May 29, 2013 9:28 PM GMT
    What's wrong with men and communicating GEEZ!!!!!!!!! icon_evil.gificon_evil.gif
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    May 29, 2013 9:48 PM GMT
    If you weren't looking for friends, just drop the whole situation. You obviously don't sound too friendly about him... going on with the sham seems stupid.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    May 29, 2013 9:50 PM GMT
    The friends or nothing else approach is a mega fail

    Some people LIKE and PREFER to be friends before taking it to the next step
    I guess you like to zoom past that and get right to it icon_wink.gif
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    May 29, 2013 9:59 PM GMT
    Joeyphx444 saidThe friends or nothing else approach is a mega fail

    Some people LIKE and PREFER to be friends before taking it to the next step
    I guess you like to zoom past that and get right to it icon_wink.gif


    That's not what was on the menu though. Making out, holding hands, and calling you baby isn't a "just friends for now" kinda thing.
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    May 29, 2013 10:02 PM GMT
    You don't get to decide how the other party feels.

    You only get to decide how you feel.

    How you handle it is up to you.