Not coping :( Don't know what to do...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2013 11:09 AM GMT
    The gist is, broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years after I thought i didn't love him anymore. I told him I was talking to guys on grindr for fun. But never did anything. nor would I.

    I realized I still loved him, cried for days and begged for him back. He said no... after two weeks a friend told me he has been hooking up n going on dates. I went crazy. I was losing my whole life. I chose to move on and made out with a couple of guys but took it no further because i wasnt ready. now we're talking again... But hes gone on 3 dates and a hook up. I know the guy who he hooked up with. This is killing me. I know what they did. I want to get back together but now this is all I see. I only found out today but its killing me.

    I don't know if im reacting the right way but it hurts so fucking much.

    I just want to dissapear icon_sad.gif

    Im not strong enough for this.
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    May 29, 2013 11:12 AM GMT
    There will be others.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2013 11:12 AM GMT
    First off all, you are strong enough for this. everyone has the strength to move on. it just might take a little while is all. you just broke up? man, take this as an opportunity for yourself to take a little time off in general. don't go around hooking up or whatever trying to fill the void...take care of your self as an individual. find things to keep yourself busy. splurge a little on yourself.
  • psycsnacha

    Posts: 161

    May 29, 2013 12:34 PM GMT
    Find a relationship therapist with experience with gay couples. I've been in 2 LTRs (the current is at 5 years; and we just navigated a near break up) and the problems/resentments that can arise within them are complex. Too complex to be resolved with heart-to-heart talks because the resentments held on each side makes all heart-to-hearts degenerate into battles of ego. It sounds like you both need to see a couples therapist. Don't balk at the thought, or the money involved. Also, talk to older couples who've made it beyond the 15-20 year mark. Their advice is golden. Your ego must evolve in order to make an LTR work. By ego I don't mean arrogance, I mean the inherently self protective quality that we all have.

    Good luck man
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    May 29, 2013 12:58 PM GMT
    Write a letter about how you feel...why do you want to get back together, why have you break up in the first place.
    apologize for what you did...because, sometimes, a letter makes more sense & has more emotions than talking to the person face to face.
    But, do it with honesty, tell him the truth...
    & don't expect neither he would reject nor accept you.

    Keep posting updates.
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    May 29, 2013 1:58 PM GMT
    A wise friend gave me some really odd advice when I was in this situation once. He said..."think about everything you disliked about him". I'm not one for dwelling on the negative but it does put things into perspective. You left him for reasons that don't seem clear now because you miss the good stuff...refocus and realize you split for reasons you will come to understand more fully in time. I hope you have a better day ...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2013 2:39 PM GMT
    Move on and learn from your experience. It sounds like there was something missing since you both were quick to look elsewhere. Now you're clinging on to a comfort zone, spread your wings and fly little birdieā€¦.you can do it.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    May 29, 2013 2:40 PM GMT
    You're 20 years old and have been in a relationship for 5 years? No wonder you're freaking out -- and no wonder the two of you have reached this point.

    First of all, count your blessings. You're one of the truly rare gay young men who have actually had 'dating and relationship experience' in your teen years. So basically you've been going steady for 5 years.

    It also isn't much wonder that the two of you have hit a place where you're feeling the need to explore your sexuality outside the box you two put yourself in. Most teenagers, regardless of their orientation, do this. You haven't. Perhaps it is time you both did.

    Does this mean the absolute end of your relationship? Well -- that depends on you guys. *DO* you love one another enough to give each other some exploration space? Do you love one another enough to forgive each other for doing so? Do you want to be together enough to get beyond whatever goes on now? And whatever you think the answer to these questions are for you right now, how will you feel a year or two from now?

    I'm just saying, it isn't *that* unusual for couples to go through rough spots, break up, and then get back together again -- sometimes a year or two down the line. Even married heteros sometimes do that. Not saying it *will* happen, just that it is a possibility if *both* of you want it to be.

    As for the pain you're feeling, I can relate. Been there and felt it many, many times. Like, for example, when my first partner died or my second partner literally disappeared. It can hurt so much all you can do is cry and it feels like you'll never get over it.

    It's called grief. Even if there isn't a death of a person, it is a death of a relationship, the end of something that was but is no more -- and if love was involved, it hurts. You really can't expect it to feel any other way. It is a loss, whether it is permanent or temporary.

    Get as many hugs from friends as you can. Take a lot of deep breaths. Go for walks or do things that are fun, or at least keep you distracted for periods of time. *If* there is any hope of getting back together, keep that in your mind but don't *obsess* about it. If *not* then begin to let go and move on, little by little. Do what feels right for you, however long it takes. Heal.

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    May 29, 2013 10:06 PM GMT
    ^^^

    1zea1om.jpg
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    May 29, 2013 10:48 PM GMT
    I agree with most everything that MikeW has to say, especially his questioning.

    From my end, I would say there is no right way to react in a breakup. It sounds like there is a lot of regret, doubt, and an overwhelming desire to not want to deal with it all. This is a natural reaction that a lot of people have in arguments and breakup situations.

    As for thinking you don't have the strength to go through this, that is a valid response too, because you don't. However, you are building the strength to get through this. You are developing within yourself the capacity to know what you want out of a relationship, figuring out your feelings, and making choices. Those aren't things a person has, but something that persons develop in time. You are becoming stronger.

    My heart goes out to you Kristoff.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2013 1:03 AM GMT
    MikeW saidYou're 20 years old and have been in a relationship for 5 years? No wonder you're freaking out -- and no wonder the two of you have reached this point.

    First of all, count your blessings. You're one of the truly rare gay young men who have actually had 'dating and relationship experience' in your teen years. So basically you've been going steady for 5 years.

    It also isn't much wonder that the two of you have hit a place where you're feeling the need to explore your sexuality outside the box you two put yourself in. Most teenagers, regardless of their orientation, do this. You haven't. Perhaps it is time you both did.

    Does this mean the absolute end of your relationship? Well -- that depends on you guys. *DO* you love one another enough to give each other some exploration space? Do you love one another enough to forgive each other for doing so? Do you want to be together enough to get beyond whatever goes on now? And whatever you think the answer to these questions are for you right now, how will you feel a year or two from now?

    I'm just saying, it isn't *that* unusual for couples to go through rough spots, break up, and then get back together again -- sometimes a year or two down the line. Even married heteros sometimes do that. Not saying it *will* happen, just that it is a possibility if *both* of you want it to be.

    As for the pain you're feeling, I can relate. Been there and felt it many, many times. Like, for example, when my first partner died or my second partner literally disappeared. It can hurt so much all you can do is cry and it feels like you'll never get over it.

    It's called grief. Even if there isn't a death of a person, it is a death of a relationship, the end of something that was but is no more -- and if love was involved, it hurts. You really can't expect it to feel any other way. It is a loss, whether it is permanent or temporary.

    Get as many hugs from friends as you can. Take a lot of deep breaths. Go for walks or do things that are fun, or at least keep you distracted for periods of time. *If* there is any hope of getting back together, keep that in your mind but don't *obsess* about it. If *not* then begin to let go and move on, little by little. Do what feels right for you, however long it takes. Heal.



    This actually helped icon_smile.gif Thank you icon_smile.gif
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    May 30, 2013 1:19 AM GMT
    Kristoff saidThis actually helped icon_smile.gif Thank you icon_smile.gif

    Yer welcome icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2013 1:30 AM GMT
    You're 20, still young, you can still fuck up a lot in life. I'd say don't sweat it too much, learn from your lesson for the next guy. There are gay guys who broke up with their partners 10+ years into it, so don't feel alone. Best of luck.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3525

    May 30, 2013 9:34 AM GMT
    your first 10 relationships are just for practice. go get the other 9.
  • wherewillwebe

    Posts: 120

    May 30, 2013 10:49 AM GMT
    FloridaCarFan saidA wise friend gave me some really odd advice when I was in this situation once. He said..."think about everything you disliked about him". I'm not one for dwelling on the negative but it does put things into perspective. You left him for reasons that don't seem clear now because you miss the good stuff...refocus and realize you split for reasons you will come to understand more fully in time. I hope you have a better day ...


    This is a very good advice. When I had a hard time getting over my ex, this helped me get through so much.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2013 11:56 AM GMT
    Apparition saidyour first 10 relationships are just for practice. go get the other 9.


    lol. i like this.