Financial Differences b/w couples...help.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2013 2:56 PM GMT
    I know that there a lot of factors that make or break successful relationships. I've been dating this guy for a little over a month now and he's wonderful in a lot of areas (emotional connection, good looking, physically fit, hot sex..etc etc)

    The only problem is his financial background and mine are a little on opposite spectrums and will likely continue to be that way. We've discussed what our career goals are. His are passionate and admirable (related to human rights/activism) but generally offer poor compensation for their services. I work in healthcare now and plan on going for the MD.

    That being said while I'm ok now I will be in a financial hole as well for the next few years and I don't know if we can really support one another.

    To sum it up: Is money/ financial stability ever a good reason to break up with someone? I feel like some sort of elitist snob even asking this question.

    Advice?

  • May 30, 2013 3:55 PM GMT
    Nope. There is nothing wrong with it. It just means you have other priorities in life at the moment.

    Your priority is to be a MD and make more money later on in life. It may be actually better for you to be single and stay focused for a while.

    However, ask yourself this question. Can you find another guy like him after you are rich? Just ask yourself this question. If you think you can, then just move on.

    Imagine that you made all those money later in life... and you have no one to share it with you. Find the balance.

    Don't let your work life takes over you and vice versa. Don't like your sex life takes over your work life.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2013 3:58 PM GMT
    My brother's wife hasn't worked since they married. They have a wonderful relationship. Gay people can be so fucked up. Why not wait until you're a doctor. Then you can just get a houseboy.
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    May 30, 2013 4:20 PM GMT
    chinesefollower saidNope. There is nothing wrong with it. It just means you have other priorities in life at the moment.

    Your priority is to be a MD and make more money later on in life. It may be actually better for you to be single and stay focused for a while.

    However, ask yourself this question. Can you find another guy like him after you are rich? Just ask yourself this question. If you think you can, then just move on.

    Imagine that you made all those money later in life... and you have no one to share it with you. Find the balance.

    Don't let your work life takes over you and vice versa. Don't like your sex life takes over your work life.


    Despite that we've dated only a month, I do care about him a lot. We're both the same age and college grads, I have a masters and him with his BS.

    I'm not looking to be a sugardaddy by any means, I guess I just worry that if I was ever incapacitated for some reason that I'd be able to rely on someone until I became well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2013 5:00 PM GMT
    No, Money/financial stability should never be the reason to break up.
    but Irresponsible & careless behaviour may lead to dispute.

    My bf is very poor and also naive...but still, though sometimes it made me discomfort, but I never waste money on unnecessary things & this made our relationship a little less complicated.

  • May 30, 2013 8:54 PM GMT
    People break up for variety of reasons.

    Is your fear based on "money" or the fact that he has different views on career than you?

    Different views can be uncomfortable. He may be happy eating McDonald everyday while you want $30-40 meal everyday.

    If you live like you are afraid you are going to get incapacitated, then you are going to have a very stressful life...

    I am the type that always feel you are entitled to what you WANT in life. Other people's view on how you should live your life is just more burden on your decision.

    There is NOTHING wrong if you feel your partner should have similar background/financial status as you are. Just like there are people who feel money shouldn't be an issue. It's your life.

    If you think having a partner that has similar Views and Money as you are is IMPORTANT, then find that partner and make yourself happier. Don't let people tell you that "money" shouldn't be an issue in a relationship because that's how they VIEW their lives. Not you. Obviously, you think having financial stability is important and it is.

    If you already question after one-month, then chances are, you have doubts. Doubt is the first sign of upcoming conflicts which will require both of you to compromise later. If both of you can't compromise, then move on. Find someone that suits you better.
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    May 31, 2013 2:29 AM GMT
    chinesefollower said
    However, ask yourself this question. Can you find another guy like him after you are rich? Just ask yourself this question. If you think you can, then just move on.


    honestly... this is a very stupid question to be asking yourself, unless your content with being with gold diggers for the rest of your life.

    also the question has such an obvious answer icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2013 2:32 AM GMT
    Money would not be a reason for me to break it off with someone I cared about
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    May 31, 2013 3:23 AM GMT
    You say: "I'm ok now I will be in a financial hole as well for the next few years and I don't know if we can really support one another."

    Key word here is support, as support comes in many forms, some of them priceless.
    It has only been a month--cut the guy loose, so he may find a man that appreciates him for the man he is, not the money he makes.
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    May 31, 2013 3:40 AM GMT
    benny5858 said
    Advice?

    Are you supporting him, is he a drain on your resources? Would you have more money available with him, or without him?

    Or are you assuming that if you move on, you'll find someone with more money? Wouldn't that be a bit mercenary?

    You've already told us what a great guy he is in many areas. Is he willing to struggle with you, to help you get through medical school?

    Truth is, if I were him I'd cut you loose. I knew a guy who helped his BF through medical school, paid much of the way. And when his BF was a doctor, the BF ditched him. The guy's purpose had been served, no return on the "investment", just out the door. No contract in force, any money spent on med school was his bad luck.

    I sense this in you, as well, benny. Have you considered school loans? Many new doctors default on them anyway, according to the stats I've read, so maybe that would suit you best.
  • Danskerb

    Posts: 286

    May 31, 2013 3:42 AM GMT
    Im feeling frustrated that my partner is most likely going to be making more money than me. Wish i could change that up.
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    May 31, 2013 4:06 AM GMT
    bxp011 saidIm feeling frustrated that my partner is most likely going to be making more money than me. Wish i could change that up.

    I've had BFs who were worth much more than me (millionaires, actually), yet I made more than both my partners. To one BF it was a big deal - he would say to me he could love me more if I had his millions. icon_eek.gif

    WTF does THAT mean? And yet I always paid my own way, never took anything from him or any guy. Still, my lesser financial status obsessed him, and he told me it was a deal breaker.

    On the other hand, the income of my late and current partners couldn't have mattered less to me. I loved THEM, not their bank accounts. And if I made/make more than them, who's counting?

    I suppose every couple is different. But the only problem I'd have would be the complete deadbeat, who earns NOTHING, does nothing, and relies entirely upon me, a leech.

    Fortunately I've never experienced that, and so long as my lover can support himself, I'm mostly oblivious to any income difference. With both my partners I asked them to manage our money, something I detest, and so I really don't know what either of us is worth. Very little at present, I believe, but enough that I apparently need not worry about it, our needs being modest.

    I dunno... if you love a guy, do you each need to weigh your cash on a scale, to see which one has the most?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2013 4:26 AM GMT
    It is interesting that money is the cause for most breakups and divorces among heterosexual couples. Seems like the issue can pervade the gay community as well.

    To address your issue:

    If you can overlook your boyfriend's financial shortcomings (or accept them), then you will be fine. If that is a deal-breaker, then move on otherwise you are both going to be unhappy. If he is a great guy and you are the same, you'll both find other people. Everyone has their deal-breakers so I will not judge you on yours.

    The only time finances become an issue with me is if I have to support the other person because of their laziness or if we cannot go out (dining, vacations, etc) because they are unable to afford anything.

  • TheBizMan

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    May 31, 2013 4:41 AM GMT
    Harry7785 saidNo, Money/financial stability should never be the reason to break up.


    You're joking right? This is a HUGE reason people break up.
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    May 31, 2013 5:01 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidYou say: "I'm ok now I will be in a financial hole as well for the next few years and I don't know if we can really support one another."

    Key word here is support, as support comes in many forms, some of them priceless.
    It has only been a month--cut the guy loose, so he may find a man that appreciates him for the man he is, not the money he makes.


    My thoughts exactly.

    Maybe fighting for marriage rights has been mistaken. Let's be happy with merger rights. Do you, the corporation of top, take you, the nonprofit of bottom...

    Of course money issues are important in that people need to be responsible. But there's lots of ways of abusing money and not just by spending more than you have.

    I think this speaks to a bigger issue than money or than handling it responsibly or making enough. Rather it questions our willingness and even our ability for taking responsibility for another person's life. And the OP wants to be a doctor. For what, the billings? If that's your main motivation, I hope you fail.

    This is something engrained in the hetero world but not in ours. They're responsible for their wives and their kids but our community, having been locked out of that by their community, doesn't have a history of taking care of each other. We've never had the acceptance of the society at large nor structures of law to reinforce that.

    It's beyond disgusting that religion and society has ravaged us so terrible. It's sad & pathetic when we do it to ourselves.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2013 5:06 AM GMT
    Well, your patients are off limits.

    I tried to form an enduring relationship with a hot MD/specialist. He saw an exhausting number of patients so he could take Fridays off(always out of town.) Physically, sex was amazing once it happened. But, I sensed he had no motivation to come out as gay, or he was taking me for granted so I broke it off.

    Are gays throwing themselves at you now or do you have to make the effort?

    Does the "Batman" lifestyle appeal to you?
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    May 31, 2013 5:27 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidYou say: "I'm ok now I will be in a financial hole as well for the next few years and I don't know if we can really support one another."

    Key word here is support , as support comes in many forms, some of them priceless.


    +1,000,000,000


  • Amelorn

    Posts: 231

    May 31, 2013 5:29 AM GMT
    I would argue that class differences are much more important long-term than money, while the reverse is true in the short term (ie, dates fall apart if one has $20 each week disposable while the other wants drinks at the Salon de Ning).

    More importantly, are you two thinking on the same level? Vaguely similar tastes, world views, etc.
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    May 31, 2013 5:55 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidYou say: "I'm ok now I will be in a financial hole as well for the next few years and I don't know if we can really support one another."

    Key word here is support, as support comes in many forms, some of them priceless.
    It has only been a month--cut the guy loose, so he may find a man that appreciates him for the man he is, not the money he makes.


    ^This.
  • Doodles

    Posts: 33

    May 31, 2013 6:13 AM GMT
    I say that if you two both support each other, respect each others financial differences, and both are happy with whatever life choices (financial, career, etc.) you both make... then it there is no need to break up/end a relationship.
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    May 31, 2013 6:59 AM GMT
    Money is a good enough reason to break up with someone if you make it out to be. Yeah, you sound like a Snob for saying this! Your bf is dedicated to his cause/activism, if his job makes him happy, then you should be happy for him. If you think he's not in the same league as your *Earning* or good enough for you, Gee, break up with the poor guy so someone else can love and appreciate him for his heart and not his *Bank Balance.

    Most rich guys end up alone in the end because they want a hot, rich perfect bf which most don't come to their standards. Lol, good luck with that.

    *Money can't buy you love. !! Look at all the celeb's divorces, Paul McCartney & Heather Mills....etc.
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    May 31, 2013 7:40 AM GMT
    benny5858 said
    chinesefollower saidNope. There is nothing wrong with it. It just means you have other priorities in life at the moment.

    Your priority is to be a MD and make more money later on in life. It may be actually better for you to be single and stay focused for a while.

    However, ask yourself this question. Can you find another guy like him after you are rich? Just ask yourself this question. If you think you can, then just move on.

    Imagine that you made all those money later in life... and you have no one to share it with you. Find the balance.

    Don't let your work life takes over you and vice versa. Don't like your sex life takes over your work life.


    Despite that we've dated only a month, I do care about him a lot. We're both the same age and college grads, I have a masters and him with his BS.

    I'm not looking to be a sugardaddy by any means, I guess I just worry that if I was ever incapacitated for some reason that I'd be able to rely on someone until I became well.


    The bolded part contradicts the situation you described in your original post. If it's money you're worried about should an accident ever happen to you, then it's not his financial situation that's the problem; rather, it's your's! You need to make sure you have the proper healthcare insurance during the time of your residency. This insurance needs to have an adequate longterm care coverage that will meet your needs.

    Hopefully, an accident will not occur but if it did and during your road to wellness, the question becomes whether or not your bf will have the patience to help you through your recovery. This...you need to talk to him about! Good luck!
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    May 31, 2013 8:05 AM GMT
    xsocalguy8x saidMoney is a good enough reason to break up with someone if you make it out to be. Yeah, you sound like a Snob for saying this! Your bf is dedicated to his cause/activism, if his job makes him happy, then you should be happy for him. If you think he's not in the same league as your *Earning* or good enough for you, Gee, break up with the poor guy so someone else can love and appreciate him for his heart and not his *Bank Balance.

    Most rich guys end up alone in the end because they want a hot, rich perfect bf which most don't come to their standards. Lol, good luck with that.

    *Money can't buy you love. !! Look at all the celeb's divorces, Paul McCartney & Heather Mills....etc.


    So I'm supposed to foot the bill so my boyfriend can go run off and fight obesity?

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    May 31, 2013 9:21 AM GMT
    TheBizMan said
    Harry7785 saidNo, Money/financial stability should never be the reason to break up.


    You're joking right? This is a HUGE reason people break up.

    No, I'm not...but, why is it a huge reason? are people looking for money or for a partner?
    As I said "Irresponsible and careless" this attitude may lead, but simply lack of money doesn't mean that they have to break up.
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    May 31, 2013 10:40 AM GMT
    This isn't about him. At all. It's about you, your values, and what kind of life you want to have.

    The comment from one poster above about this partner's "financial shortcomings" is laughable - and sad at the same time.

    How many people have all the money they need and are living lives they absolutely hate? The only thing money buys you is choices -- your level of happiness in life will be determined by the corresponding choices you make.

    If this guy enriches your life, lives passionately, is responsible with his available financial resources -- and makes you strive to be a better person - my advice for you is to stick with him ...but only if you can accept being with a great guy who happens to not make a lot of money.

    But if you view him as somehow less worthy by virtue of his income, by all means do yourselves both a favor and break up now. It really is that simple.