FWB becoming friends

  • Florida_guy

    Posts: 55

    May 31, 2013 2:00 AM GMT
    I'll try to keep this concise. I've been talking to this 27 yr old for a year and a half now. For the last year we've texted almost everyday and talking on the phone a lot. I met him on grindr and we started off cuddling, kissing, oral, essentially we were dating without the title. This whole time though he's been sleeping with one of his best friends, who is his ex. So I knew there wouldn't be a relationship with us.

    Around late February I called it quits with him because I knew he didn't care for me the same way I cared for him. He's the first guy I've ever loved. That being said, I know he really cares about me. Back in our peak I would spend the night at his place like four times a week. So I don't doubt he cares for me.

    After like 2 weeks we started talking again. We both missed one another. In late April I messaged his ex on Jack'd, his ex hates me and I wanted to make peace. My friend didn't appreciate this. He ignored me for like a week and once he finally talked to me again he made it clear we would never fool around with me again.

    This month of May has been really rough between us. We've been arguing repeatedly and I don't know how to do right by him. He became one of my best friends over the course of this year, and I don't want to lose him.

    I guess i'm asking you all, what should I do? Or how do I fix this? Please be nice to me, this is a real question. Thanks.
  • Florida_guy

    Posts: 55

    May 31, 2013 2:27 AM GMT
    I should probably add that i think about him all day when we aren't talking ie. when he is ignoring me, so I feel like a complete mess right now. I can be pretty irrational when I message him in these moods.
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    May 31, 2013 5:06 AM GMT
    Have you guys tried talking to each other about why you argue so much? You both may know why you do, but might do some good to talk it over with each other face-to-face. Do you know what each other want out of your relationship? Friends? More than that? May also do some good to try to get on the same page with your relationship to each other. Does he still have feelings for his ex that he's either not expressing or are getting in the way?

    Just some questions to think about. I don't claim to be a relationship expert my any means, but sounds like you two really just need to talk. Not get confrontational with each other, be honest with each other, and just have a good talk to get on the same page and see where each other is coming from. It sounds like you really care about him and have had good times in the past. I wouldn't give up on him yet if you care about him so much. If nothing else at least a friendship.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 31, 2013 12:36 PM GMT
    see, the problem is you're 21. everything will be all right when you're 22.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    May 31, 2013 1:00 PM GMT
    Try not and be rational here.
    No need for dramatics and theatre. Just ask if he wants to hang out again? Don't make a big deal about it--and get all cray like possessive and emotional and shit.

    Just be ur fun self to hang out with and take it from there. Just see him and see what happens.
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    May 31, 2013 1:05 PM GMT
    If he doesn't want to remain friends, then move on! Know your own worth as a friend and if he doesn't care to have it, then he's not worthy of it anyway.
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    May 31, 2013 1:16 PM GMT
    Messaging the ex on a cruising app wasn't the best of ideas.

    I think you still have your little crush on him but look at the facts - he doesn't want you, the friendship is tarnished because of the awkward relationship you have with his ex. You're acting like Julia Roberts' character in My Best Friends Wedding.

    My advice: Move on.
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    May 31, 2013 1:33 PM GMT
    I say move on. Don't waste your time on a friendship that already has issues. They will probably just get worse. I've had people who I thought were life long friends (40+ years) who showed their true colors and I just had to say, NO MORE. Some people are evil and hide it well. Best wishes.

    ETA: I have also had FWB relationships that have spanned years and I did and do have feelings that are not reciprocated. But I still enjoy every minute I spend with those guys. So I know how hard it is to end something that you wish could be more.
  • Florida_guy

    Posts: 55

    May 31, 2013 1:57 PM GMT
    Import saidTry not and be rational here.
    No need for dramatics and theatre. Just ask if he wants to hang out again? Don't make a big deal about it--and get all cray like possessive and emotional and shit.

    Just be ur fun self to hang out with and take it from there. Just see him and see what happens.


    I think one of the biggest problems I'm having is we usually see each other multiple times a week. But because of how difficult this past month has been, I've only seen him twice in May. And the two times I did see him it didn't seem like he wanted to be there.


    And someone said earlier we should just talk, that's not a great option. I've tried talking about how i feel with him and he shuts down. He doesn't like talking about feelings at all.

    I guess, how do I make him see that we can return to how our friendship was when it was more fun, instead of a burden? Will that take a long time, or is it something i can try and remedy quickly?
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    May 31, 2013 2:19 PM GMT
    Since it's breakfast time, I'll read into my tea leaves (coffee grinds, really).

    Your smooch is not that ex with his ex. He got upset when you contacted him because in all likelihood he has been telling him and you a completely different story.

    Given how lovesick you are, I would think your FWB is going to be very cautious about approaching you again. Clearly, you want more than he is willing or able to give, and that's built-in frustration for both of you.

    Not reading tea leaves anymore, but from past experience: make a clean break. Explain what's going on, then do no contact him, and block him from contacting you. You need time to process your emotions and tear the pain out of your soul. Once that's happened, you can be friends again.

    You see: right now you risk completely wrecking your friendship forever. Let it go, and you can be friends again in a year.
  • Florida_guy

    Posts: 55

    May 31, 2013 2:24 PM GMT
    themachine said
    You see: right now you risk completely wrecking your friendship forever. Let it go, and you can be friends again in a year.


    I'm a senior in college right now, I go to UF, so i'll actually be gone in a year. I know in a perfect world it would probably be best to give each other a few months of space. But I don't have a lot of time here. And I probably won't come back after I graduate. So I don't know if/when i'll see him again once I leave. This is in Gainesville, FL and I plan to move to New York. So I don't see myself making that long trip to visit one friend.

    I really want to make the most of the time I have left with him. He is one of my best friends now.
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    May 31, 2013 3:07 PM GMT
    All too often we are quick to give up on what we want in the Gay world... There is always better fish in the sea... I think the saying goes...

    Reality is... You want something!! GO FOR IT! Don't settle for anything less. Put in a good amount of effort, and make your decision as it comes...

    It might be in your best interest to move on however if you two both have that unique amazing connection perhaps he just needs to see it! Lay it out and tell him what you want and don't want.

    Then make your decision...

    (I write this with the expectation that we all go for what we want, not being afraid of rejection or dismissal. We move forward and learn as we go, just be true to yourself.)
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    May 31, 2013 3:43 PM GMT
    Florida_guy said
    Import saidTry not and be rational here.
    No need for dramatics and theatre. Just ask if he wants to hang out again? Don't make a big deal about it--and get all cray like possessive and emotional and shit.

    Just be ur fun self to hang out with and take it from there. Just see him and see what happens.


    I think one of the biggest problems I'm having is we usually see each other multiple times a week. But because of how difficult this past month has been, I've only seen him twice in May. And the two times I did see him it didn't seem like he wanted to be there.


    And someone said earlier we should just talk, that's not a great option. I've tried talking about how i feel with him and he shuts down. He doesn't like talking about feelings at all.

    I guess, how do I make him see that we can return to how our friendship was when it was more fun, instead of a burden? Will that take a long time, or is it something i can try and remedy quickly?


    Then stop talking about "feelings" icon_rolleyes.gif
    That gets annoying. Just hang out and have fun and relax. No need to constantly bring up ur feelings and how u feel. If he has fun around u and feels comfortable around u...he will want to see you. If you're constantly talking about ur feelings and getting upset and trying to get him to talk about his feelings....he will put distance between of the 2 of u.
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    May 31, 2013 4:09 PM GMT
    Florida_guy said This whole time though he's been sleeping with one of his best friends, who is his ex. So I knew there wouldn't be a relationship with us.



    You said it yourself.

    You became emotional attached to someone who is unavailable then fooled yourself into thinking it could actually turn into something real.
    I hate to sound harsh, but it sounds like you were a fuck buddy / FWB to this guy, nothing more...from what I read there doesn't seem to be a possibility of anything more including a genuine friendship.
    You seem to be in quite a bit of pain over this guy to the point of obsessing over him, I feel for ya, but the pain will ease once you put this guy behind you.
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    May 31, 2013 4:33 PM GMT
    After like 2 weeks we started talking again. We both missed one another. In late April I messaged his ex on Jack'd, his ex hates me and I wanted to make peace. My friend didn't appreciate this. He ignored me for like a week and once he finally talked to me again he made it clear we would never fool around with me again. Walk me through this a little more - why did you message the ex, and why was this guy so upset about it? This is the turning point and I would like to hear what that was about in more detail.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    May 31, 2013 6:07 PM GMT
    what in the sam hell made you decide i will go and talk with his ex? i mean its insane dude. not to mention his ex hates you so i see no reason why you would have it in your head that this would be ok. i do get it you are in your 20's everything makes sense to you in your head. jeeze, i do not know what to tell you other than give him his space. if it is meant for you to be together as friends or lovers it will be. i know it sounds a bit cliche but it is the truth buddy.
  • Florida_guy

    Posts: 55

    May 31, 2013 6:22 PM GMT
    Yeah, in retrospect it wasn't a great idea messaging his ex. Story behind that. My friend and I went to a club one night, and we ran into his friends and that included his ex. All his friends made an effort to say hi to me and introduce themselves, except for his ex who i had already met once before. As they were getting ready to leave, I heard his ex say something about how the situation was really awkward and so on. Needless to say I was annoyed the rest of the night because once his friends got to the club he wouldn't dance with me anymore and he said it was just because he was tired. Which I know isn't true.

    So the next day I messaged his ex, explaining that I want to make peace between the two of us. His ex is 31 so a ten year age difference between us. He messaged back saying he didn't like or dislike me and some other stuff. He told my friend who then ignored me for like a week because he said my behavior was very offputting/crazy.

    When he finally did start talking to me again I apologized and explained I meant nothing mean spirited by it. But it pretty much scarred our friendship.
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    May 31, 2013 6:25 PM GMT
    Florida_guy said I don't have a lot of time here. And I probably won't come back after I graduate. So I don't know if/when i'll see him again once I leave.

    If you are so keenly aware of this then why are you putting yourself through all this drama? talking to his ex in an attempt make nice to him, talking about feelings with someone who, by your own admission, you are not likely to ever see again beyond the near future, breaking up then making up then breaking up... etc? just have a good time where you are, focus on what you are primarily there for (studies) and get rid of the drama. Or you probably enjoy the drama being fully aware you aren't going to be there for long?
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    May 31, 2013 6:29 PM GMT
    Florida_guy saidYeah, in retrospect it wasn't a great idea messaging his ex. Story behind that. My friend and I went to a club one night, and we ran into his friends and that included his ex. All his friends made an effort to say hi to me and introduce themselves, except for his ex who i had already met once before. As they were getting ready to leave, I heard his ex say something about how the situation was really awkward and so on. Needless to say I was annoyed the rest of the night because once his friends got to the club he wouldn't dance with me anymore and he said it was just because he was tired. Which I know isn't true.

    So the next day I messaged his ex, explaining that I want to make peace between the two of us. His ex is 31 so a ten year age difference between us. He messaged back saying he didn't like or dislike me and some other stuff. He told my friend who then ignored me for like a week because he said my behavior was very offputting/crazy.

    When he finally did start talking to me again I apologized and explained I meant nothing mean spirited by it. But it pretty much scarred our friendship.
    Seems to me your intentions were good, but really unnecessary here. Having heard more about it now, it really sounds like the whole situation between your former FWB and ex is crazy screwed up and entangled.

    Best advice is to let him go and find someone else to be with. This guy sounds like he's not a suitable partner - at least not at the moment.

    And try not to beat yourself up about it - these kinds of situations happen to guys at any age.
  • Florida_guy

    Posts: 55

    May 31, 2013 6:31 PM GMT
    TellMeMoar said
    Florida_guy said I don't have a lot of time here. And I probably won't come back after I graduate. So I don't know if/when i'll see him again once I leave.

    If you are so keenly aware of this then why are you putting yourself through all this drama? talking to his ex in an attempt make nice to him, talking about feelings with someone who, by your own admission, you are not likely to ever see again beyond the near future, breaking up then making up then breaking up... etc? just have a good time where you are, focus on what you are primarily there for (studies) and get rid of the drama. Or you probably enjoy the drama being fully aware you aren't going to be there for long?


    Ha. Trust me, I don't enjoy the drama. Like I said above, this guy has become one of my best friends. I've put him above a lot of other friends I have. He isn't just a random fuck bud. That's why I don't want to lose him. I've invested a lot of time and my energy into this friendship. For example, I actually helped him get back into college to finish his bachelors degree. I've legitimately been a good friend to him.
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    May 31, 2013 6:38 PM GMT
    Florida_guy said... He isn't just a random fuck bud. That's why I don't want to lose him. I've invested a lot of time and my energy into this friendship. .

    And yet....
    Florida_guy said I don't have a lot of time here. And I probably won't come back after I graduate. So I don't know if/when i'll see him again once I leave.

    Which means you might lose him. It is hard to maintain long distance relationships of any kind. Besides at both your ages you are likely to move places a bit before you settle down and will lose touch. It will take a lot of effort to stay in touch over the years.
  • muscsportsguy

    Posts: 133

    May 31, 2013 7:07 PM GMT
    Florida_guy said
    TellMeMoar said
    Florida_guy said I don't have a lot of time here. And I probably won't come back after I graduate. So I don't know if/when i'll see him again once I leave.

    If you are so keenly aware of this then why are you putting yourself through all this drama? talking to his ex in an attempt make nice to him, talking about feelings with someone who, by your own admission, you are not likely to ever see again beyond the near future, breaking up then making up then breaking up... etc? just have a good time where you are, focus on what you are primarily there for (studies) and get rid of the drama. Or you probably enjoy the drama being fully aware you aren't going to be there for long?


    Ha. Trust me, I don't enjoy the drama. Like I said above, this guy has become one of my best friends. I've put him above a lot of other friends I have. He isn't just a random fuck bud. That's why I don't want to lose him. I've invested a lot of time and my energy into this friendship. For example, I actually helped him get back into college to finish his bachelors degree. I've legitimately been a good friend to him.


    Whether you enjoy the drama or not - you're the one who is directly responsible for it. According to your own account, you were aware that to your "fwb" that's all it was - nothing more. Yet, you've acted as though it was more than that. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad - just pointing out what's obviously true.

    It's equally clear that you want more than a friendship with him, whether you admit that to yourself or not. But you already know that it can't be more than a friendship.

    Bottom line: you need to move on. There may be a point at which your paths cross again and you can be friends with him. But it's not really ever been a friendship as most people would define it. It's been a physical relationship that involves some tangential "hanging out" when you're not having sex. That's not friendship. You want to date him; he doesn't want that. Move on. Sorry to say. icon_sad.gif
  • Florida_guy

    Posts: 55

    May 31, 2013 7:09 PM GMT
    [quote]It is hard to maintain long distance relationships of any kind. Besides at both your ages you are likely to move places a bit before you settle down and will lose touch. It will take a lot of effort to stay in touch over the years.[/quote]

    I understand your logic. But I probably won't stay in touch with most of my friends that I currently have, besides the occasional phone call and seeing each other maybe once in a while.

    I know I deserve to be treated better. Right now he is treating me like shit. But he normally isn't a douche so i'm willing to overlook that. The sad thing is, in gainesville there arent many gay guys who are friend worthy. It's a small town, and being centered around a college everyone is very shallow. And since I'm obviously not the muscular type guys don't really give me the time of day. But my friend does, he's one of the good ones, and that's why I don't want to lose him, no matter what the distant future holds.
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    May 31, 2013 7:21 PM GMT
    I've been in a similar situation, although not as long of a 'relationship' i can more than relate.

    Based on how my friendship ended, I would tell you it's best to stop communicating with him for a while. Not a week, I'm talking maybe the whole summer, then by fall he will miss you too. If he doesn't miss you, unfortunately it's best to move on. In my case I was so attached I couldn't give my guy space, and now we are nowhere near being friends, possibly more like enemies. So just don't push things or force a relationship, that is the WORST thing you could do. It sucks and it reaaaally hurts to stop talking to him, I know, but time will either make or break you in this situation.

    I will say, if after so much time he is still in love with his ex and has not realized you're the one for him, that's even more the reason for you to give him an ultimatum, him or you, he can pick. If he picks the other guy then so be it, if later on he wants you and comes back, consider it if you want, but don't spend your youth waiting around, tons of guys out there, although I know Gville is disappointing lol
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    May 31, 2013 9:35 PM GMT
    too needy, too clingy and too available is boring and very very annoying. dont talk to him, dont reply to his texts and he may come back to you.

    btw i would listen to calibro, he gives best advice.