If a date were like an exam....

  • Tritimium

    Posts: 261

    Jun 04, 2013 4:48 PM GMT
    I've met countless guys over the past 4 years, and not really had anything substantial come of it. I feel a bit like I did in school - getting fails or bad marks but not knowing why, and certainly not knowing what the examiner was looking for. (I know better now - at least about academic exams....)

    I dunno what's going on here. The attraction has rarely been mutual. So, putting a rather artificial structure on it (and I know people hate checklists), what would be good criteria to weigh myself against to know if I'm addressing the main areas guys look for? It's a bit like a music performance exam where such abstract considerations of musicality are equally as important as technical proficiency.

    I've come up with a few myself, but want some input from outside my own head.

    Thoughts?
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    Jun 04, 2013 7:02 PM GMT
    Ahh.. you know, I think we all have some sort of general criteria for the men we meet, like physical appearance and values. Those are sometimes damaging to the creation of genuine relationships, but also somewhat essential, I feel. Our instinct is often right.

    But because these criteria are met, does not mean the person we have in front of us is the right one. I don't believe in soul mates, I think that is a silly preoccupation. Nevertheless, there has to be chemistry, which can hardly be explained in words.

    Chemistry is why we sometimes meet individuals who are nothing like us or nothing like what we thought we were looking for, but that make us feel so alive and happy that it's like those details do not even matter anyway. We all have (had) friends or lovers like that, or at least I hope. And we have all met guys (or girls) who, at first, seemed amazing and very alike to us, and that we were so excited to get to know better, but then realized, after some time (or after meeting IRL if you had only talked online) that, finally, you know, probably it wasn't gonna work, not that way at least. Great guy, just not great guy for me.

    (And this isn't about "love at first sight" or some naive conception that everything has to be perfect in order to be worth it. No man is perfect and there'll never be a "dream man" with whom everything goes well forever. Maybe it's even going to be a disaster at first because you have prejudice. That's why you have to give people their chance. Most people are a bit protective of their true-self at first, it's a very normal mechanism of defense I guess. I know I do it all the time at least.)

    Anyway man, I don't think you should try to address what others are looking for and changing that to be to their liking. That's a destructive behavior.
    If you want to change for a man, go for it. If you think you have to change for a man, good lord, run away.


    And as for the music metaphor, just remember that Martha Argerich did not carry Pogorelich on her shoulders because he was the best, but because he was like no one else; he defied all that was expected from him, in the most polarizing way (he did lose the Chopin International, in the end). Some people think that a laundry list will lead them to the win? Good for them. You don't have to be one of these people.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3516

    Jun 05, 2013 8:36 PM GMT
    my guess, unless you smell, are way too nerdy, have a tiny penis or are an obvious asshole - you are intimidating.

    hot, good body, phd. that could frighten a few guys away,.


    just find someone acceptable looking online list off your favourite movies and see if they like them and if they do say "you are my new boyfriend" , and take off your shirt "you got a problem with that?"

    I think it will work.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2013 8:46 PM GMT
    Never fails, I always end up cramming...icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 05, 2013 8:54 PM GMT
    Or....Unspeakably vulgar.

    I know, you're so used to SINGLE entendres.....
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    Jun 05, 2013 8:58 PM GMT
    Tell me about it....the food here is horrible......icon_mad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2013 9:01 PM GMT
    ...and such small portions......icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jun 05, 2013 9:05 PM GMT
    Apparition saidmy guess, unless you smell, are way too nerdy, have a tiny penis or are an obvious asshole - you are intimidating.

    hot, good body, phd. that could frighten a few guys away.

    I'm sensing that, too - intimidating & intense, maybe even a touch of OCD.

    I had that intimidation problem myself, when I first came out and began gay dating. I was still mentally wearing my Army uniform, still subconsciously using the personal distancing devices I had developed as an Officer, to avoid familiarity with my subordinates at the expense of my authority. Except it was a disastrous trait in gay dating with my equals.

    So I had to pull that old personality structure down and start from scratch. I watched what the socially successful guys were doing, what their own techniques were, and tried to copy them. It actually worked quite well for me, plus it also helped me to relax and feel more natural, to enjoy socializing more, having less of the constant "on-guard" tension I used to have about my career image.

    I'm reminded of my former behavior when the OP equates a date to taking an exam. I used to live that way myself. When I learned to improvise more, and step down from the stage and circulate among the audience, I found more of my "auditions" became successful.
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    Jun 06, 2013 1:02 AM GMT
    My dating seems to be more like pop quizzes...never really quite prepared when it happens..

    I want my dating to be more like a professional licensure exam- one time and you're set for life..
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    Jun 06, 2013 1:21 AM GMT
    Bar2013 saidMy dating seems to be more like pop quizzes...never really quite prepared when it happens..

    I want my dating to be more like a professional licensure exam- one time and you're set for life..


    Not to belabor the analogy, but most licenses require continuing education...
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    Jun 06, 2013 2:24 AM GMT
    swimguychicago said
    Bar2013 saidMy dating seems to be more like pop quizzes...never really quite prepared when it happens..

    I want my dating to be more like a professional licensure exam- one time and you're set for life..

    Not to belabor the analogy, but most licenses require continuing education...

    Hah - clever analogy.

    As for swimguy's comment, all of life can be a pop quiz. If you never want to handle the unexpected and unplanned, then in a way you'll always be unready and unprepared, because life itself throws all kinds of unrehearsed curves at us, whether we like it or not. Your game plan must always allow for the unexpected. In the Army we used terms like contingencies and fall-back plans.

    As for dating specifically, I always say to date for the immediate pleasure of dating, not to propose for marriage. And the more dates with different guys the better - it increases your odds of finding Mr. Right (and the same thing that HE should be doing, too).

    Don't worry, it's not making you a slut, because when the right guy comes along you'll know it, and then the serial dating will stop.

    Sometimes the guy who only dates to marry reminds me of a man shopping for shoes. He walks in and tells the salesperson his size and shoe type, but warns: "I'll only put on 1 pair, and if it's not perfect then I won't try any others and will leave your store."

    Whereas I'll try lots of shoes, until I find the perfect one. And if I don't then I won't buy from them, but go to another store, and another until I do.
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    Jun 06, 2013 4:26 AM GMT
    If a date were like an exam, then people would cram the night before to make sure everything goes well.

    Oh wait...