can't get over him ...

  • bodyhunk123

    Posts: 8

    Jun 05, 2013 9:03 PM GMT
    Hiii there .... so i met this guy... at first it wasn't really my type ... but with time I’ve fallen for him ....... he was cute, charming, tender, smart ...etc .. we were together for 3 months before I started to discover he was kind of manipulative and wanted to take advantage of me - financially - ..

    so i decided to end up the relationship ... thinking that the breakup would be easy, like all my past relationships … but hell no, it wasn’t, it's been 4 months now, and i can barely get over him .. i think about him every day, I’m really in a depressed mood, even friends noticed that.

    Plz wanna know, Is this normal that that the grieving process takes all this time, I’m just lost .
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    Jun 06, 2013 12:34 AM GMT
    Hugs man.
    and yeah, pretty normal; best to try and have some perspective, but a loss is a loss.
    You thank him for opening our heart, for making you feel alive; then move on--occupy yourself with things you like to do or concentrate on learning something new, something you've been wanting to try, and soon you will find yourself thinking about him less and less.
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    Jun 06, 2013 12:45 AM GMT
    I feel for you man but it does get easier, doesn't happen as quickly as you might like, but it will happen. Similar situation with me but around 4 months out something clicked and it wasn't as bad. Six months for me now, I still think of him often but my perspective has changed. Like Justin above said, take the positives from the experience, keep busy and move forward. Remember, you're a great guy and it's his loss.
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    Jun 06, 2013 2:01 AM GMT
    I always contend that the best way to forget an old love is with a new love. I know, easier said than done at times, and you've gotta beware of the rebound effect. But at 4 months you're less likely to be susceptible to that, and the longer you mope about your ex the longer it will take you to get back into circulation.

    Maybe hitch yourself to some partying friends, let them provide the energy you evidently are lacking right now, to get you back up to speed, keep you company, provide some new introductions. Because you really need to force yourself to move on, and staying in grieving mode ain't gonna do it, 4 months is enough. So do what you do when your car battery goes dead - get a jump start from friends.
  • bodyhunk123

    Posts: 8

    Jun 06, 2013 11:17 PM GMT
    Thanks guys, it's kinda relief for me to write about my painfull break up ... cause i've been struggling with that all by myself, ... now i even feel better ... but i might give it extra time to heal
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    Jun 06, 2013 11:23 PM GMT
    And know that when you do find someone new and better (and you will) , you'll remember guy #1 and think "What the hell was I thinking???"

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    Jun 06, 2013 11:32 PM GMT
    strapguy saidAnd know that when you do find someone new and better (and you will) , you'll remember guy #1 and think "What the hell was I thinking???"

    This.

    Forgive ... but never forget ... how manipulative people can harm your life. Take the positive lessons from this relationship and know that better things lie ahead.
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    Jun 06, 2013 11:50 PM GMT
    To get over someone old, get under someone new.
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    Jun 06, 2013 11:59 PM GMT
    Been there done that. Go out have fun and hang out with your friends and family
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    Jun 07, 2013 12:19 AM GMT
    Is part of it because you feel like you were deceived? I know for me when someone starts out charming and then I get to see their true colors, I find myself missing the person I thought they were, which is harder to get past in a way... make any sense?

    Happens with would-be friends too, and still sucks.

    Hope you feel better soon!
  • bodyhunk123

    Posts: 8

    Jun 07, 2013 12:45 PM GMT
    strapguy saidAnd know that when you do find someone new and better (and you will) , you'll remember guy #1 and think "What the hell was I thinking???"



    intellectually, i fully understand that this guy is fake ... ( he only showed what he wanted me to see) , but emotionnaly, i'm having a hard time getting over him ... but as we say: time heals everything ... and i'm still waiting .
  • bodyhunk123

    Posts: 8

    Jun 07, 2013 12:47 PM GMT
    NJShiftyJK saidIs part of it because you feel like you were deceived? I know for me when someone starts out charming and then I get to see their true colors, I find myself missing the person I thought they were, which is harder to get past in a way... make any sense?

    Happens with would-be friends too, and still sucks.

    Hope you feel better soon!


    this is very true ... i'm still missing that person i thought he was ... even though i know now he's fake ... but i'm stuck with the memories and hope to get past that ... it's really hell
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    Jun 07, 2013 12:52 PM GMT
    I could tell you a lot of cliche advice but in the end its just going to take some time for you to realize he is a douche bag that wanted to screw you over.
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Jun 07, 2013 1:06 PM GMT
    The thing about manipulative people is that, if they're good, they draw you in. You must mentally deconstruct the feelings you have for him. Start analyzing what he did to make you feel drawn to him. Once you begin pinpointing these manipulative actions, you see the ruse, and it becomes easier to let go of feelings from a less-than-genuine source.
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    Jun 07, 2013 1:13 PM GMT
    I know that time is subjective but in my opinion, three months is not enough time to develop a bond that most people would consider the same as those in a longterm relationship. I've dated one guy for about 4 months and after the breakup, it took me all of a weekend to get over him. I accept the theory that the possibility of a short recovery could be because I can be such a heartless asshole.

    But OP, I feel for you! As I said, time is subjective and only through time will you eventually heal.
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    Jun 07, 2013 1:33 PM GMT
    bodyhunk123 saidThanks guys, it's kinda relief for me to write about my painfull break up ... cause i've been struggling with that all by myself, ... now i even feel better ... but i might give it extra time to heal
    icon_neutral.gif


    "Chemistry" between guys is pretty much just hormones . Your brain gets saturated with pleasure creating molecules like oxytocin .The way to reset your chemistry is get with a new guy immediately and it will actually erase the chemical memory of him in your brain.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jun 07, 2013 2:23 PM GMT
    Better to grieve now then to grieve later...Later... the losses would have been HUGE...Take care of yourself right now...Spoil yourself...There's a guy out there that will thank the heavens he met ya...and the only thing he'll want to attain to your heart...All the best man
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Jun 07, 2013 3:10 PM GMT
    It takes time, more time.. and then more time, to get over someone. Time heals all wounds. Hang in there. We all been thru something like this. Get busy with life, friends, work, hobbies.. and just keep to no contact.
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    Jun 07, 2013 4:58 PM GMT
    Alpha13 said
    bodyhunk123 saidThanks guys, it's kinda relief for me to write about my painfull break up ... cause i've been struggling with that all by myself, ... now i even feel better ... but i might give it extra time to heal
    icon_neutral.gif


    "Chemistry" between guys is pretty much just hormones . Your brain gets saturated with pleasure creating molecules like oxytocin .The way to reset your chemistry is get with a new guy immediately and it will actually erase the chemical memory of him in your brain.


    Only somewhat true, at least according to a class I took recently. If I understand it correctly, we don't actually erase memories by overwriting them but we can to some degree associate memories with other emotions that were not necessarily associated with them before and by that alter to some degree the emotions previously associated.

    Memories are stored with associated emotion attached. When a memory is brought to mind and then put back into memory, it is restored with the new thinking; however, it's not as if you can entirely get rid of your old thinking because once you bring up a memory with its associated emotions, there it is, in your mind again, and therefore going for the ride back into memory when you store that again.

    So to say that you reset your chemistry like getting your g-spot hit is gonna push some reset button, while descriptive and oh so hopeful might be a bit helpful while also being a bit misleading.

    If someone is able to completely disconnect from what has been experienced, then I'd worry more about some sort of sociopathy than any sort of enlightened evolution which wouldn't require obliterating the past but instead would find ways to live with it.

    More directly towards the OP, while some of what others are saying about the manipulations might be true, you might also want to look at what motivates you. What attracted you to those manipulations? Maybe you're looking for someone to care for. If that is the case, if that is your pattern, then will denying yourself that lead to happy?
  • bodyhunk123

    Posts: 8

    Jun 07, 2013 8:09 PM GMT
    Erik101 saidI know that time is subjective but in my opinion, three months is not enough time to develop a bond that most people would consider the same as those in a longterm relationship. I've dated one guy for about 4 months and after the breakup, it took me all of a weekend to get over him. I accept the theory that the possibility of a short recovery could be because I can be such a heartless asshole.

    But OP, I feel for you! As I said, time is subjective and only through time will you eventually heal.


    you know i thought i was a hearless shit too ... i was usually the tough guy, the heartbreaker ... but this guy broke me into pieces ... don't even recognize myself, how did i get into that
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    Jun 07, 2013 8:12 PM GMT
    bodyhunk123 said
    Erik101 saidI know that time is subjective but in my opinion, three months is not enough time to develop a bond that most people would consider the same as those in a longterm relationship. I've dated one guy for about 4 months and after the breakup, it took me all of a weekend to get over him. I accept the theory that the possibility of a short recovery could be because I can be such a heartless asshole.

    But OP, I feel for you! As I said, time is subjective and only through time will you eventually heal.


    you know i thought i was a hearless shit too ... i was usually the tough guy, the heartbreaker ... but this guy broke me into pieces ... don't even recognize myself, how did i get into that


    Only you will be able to learn from your experience and move forward. I wish we could give you an objective solution. But hang in there and take the time that you need to heal.
  • bodyhunk123

    Posts: 8

    Jun 08, 2013 11:39 AM GMT
    PR_GMR saidIt takes time, more time.. and then more time, to get over someone. Time heals all wounds. Hang in there. We all been thru something like this. Get busy with life, friends, work, hobbies.. and just keep to no contact.


    i'm just trying to stay away from him ... and get busy ... but he keeps recontacting me and show up when i least ecpect ... like yesterday ... it was so overwhelming to me ... i cried a lot ... (i've never cried for a guy before).
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 08, 2013 11:46 AM GMT
    It may be that he "addressed" something in your life you perceived was missing prior and you yearn for that as much as the time with him.

    We all have unique ways of dealing with "losses" of all kinds, a break up being one of them. It might take you some time, maybe 6 months or longer.
    You've heard the "get busy" or "date other people" advice, but that really can help. But until you (mentally) are ready to embrace "the new" and discard the old... you will continue to suffer. Hope you can move on, I can imagine it can be a tough road!
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    Jun 08, 2013 12:24 PM GMT
    In a year you won't even remember his name.
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    Jun 08, 2013 12:41 PM GMT
    Well this is just me personally and to each their own of course, but I wouldn't necessarily try getting over him by rebounding on another guy.
    Sometimes, and granted not all the time, but sometimes it makes matters of the heart more complicated.

    This has been said before so I'm sorry for sounding like a broken record but honestly it's time that will heal it up.
    For the time being, just focus your attention on other things like hobbies, work, spending more time with fam/friends etc. Even discover new hobbies or do something that you always wanted to do but haven't gotten around to.

    Give yourself a different new experience, it might help get your mind off him even at least for a little time.

    Wish you all the best icon_smile.gif