should I give my boyfriend a free pass?

  • demasi

    Posts: 76

    Jun 06, 2013 6:07 AM GMT
    Currently been dating about 8 months.
    everything is going really well.

    he is going overseas and will be london around the time of pride.
    I feel like I really love him.

    He doesnt want a freepass as far as I know, but I was thinking to say he is welcome to have one.
    I dont want one myself to make that clear.

    After being cheated on in my last relationship, I was thinking it might make the relationship stronger to have a bit of a time out and come back to it.
    Or in the long term is it a bad idea? I.e. set a precedent that you can do that kinda stuff all the time whenever you want and effectively just become friends that fuck.

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    Jun 06, 2013 7:14 AM GMT
    If everything is going well, and if you think he doesn't want a free pass, why create a complication by giving him an opportunity to do something that *might become an issue later on?

    Why not have a talk and define what you guys can expect from each other while you're apart? And instead of condoning a one-night stand while you guys are apart, why not begin from a place of trust and fidelity.

    To me, it's as if you're compromising as an effect of what happened in the past, in ways that you think might prevent it from happening again. And yes, setting a precedent such as this is a slippery slope.

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    Jun 06, 2013 7:38 AM GMT
    demasi said
    He doesnt want a freepass as far as I know, but I was thinking to say he is welcome to have one.

    Give a man an inch, he'll take a foot-long dick up his ass. Don't do it gurl...

    demasi saidset a precedent that you can do that kinda stuff all the time whenever you want and effectively just become friends that fuck.


    Or more or less an open-relationship which many guys claim to have. But usually, it's 1 person who is doing all the cheating and the other partner is just sitting back dealing with all the bullshit. You don't wanna be that guy. You guys been together 8 months, which is a bit soon for that.

    I'm not knocking open-relationships by any means. But the ones I know that have been successful, the guys have been together 8 YEARS or 18 YEARS and not months. When they realize there is no other man out there to replace their love, but sex may not be the glue holding things together. It's way too early to be giving free-passes.
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    Jun 06, 2013 1:42 PM GMT
    Talk with him. 8 months is enough time to have this sort of discussion.
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    Jun 06, 2013 2:14 PM GMT
    demasi saidCurrently been dating about 8 months.
    everything is going really well.

    he is going overseas and will be london around the time of pride.
    I feel like I really love him.

    He doesnt want a freepass as far as I know, but I was thinking to say he is welcome to have one.
    I dont want one myself to make that clear.

    After being cheated on in my last relationship, I was thinking it might make the relationship stronger to have a bit of a time out and come back to it.
    Or in the long term is it a bad idea? I.e. set a precedent that you can do that kinda stuff all the time whenever you want and effectively just become friends that fuck.



    It sounds like you have good "fodder" for a great conversation with your partner. If a man sat down and delivered a "gift" of a "free pass" along with the story on why your "gift" is so important, I would really sit up and engage such a meaningful conversation.

    Courageous, open, and honest communication is (in my opinion) the foundation of healthy interpersonal relationships.

    I encourage you to have the conversation which you propose.
  • in_this_corne...

    Posts: 704

    Jun 06, 2013 2:15 PM GMT
    Good or bad, right or wrong, you are opening a can of worms never to be contained again. You sound like you are proactively giving this pass to avoid a situation you experienced in the past. What do YOU want to do? It's not about what he (or what you think he) wants.

    So, you give him this 'pass'. Then what?
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jun 06, 2013 2:18 PM GMT
    Some Things Are Best Left Unsaid.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4432

    Jun 06, 2013 3:16 PM GMT
    in_this_corner saidGood or bad, right or wrong, you are opening a can of worms never to be contained again. You sound like you are proactively giving this pass to avoid a situation you experienced in the past. What do YOU want to do? It's not about what he (or what you think he) wants.

    So, you give him this 'pass'. Then what?

    This. This is truly a Pandora's box. Unless this is what you want and need, and if that is the case at 8 months then you probably should re-evaluate your relationship, then don't go down that road. It does sound like you're reacting to a past hurt.
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    Jun 06, 2013 3:17 PM GMT
    I've learned to define these things upfront, so you need to communicate with him what your preferences are and expectations. Then you don't have to worry about it as much.
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    Jun 06, 2013 3:19 PM GMT
    not
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 06, 2013 3:28 PM GMT
    I agree, communication is key. I'd talk about the 8 months "without" the other and talk about the challenges with that. I wouldn't bring up the "free pass" until or unless one of you believes there to be an issue.
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    Jun 06, 2013 5:51 PM GMT
    If someone said that to me, what I would hear is, "I want to cheat, so I am going to pre-emptively give you permission to do the same, so I don't have to feel guilty about it."
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    Jun 06, 2013 6:15 PM GMT
    "there's so such thing as free lunch!" same adage applies.

    you guys either want an open relationship, or not.

    if not, then focus on making your man happy and building a stable, committed relationship.
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    Jun 06, 2013 6:15 PM GMT
    NJShiftyJK saidIf someone said that to me, what I would hear is, "I want to cheat, so I am going to pre-emptively give you permission to do the same, so I don't have to feel guilty about it."


    Whole heartedly agree with you.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 06, 2013 6:20 PM GMT
    Its funny how we try to fix something thats not broken.

    #TheGayLife.
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    Jun 06, 2013 6:28 PM GMT
    Probably shouldn't take any advice you got in a movie seriously. icon_neutral.gif
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    Jun 06, 2013 6:37 PM GMT
    demasi saidCurrently been dating about 8 months.
    everything is going really well.

    he is going overseas and will be london around the time of pride.
    I feel like I really love him.

    He doesnt want a freepass as far as I know, but I was thinking to say he is welcome to have one.
    I dont want one myself to make that clear.

    After being cheated on in my last relationship, I was thinking it might make the relationship stronger to have a bit of a time out and come back to it.
    Or in the long term is it a bad idea? I.e. set a precedent that you can do that kinda stuff all the time whenever you want and effectively just become friends that fuck.



    Sure, your gay . Why feel compelled to play by str8 married rules ? They really don't apply.
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    Jun 06, 2013 6:43 PM GMT
    Naw gurl, keep his ass on lockdown.
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    Jun 06, 2013 10:07 PM GMT
    rnch saidSome Things Are Best Left Unsaid.


    I don't agree. Avoiding the "rock the boat" mentality is how weeds get planted in with the seeds.
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    Jun 06, 2013 11:33 PM GMT
    demasi saidCurrently been dating about 8 months.
    everything is going really well.

    he is going overseas and will be london around the time of pride.
    I feel like I really love him.

    He doesnt want a freepass as far as I know, but I was thinking to say he is welcome to have one.
    I dont want one myself to make that clear.

    After being cheated on in my last relationship, I was thinking it might make the relationship stronger to have a bit of a time out and come back to it.
    Or in the long term is it a bad idea? I.e. set a precedent that you can do that kinda stuff all the time whenever you want and effectively just become friends that fuck.



    It sounds like you think that he won't be able to control himself during pride, which means one of two things: (1) you don't really trust him and want to give him a free pass in order to save yourself some pain or (2) you think that gay men turn into whores that can't keep their cocks in their pants whenever a pride festival is going on in a given city. Either way, it sounds like your relationship is kinda screwed. After eight months, you either love someone or you don't. "Feeling" like you love someone isn't a good sign.

    If you want to open up your relationship, do it. Don't do it because it's pride. That might be the most ridiculous reason for opening up a relationship that I've ever heard.
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    Jun 06, 2013 11:44 PM GMT
    Gawd, it's all OK. Tell him: if you're going to do something while you're away, please be safe. Just come back to me.
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    Jun 06, 2013 11:47 PM GMT
    Distant relationships are prone to failure, especially if you raise unrealistic expectations.

    You both need to lead your lives, and, after his absence, he wants to pickup where you left off, fine, if not, it's time to let go; live life; and live in the here and now; and not some hopeful fantasy.

    Folks evolve; they change. Our friends change as we walk through life.

    You aren't giving him a free pass. You need to not even look at it that way. You are letting him lead his life, follow his passions, etc. True love is selfless. Time for you to grow up, and accept that.

    Step up be selfless. If he comes back around later, great, but, if not know that you allowed him freedom, without constraint, and did so in a mature and caring way. That's what a grown up does.

    You may well find someone else in the meantime. He may well find someone else in the meantime.

    Proximity has MUCH to do with the success of a relationship.

    Love does NOT demand, but..gives, and is selfless. Learn to be that better person instead of being so selfish.

    Let go. If it all comes back together at some point, fine. If not, be happy in the here and now, and do the right thing: be selfless; save the drama for the theater; open the closet door to new possibilities.
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    Jun 06, 2013 11:53 PM GMT
    EliBro saidNaw gurl, keep his ass on lockdown.


    This the typical emotional immaturity of an 18 year old.

    In time, you will, or at least should, come to understand that you only control you, and not others.

    Bad thinking leads to bad outcomes.
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    Jun 07, 2013 12:27 AM GMT
    Alright, I think there are some good points Chucky's making about the fact that controlling another person isn't the purpose of a healthy relationship.

    However that isn't the same thing as abdicating any position regarding standards. I won't have an open relationship. Will. Not. I prefer my right hand to your open relationship, sorry.

    So dating is, as most social interactions are, a sort of contract. I find exclusivity important. If that's burdensome, then don't date me.
  • ThatSwimmerGu...

    Posts: 3755

    Jun 07, 2013 12:34 AM GMT
    Tell him to be safe and make decisions that you would approve of.