Dear Red States, We Are Seceding

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 30, 2008 5:55 PM GMT
    This is funny. It's long, but worth a read. I am sure John7654320 and a few others will burst a blood vessel.

    "...Dear Red States:
    We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

    In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

    To sum up briefly: You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states.

    We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty .

    You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft.

    You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

    We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

    You get Alabama .

    We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

    Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.

    Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

    With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford , Cal Tech and MIT.

    With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.


    We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

    Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

    Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

    Peace out,
    Blue States..."

    Here. Here.

    John
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 30, 2008 6:01 PM GMT
    Join up with Canada and you will have all the energy you need as well. Except in Canada "red" connotates Liberal and "blue" is conservative so the political semantics could get very confusing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 30, 2008 6:08 PM GMT
    SurrealLife saidJoin up with Canada and you will have all the energy you need as well. Except in Canada "red" connotates Liberal and "blue" is conservative so the political semantics could get very confusing.


    Then we'll just have to combine them and make them Purple States.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 30, 2008 6:11 PM GMT
    ragenbeat said
    SurrealLife saidJoin up with Canada and you will have all the energy you need as well. Except in Canada "red" connotates Liberal and "blue" is conservative so the political semantics could get very confusing.


    Then we'll just have to combine them and make them Purple States.


    I like it! I am already starting to dream up a flag. A bald eagle sitting on a log that a beaver is chewing on? Or how about a maple leaf surrounded by purple stars?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Oct 30, 2008 6:13 PM GMT
    some maple leaves are a purple-maroon, this could work.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 30, 2008 6:30 PM GMT
    fastprof saidThis is funny. It's long, but worth a read. I am sure John7654320 and a few others will burst a blood vessel.

    "...Dear Red States:
    We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

    In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

    To sum up briefly: You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states.

    We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty .

    You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft.

    You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

    We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

    You get Alabama .

    We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

    Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.

    Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

    With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford , Cal Tech and MIT.

    With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.


    We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

    Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

    Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

    Peace out,
    Blue States..."

    Here. Here.

    John



    >APPLAUSE< >APPLAUSE<

    So very clever!

    B787
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 30, 2008 7:02 PM GMT


    The United States of Canada.

    Canamerica. ...the question is, wouldamerica? heh

    UPSNAC! (The United Provinces and States of North American Confederation) pronounced 'upsnack' - kinda like that one, reminds me of an energy bar.

    The flag: Purple maple leafs - one for each prov and territory, surrounding a cluster of stars - one for each state.

    ....It's all because of that gay marriage! Now you have states marrying provinces! Where will it end?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 30, 2008 7:07 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    The United States of Canada.

    Canamerica. ...the question is, wouldamerica? heh

    UPSNAC! (The United Provinces and States of North American Confederation) pronounced 'upsnack' - kinda like that one, reminds me of an energy bar.

    The flag: Purple maple leafs - one for each prov and territory, surrounding a cluster of stars - one for each state.

    ....It's all because of that gay marriage! Now you have states marrying provinces! Where will it end?


    Well we should call the new country North America! Most US citizens say they are Americans. In actual fact so are Canadians. US citizens strictly speaking are United Statesians which is a bit of a mouthful.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 30, 2008 7:13 PM GMT
    fastprof saidThis is funny. It's long, but worth a read. I am sure John7654320 and a few others will burst a blood vessel.

    "...Dear Red States:
    We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

    In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

    To sum up briefly: You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the slave states.

    We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty .

    You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft.

    You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

    We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

    You get Alabama .

    We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

    Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families.

    Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

    With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford , Cal Tech and MIT.

    With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.


    We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

    Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

    Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

    Peace out,
    Blue States..."

    Here. Here.

    John

    Where? Where?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 30, 2008 7:15 PM GMT

    Hey SurrealLife,

    I think North-ern America is a great title too! Adds a little more distance....

    -Doug

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 30, 2008 8:11 PM GMT
    Can DC count in the the blue states? I want in.

    Where can I get some of that fancy weed? haha
  • ArmwrestlerJi...

    Posts: 188

    Oct 30, 2008 9:52 PM GMT
    I love this...please follow up with "how to sign up" info icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 30, 2008 9:58 PM GMT
    zOMG

    Rebels! This means suppression and war of course. To protect the real America.
  • Barricade

    Posts: 457

    Oct 30, 2008 10:00 PM GMT
    I love it, I'm packing now, since Kentucky will not be going. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 30, 2008 10:03 PM GMT
    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 30, 2008 10:18 PM GMT
    Loved it! I need to move to these new United States of New California.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 30, 2008 11:52 PM GMT
    Wait i just noticed he never mentioned FL. Were a blue state can we come too?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2008 12:32 AM GMT
    CaslonHussein7000 said

    Where? Where?


    Oh, OK.

    Hear, Hear!icon_razz.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Oct 31, 2008 12:36 AM GMT
    Can the Tip of the Penis of Florida come along ???? icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2008 12:51 AM GMT
    Hmm... It all depends on how coarse your sample size is. If you plot out election results by county, it looks as if there really aren't any blue states, except eastern New York and maybe a couple of those microscopic New England states that don't count anyway. The blue is just isolated cities.

    So, you'd end up with a few walled fortresses with no source of food, energy, or materials. It looks like you'd control most major ports, so you could import what you need, until you runout of bailout dollars. Interestingly, in the county maps, it looks like the democrats might manage to control most of the Mississippi river valley, even where it runs through "red" states.

    So... once you start getting hungry, I suppose you'll stock some of those yachts with chardonnay, brie, and uzis and become... Pirates! Oh wait... seize, spend, subjugate... no big change!

    But then if your sampling is even finer, most of the country is actually purple, with a few streaks of blue and a couple of big red deserts.

    Fun maps at:
    http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mejn/election/
    among other places.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2008 2:18 AM GMT
    Wait till the election when you see which state is red and which state si blue.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2008 3:07 AM GMT
    ragenbeat saidWait i just noticed he never mentioned FL. Were a blue state can we come too?


    As soon as you people figure out how to run an election and properly count ballots. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2008 3:13 AM GMT


    They may loose all the glitz and glamorous finance and technology companies but they'll still end up with the majority of the US share of fortune 500, including nearly all the retailers, energy companies and airlines .

    The headquarters and the majority of the hubs of the worlds six biggest airlines. (five if you count delta-northwest as one) AA, Delta, Northwest, continental, Southwest, US

    Pretty much 90% plus of the the united states retail holidings including Walmart, Home Depot, Target, Costco, Sears

    Exxonmobil worlds biggest company.

    Bank of America the worlds biggest bank

    Both UPS and Fed-Ex.

    Others that spring to mind

    Coca-cola
    AT&T
    Kraft
    Procter and Gamble
    Dell
  • MuslDrew

    Posts: 463

    Oct 31, 2008 3:53 AM GMT
    I'm packing my bags!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Oct 31, 2008 10:33 AM GMT
    Man, am I sick of paying for Arizona!
    redstatesocialism.jpg