Too much time together? .....

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Oct 31, 2008 2:05 AM GMT
    I'm asking for advice. My boyfriend just proposed to me. It was amazing and sweet, my ring is wonderful. . . .
    We've been together for a year, however, what got us together was that we became really close friends before any of that. Basically one night we had sex and never stopped.

    Is there such a thing as too much time together?
    We carpool five days a week to school together. We get home and make lunch together. He goes to work and I go to work. Working is our only time away from each other (hence being on RJ while I'm at work). He works less than I do. This makes things stressfull on me because I'm the one paying bills while he sits at home. Regardless, we never do anything without each other. Anytime we go out, we go to together, we go to parties together, etc... I've tried to tell him I like being by myself sometimes, but he just says that's where we're different. Occasionally I actually get to sit at a coffee shop by myself, that's what I call my alone time.
    What do you all think?
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    Oct 31, 2008 2:26 AM GMT

    "I've tried to tell him I like being by myself sometimes, but he just says that's where we're different."

    You tried telling him or you did tell him? If you did and he acknowledged that it's a point of difference, what happened next?
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    Oct 31, 2008 2:29 AM GMT
    I did tell him. He acknowledged it. Then, sometimes he just gets this fear that I'm out cheating or something.
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    Oct 31, 2008 2:37 AM GMT


    If you are both committing to a monogamous relationship, then reassure him. If not, then a discussion is in prompt order. Trust is earned. He may have past experiences that, like it or not, have scarred and scared him.

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    Oct 31, 2008 3:15 AM GMT
    I was in your boyfriends position for a while, and the reason I never wanted to backoff when told was because I thought they were getting bored of me or they were trying to meet other guys...Once I realized that I was causing this inner beast in my boyfriend, I realized, he just wanted to be truly alone. You need to really really communicate with him, this can eat at you for quite a while.

    He needs to have his own life outside of yours, and so do you, or it won't work in the long run.
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    Oct 31, 2008 3:41 AM GMT
    Thanks. I think he's already caused that inner beast in me to come out. I definitely need to find some way to resolve this matter. It's really just a tricky situation. I feel a lot of the time that I've abandoned all my friends (something I said I would never do). A friend just texted me, "I hate when You say We." UGhhhh. .
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Oct 31, 2008 10:38 AM GMT
    Ooooh this can turn ugly if you don't nip it in the bud

    I'm assuming that you want to stay in this relationship
    so be honest with your BF
    Tell him that he's very important but that if he wants
    the relationship to continue and be healthy
    you're going to need some time on your own
    and tell him that he's going to need sometime on his own also

    I had a relationship very much like yours a while back
    Me and my BF at the time were inseparable
    it was fun when the relationship was new but we had to carve out time for ourselves
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    Oct 31, 2008 10:51 AM GMT
    When a couple has conflicting needs such as needing to be together all the time vs. needing 'alone' time, communication and compromise needs to be met. Otherwise your on a slow burn to destruction.
    You have to agree as to what your individual needs are (you need alone time, he wants to be together all the time), an understanding of those needs (you need time to relax without worrying about him, he feels that not being together means you don't feel strongly about each other - I'm giving examples here - there are lots of other possibilities), and then agree as to how you are going to address them through mutual compromise. The compromise must be 50/50.
    If you don't address it, it will become a problem. You have to be able to express your concerns to him fully. Your concerns about being the breadwinner and that there's stress from that need to be expressed since money is the single most common problem in a couple's relationship. It doesn't go away and unaddressed will lead to further problems.
  • twentyfourhou...

    Posts: 243

    Oct 31, 2008 1:22 PM GMT
    I agree with the other postings. I was in your situation for 2 1/2 years. In the end, i could no longer handle the insecurity felt by my ex-partner. Keep in mind, that i am a bit of a loner to begin with so alone time has always been part of my nature. Odd thing is, i really need people around me to be happy - just not 24/24. BTW - i brought this up to him on several occassions - he would adjust his behavior for a few weeks BUT always reverted back to his old ways. One thing i have learned with age - you cannot change someone (nor should you) to fit your needs and they cannot change you.
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    Oct 31, 2008 1:34 PM GMT
    When it comes to relationships I am an optimist. Two people who love each other can work things out if they keep the lines of communication open. I am like you Debussy81, I need sometime to myself. Although I am not as bad as I used to be (I used to deliberately not go on family outings just to have time to myself), I still need to get away from it all. So my partner and I spend usually 1 night a week doing separate things. I do not always go to his family functions (he has a big family so these are frequent), etc.. You both will likely have to compromise to a certain extent and try and come to some common ground. One thing I have learned after nearly 11 years in a relationship, pig-headedness is not a good trait to have!
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    Oct 31, 2008 2:51 PM GMT
    show the ring!!!!

    congratulationsicon_exclaim.gif

    Communication is the key to a successful relationship, just talk to him
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    Oct 31, 2008 4:06 PM GMT


    How about some dynamics? I once had the opportunity to speak at length with a psychologist about feelings of claustrophobia in a relationship. Not the current one I'm in thanks.
    He offered this up. Imagine two hands, palms pressed against each other, comfortably. One hand wants air, so starts to withdraw a little, the other hand, with the absence of pressure, moves forward into the first hand's 'space' . What to do? Exert pressure back, he advised.

    What does that mean? A lot of quiet communication where you explain the human need for bouts of solitude. Or bouts of absence, as absence makes the heart fonder, though it's been dryly pointed out by others that 'out of sight out of mind' can also occur. heh

    When I first met Bill, we spent 100% of time together that first month. I felt a little claustrophobic and panicked as I didn't want anything to ruin this most amazing of events.

    I ran at this feeling and embraced it; I gave myself up to it completely, and told myself that I was not going to stand in the way of my own happiness. I cried buckets of self derisive and frustrated tears. I let go of self.

    Guess what? He filled up on Doug and sated, announced he was going over to visit his folks. Bill is quite amazing in a number of respects. He enjoys simply being in the same house or yard. He does his thing and I do mine. I've learned so much from this man that I'm not at all the person I was when I met him.
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    Oct 31, 2008 4:31 PM GMT
    When me and my ex started out. There were three things that I made clear fresh out the gate.

    Thursdays and Sunday I go dancing. Told him that bfeore I got out you will be fed and fucked and I'll be out for two hours.
    He did not have a problem with because he knew that I used to dance professionally. He knew that when I go out that I never drink.
    He also knew that I would never cheat!

    The other thing my gym time. This was not up for discussion.
    That
    was my time for me. Hr had his time byhimself as well.

    It's very healthy for couples to spend time a part.

    You have to explain to your lover that sometimes you need time by yourself.
    Block out that time. Like every Weds. for two hours your are going to the coffee house to relax or whatever!
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    Oct 31, 2008 4:34 PM GMT
    I've been in this situation. It's absolutely important that you be able to have time to yourself, time apart, if that's what you feel you need, and if he cares about you then he'll respect that. The fact that he's scared of you being away from him due to fear of cheating doesn't bode well, though, particularly if you've never given him a reason to fear that. You haven't, right?

    Relationships require great amounts of trust, and if he doesn't trust you right now, I doubt getting married is going to change things. Call me pessimistic, but I think that it would make him even more paranoid because you'll be his husband and he'll always need to know what you're up to.

    Worst case scenario, I fear, is he'll start getting so controlling (and yes, wanting to keep tabs on you and never spend time apart is controlling) that you'll start to get bitter with him and possibly act out out of frustration, which will make him more suspicious, and it becomes a venomous cycle that corrupts the relationship from the inside out.

    I'm sorry I'm being such a Debby Downer here, but my last relationship was poisoned by controlling mistrust on his part as well as acting out and dumbshit shenanigans on my part, and I'm seeing similar warning signs in what went wrong with ours in the scenario you're describing and I want to give you a heads up for what could potentially come your way.

    Getting married is a wonderful thing, but if I can be honest I don't think you two are at the point to consider that yet, especially after just one year. Stay engaged if you like, but don't start making definite plans until you've both worked past the issues you're having, and don't be afraid to call it all off if things look like they're going downhill. If I might quote Simon Pegg, "Better to spoil your day than to ruin your life."
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    Oct 31, 2008 4:36 PM GMT
    You're getting some really great advice here, Debussy. I can't think of anything to add, other than LISTEN to what's being said here.

    And COMMUNICATE, or this little nagging feeling inside you will fester and you will begin to resent your fiancee.... if you haven't already.

    "Is there such a thing as too much time together?"
    Sounds to me like you have an answer to this already.


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    Oct 31, 2008 4:45 PM GMT



    Well, there is a lot to the relationship in question that's unsaid so far.

    Ideally, debussy81's partner should be on here as well. It's all about sharing. We still think that sating him past the point of 'full' could work quite well.
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    Oct 31, 2008 7:17 PM GMT
    debussy81 saidI did tell him. He acknowledged it. Then, sometimes he just gets this fear that I'm out cheating or something.


    Nip this in the bud right now. My suggestion would be DO NOT marry him until he works through his issues, as they will not improve in that situation. You are not responsible for dealing with his insecurity -- he is. He needs to seek some sort of professional help (including couples counselling if necessary) to get through this. If he can't be "without" you because he thinks you're cheating on him, then then it sounds like he's marrying you to "make sure" you won't leave him, or at least to prevent you from having the opportunity to meet/be with someone else.

    ALL couples need time away from each other as much as you need time to spend together -- individual interests, friends, family or even just time ALONE. Otherwise, you will grow to resent the feeling of obligation to spend every waking moment with him because you don't want to upset him, even though he apparently is not concerned about YOUR NEED for some space. This will eventually cause conflict, and possibly the end of your relationship.

    Best of luck.
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    Oct 31, 2008 7:48 PM GMT
    Hi, I agree with a lot of these posts. My partner and I have been together for 20 years. We both need our own space. I love him to death but I also love my time for me. Everyone needs it. When we first got together we had a lot to work out to make it work. You have to be able to talk to each other openly and honestly about what your needs are. You have to be able to compromise in any relationship. No two people are a like. How boring that would be. If my partner were with me all the time, I would feel smothered and that would push me away. We enjoy our time together because we aren't always around each other. He goes out with friends from work if he wants to and I go out with my work friends if I choose to. You both really need to sit down and talk. If you want your space you should have it and he should respect that. If he is having trust issues or being controlling he needs to get help before you go any further. Good luck!
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    Oct 31, 2008 8:07 PM GMT
    haha how I envy your situation! I'm really happy for you two.

    Everyone needs their space, you don't want to end up smothering the flame of your relationship. Get your alone time, absence makes the heart grow fonder
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    Oct 31, 2008 10:23 PM GMT
    Hard to know from just these messages if both or either of you have any real problem at all. And if any of your friends, like the one who texted you, are the ones with problems of jealousy.

    But, most people do need some private space & time every now & then. With both my present & late partners, I told them this up front. And informed them with the simple phrase "I think I need some Tom time" (referring to myself) that they instantly understood & honored.

    And make sure he knows he has with same right with you, though it's not something he may think he wants at the moment.
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    Nov 01, 2008 12:42 AM GMT
    Thank you all so much for all the responses. It is much appreciated. I tried discussing this hear because it's so hard to talk to my close friends about anything because we never get time with just us (Again my friend not liking me using the word 'we' all the time).

    Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy with my relationship. We were very close friends before we became lovers and I think that really gives our relationship a different aspect. We are in No hurry to get married. It's very hard, I have four more years of school and he needs to finish up before I go back. Then, in the end I believe we will still be together. I don't think we're rushing anything.

    The things I think about are that in my last relationship (four years) we had completely separate lives. I think that's why it lasted so long. We completely did different things and I think he resented me for the way I live my life (I try to always do something to improve myself, work on my music, do research in my field, etc...He was always there to tell me to move out of his way when the reality TV show was on). Now it's so different.

    My baby is always there beside me. In some ways that's good, but in some ways I do get very 'claustrophobic'. Thank you guys for allowing me to realize it. I think he does understand what I mean about time away in some ways.

    I believe that it's kind of a transition period right now. Both being full time students and sharing our car. . . Ughhh.
    Were living with his Grandma too by the way (financial reasons). It's just a number of factors that go into everything. We've both discussed how hard it is to live in someone else's house and rules and maintain a relationship. The best part is that his family always sides with meicon_smile.gif

    I've talked with his brother in law before too about his sister and him. They are very similar; very snoopy, jealous, gossipy, and......loving. They're Asain. All in all we will get through this, and I will talk to him. Thanks for all the advice (esp. meninlove, bgcat57).