Date a Closet?

• nomad4life
  
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  Jun 08, 2013 6:01 PM GMT

  I recently started dating a guy and he's great, really cares about me, good bod, but he's still in the closet and says he doesn't have any plans on coming out any time soon.
  
  Have any of you dated someone in the closet? What can I expect from this?

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  Jun 08, 2013 8:34 PM GMT

  If you want to be positive, it's like dating Superman. He has a secret identity that only you know. Of course he's not using his secret to protect you or save lives.
  His life is fragmented. You will only be able to share one small part with him. If he has plans with his friends or family you will be left out.
  

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  Jun 09, 2013 4:28 AM GMT

  The sex is amazing...for a while--he'll get it out of his system, be cold, even uncaring, for days maybe weeks then it will build, he'll be charming again and the sex will be amazing again.
  Then you'll get bored and want to; I don't know, go rock climbing or something, but he'll be to afraid someone will see the way you look at him or God for bid try and touch him.
  You'll want more, or at least be curious to have or find more, maybe even tell him and he'll acquiesce, because the sex is train wreck hot.
  Then he'll get pissed because you've been seen with a "known Gay," and he'll break it off with you--stomp on your heart pretty hard. You'll take three or four more 'booty calls' because...
  You'll eventually move on realizing you can have great sex and a relationship. He'll have some sort of nervous break down--retraining orders will be needed.
  Years later he'll try and 'catfish' you or your LTR partner and you'll find very private pics you took with him on some tumblr blog.
  
  Or so I've heard.

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  Jun 09, 2013 4:39 AM GMT

  Is it a walk in closet? Will it fit my wardrobe? What about my shoes and wigs?

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  Jun 09, 2013 4:47 AM GMT

  Sure, if it's beautiful.
  
  

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  Jun 09, 2013 4:54 AM GMT

  dustin_K_tx saidThe sex is amazing...for a while--he'll get it out of his system, be cold, even uncaring, for days maybe weeks then it will build, he'll be charming again and the sex will be amazing again.
  Then you'll get bored and want to; I don't know, go rock climbing or something, but he'll be to afraid someone will see the way you look at him or God for bid try and touch him.
  You'll want more, or at least be curious to have or find more, maybe even tell him and he'll acquiesce, because the sex is train wreck hot.
  Then he'll get pissed because you've been seen with a "known Gay," and he'll break it off with you--stomp on your heart pretty hard. You'll take three or four more 'booty calls' because...
  You'll eventually move on realizing you can have great sex and a relationship. He'll have some sort of nervous break down--retraining orders will be needed.
  Years later he'll try and 'catfish' you or your LTR partner and you'll find very private pics you took with him on some tumblr blog.
  
  Or so I've heard.

  
  
  Yep, that's pretty much how it played out.... Except I stopped it after the third meet. It's like dating a religious politician. Cell text only, no facebook, no connection.
  
  At least texting is easy to block. If they have that meltdown, they're on their own.
  
  "Down low"... run away.

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  Jun 09, 2013 4:56 AM GMT

  friendlyface08 saidHave any of you dated someone in the closet? What can I expect from this?

  
  
  Expect for the closet to get full after a while, quite cramped - it'll just get more uncomfortable.... unless, of course, you find the door to Narnia...

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  Jun 09, 2013 5:27 AM GMT

  I wouldn't hold it against a guy who has to remain somewhat closeted for career reasons. I was there myself until several years ago. I was out to friends & family - - - - - but had to protect my career. When I got careless and let my sexuality become known in the office, I was fired the very next day. Sure - they gave a different reason.............they're not going to admit the REAL reason and get themselves sued. A sudden little reorganization or downsizing. Sure. That's it. Anyway - - - - give a guy some patience and support. High paying careers are not easy to come by right now. One failed deal, or one false move and a guy can be out on the street in the morning. Ask me. I know.
  
  With that being said........... a guy can't stay in there forever. That's not what I'm saying. I just suggest proceeding with caution - - - extreme caution if you work for a homophobic organization. Get out as soon as you can.

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• mybud
  
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  Jun 09, 2013 5:43 AM GMT

  I dated a closet but he turned out to be stuffy and only cared about clothing...

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• chadwick1985
  
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  Jun 09, 2013 6:15 AM GMT

  Dating a guy in the closet can be rough. It is hard to only be able to show affection in private and for them to act like they don't know you sometimes in public. I would give him some time, sometimes all it takes for them to decide to come out is to be in a relationship for a bit with someone they know cares.

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• IsrealiBoy
  
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  Jun 09, 2013 6:19 AM GMT

  if he really is someone you want to date don't let the fact that he's in the closet stop you. Eventually he'll feel comfortable enough and willing to come out, just let him open up to you and don't rush him unless you feel on a different level and then make him decide to stay with you and come out or leave him.

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  Jun 09, 2013 6:30 AM GMT

  Would You recommend to a Straight Buddy that He date a Woman who pretended not to know Him?
  
  

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• JohnDoe9688
  
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  Jun 09, 2013 6:32 AM GMT

  I would give him some time. If he really starts to develop strong feelings towards you he should want to come out of the closet. If not, then to me, he's basically saying that you're not worth it...which I would believe to be a big red flag for you to end that relationship

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  Jun 09, 2013 6:43 AM GMT

  Some of these posts remind me of girls who date assholes in the hope that they will change. I'm not saying that all guys in the closet are assholes. It just seems senseless to be in a relationship in the hopes of the other person changing for your benefit.

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  Jun 09, 2013 6:44 AM GMT

  I've never attempted. Actually, never been in a relationship with a guy, even though I'm out. But god it sounds awful. Being someone's dirty little secret has to get exhausting after awhile

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  Jun 09, 2013 7:09 AM GMT

  My last boyfriend was in the closet & he loved to spoil me. He says that his parents wouldn't care if he came out to them but he still doesn't wanna come out. He'll say weird things like he wants to make me pregnant. I don't know if I'll ever date another closet case. I like a guy that I can take to the clubs and dance with, go with to Pride, hold hands with in public, and meet my friends and family.

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  Jun 09, 2013 7:24 AM GMT

  mybud saidI dated a closet but he turned out to be stuffy and only cared about clothing...

  
  
  
  
  

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  Jun 09, 2013 4:45 PM GMT

  I think I want to date dc0776's closet...

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  Jun 09, 2013 5:22 PM GMT

  dustin_K_tx saidThe sex is amazing...for a while--he'll get it out of his system, be cold, even uncaring, for days maybe weeks then it will build, he'll be charming again and the sex will be amazing again.
  Then you'll get bored and want to; I don't know, go rock climbing or something, but he'll be to afraid someone will see the way you look at him or God for bid try and touch him.
  You'll want more, or at least be curious to have or find more, maybe even tell him and he'll acquiesce, because the sex is train wreck hot.
  Then he'll get pissed because you've been seen with a "known Gay," and he'll break it off with you--stomp on your heart pretty hard. You'll take three or four more 'booty calls' because...
  You'll eventually move on realizing you can have great sex and a relationship....

  
  
  Nailed it. This is exactly how I thought/felt until I came out. If I were you, I'd think of it as an affair more than a relationship man. Take it exactly for what it is, just be careful with falling too deep for him. If he'll lie about his life, he'll lie about many things, even to himself.

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  Jun 09, 2013 5:28 PM GMT

  No, I'm not doing, i'm NEVER doing it, not going to do that AT ALL
  
  Closeted guys and bi-homos generally give me the most attention, i've noticed that alot of gay guys seem to find " straight-ish " men hot, but not me, i dont want to be your secret, i want a REAL relationship , not " hide and go gayfuck "
  
  Again the answer is NO

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• great_scott
  
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  Jun 09, 2013 5:31 PM GMT

  I have and would again if I really liked the guy. I would've missed out on some good guys and experiences if I limited myself to only dating "out" guys. I can't recall it being nearly as dramatic as some guys describe, and closet status wasn't the reason for any of the break ups. Plus "out" can be somewhat subjective anyway.

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  Jun 09, 2013 5:35 PM GMT

  Yup and never again.

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  Jun 09, 2013 5:36 PM GMT

  Cash saidWould You recommend to a Straight Buddy that He date a Woman who pretended not to know Him?
  
  

  
  
  ^This.

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  Jun 09, 2013 5:50 PM GMT

  I used to have the occasional sexual romp with a closeted guy. It was always reasonably fun. I found him really attractive.
  
  Then one cold winter's night I had an unusually long power outage on the farm. If the power didn't come back on within another hour, I stood to lose about $50,000 worth of crops. If I could find a generator, I could save the crop. Ice was beginning to form on the greenhouse ceiling. I started boiling water on the stove to put in the greenhouse. I called everyone I could think of who might have a generator. No one did. Finally my fuck buddy came to mind, because he was mechanically inclined and well connected. He probably had a generator in his garage. It was my last chance to save the crop.
  
  So I called him to see if he'd save the day by loaning me a generator. When he picked up the phone I said, "Hey I need your help." His response: "Sorry wrong number." and he immediately hung up on me.
  
  Lucky for me, the power came back on in time, and the crops were saved. I went out the next morning and bought my own cheap generator. It's been about as reliable as my ex fuck buddy.
  

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• maxferguson
  
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  Jun 09, 2013 7:25 PM GMT

  When I was 19 and living in a bigger city, I had just officially "come out to myself" and naturally wanted to date a guy, as dating girls was a total failure. I wasn't out to any friends/family at this point, but I started seeing someone who was completely out (he was about 22). I looked up to him as a role model because I saw how little anyone actually cared about him being gay and this was the first sort of spark of confidence in the idea that coming out would be no problem. But being on a varsity team, I wasn't sure how coming out would change my relationships with a group of people that I spent 30+ hours per week with. It was a bit of a psychological tug-of-war, but I realized that it was not me pulling on one end and my relationships with my friends on the other; it was what my relationship with this could be if I was out vs the uncertainty about my friendships.
  
  I think for a long-term meaningful relationship to grow and to legitimately become important to each other, you both have to be out to at least a few of your closest friends and some family. At some point, one/both of you will hit a wall where you want to go further (and all the chemistry is there), but you'll hit the wall of privacy that's protecting you from the scrutiny of others and going further without breaking that wall will be impossible. In short, if one or both of you isn't out, it is an almost certain limit on the potential of your relationship with them and if you agree to date someone who is in the closet, the only saving grace is the possibility of them coming out when you hit the wall or before then. Personally, the risk of getting that far and running out of gas when we don't have to isn't attractive enough to be kept a secret.

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