Living It as Opposed to Justifying It: Why Coming Out as Bisexual is "Harder"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2013 6:28 AM GMT
    So I thought about this the other day after I got angry at my significant other over his reluctance coming out as bisexual.

    Long story short, I used the word "coward" and said and I'll spare the all caps-lock that "at least you get to hide who are you, I have to live EVERY day as who I am. I had to justify living to myself every day for bloody years so my fucking sympathy for YOU coming out runs a little fucking thin!"

    We're fine by the way.

    But it got me thinking about the challenges of coming out as bisexual. Sadly, coming out and saying "hey, it makes me happy" to be with a man or a woman at this point in my life we just don't feel cuts it. Is this projection? Are closeted bisexuals so uncomfortable coming out they think others will be too so the very plausible and understandable reason of personal fulfillment no longer serves as an adequate explanation?

    What is so different about coming out as gay or bisexual, because I swear those same feelings of doubt and insecurity are familiar?

    The only thing I could come up with is because as gays, we are forced to deal with having only one choice in life as to who we want to be with. As bisexual, you have to rationalize it to yourself (and not everyone has the same mental and spiritual tools to do so) and then rationalize it to your family, friends, etc (who may suffer the same deficit of tools).

    Now, would people argue with someone saying it makes them happy? With gays we don't argue because it's not a choice for them, with bisexuals, we have decades and decades of social engendering that argue against being in same-sex relationships, so the pressure is much higher.

    Only on that front do I sympathize with my beloved bisexuals, but my patience runs for only for so long, as bad as that may be, because as I said: I have to live being gay, I don't have the luxury of being able to decide what makes me happy.

  • wellwell

    Posts: 2265

    Jun 09, 2013 5:53 PM GMT
    I don't buy the "choice-less" CRAP !
  • thatirishbast...

    Posts: 3523

    Jun 09, 2013 5:59 PM GMT
    I'm an open bisexual. And just as a point of interest, it's people like you who make it so hard to live as an open bisexual.

    Because not only do we earn the disgust of much of the straight world, attitudes like yours make the gay community just as poisonous and damaging.

    By the way, if my significant other had ever tried to make me feel guilty about a part of myself that I cannot control, he would have been out on the streetcorner with a suitcase in five minutes flat.
  • Slickdog21

    Posts: 164

    Jun 09, 2013 6:08 PM GMT
    I'm openly non-heterosexual and I like to have male partners as well as female partners. I only tell people I'm bisexual so that I can avoid the 30 minute conversation about my sexuality.
    For me personally, coming out as non-heterosexual (or bisexual) is hard within the gay and straight communities because of the misconceptions and all of the questions that arise in the minds of others around me.

    "Do you have a preference?"
    "Which will you marry?"
    "What's your favorite kind of sex?"
    "Are you celibate"?

    Oh boy....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2013 6:34 PM GMT
    I identify as being bisexual, but only when asked. I feel that most gay men and straight women have a decided that they "know" what it means to be bi. My experience has been that gay men feel like it means not able to "commit" and straight women feel it means "bi now, gay later." But both seem to have a fear of their bi guy with someone opposite their gender as a bigger threat than anything else.

    That's not how it always works! I call that a "tv bi." I feel more of us may tend to be with one gender more than the other, we are fully open to either (not "choosing" on over the other). One of my friends has described me as a connoisseur of hotness, which I think is close. I fall for the person and if we begin to become romantic in anyway, I'm with that person regardless of gender. His or her fears about bisexuality should not force me to pretend to be whatever they are comfortable with.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2013 6:38 PM GMT
    Slickdog21 saidI'm openly non-heterosexual and I like to have male partners as well as female partners. I only tell people I'm bisexual so that I can avoid the 30 minute conversation about my sexuality.
    For me personally, coming out as non-heterosexual (or bisexual) is hard within the gay and straight communities because of the misconceptions and all of the questions that arise in the minds of others around me.

    "Do you have a preference?"
    "Which will you marry?"
    "What's your favorite kind of sex?"
    "Are you celibate"?

    Oh boy....


    Lol. I love bi guys and get along really well with them, except for those who are in denial about their ability to be emotionally connected with another guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2013 6:40 PM GMT
    I can imagine it is harder when you have a wife and children to say to, "Hey, I'm gay...."

    I knew I was gay. I was not going to drag anyone other than myself into that. It is all about the continuum of sexuality. I wasn't attracted to women enough to be able to pretend.
  • Whipmagic

    Posts: 1481

    Jun 09, 2013 6:45 PM GMT
    But being bisexual is also easier, as it preserves your heterosexual privilege when it suits you: you can still take that female arm candy to the office party, for instance, and not feel like you're lying in doing so.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jun 09, 2013 8:05 PM GMT
    Whipmagic saidBut being bisexual is also easier, as it preserves your heterosexual privilege when it suits you: you can still take that female arm candy to the office party, for instance, and not feel like you're lying in doing so.


    That would only apply if you were single or had a girlfriend. If you had a boyfriend or husband then you would have to come out or lie and say you're single.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2013 8:09 PM GMT
    I went on a few dates with this gay guy, and after him passive aggressively suggesting that I was "confused" and was just really gay, I quit pursuing him. I'm not dating somebody who sees me as something else than what I actually am. Just because you faked it in middle school and it failed doesn't mean bisexuality isn't real. I've almost completely given up on gay guys because they're so ignorant about bisexuality. Not to say straight girls aren't either, but I've had way less problems with female partners than male ones.
  • NHLFAN

    Posts: 370

    Jun 09, 2013 8:49 PM GMT
    Question for the bi guys here. If you're in a relationship with a girl or guy, do you still have sexual desires with the other sex that you aren't with? I would think that those feelings are still there since you are attracted to both sexes.

    This has always led me to avoid dating a bi guy because I can't give them everything they need sexually. Maybe it doesn't really come into play and if you're in a relationship that prevails. When single then you are open to both?
  • Slickdog21

    Posts: 164

    Jun 09, 2013 8:53 PM GMT
    NHLFAN saidQuestion for the bi guys here. If you're in a relationship with a girl or guy, do you still have sexual desires with the other sex that you aren't with? I would think that those feelings are still there since you are attracted to both sexes.

    This has always led me to avoid dating a bi guy because I can't give them everything they need sexually. Maybe it doesn't really come into play and if you're in a relationship that prevails. When single then you are open to both?


    To answer your question, yes. Even when I'm happily with someone, I'll always find myself attracted to the other sex. This on the surface may seem strange, complicated, or uncomfortable but it's really not much different from a straight guy finding women (other than his current girlfriend/wife) attractive.

    When you, as a gay male, are happily with another male partner, do all of the other men in the world become ugly or completely unattractive?
    I would think not.
  • NHLFAN

    Posts: 370

    Jun 09, 2013 9:05 PM GMT
    Slickdog21 said
    NHLFAN saidQuestion for the bi guys here. If you're in a relationship with a girl or guy, do you still have sexual desires with the other sex that you aren't with? I would think that those feelings are still there since you are attracted to both sexes.

    This has always led me to avoid dating a bi guy because I can't give them everything they need sexually. Maybe it doesn't really come into play and if you're in a relationship that prevails. When single then you are open to both?


    When you, as a gay male, are happily with another male partner, do all of the other men in the world become ugly or completely unattractive?
    I would think not.


    True I find other guys attractive, but the thing is I can get what I need from him. When you find other girls/guys attractive how do you fullfill those needs? Since the person you're with is the opposite sex?

    I'm can't be the only gay guy who wondered these things. icon_smile.gif.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2013 9:06 PM GMT
    NHLFAN saidQuestion for the bi guys here. If you're in a relationship with a girl or guy, do you still have sexual desires with the other sex that you aren't with? I would think that those feelings are still there since you are attracted to both sexes.

    This has always led me to avoid dating a bi guy because I can't give them everything they need sexually. Maybe it doesn't really come into play and if you're in a relationship that prevails. When single then you are open to both?


    I still feel it, but it's just like when you are with a guy. You may still feel sexual desires for other guys, but it is then up to you not to act on them. If there are certain things he doesn't want to or can't do in bed with you, you either learn to find other ways to make the things you do work for you or you can fulfill it though masturbation.

    If I understand the single part of the question correctly, you are asking when you are single and with either a man or a woman sexually do we desire the other. I'd say it's pretty much the same scenario I gave when in a relationship. If you mean "open to both" as in at the same time that can be hot, but complicated depending on the comfort level of everyone involved.
  • NHLFAN

    Posts: 370

    Jun 09, 2013 9:11 PM GMT
    WRH_empath said
    NHLFAN saidQuestion for the bi guys here. If you're in a relationship with a girl or guy, do you still have sexual desires with the other sex that you aren't with? I would think that those feelings are still there since you are attracted to both sexes.

    This has always led me to avoid dating a bi guy because I can't give them everything they need sexually. Maybe it doesn't really come into play and if you're in a relationship that prevails. When single then you are open to both?


    If I understand the single part of the question correctly, you are asking when you are single and with either a man or a woman sexually do we desire the other. I'd say it's pretty much the same scenario I gave when in a relationship. If you mean "open to both" as in at the same time that can be hot, but complicated depending on the comfort level of everyone involved.


    To clarify was asking if you aren't in a relationship that's when both sexes are attractive to you and based on who you meet can start a new relationship with either sex. icon_smile.gif. A three way with a guy and girl would be ideal for a bi guy! Haha. Except the other two would only want you. lol.

  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Jun 09, 2013 9:12 PM GMT
    Bi men.......

    Are only good for sleeping with.

    icon_wink.gif
  • JohnDoe9688

    Posts: 118

    Jun 09, 2013 9:14 PM GMT
    I don't know. There's probably a little bias going on since I know for sure im gay and not bi, but I don't think bisexual people have a harder time coming out. To me, bisexuals have a choice that gay men don't have.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2013 9:14 PM GMT
    I think it is just hard for a bisexual to let go of being accepted.

    If you are bisexual, there is always that chance that just like you had fun having sex with a guy last night, tomorrow it can be a woman and you can fall in love if she's a great person too. So there's always hope that maybe you won't need to come out, maybe you'll find a girl and just be straight to the outside world.

    Think about it, wouldn't you rather be accepted by everyone rather than having to come out and deal with that?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2013 9:16 PM GMT
    NHLFANTrue I find other guys attractive, but the thing is I can get what I need from him. When you find other girls/guys attractive how do you fullfill those needs? Since the person you're with is the opposite sex?

    I'm can't be the only gay guy who wondered these things. .


    It's similar to a vers guy dating someone who is a bottom only. The vers guy knows what it is like to be topped and that need doesn't go away, no matter what. icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2013 9:19 PM GMT
    I don't understand why people have to lock themselves into boxes as straight, bi, or gay. Everyone can be anything in different circumstances, and, preferences can change from time to time.

    Personally, I am much more than just a sexual person, therefore, I identify as a person first, with certain characteristics.

    Why can't we just be who we are when we want to be and end up with who we end up with???

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    Jun 09, 2013 9:23 PM GMT
    blueyedItalian saidI don't understand why people have to lock themselves into boxes as straight, bi, or gay. Everyone can be anything in different circumstances, and, preferences can change from time to time.

    Personally, I am much more than just a sexual person, therefore, I identify as a person first, with certain characteristics.

    Why can't we just be who we are when we want to be and end up with who we end up with???



    icon_cool.gif If only we could! icon_cool.gif
  • JohnDoe9688

    Posts: 118

    Jun 09, 2013 9:24 PM GMT
    blueyedItalian saidI don't understand why people have to lock themselves into boxes as straight, bi, or gay. Everyone can be anything in different circumstances, and, preferences can change from time to time.

    Personally, I am much more than just a sexual person, therefore, I identify as a person first, with certain characteristics.

    Why can't we just be who we are when we want to be and end up with who we end up with???



    I disagree. I will never be straight, nor will I be bi. Its not a matter of locking myself into a box, its a matter of understanding what turns me on and what doesnt
  • CityofDreams

    Posts: 1173

    Jun 09, 2013 9:24 PM GMT
    blueyedItalian saidI don't understand why people have to lock themselves into boxes as straight, bi, or gay. Everyone can be anything in different circumstances, and, preferences can change from time to time.

    Personally, I am much more than just a sexual person, therefore, I identify as a person first, with certain characteristics.

    Why can't we just be who we are when we want to be and end up with who we end up with???



    You must have bisexual tendencies. I have never thought like you. I place myself in that 'gay' box because on a scale of 0-100, I am 100% gay, zero bisexual tendencies. According to the Kinsey Scale, I am a 6.

    Rating Description
    0 Exclusively heterosexual
    1 Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
    2 Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
    3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual
    4 Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
    5 Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
    6 Exclusively homosexual
    X Non-sexual[3]

    Honestly, maybe I am closing myself off to great opportunities, but I don't think that I would ever date a bi guy.

    EDIT:
    I take that back, if the guy is 100% out to his family and friends as a bisexual, I would date him. Who am I to judge? I just don't believe in living in secrecy, hence my initial apprehension.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 09, 2013 9:31 PM GMT
    CityofDreams said
    blueyedItalian saidI don't understand why people have to lock themselves into boxes as straight, bi, or gay. Everyone can be anything in different circumstances, and, preferences can change from time to time.

    Personally, I am much more than just a sexual person, therefore, I identify as a person first, with certain characteristics.

    Why can't we just be who we are when we want to be and end up with who we end up with???



    You must have bisexual tendencies. I have never thought like you. I place myself in that 'gay' box because on a scale of 0-100, I am 100% gay, zero bisexual tendencies. According to the Kinsey Scale, I am a 6.

    Rating Description
    0 Exclusively heterosexual
    1 Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
    2 Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
    3 Equally heterosexual and homosexual
    4 Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
    5 Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
    6 Exclusively homosexual
    X Non-sexual[3]

    Honestly, maybe I am closing myself off to great opportunities, but I don't think that I would ever date a bi guy.

    EDIT:
    I take that back, if the guy is 100% out to his family and friends as a bisexual, I would date him. I just don't believe in living in secrecy, hence my initial apprehension.


    Life is not black and white.......Ratings change, depending on life circumstances - sexuality is fluid.
  • CityofDreams

    Posts: 1173

    Jun 09, 2013 9:41 PM GMT
    blueyedItalian said
    Ratings change, depending on life circumstances - sexuality is fluid.


    I don't agree, but I'll take your word for it. I have never been remotely attracted to a woman. I don't see it ever happening. Sexuality is only fluid for those who lie within the mid-range of the spectrum, not for those who reside at extremes points.