RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's
I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have
nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and
a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My wife made me join a bridge club.
Next Tuesday is when I jump.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. I said , "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over
and said, "Look ... twins!"
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide.