The *tasteful* joke thread.

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    Jun 09, 2013 11:54 AM GMT
    Why did the chicken cross the playground?
    To get to the other slide.

    What do you call a pig that knows karate?
    A pork chop!

    Why do bees have sticky hair?
    Because they use honeycombs.

    Why was the man running around his bed?
    He wanted to catch up on his sleep.

    What does a robot frog say?
    Rib-bot. (Said in your best robot voice)

    Why is 6 afraid of 7?
    Because 7 8 9!

    How did the barber win the race?
    He knew a short cut.
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    Jun 09, 2013 1:21 PM GMT
    i thought everyone would love this thread icon_cry.gif
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    Jun 09, 2013 1:25 PM GMT
    Masculism saidi thought everyone would love this thread icon_cry.gif

    I did, when my mother gave me a book of these jokes over 50 years ago. Seriously, she did, and I remember some of them.
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    Jun 09, 2013 1:30 PM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    Masculism saidi thought everyone would love this thread icon_cry.gif
    I did, when my mother gave me a book of these jokes over 50 years ago. Seriously, she did, and I remember some of them.
    i'm glad somebody appreciates banal, non-offensive humour
  • HottJoe

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    Jun 09, 2013 1:59 PM GMT
    This is proof that no one likes banal non offensive humor. Where are the Jesus-shaped butt plugs?????
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    Jun 09, 2013 3:39 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidThis is proof that no one likes banal non offensive humor. Where are the Jesus-shaped butt plugs?????


    When does a comedian die in the middle of a joke?

    When he's unable to find his footing on middle ground.
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    Jun 09, 2013 3:42 PM GMT
    Why did the Canadian cross the road?

    To get to the middle.

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    Jun 09, 2013 3:52 PM GMT
    This is proof that no one wants non offensive humor. Where are the Jesus-shaped butt plugs?????

    Proof?
    Come, come, Joe,
    Surely a smart guy like you knows the op chose weak jokes to prove a point. Or are you pulling my leg?
    Along the same lines, posting offensive jokes that are not funny would not "prove" no one likes offensive jokes.

    I dont mind most offensive jokes. I do mind illogical arguments.

    Why did the chicken cross the street half way?
    Because he wanted to lay it on the line.

    HA!
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    Jun 09, 2013 4:09 PM GMT
    RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS

    A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's
    nobody home."
    I went over. Nobody was home.

    If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

    And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have
    nothing to play with.

    During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
    night she called me from a hotel.

    One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked.
    I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
    He said, "Because you came home early."

    Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and
    a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
    I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

    When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

    I could tell that my parents hated me.
    My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

    My mother never breast fed me.
    She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

    When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
    to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he
    pulled through."

    I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
    to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

    My wife made me join a bridge club.
    Next Tuesday is when I jump.

    I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

    I went to see my doctor. I said , "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
    He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

    When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over
    and said, "Look ... twins!"

    Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me
    find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"
    He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide.
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    Jun 09, 2013 4:12 PM GMT
    The Top 20 Signs You Live Too Close to an Amusement Park

    20> It's bumper car-to-bumper car traffic at rush hour.

    19> You have to wait for somebody to hit the target before starting your bath.

    18> In your wardrobe? Peanuts.
    In your cornflakes? Peanuts.
    Under the computer keyboard? More damn peanuts.

    17> Your insurance policy has a rider to cover an "Act of Goofy."

    16> Your kid's first word is "getchaballoonshere."

    15> You can't afford to buy film for your camera unless you drive
    to the next county.

    14> You buy a swingset for your kids and some hoods from
    Disney pump your garage full of lead as a warning.

    13> Merry-Go-Round riders constantly yanking out your wife's earrings.

    12> There's a bearded lady in your back yard, and your
    mother-in-law is out of town.

    11> You paid for your new Lexus with 43,800,000 skee-ball tickets.

    10> Can't leave your driveway without backing over picketing
    Southern Baptists.

    9> Your house is on the park map as "Crappyland."

    8> Crazy kids hand you a buck, then smash your new Volvo with a
    sledgehammer.

    7> Your cat gets a hernia carrying home its last mouse kill.

    6> Every meal you've had for the past two months has been
    served on a stick.

    5> Neighborhood hookers require an "E" ticket.

    4> Scooby and his pesky friends search your house for evidence
    regarding the creepy amusement park owner.

    3> The name of the damned place is "Six Flags Over Ed Smith."

    2> Your "It's a Small World" insanity plea successfully
    beats the mass murder rap.

    And the Number 1 Sign You Live Too Close to an Amusement Park...

    1> Despite your most amorous pleas, wife demands
    hand-stamp before re-entry.
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    Jun 09, 2013 4:19 PM GMT
    The Top 18 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party

    18> By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.

    17> Clown car must be started with breathalizer device.

    16> Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"

    15> References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year-olds.

    14> Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.

    13> Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.

    12> Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.

    11> Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.

    10> Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."

    9> Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.

    8> Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"

    7> More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.

    6> Those big clown ears look too darn life-like, and the entire
    act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.

    5> A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.

    4> Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."

    3> Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."

    2> Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."

    And the Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's
    Party...

    1> All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
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    Jun 09, 2013 4:49 PM GMT
    [quote]Aristoshark said[/cite]Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
    They taste funny.
    Horse walks into a bar.
    The bartender says, 'Hey buddy, why the long face?"
    Kangaroo walks into a bar.
    The bartender says "We don't get many kangaroos in here."
    The kangaroo says "Have you tried advertising?"[/quote]

    Those are funny.
    I prefer the ending where they charge the kangaroo alot because he's just a dumb animal.

    "We dont get many kangaroos here."
    "And at these prices you won't get many more."
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    Jun 09, 2013 4:58 PM GMT
    meninlove said Why did the Canadian cross the road?

    To get to the middle.



    But walking down the middle is so safe and boring...

    Tightrope+walker.jpg
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    Jun 09, 2013 6:23 PM GMT
    theantijock said
    meninlove said Why did the Canadian cross the road?
    To get to the middle.

    But walking down the middle is so safe and boring...


    Walking down the middle of a road is safe?
    I guess so. Why else would an animal take a nap there?

    dead-raccoon-middle-road-image.jpg
    P.S. Why is this copyrighted?
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    Jun 09, 2013 6:55 PM GMT
    omdayz, what happened to the jesus thread? lol

    I pop out to have an Indian meal and a few beers only to return to destruction and deletion of threads and profiles to boot?! icon_eek.gif
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    Jun 09, 2013 7:00 PM GMT
    Why was 6 afraid of 7?

    Because 7 raped 9.
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    Jun 09, 2013 7:01 PM GMT
    Sage,
    I was wondering myself.
    I did all that research on freedom of speech and it's gone!
    Also, I started a thread yesterday that admin deleted in minutes. I don't know why. It was an obvious joke.

    What profiles?
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    Jun 09, 2013 7:05 PM GMT
    Aristoshark saidI have another bartender joke.
    But it's very twisted.
    Doesn't belong among the "tasteful" jokes.


    Who are you and what have you done with Aristoshark?

    (I'm making a joke, you see.)
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    Jun 09, 2013 7:07 PM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    Masculism is gone.


    Well, I hope not all the way, if you know what I mean.
    I hope my offer of a friendship didn't send him off screaming.
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    Jun 09, 2013 7:11 PM GMT
    If you want me to tell it, I will. It's funny but it's kind of dark......


    Dark is OK with me.
    If you care, the kind of jokes that offend me (yeah - I dared to use the O word - I'm bad) usually involve killing people or hurting children. But that's me.

    Just don't start out "How many [insert race] people does it take to shingle a roof?" *shiver*

    P.S. Was he hated? All I read was people reaching out to him. Outside of that, people always confront each other.
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    Jun 09, 2013 7:20 PM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    JohnSpotter said
    Aristoshark said
    Masculism is gone.


    Well, I hope not all the way, if you know what I mean.
    I hope my offer of a friendship didn't send him off screaming.

    No, he told me on Facebook that he was tired of being hated.


    He's not disliked by as many people as he thinks, but I'm tired of telling him that. Hope he comes back.
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    Jun 09, 2013 7:20 PM GMT
    A: What do nine out of ten people enjoy?


















































    A: gang rape
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    Jun 09, 2013 7:23 PM GMT
    ^
    Presumtuous...icon_lol.gif
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    Jun 09, 2013 7:53 PM GMT
    gayinterest saidA: What do nine out of ten people enjoy?
    A: gang rape

    Now that's my idea of a good R rated joke.

    Aristo - that's a good one too.

    So let me get this straight?
    Nobody found the 300 clean jokes I posted funny. I was busting a gut when I read them.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jun 09, 2013 7:55 PM GMT
    JohnSpotter said
    This is proof that no one wants non offensive humor. Where are the Jesus-shaped butt plugs?????

    Proof?
    Come, come, Joe,
    Surely a smart guy like you knows the op chose weak jokes to prove a point. Or are you pulling my leg?
    Along the same lines, posting offensive jokes that are not funny would not "prove" no one likes offensive jokes.

    I dont mind most offensive jokes. I do mind illogical arguments.

    Why did the chicken cross the street half way?
    Because he wanted to lay it on the line.

    HA!


    I love comedians.... but Jesus shaped butt plugs sell really well on RJ. I mean, once we're debating butt plugs, you have religious people, atheists, zingers, gifs, regulars on soapboxes and other attention whores. Also, when I read on another thread that yet another innocent young gay man thinks God hates him, I looked at the butt plug and thought, you know what, Fuck it.icon_razz.gif