Serious advice only, please.


  • Jun 09, 2013 9:17 PM GMT
    I'd like to preface this post by stating I'm not looking for snide comments. I'm sincerely confused and looking for a little input and guidance.

    I've been with my husband for 8 years now. He's a great guy; loyal, honest, supportive, attractive and smart. The problem is I'm unhappy and have no idea why. Since the beginning of our relationship, he hasn't been very intimate (we have sex maybe once a month) which I feel is a part of my unhappiness, but that alone isn't enough to leave such a good guy.

    We've built our whole lives together and leaving him is a really scary thing for me. He knows that I'm unhappy (I've expressed this SEVERAL times over the last few years) but says he can't be friends if we split. He's my best friend, so losing him like that would be very difficult for me. We tried splitting before and it was disastrous.

    I guess my question here is if anyone else has gone through something similar; where nothing's wrong, but you feel unhappy. I just feel like something is missing and even if he were to begin making an effort to be sexual, I'm not sure I'd be into it... at this point I just don't see him that way anymore. That's not to say he's not a good looking guy; he's GORGEOUS... I guess after 8 years of being told "not tonight" you just train yourself to turn that off.

    Saying goodbye is a really hard thing. We're formally married, have pets together, etc. But staying together is looking to be just as hard. On the other hand, I don't want to leave and lose something great to find out I was a "grass is greener" type guy.

    Help?
  • Dannyboi1721

    Posts: 2

    Jun 10, 2013 12:57 AM GMT
    Hey Matty,

    Looks like your stuck in a tough situation. I've never been married nor have I been in a relationship as long as 8 years. But I have been in love, and I was put in a situation where I had to also decide whether to stick around or leave the first love of my life after being with him for 3 years.
    The main question you should ask yourself is, are you happy?
    If not then make a list of things or situations that make you unhappy in the relationship. If you have a huge list and you think some of those things are unlikely to change for the better then its probably going to be a good idea and startvwalking down a different path. Its VERY hard but you'll be able to overcome any pain or sorrow with time. You have to put yourself first before antone even if it is your husband. This is your happiness that you're putting on the line. You deserve nothing but the best, and if he isn't delivering then you need to move on. I won't lie its as hard as it sounds but it will help you grow stronger and you will not regret it later down the line. Like I said, make a list...and just be honest with yourself. Hopefully ny advise somewhat helped. Good luck buddy icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 10, 2013 1:19 AM GMT
    Wow, you're 25 and have been with the same guy for 8 years.

    Perhaps u need to see what else is out there. You've got the 7-year itch.
    Keep in mind though, if u do break up with him-- dont go expecting to just find another BF and u 2 will skip off into the sunset together.

    Have you 2 considered relationship counseling?
    At the end of theday---when u lay ur head down on that pillow and u think silently to urself--- What do u think deep down? That u kinda want out? That u kinda want it to work? what?

    U need to listen to that.
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    Jun 10, 2013 1:58 AM GMT
    mattystein2012 said
    We're formally married, have pets together, etc. But staying together is looking to be just as hard. On the other hand, I don't want to leave and lose something great to find out I was a "grass is greener" type guy.

    Help?

    Formally married how? In another State besides Florida? You might need grounds to get a divorce in that other State.

    If not legally married, how would the disposition of property go? These things need to be considered, yet at the same time it can lead to a situation where one is "possessed by one's possessions" and the property is making the decision, not you.
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    Jun 10, 2013 2:26 AM GMT
    mattystein2012 saidSerious advice only, please.
    Wear sunscreen.
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    Jun 10, 2013 2:49 AM GMT
    Don't say goodbye!
    If you don't know why you both can't live together, then look for the reasons...It is very important in maintaining a relationship.

    Ego plays lot of tricks with our lives & in many cases the players don't know that they are dealing with it. Try to discard your ego and then think again, you may find an answer...If you find one, don't hesitate to discuss about it with your husband. It really helps.

    If you want to ask more, feel free to message me.

    Never ever give up!

  • Jun 10, 2013 8:59 AM GMT
    Dannyboi1721 said
    The main question you should ask yourself is, are you happy?
    icon_smile.gif


    Honest, that's half the problem... I'm not happy or unhappy... I feel like we're just existing. This is beginning to feel more like a comfortable friendship. We don't argue and we don't get on eachothers nerves, but I just feel sad all the time. Maybe this is more my issue than anything.

    ART_DECO said
    mattystein2012 said
    We're formally married, have pets together, etc. But staying together is looking to be just as hard. On the other hand, I don't want to leave and lose something great to find out I was a "grass is greener" type guy.

    Help?

    Formally married how? In another State besides Florida? You might need grounds to get a divorce in that other State.

    If not legally married, how would the disposition of property go? These things need to be considered, yet at the same time it can lead to a situation where one is "possessed by one's possessions" and the property is making the decision, not you.


    We got married in New York, so I have no idea what's involved with that. I know this whole thing is going to be complicated and it scares the shit out of me... but I don't want to stick around because I'm scared. My main thing though is finding reasons to stay. He offers a lot of good qualities, but I feel like he doesn't even realize I'm his husband.
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    Jun 10, 2013 9:25 AM GMT
    HI Matty

    It looks like you are in relationship but you do not have fulfillment. From what you wrote it sounds like it is sex related but your unfulfillment is not just sex defined. I believe your unfulfillment comes from your inner self not feeling satisfaction and not feeling contentment. You sound like you have grown into a comfort zone of a life, a comfort, an ease, a co-support, and added with aspirations supposedly reached. Unfortunately what we all sometimes set out to do, thinking it will make us happy, our subconscious mind and inner selves, inner desire... may have an entirely different perception and expectation of what makes us truly happy verses to what we may think does, especially in youth of life. This is why it is so important to know oneself or "know thyself". And knowing yourself takes time mixed with experiences that force you to to face the person you have grown into based on all the collective experiences had in your life. You have invested time with this person and it means something important. Make an effort to Invest the time with this person, this husband, to help you know yourself more. Tell him you are unhappy. that you need to experience something in your life to reach fulfillment. If he truly loves you he will support it. If he does not support this either by not taking this exploration together or by departing and no friendship, then how can he truly love you and say things like "can't be friends if we split." Because true love endures all things and forgives all things. One thing love never is. and that is UNSURE. Good luck!
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    Jun 10, 2013 9:28 AM GMT
    It sounds like you're experiencing a lack of excitement, which is bound to happen after eight years. It also sounds like you have an issue in terms of frequency of sexual intimacy.

    For both, it sounds like you need to sit down and express those needs, and try to introduce a little bit of novelty into your relationship. Which requires work - autopilot isn't satisfying you. That's fine, but it would also do to moderate your expectations and recognize effort where you see it. Be positive and encouraging, not sad. And do some of the romancing yourself. Set up date nights. I saw this company at Founder Institute that pitched: http://datepress.com/. Finding cool things to do together is important.

    Have an open conversation about your sex life and what parameters you find acceptable. Frequency and type of sexual intimacy are things that are important to discuss. Maybe he honestly doesn't enjoy certain kinds of sex, but others really work for both of you.

    But if you otherwise fit together well, and have made it for eight years, it makes sense to try to salvage the relationship absent the sort of serious problems that emerge in an unhealthy context. You have no idea how hard it is to find a good partner in life, and it sounds like you have found one.

    Ignore any idiot suggesting you need to find what else is out there, or open up the relationship, blah blah blah.
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    Jun 10, 2013 10:01 AM GMT
    hello OP. You've gotten some really great advice on here. Take them all in.

    As for me, you're in a relationship that a lot of us can only dream of. I think you may been a little too young when this to happened, though. Basically, I don't think you had enough time to experiment and see what's "out there."

    Well, there's nothing out there. Just a couple of lonely guys that desire to be in a stable relationship, no matter how much we try to deny that that's what we want.

    I say try to fix what you have. Relationship counseling would definitely be my advice. I wish you two all the best.

    xoxo

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    Jun 10, 2013 10:56 AM GMT
    I've been in your position years ago. In a relationship with a guy for years where we lived together, shared bills, shared our life experience and committed to being together for the rest of our lives. I was also in my 20s and was pleased with myself and accomplishments. Then I started to become dissatisfied. He was busy, I was busy, the intimacy suffered. I felt like I had a best friend but not a lover.

    I heard advice such as marriage counseling, spicing things up, make the relationship exciting. I was getting depressed and that didn't fit my personality. After many conversations about intimacy we realized we weren't o the same page as far as how we view a relationship. I like to lay up and cuddle and he saw it as foreplay. We weren't intimate, he would tell me to roll over so many times, it hurt me to the core. I was getting attention from other guys, but didn't want it because I loved my man at home.

    Here is my advice, you must learn yourself and what you want before making a decision. Once you understand yourself then you need to understand your lover. The relationship will work when you accept the differences and love your husband for it. You will find happiness in accepting your lover will not fulfill all the things you want but cherish the things that do.

    Well, I decided to break up with my lover. It was the toughest decision I Mae in my life. I felt like I failed to uphold my commitment to him. It took years to accept my decision because I did walk away from my soulmate. We got back together to break up so many times I grew sick of it. In the end i realized we had different approaches to a relationship. I like a cooperative relationship where two people discuss and decide and he wanted a dictatorship where one person has to be in charge. It took a decade for me to come to terms with this.

    Follow your heart and do what's right. I sympathize your position, it is difficult. Just writing this I'm teared up thinking about all the events that happened good and bad.
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    Jun 10, 2013 10:59 AM GMT
    mattystein2012 saidI'd like to preface this post by stating I'm not looking for snide comments. I'm sincerely confused and looking for a little input and guidance.

    I've been with my husband for 8 years now. He's a great guy; loyal, honest, supportive, attractive and smart. The problem is I'm unhappy and have no idea why. Since the beginning of our relationship, he hasn't been very intimate (we have sex maybe once a month) which I feel is a part of my unhappiness, but that alone isn't enough to leave such a good guy.

    We've built our whole lives together and leaving him is a really scary thing for me. He knows that I'm unhappy (I've expressed this SEVERAL times over the last few years) but says he can't be friends if we split. He's my best friend, so losing him like that would be very difficult for me. We tried splitting before and it was disastrous.

    I guess my question here is if anyone else has gone through something similar; where nothing's wrong, but you feel unhappy. I just feel like something is missing and even if he were to begin making an effort to be sexual, I'm not sure I'd be into it... at this point I just don't see him that way anymore. That's not to say he's not a good looking guy; he's GORGEOUS... I guess after 8 years of being told "not tonight" you just train yourself to turn that off.

    Saying goodbye is a really hard thing. We're formally married, have pets together, etc. But staying together is looking to be just as hard. On the other hand, I don't want to leave and lose something great to find out I was a "grass is greener" type guy.

    Help?


    sounds like he's straight
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    Jun 10, 2013 6:07 PM GMT
    I was in a LTR that that lasted twice as long as this. I remember asking these same questions. It's normal to go through periods like this. In my case, we called it quits a few years ago. All of the fears I had of what my life would be like without him came true. However, I was able to rediscover myself and interests in ways that I probably never would have if we were still together. My advice is to try and make it work somehow. Eight+ years of building a life together is not easy to duplicate as I have found the hard way. Good luck to you brother.
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    Jun 10, 2013 7:06 PM GMT
    You are only 25 years old and are in a relationship of 8 years in which from the beginning the sex life wasn't particularly good. Once a month isn't good enough for me and I'm much older than you. I can imagine what it must be like for you. Did you think it was going to get better with time?

    I suspect your partner is quite a bit older than you and provides a level of security and comfort you otherwise couldn't afford on your own.

    A gilded cage is a prison nonetheless.

    If I'm wrong about the security and comfort comment and you can support yourself, then you should leave and find someone with whom you are more sexually compatable.

    "I guess after 8 years of being told "not tonight" you just train yourself to turn that off." Yes, that's exactly what my spouse did to our relationship. I chose to leave rather than have someone else run/ruin my sex life.
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    Jun 11, 2013 3:59 PM GMT
    is there a general consensus here on how often healthy sex is?

    I imagine its highly reliant on the particular individuals we're discussing and is really dictated by their relationship dynamic.

    to the OP

    I wouldn't let sex cause a break up. sometimes we need to count our blessings a little more; or really figure out what our true feelings are.

    you need to make a plan, and before making one I would seek a little professional counseling to ease any potential transition you have.

    Given the duration of your relationship, and your age, I would imagine there are some feelings, or itches so to speak, that you're curious to scratch.

    That's very problematic because potentially before you experience those things, you may no feel you've developed as a person. But also remember that you may look back and miss your life with this man; or find yourself with another man, with the same issues all over again.

    My basic advice is that despite what you want, dont expect either road to be easeier or necessarily better for you- understand that each has obstacles to overcome which will effect you.
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    Jun 11, 2013 4:08 PM GMT
    FlyinBrian saidis there a general consensus here on how often healthy sex is?

    I imagine its highly reliant on the particular individuals we're discussing and is really dictated by their relationship dynamic.


    The OP stated from the beginning the lack of intimacy has been a problem:

    "Since the beginning of our relationship, he hasn't been very intimate (we have sex maybe once a month) which I feel is a part of my unhappiness,

    but that alone isn't enough to leave such a good guy."
    Why isn't it enough? Intimacy is important to a healthy relationship. The intimacy doesn't have to be sexual but it seems it is important to the OP. SOmetimes people aren't sexually compatable and there is nothing wrong with recognizing that and moving on. Intimacy strengthens a relationship. Lack of intimacy destroys, as we can see from the OP's on words.
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    Jun 11, 2013 4:24 PM GMT
    mattystein2012 said
    ART_DECO said
    mattystein2012 said
    We're formally married, have pets together, etc. But staying together is looking to be just as hard. On the other hand, I don't want to leave and lose something great to find out I was a "grass is greener" type guy.

    Help?

    Formally married how? In another State besides Florida? You might need grounds to get a divorce in that other State.

    If not legally married, how would the disposition of property go? These things need to be considered, yet at the same time it can lead to a situation where one is "possessed by one's possessions" and the property is making the decision, not you.

    We got married in New York, so I have no idea what's involved with that. I know this whole thing is going to be complicated and it scares the shit out of me... but I don't want to stick around because I'm scared. My main thing though is finding reasons to stay. He offers a lot of good qualities, but I feel like he doesn't even realize I'm his husband.

    New York is a legal marriage, and may be recognized as such in every State if DOMA is overturned (we'll know that in a few days). Our gay friends were married in NY.

    Therefore you may indeed need a divorce proceeding to make a breakup legal. Otherwise any last will you draw bequeathing your estate to other parties might be challenged by your spouse, and in the absence of any will he'll also get it, at least in New York.

    And although this may not apply to your situation today, one party may be able to file for financial support against the other party, especially in a case of spousal abandonment in the absence of a court-ordered divorce.

    If you're serious about leaving him I'd advise you consult first with an attorney familiar with same-sex marriages. I'm not discouraging you from divorce, but rather if you're gonna do it, do it right, and not hurt yourself in the process.
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    Jun 11, 2013 4:53 PM GMT
    Mac1986 said


    Well, there's nothing out there. Just a couple of lonely guys that desire to be in a stable relationship, no matter how much we try to deny that that's what we want.

    I say try to fix what you have. Relationship counseling would definitely be my advice. I wish you two all the best.

    xoxo



    do agree.
    You can also make a long list of what would make you happy, maybe some simple fun things that would make you a little happy (nothing is gonna change you suddenly and completely), share it with your husband, and you two try to go through that list one by one (maybe not all, only for those that both of you agree on). I think that will help you. At the same time family counseling is what wouldn't harm if not doing miracles.