Am I being over sensitive?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 11, 2013 7:53 PM GMT
    I recently moved to Indiana with my partner. Upon moving most things have been really going well between us, but I do have some areas where I would like to seek advice from others.

    He still routinely speaks to his ex partner of nine years; which has always caused some angst on my behalf, as I believe that when you finally severe ties you no longer provide "maintenance" to a connection with someone from the past. I believe it's emotional connection which bothers me, despite he lives out of state now that we've moved. I also found it a little bothersome that he went out of his way to provide his ex partners mother a mothers day gift, at the same time I found the gesture very thoughtful, but it still disturbed me some. He claims its because his ex doesn't have anyone, and he feel's bad etc etc.

    Secondly, His family. I'm unsure how to read them, and being that I am so sensitive, maybe I'm reading them wrong.

    For instance just recently hosting his sister, and mother for a bbq. Not once did his mother say "was great to see you again, thanks for cooking for us" she simply thanked him. I know these types of things are rather small and petty, but it makes me curious if they maybe don't care for me, or if perhaps this is just their unintended nature. His family also remains close to his ex via Facebook etc, so I've figured maybe it's an awkward position for them too.

    Lastly I will add I feel a little bit alone in the situation. I've never lived anywhere but where I'm from, and in Indiana I dont have a support system in place, and really miss my family. Maybe this too makes me feel somewhat alone and separated.

    Anyways, looking for advice from anyone who may have encountered an additional situation like mine, and or moving to a new a place icon_smile.gif

    Thanks!
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    Jun 11, 2013 8:14 PM GMT
    When someone is in your life a long time it is not always easy to sever those ties... he didn't have a falling out with his ex's family, and if your current and his ex are not fighting it might seem strange for him to cut all ties with them.

    I have only had a few serious relationships prior to the one I'm in now. I am friendly with both of my ex's. My current has not met them as they live in other states, and we don't talk as frequently as it sounds like these guys do. I can understand your anxiety especially since you're also dealing with the isolation of living in a new place.

    If your BF is not secretive about speaking to this guy, I doubt he's trying to hide anything from you. They are exes for a reason (which I'm assuming you know) but it's possible they stay friends, and that is something you have to decide if you can live with or not.

    Regarding the relatives, you don't say how long you have been with this guy but they are in a weird situation if they were attached to the ex. I know my mom said after my oldest sister's breakup from her first husband she never allowed herself to get as attached to anybody us kids were with. It may take time to win them over, but if you are patient and gracious with them when you are together I am sure it will come with time.
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    Jun 11, 2013 8:21 PM GMT
    FlyinBrian saidAm I being over-sensitive?


    Yes.

    His family invested a lot of their time and energy into "the old guy", so allow the transition to "the new guy" to occur naturally. Plenty of families build relationships that they maintain on some level with ex-spouses (or ex-partners as the case may be). The social media aspects (Facebook) add another dimension to the irreversibility of boyfriend-family relationships.

    If you need to feel more attention and adulation from your new beau's family, seek it out. "I hope you all enjoyed the cookout!" "I really enjoyed seeing you and having you over for dinner! Hope we can meet up again real soon!" will give you all the slam-dunk responses you were anticipating.

    As one more suggestion, consider ways to build bonds between your family and his. Invite your own family members up to Indy and make sure they get a chance to meet and connect with some of his family.
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    Jun 11, 2013 8:30 PM GMT
    His birthday is coming up,

    Not sure if I should put another hand out there and try to engage them.

    It's hard though, because being new to this environment and living near them where these types of get togethers are possible, and not really being familiar with their family dynamic, or feeling very much open to solicit, it gives me some reservations about doing as such. I've known them for almost a year now if that helps, keep in mind we were out of state though for most of that time so I only met them a few times.
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    Jun 11, 2013 8:41 PM GMT
    Your boyfriend doesn't discard like garbage people who have been in his life and you want to know if you're being over-sensitive? Perhaps if you rephrased the question.
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    Jun 11, 2013 8:45 PM GMT
    Maybe I should provide a little more context regarding the ex.

    My partner, for a long time, and I honestly believe still, hasn't informed his ex that he's in a new relationship. He also, being self conscious about the subject matter, refrains from speaking to his ex on the phone when I'm present- Hey it's fine doesn't bother me, I just believe its not really a big deal and think of the behavior as peculiar.

    It's not something I bring up or talk about, I figure it is what it is.

    Also, he has brought up how guilty he feels about his ex on a few occasions in recent history, and even cited it as being part of why he at times feels greatly depressed.

    These tend to make me feel that he may not have still come to terms with their relationship, and makes me wonder if he's fully committed to me, even though he says he is, and of course I would like to believe him fully, but the behavior has me inclined at times to my doubts.
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    Jun 11, 2013 8:47 PM GMT
    I've urged him to go to counseling so he can try to deal with the guilt and depression of his past relationship- however he still has not.
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    Jun 11, 2013 9:01 PM GMT
    FlyinBrian saidMaybe I should provide a little more context regarding the ex.

    My partner, for a long time, and I honestly believe still, hasn't informed his ex that he's in a new relationship.....


    Huh, well, that certainly changes the story. In that case his treatment of you is unacceptable. Maybe try couple's counseling which could be less easy for him to back out.

    That way you'd be approaching it as your collective problem (which, if you like him, it is) and not as his individual problem.
  • carew28

    Posts: 662

    Jun 11, 2013 9:02 PM GMT
    Your partner sounds like he's basically a pretty decent guy, and still concerned about his ex, and his ex's family. You should try to support him on this, and bear with it. It will naturally be hard for you, because of natural emotions, but in the long run, he'll probably respect you for it. And you will be a better, stronger, more confident person for it.

    It's hard to leave your own family behind, and to try to fit into your partner's family. Just do the best you can. As time goes on, and as you get to know them, and they get to know you, maybe it will get easier. Good luck.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 11, 2013 9:15 PM GMT
    So I'm guessing you hooked up with an older guy and so you guys moved else where because this way he has more control over you and can mold you to fit his needs.

    I was with a much older guy once and he talked about his x a lot. It's annoying, but that is the life they know and their way of sharing with you.

    While being all luvy dovey in a new place can be an exciting new adventure, start working on making your own friends separate for your bf's, so that way if things eventually don't work out between you (he's too old and wants to sit home and rot while you are still young and want to go out and play) then you have some friends that can provide support.

    Yes this sounded awful to say, but maybe you find some truths in it and somewhere on a subconscious level you will prepare yourself if you need this info in the future. Best of luck to you.
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    Jun 12, 2013 1:00 AM GMT
    Yes, that definitely changes things. Does his family understand the nature of your relationship? If they are Facebook friends with his ex, were they told not to discuss details of his life with you?

    What were the circumstances of their breakup, and how long before you got together? If the ex is super-emo and possibly manipulating your ex with guilt, that may be why he is not being forthright with the new details of his life. But I would be concerned that he's not doing the guy (or you) any favors by leading him to believe he's still single (and thus the possibility of a reconciliation is there). I don't think it is unreasonable for you to tell him he needs to gently but firmly tell the ex that he's with someone else. They can be friends but he is not being a good friend if he's keeping him in the dark.

    Oh, and because I have to....

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    Jun 12, 2013 4:39 AM GMT
    Yes the family understands the nature of our relationship. And him and the ex had supposedly been on the outs for quite some time when he and i got together. And by this i mean thy were officially broke up but still lived together. He is such a nice guy i simply never questioned it at all. I truly believe hes committed to me, and im no looking for any wild young gay friends either, i enjoy our life together, but at times lately i find my self not feeling supported in certain things that occur in his life, and feel sometimes alone in this new city, and not overly welcome.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jun 12, 2013 7:07 AM GMT
    FlyinBrian saidYes the family understands the nature of our relationship.

    and im not looking for any wild young gay friends either, i enjoy our life together, but at times lately i find my self not feeling supported in certain things that occur in his life, and feel sometimes alone in this new city, and not overly welcome.

    Moonhawk was right in suggesting you find some friends of your own - but not just so that you have some when you break up - but so you have other people in your life besides just your partner. They don't have to be "wild". As you said, you "don't have a support system in place." You should get one. Just normal folk so you can have a base of support outside your relationship. Unless you live in the wilderness somewhere, it's always best not to have to rely on your partner for every emotional need you have. You won't feel so "alone" if you have other friends. And you can't expect his family to treat you like they have known you for years - they are just getting acquainted with you - everything takes time. If they remain cold to you over a long period of time, then you should ask your partner to say something to them about how they treat you.