Closeted and lonely

  • cb87

    Posts: 1

    Jun 13, 2013 11:59 PM GMT
    I always knew I was attracted to dudes, and I kept it from everyone because I knew the backlash I would face from family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers. I put on a happy face everyday, knowing that no one knows how much of a struggle it is everyday. Sometimes I want to cry from the isolation and loneliness. I kept telling myself at a young age that it would get better and I'd be happy..but that day never came. My anxiety and depression, which I try my best to keep hidden from everyone else, is at an all time high and I don't know what to do anymore. Has anyone ever been in this situation, past or present?
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jun 14, 2013 12:01 AM GMT
    Yes, everyone on here, with very few exceptions, have been through similar experiences. The only thing you can do is come out.
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    Jun 14, 2013 12:01 AM GMT
    A lot of guys go through this. but it's YOUR life! do what YOU want! be who you really are, and just do what you really want to in life. you don't need anyone's permission to be happy. the sooner you are proud of who you are and live the life you want, the happier you'll be. life's too short to be stressed out over shit like this!
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jun 14, 2013 12:02 AM GMT
    willular saidA lot of guys go through this. but it's YOUR life! do what YOU want! be who you really are, and just do what you really want to in life. you don't need anyone's permission to be happy. the sooner you are proud of who you are and live the life you want, the happier you'll be. life's too short to be stressed out over shit like this!


    Ha. That's better than what I wrote.

    FTW
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    Jun 14, 2013 12:04 AM GMT
    My current situation actually. Every time I think about it, I feel angry/sick.

    I just hide my feelings and tell myself to keep moving forward. I know someday things will be different. And I wait for that day while working towards a better future.
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    Jun 14, 2013 12:11 AM GMT
    Coming out isn't easy or a solution to all of life's problems. I think you should see a gay friendly psychiatrist to get help with the anxiety and depression. Only then, once you've established a safe space for yourself, should you talk to the psychiatrist about coming out.
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    Jun 14, 2013 12:30 AM GMT
    You say you are lonely and miserable and have been for some time, and yet you keep doing the same things.....and expect a different outcome? I think you should try some other approach to your orientation..and see what the outcomes are.
    Your choice.....keep doing the same thing and be lonely, miserable and closeted or try some honesty with yourself and others, get some professional help and see how that feels....
    Good Luck.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Jun 14, 2013 12:31 AM GMT
    I'm so so sorry. I hope you can find some glimmer of truth and happiness. God knows it's hard.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jun 14, 2013 12:48 AM GMT
    Screw them all and start living your life. Twenty or ten years ago there was reason to fear but no longer. You have the opportunity to have a fun life full of love and quiet intimacies. Decide to stand up and walk into your new life. I think you'll be surprised how easy it is and how many people will cheer, including family.
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    Jun 14, 2013 12:57 AM GMT
    swimguychicago saidComing out isn't easy or a solution to all of life's problems...

    Not a solution to all your problems, but it solves so many of the toughest ones that the rest will seem like nothing in comparison.
    Coming out is not easy. But until you do, you are trying to relate to your family and friends cloaked in some artificiallly constructed persona that is not the real you. No wonder you feel lonely.
    But the actual disclosures will be far easier than you think. And once the dust has settled you'll wonder why you waited so long.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3515

    Jun 14, 2013 1:49 AM GMT
    if you are gay, you will come out sometime, since your life sucks now...really what are you waiting for? it is not like it would be worse.
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    Jun 14, 2013 1:54 AM GMT
    I think you need to do what is best for you. Above all, don't feel forced to do anything that you aren't ready for. Seeking a professional to talk to may help. But, whatever you do, do so in your own time and not one elses.
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    Jun 14, 2013 1:56 AM GMT
    A closet is a very lonely home...
    actually from an image i wanted to post for you but it wouldn't let me...kinda funny actually...icon_razz.gif
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    Jun 14, 2013 2:21 AM GMT
    Like a few said before - I think most have been in this situation. I'm 34 years old and finally accepted who I was and came out. I get it that coming out isn't the solution for everything, but finally accepting yourself is a HUGE step. I have different problems and anxiety then before, but it's a welcome change because I finally accept and embrace who I am.

    Do you? Have you gotten to that point? I wish you much luck and hope that some of the posts at least provide some encouragement or guidance.
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    Jun 14, 2013 2:29 AM GMT
    It may sound cliche to say this, but it really does get better. When you are in the closet, it is very isolating - you feel trapped and alone, fearing that things are at a dead end and there's no way ahead. When the time is right, you will make the move to come out and after that, you will be able to start to really live. It will be a challenging experience, but once through it, it will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders.

    In the mean time, I would also recommend talking to a therapist. There's no shame in doing so, and they can help you deal with your emotions and get past the depression.

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    Jun 14, 2013 2:41 AM GMT
    You don't give much info. to get a really meaningful answer. Do you really on your parents for support? Do you live with them?

    The generic answer is if you are self sufficient, pay your own way in life, live apart from your parents, etc, then by all means start living life on your own terms. Your don't have to make a grand announcement; just live your life as you see fit and with no apologies or explanations. People will figure it out on their own (if they haven't already). If you lose people because of it, do you really want such people in your life anyway?
  • chadwick1985

    Posts: 391

    Jun 14, 2013 2:48 AM GMT
    I will say this: yes, I have been where you are. Honestly in some ways still am where you are. Some have suggested coming out etc.

    The truth is coming out is something you have to be ready to do. One thing I did for a while is found one friend who I was completely honest with about may sexuality. I was able to talk to him about anything and not feel uncomfortable. You may just need someone you can talk to, be yourself around, not have to watch what you say around etc.




    Eventually you will find happiness and be open etc. All you can do it hold on, keep moving forward and do your best.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 14, 2013 2:52 AM GMT
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    Jun 14, 2013 3:17 AM GMT
    I've been there before and it sucks. I think you don't have to come out to everyone, come out to yourself. Go and meet other gay guys, talk to them, feel happy to say all the things you need to say to someone else. Be real to yourself. That's what I did and helped me SO much, that finally I feel my life has sense once again. Then I came out to my best friends, one by one, then to my sisters, their reactions were better than I would ever expected. Eevrything remains the same between they and me, except they know it now and I can say it feels awesome to not hide who I AM. Those who don't like you for who you really are, don't deserve to be in your life. Keep those who love for who you are. We are not going to live forever, and if we want to do good or even great things in life, we have to be ourselves, not someone else.
    That's what I did and it worked for me icon_lol.gif
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jun 14, 2013 3:39 AM GMT
    So, as you see, the answer is, "yes" to both past and present. Lots of us have felt exactly the way you do one time or another. Some still do.

    But here you have a forum of guys who are at least out to themselves. It is many things and among them it can be a resource. You can ask us questions and see the variety of answers. Maybe you'll strike up a friendship. It's not a substitute for therapy if that is what you really need (I did, but that was a *long* time ago) but it can be a half-way step, perhaps.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jun 14, 2013 4:57 AM GMT
    Where's Aristoshark, to ask why we are responding to a troll post?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 14, 2013 6:28 AM GMT
    cb87 said Has anyone ever been in this situation, past or present?


    Who hasn't ? All I can say is just be yourself, if your more comfy in the closet then stay there. It's a choice like pregnancy and no one else has the right to decide what you should do.

  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jun 14, 2013 7:11 AM GMT
    That "happy" day never WILL come until you come out.
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    Jun 14, 2013 7:42 AM GMT
    Trust your instincts and come out when you're ready. You'll know when it's time. ... just wish it would be sooner than later. icon_wink.gif
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Jun 14, 2013 2:14 PM GMT
    Yes, I've been there, exactly where you are - feeling lonely, isolated, like I was the only one and no one would understand.
    When I "came out" it was more difficult to meet other gay men, to talk about it and to get any information on being gay and coming out.
    I got to the point where I was so miserable that it was effecting all aspects of my life. I wasn't miserable because I was gay, I'd accepted that fact, I was miserable because I was holding it all inside.
    I finally talked with a counselor at college, and she told me that while I felt like I was the only one feeling the way I did, I was NOT unique. Other people had, and will be, in the exact same situation I was in.
    First of all, come out to yourself, if you haven't done that already - you have to acknowledge that you are a gay man, and accept that - don't pretend that you're confused, or it's a phase, or you'll change. Pretty damned likely that's not going to happen.

    And, stop thinking that everyone is going to reject you or shut you out - that may happen with some, and with some very important people in your life. But, there are understanding people, and honestly, some of them probably already know you're gay - they are just waiting for you to tell them.

    If you're not ready to come out to family or friends, then don't - do it when you're ready - but you'll feel so much better once you do. Even if their reaction is not positive, you'll at least be living an honest life. You'll feel like a huge weight has been removed. And, no, it's not the answer to all your problems, it might even create some - but living open and honest is much better than hiding and not being true to yourself.
    Good luck - and stay strong. We've all been there.