Please. Need advice. Just all messed up in this LDR

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    Jun 16, 2013 5:49 AM GMT
    I don't want to sound defeatist since I'm a generally hopeful person, but my boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot the past few weeks.

    So, I promised my bf while i'm in Cali that I would be consumed with studying for the bar exam. I didn't place any boundaries on what he can do (he's in DC) because that's just not my m.o.

    Anyway, this morning he told me that he was out til 3 am coz he partied with friends. Then proceeded to tell me that after-hours he went to this pizza place by himself. He then later retracted and said, he and his "friend's friend" ate together. He was being evasive about this "friend" so I kept prodding him to tell me exactly who it was, and he said it's this gay asian guy he met through his friends that night, and whom he went and ate with early in the morning, just by their twosome.

    And just like that, I got scared. I'm a normally reasonable person yet the thought of my bf hanging out and eating at 3 am with a gay guy he just met at the club made me think all sorts of cray.

    So clearly, this Long-distance is taking a toll on my psyche. And lord knows I'm trying my best to man up and be rational. Even worse, I don't want to subject him to unfair insinuations of infidelity, if nothing is happening. But the incident got the best of me.

    I don't know what to do. I had pages and pages of case law I had to study but I couldn't because of this unnecessary drama.

    I don;t know what to think or do to help myself get through this.

    P.S. I'm sorry coz this might seem petty and juvenile, and maybe in a few months/years time I will realize how dumb and inconsequential this is, but please indulge me at the moment, because it is affecting me, maybe in more ways than it should.

    Thanks in advance.
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    Jun 16, 2013 6:40 AM GMT
    It's time to have a conversation...with a therapist first.

    Then, once you've worked out "what's eating you" make the decision as to whether you should have a conversation with your bf as to what he's been eating and with whom.

    Remember, t-he l-awyer who represents himself has a fool for a client. Seek outside counsel first.

    (Sorry to have to put hyphens in between those last few words but I don't like the fact that somebody is embedding advertising links into forum posts)
  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    Jun 16, 2013 2:15 PM GMT
    i dont think he would have told you about the "friends friend" if he had cheated on you but you can never know, Either way thats pretty uncool! tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable for him to eat drunkenly with single gay guys he just met n not to do it again, i'm sure if he's reasonable he can understand why it would make any boyfriend feel uncomfortable.
    Theres no point dwelling on it, hes already eaten with him now so just tell him what he can do better for the future, you'll never know if he cheated or not but he probably didnt so move on! n no more eating with guys who doesnt know
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    Jun 16, 2013 2:19 PM GMT


    "So, I promised my bf while i'm in Cali that I would be consumed with studying for the bar exam. I didn't place any boundaries on what he can do (he's in DC) because that's just not my m.o."

    From this, I gather that you made a promise of fidelity whilst away, but didn't want from him?
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jun 16, 2013 2:39 PM GMT
    isn't this just a repeat of your last thread about exactly the same thing or did you find a new long distance boyfriend to be neurotic about?
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    Jun 16, 2013 2:42 PM GMT
    #strangelove
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    Jun 16, 2013 2:46 PM GMT
    GAMRican said

    Then, once you've worked out "what's eating you" make the decision as to whether you should have a conversation with your bf as to what he's been eating and with whom.

    Remember, t-he l-awyer who represents himself has a fool for a client. Seek outside counsel first.



    Absolutely agreed. I'm incapable of digesting the situation on my own without the risk of getting carried away.

    The worst part is I hate looking like the unreasonable, insecure partner. I can already hear his friends say "OMG, He is so insecure, he had a problem with you eating pizza wih this guy at 3 am? Incredible."

    jackooh said
    i'm sure if he's reasonable he can understand why it would make any boyfriend feel uncomfortable.



    Thanks bud. I sure hope so.

    meninlove said

    From this, I gather that you made a promise of fidelity whilst away, but didn't want from him?



    Oh, I did ask that we be faithful/committed to our relationship while apart..without particulars. I gathered, since we're both prudent young adults, we should have the good sense to know what's acceptable and not whilst committed. icon_sad.gif


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2013 2:49 PM GMT


    "Oh, I did ask that we be faithful/committed to our relationship while apart..without particulars. I gathered, since we're both prudent young adults, we should have the good sense to know what's acceptable and not whilst committed."

    What I quoted in bold IS a particular, a rather huge one. icon_wink.gif

    What was his response when you asked?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 16, 2013 2:55 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    "Oh, I did ask that we be faithful/committed to our relationship while apart..without particulars. I gathered, since we're both prudent young adults, we should have the good sense to know what's acceptable and not whilst committed."

    What I quoted in bold IS a particular, a rather huge one. icon_wink.gif

    What was his response when you asked?


    icon_confused.gifI suppose so hahaha..just didn't think of it that way.

    But he said "yes. I agree."
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    Jun 16, 2013 3:26 PM GMT
    Bar2013 said
    meninlove said

    "Oh, I did ask that we be faithful/committed to our relationship while apart..without particulars. I gathered, since we're both prudent young adults, we should have the good sense to know what's acceptable and not whilst committed."

    What I quoted in bold IS a particular, a rather huge one. icon_wink.gif

    What was his response when you asked?


    icon_confused.gifI suppose so hahaha..just didn't think of it that way.

    But he said "yes. I agree."


    There's your answer, then. I would probably ask him about that and if the agreement still stands.
  • WApilot

    Posts: 191

    Jun 18, 2013 4:46 AM GMT
    I've been in a LDR before, it didn't work out, but fortunately it's worked out for me, cause my boyfriend (current) after the last guy has been going great.

    Now, one thing I've learned, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION is always important. It's even more important when you're apart from each other for long periods of time. You must consistently talk about the boundaries in your relationship and be open and honest about what you do. Now, that doesn't mean, you keep tabs on each other, but, what it means is, that if one of you do something that makes the other uncomfortable, talk about it with each other and come to a conclusion how to make the situation better.

    Talk to each other, not at each other. If this late night meal thing has you feeling a little off, then ask yourself, why? Why does it bother you? How could something like this be avoided?

    Come up with a reason and solution as to what you're feeling and talk to your BF. If you two have a great relationship, I would think he would take your feelings into consideration and not write it off as a pointless insecurity that must be ignored and continue to do the thing that makes you feel cray cray. Just talk to him. Don't accuse him, just be honest about how you FEEL, get his input and just talk about each others boundaries.

    Again, you're in a LDR, you both need to talk about your emotions, because you're not physically together right now, talking is what's gonna save your relationship.
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    Jun 18, 2013 4:57 AM GMT
    WApilot saidI've been in a LDR before, it didn't work out, but fortunately it's worked out for me, cause my boyfriend (current) after the last guy has been going great.

    Now, one thing I've learned, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION is always important. It's even more important when you're apart from each other for long periods of time. You must consistently talk about the boundaries in your relationship and be open and honest about what you do. Now, that doesn't mean, you keep tabs on each other, but, what it means is, that if one of you do something that makes the other uncomfortable, talk about it with each other and come to a conclusion how to make the situation better.

    Talk to each other, not at each other. If this late night meal thing has you feeling a little off, then ask yourself, why? Why does it bother you? How could something like this be avoided?

    Come up with a reason and solution as to what you're feeling and talk to your BF. If you two have a great relationship, I would think he would take your feelings into consideration and not write it off as a pointless insecurity that must be ignored and continue to do the thing that makes you feel cray cray. Just talk to him. Don't accuse him, just be honest about how you FEEL, get his input and just talk about each others boundaries.

    Again, you're in a LDR, you both need to talk about your emotions, because you're not physically together right now, talking is what's gonna save your relationship.


    This! This!! This!!!
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    Jun 18, 2013 7:03 AM GMT
    WApilot said


    Talk to each other, not at each other.



    So simple yet so sage. I never thought of it that way, but in its simplest terms, this is what proper communication is about.

    I swear, this opened my eyes. I realized I talk AT my boyfriend. I kept telling him on the phone

    "I'm sorry, but I just find it weird. It's weird and it made me feel uncomfortable." And while I was saying this repeatedly, I wasn't listening at all to what he had to say. He apologized and said he's sorry and that it was harmless, but I couldn't get past my own voice. I was talking AT him, and not TO him. It was unilateral- one way. I admit, i was wrong.

    We apologized to each other yesterday. I apologized for being so closed off to his reasons and he apologized for doing what he did.

    It's tough this LDR. It's definitely no walk in the park atm.

    Thank you so much guys for being generous with your insights.
  • WApilot

    Posts: 191

    Jun 18, 2013 7:16 AM GMT
    Bar2013 said
    WApilot said


    Talk to each other, not at each other.



    So simple yet so sage. I never thought of it that way, but in its simplest terms, this is what proper communication is about.

    I swear, this opened my eyes. I realized I talk AT my boyfriend. I kept telling him on the phone

    "I'm sorry, but I just find it weird. It's weird and it made me feel uncomfortable." And while I was saying this repeatedly, I wasn't listening at all to what he had to say. He apologized and said he's sorry and that it was harmless, but I couldn't get past my own voice. I was talking AT him, and not TO him. It was unilateral- one way. I admit, i was wrong.

    We apologized to each other yesterday. I apologized for being so closed off to his reasons and he apologized for doing what he did.

    It's tough this LDR. It's definitely no walk in the park atm.

    Thank you so much guys for being generous with your insights.


    About a month ago or so my boyfriend and I had a talk about something that was bothering him. We talked and just like that, it was solved. We've never had an argument before. Now, we've had our share of disagreements but we don't argue, because it's pointless and nothing gets solved if you argue. After our talk he's the one who mentioned to me about how he loved that we talk to each other and not at each other.

    I've done the LDR before and it ended because the guy I was with did something similar to what your guy did except, not to get to deep into the past but a guy hit on him at a bar, they exchanged numbers and my BF sent me a pic of the guy. Communication wasn't good in that relationship and that's why we failed. But I'm glad it failed because I'm with a man that I love right now.

    But it really is simple, listen to each other. Do you guys' have a routine when you talk? My BF and I talk everyday at night on the phone before we go to bed (on days we don't see each other). We text each other every morning with a "good morning" message. To some it would seem like overkill, but you both should find a healthy balance in your relationship. Never approach a 'talk' with finger pointing, it will only drive a wedge between you and your significant other.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3534

    Jun 18, 2013 10:00 AM GMT
    ldr do not work. you need regular sex or you are not in a relationship.
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    Jun 18, 2013 10:06 AM GMT
    LDR's are though, Advice communicate, communicate and communicate. In your situation it isn't uncommon to feel insecure and misjudge the way he described the situation as being evasive but the possibility does exist that he cheated.

    Tell him how you're feeling and listen to what he has to say without being pushy or accusatory.
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    Jun 18, 2013 7:43 PM GMT
    It's like deja vu.
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    Jun 18, 2013 8:03 PM GMT
    WApilot said

    But it really is simple, listen to each other. Do you guys' have a routine when you talk? My BF and I talk everyday at night on the phone before we go to bed (on days we don't see each other). We text each other every morning with a "good morning" message. To some it would seem like overkill, but you both should find a healthy balance in your relationship. Never approach a 'talk' with finger pointing, it will only drive a wedge between you and your significant other.


    Thanks bud. We do. Since there's a 3 hour difference, and he goes to be early since he reports to the hospital (he's a doctor) at 6 in the morning, and I'm up til 3 am his time (midnight in LA) studying, I usually leave him a vm every night just to greet him good morning and stuff.

    Really appreciate the advice ;)
  • thatirishbast...

    Posts: 3523

    Jun 18, 2013 8:06 PM GMT
    Apparition saidldr do not work. you need regular sex or you are not in a relationship.


    My sister and her husband were separated by his first two deployments during their engagement, and then saw each other for three weeks out of their first ten months of marriage because of his third. To this day they are maddeningly in love and adore each other. It's so good to hear that their relationship isn't real.

    OP I can say anything that hasn't been said better. Talk to the man. He was evasive for a reason. Also, focus on your bar exam first. Don't even call or text if its going to distract you from the culmination of your hard work.