Coming out to Homophobic family/parents...Any advice?

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    Jun 18, 2013 12:13 AM GMT
    Hey Guys

    I was born in a traditional roman catholic, middle class, West Indian home and was raised to believe from an early age that gay people and homosexuality was WRONG/EVIL...My parents and extended family remain homophobic to the point that a cousin of mine (who I recently found out is gay) was not notified of our grandmothers death by her mother (my aunt) who feared she would show up at the funeral with her girlfriend. I am worried I might face a similar fate but the older I get, the less I careicon_smile.gif

    Any advice on coming out to my homophobic relatives?

    Thanks
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3520

    Jun 18, 2013 1:14 AM GMT
    do it. communicate. buy them books. be more manly about it and lay down the law. burn down a church or two...

    some of those are options.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 18, 2013 1:19 AM GMT
    They will always believe you are going to hell, and no matter how well they know you they will assume the stereotypes are true about you. icon_sad.gif
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    Jun 18, 2013 1:27 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear that you are in such a tough predicament man. That's a rough scenario, because strongly homophobic relatives are unpredictable - sometimes they may surprise you and come around to the idea, and other times they dig their feet into the dirt and stand firm in their opposition.

    I would say to do it sooner rather than later. It's going to suck no matter what early on, but as time passes, they may mellow on the idea when they realize it won't change. Also, it's probably better to do it while single - if you have a boyfriend, they may view him as the "corrupter" and take some of their feelings out on him.

    If you have a support system (friends, family that are more open-minded, etc), let them know in advance that you are about to come out, so that you have someone people in your corner should the worst case scenario play out.

    Good luck! icon_smile.gif



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 18, 2013 1:41 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]
    If you have a support system (friends, family that are more open-minded, etc), let them know in advance that you are about to come out, so that you have someone people in your corner should the worst case scenario play out.
    Good luck! icon_smile.gif



    [/quote]

    My thoughts exactly, I was in a similar situation when I came out as a teen, having a small network of close friends saved my life.
    I'm not saying it will happen to you OP, but being shunned by your family can be devastating.
    You might want to talk to someone first, someone you're close to and can trust. Create a back-up plan for when you need support or a safe place to go.
    All the best to you.
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    Jun 18, 2013 5:01 AM GMT
    dc0776 saidSorry to hear that you are in such a tough predicament man. That's a rough scenario, because strongly homophobic relatives are unpredictable - sometimes they may surprise you and come around to the idea, and other times they dig their feet into the dirt and stand firm in their opposition.

    I would say to do it sooner rather than later. It's going to suck no matter what early on, but as time passes, they may mellow on the idea when they realize it won't change. Also, it's probably better to do it while single - if you have a boyfriend, they may view him as the "corrupter" and take some of their feelings out on him.

    If you have a support system (friends, family that are more open-minded, etc), let them know in advance that you are about to come out, so that you have someone people in your corner should the worst case scenario play out.

    Good luck! icon_smile.gif





    +1
    But don't make any moves along those lines unless you're completely independent of them for practical things - finances, shelter, etc.
    You could also visit this Website for more info, and attend meetings of the organization:

    http://www.pflag.org
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 18, 2013 5:46 PM GMT
    Don't.
    The problems outweigh the benefits.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 18, 2013 5:54 PM GMT
    I come from a religious muslim family who has inherited traditional values not only from our religious background but also our cultural background(indian, arab,indonesian). From, what I know - my religion as well as my cultural heritages view homosexuality as unfavorable but at the end of the day my family still love me(they know I'm gay they just don't acknowledge it) I know this because it took them years after they found out for us to build a better relationship

    If you're going to tell them be prepared for all hell to break loose(this can go on for a while) but remember that regardless of who you're fucking your family will always love you no matter how hard they try not to.

    but my advice to you would be to spare them the heart break and you the emotional trouble of having to deal with the stress and live as openly as you can without them having to know.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 18, 2013 6:21 PM GMT
    For one, make sure you have NO financial responsibility with them.

    Best of luck
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jun 18, 2013 6:49 PM GMT
    It sounds like you already believe they won't love you, therefore I would tell them. If they confirm your suspicions, then you've lost nothing. The rift was always there. It's not your fault. It's the church's fault for calling something a sin that isn't. Lying to someone to maintain a cordial relationship isn't love. That's just part of being in a religious cult that has brainwashed them into rejecting their own son.

    At some point, maybe down the line, they might come around and love you for who you are. And at that point they will have evolved as people. Ftw.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 18, 2013 7:01 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]HottJoe said[/cite]It sounds like you already believe they won't love you, therefore I would tell them. If they confirm your suspicions, then you've lost nothing. The rift was always there. It's not your fault. It's the church's fault for calling something a sin that isn't. Lying to someone to maintain a cordial relationship isn't love. That's just part of being in a religious cult that has brainwashed them into rejecting their own son.

    At some point, maybe down the line, they might come around and love you for who you are. And at that point they will have evolved as people. Ftw.[/quote

    I think you're wrong about the brainwashing thing, you shouldn't belittle something that is spiritually valuable to someone despite it being in your opinion wrong because then you're just as brainwashed by thinking thy're unevolved for being true to the things they believe
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 18, 2013 7:09 PM GMT
    Be patient and try to take their initial reactions in stride. Time can be a great healer.

    I came out to my Fundamentalist Christian parents over 7 years ago and it's still a headache, to say the least.
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    Jun 18, 2013 7:18 PM GMT
    If you still depend on them finacially speaking, then DON'T do it. Otherwise, if you have the need to come out then fuck 'em and do it.

    G'luck man.
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    Jun 18, 2013 7:28 PM GMT
    fitmascislandguy saidHey Guys

    I was born in a traditional roman catholic, middle class, West Indian home and was raised to believe from an early age that gay people and homosexuality was WRONG/EVIL...


    I was also raised up that way at first...but not quite on a homophobic level. But in my case, it seemed like by the time I turned 18...my life was my business and I did what I wanted to do. The conversations stopped a few months prior to turning 18. I don't know why they made such a big deal out of it when I was in my teens. But hell, it wasn't even just that. I couldn't even spend a night at 2 boys house I knew because they had a sister and they were scared of what would happen if I was in the house with another female icon_rolleyes.gif

    I think it was more of them just being overprotective. They felt that gay people had AIDS and being I was underaged, it would have possible put me at risk if I was gay. At this point, it's not even an issue and I have no desire to come out unless they start pushing me to get married and have kids, which they haven't. I don't feel coming out just to come out is necessary. It has to be a reasoning to it. Who I'm dating, f*cking, etc. is non of their business.
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    Jun 18, 2013 7:41 PM GMT
    My family is very conservative, very Christian, and very Southern...

    My advice is to come out. You may be the only example of a gay man close to them, and it is important that you be that example that demonstrates to them in a tangible way that everything they're afraid of is bogus.

    My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles have all noticeably changed their views about homosexuality since learning I was gay and seeing that the man they've loved for decades is just the same as he's always been... he's just also gay.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jun 18, 2013 7:43 PM GMT
    GoldenBrown said[quote][cite]HottJoe said[/cite]It sounds like you already believe they won't love you, therefore I would tell them. If they confirm your suspicions, then you've lost nothing. The rift was always there. It's not your fault. It's the church's fault for calling something a sin that isn't. Lying to someone to maintain a cordial relationship isn't love. That's just part of being in a religious cult that has brainwashed them into rejecting their own son.

    At some point, maybe down the line, they might come around and love you for who you are. And at that point they will have evolved as people. Ftw.[/quote

    I think you're wrong about the brainwashing thing, you shouldn't belittle something that is spiritually valuable to someone despite it being in your opinion wrong because then you're just as brainwashed by thinking thy're unevolved for being true to the things they believe


    That argument didn't work for the Manson gang.
  • isuflyboy

    Posts: 363

    Jun 18, 2013 7:44 PM GMT
    I'm having the same problem, my whole family is completely homophobic even my closest cousin. I have a few friends from college who know but no one here at home knows.
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    Jun 18, 2013 7:44 PM GMT
    Just join the priesthood. They will love you, you don't have to come out, and you get to have all the gay sex you want.

    It's a win/win.

    Wish I would have thought of it in my youth.
  • HottJoe

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    Jun 18, 2013 7:46 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidJust join the priesthood. They will love you, you don't have to come out, and you get to have all the gay sex you want.

    It's a win/win.

    Wish I would have thought of it in my youth.


    As a former Catholic schoolboy I can remember having to consider it.icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 18, 2013 7:49 PM GMT
    HottJoe said
    UndercoverMan saidJust join the priesthood. They will love you, you don't have to come out, and you get to have all the gay sex you want.

    It's a win/win.

    Wish I would have thought of it in my youth.


    As a former Catholic schoolboy I can remember having to consider it.icon_confused.gif


    You're preaching to the choir, bro! I think a lot of gay Catholic boys who were raised in a very religious household had considered it at one time or another.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jun 18, 2013 7:53 PM GMT
    blackhawksfan saidFor one, make sure you have NO financial responsibility with them.

    Best of luck




    Excellent advice! Narrow-minded homophobic parents often use their pocket book as "revenge" against this kids.....gay OR str8.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 18, 2013 9:21 PM GMT
    [quote] That argument didn't work for the Manson gang.[/quote]

    you know what I meant and besides there's nothing wrong with thinking being gay is a sin just like there's nothing wrong thinking its not
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jun 18, 2013 9:43 PM GMT
    Ya, if you're financially independent, just do it. Ya never know. Like was said, probably more will accept it with grace than you expect. The others mostly will come around in time and if not, well you've started your own life. You can't live through their prejudices forever and every day you live the lie, the fewer days of happiness you'll have. If you're not independent, get independent now.
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    Jun 18, 2013 9:47 PM GMT
    Wait until you have a long term serious partner, and make sure they are a doctor or a lawyer, then they won't care.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jun 18, 2013 9:48 PM GMT
    GoldenBrown said[quote] That argument didn't work for the Manson gang.


    you know what I meant and besides there's nothing wrong with thinking being gay is a sin just like there's nothing wrong thinking its not[/quote]

    It's wrong to think being gay is a sin. It's wrong to turn your back on your son because he's gay. And it's definitely wrong to have faith in a religion that tells you to reject people.