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  Jun 18, 2013 3:41 AM GMT

  Hey hey people,
  
  So I am in a ltr just gone 6 years, we have been up and down and recently have been through a particularly rough patch
  
  Three days ago I guess I caught him out chatting on an online chat roulette style site but with nudity
  
  While he did not have a cam on himself or a picture of himself on there, he had a video of a chick so that the guy on the other end would start jackig etc while he was just looking, this has really really upset me
  
  Am I being over the top about this? It was just the same as watching porn except for the conversation part, but I can't help but feel betrayed and sad and angry and all the feelings that get you when your alone. Obviously some sort of sexual talk would have gone on and now this has destroyed my trust and makes me think "is there more I am oblivious too"
  
  In saying that, these are anonymous people who are living who knows where
  
  I know we need to talk this through o sort it out I just wanted to see what you guys thought about this

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• AMoonHawk
  
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  Jun 18, 2013 4:29 AM GMT

  So it sounds like he is cruzing straight guys if he has a chicks pick up there ... To me, that is creepy ... grounds for divorce ... you've already lost him anyway

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• MikeW
  
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  Jun 18, 2013 4:35 AM GMT

  everyone likes to get their rocks off.
  
  why is it we get so bent out of shape when someone we have feelings for decides to get their rocks off with someone else?
  
  seriously.
  
  what is the big fn deal?

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  Jun 18, 2013 4:38 AM GMT

  MikeW saideveryone likes to get their rocks off.
  
  why is it we get so bent out of shape when someone we have feelings for decides to get their rocks off with someone else?
  
  seriously.
  
  what is the big fn deal?

  
  If my boyfriend were representing himself with pictures of women so straight men would jack off to them so he could jack off to the straight guy jacking I'd consider it a substantial fucking deal.

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  Jun 18, 2013 4:40 AM GMT

  Jackin' ain't cheatin'.
  But passing oneself off as something one's not, even online, betrays a deceptive streak - ya think?

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• MikeW
  
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  Jun 18, 2013 4:43 AM GMT

  Matiz said

  MikeW saideveryone likes to get their rocks off.
  
  why is it we get so bent out of shape when someone we have feelings for decides to get their rocks off with someone else?
  
  seriously.
  
  what is the big fn deal?

  
  If my boyfriend were representing himself with pictures of women so straight men would jack off to them so he could jack off to the straight guy jacking I'd consider it a substantial fucking deal.

  
  apparently you're not alone but i don't get it.

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  Jun 18, 2013 4:44 AM GMT

  MikeW said
  apparently you're not alone but i don't get it.

  
  
  It's ok though. Things are a big deal to different people for different reasons. You don't need to identify with it yourself.

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  Jun 18, 2013 4:47 AM GMT

  MikeW said

  Matiz said

  MikeW saideveryone likes to get their rocks off.
  
  why is it we get so bent out of shape when someone we have feelings for decides to get their rocks off with someone else?
  
  seriously.
  
  what is the big fn deal?

  
  If my boyfriend were representing himself with pictures of women so straight men would jack off to them so he could jack off to the straight guy jacking I'd consider it a substantial fucking deal.

  
  apparently you're not alone but i don't get it.

  
  
  
  Out of sheer curiosity, please explain why you do not understand??

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  Jun 18, 2013 4:48 AM GMT

  I agree that you two need to talk it over. Hope it goes well.

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  Jun 18, 2013 5:48 AM GMT

  The whole using a video of a girl thing was to remove himself from it so to speak
  
  It's not as bad as it seems if its not me kinda thing
  
  It's eating me up now
  This sucks

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  Jun 18, 2013 5:57 AM GMT

  #StraightGuyLust
  
  Talk to your boyfriend. Perhaps there are some other things he's not telling you.

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• MikeW
  
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  Jun 18, 2013 6:42 AM GMT

  shahzada said
  Out of sheer curiosity, please explain why you do not understand??

  
  I'm not sure I know how to explain it. I do know that part of it for me is that "fidelity" just seems so hetero-normative. It all boiling down to male domination and ownership of the female and the children that she bares and insuring the "purity" of the bloodline and all that.
  
  I understand that we get attached to people emotionally and I view that as a good thing. Emotional bonding is a good thing. Sex can be a big part of that but sex can also just be sex. So, I make a distinction between emotional fidelity and sexual fidelity. It isn't that I haven't experienced jealousy, I have, but I also view it as a kind of weakness. A fear of loss that invariably insures the loss that was feared.

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  Jun 18, 2013 6:53 AM GMT

  Beats meeting up with guys in motel rooms behind your back.

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  Jun 18, 2013 7:23 AM GMT

  Your right Turbobilly
  
  Why is my mind being such a bitch about it all
  How do you placate your emotions in a situation like this
  Do you hash it out or does it take its sweet time?

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  Jun 18, 2013 7:49 AM GMT

  MikeW saidwhy is it we get so bent out of shape when someone we have feelings for decides to get their rocks off with someone else?
  
  seriously.
  
  what is the big fn deal?

  
  It's because c0nz is in a re-la-tion-ship. Part of being in a relationship is taking your partner's heart into consideration. It's also about being able to communicate with your partner.
  It would be one thing if his partner said that he likes getting off camming with other guys; it's a whole different story when c0nz's partner can't talk to him about his turn-ons and has to hide it.
  That's the big deal.
  
  And hiding behind a fake profile is weird too. Yes, that goes with all the fake profiles here on RJ too.
  
  
  C0nz, I'm sorry you're going through this.
  Ok, if you want to repair things with you man, you will have to talk about this with him. He didn't have intercourse, but he's certainly acting like he did something wrong. If he didn't, he wouldn't have to hide his chat roulette activities from you.

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  Jun 18, 2013 8:50 AM GMT

  MikeW said

  shahzada said
  Out of sheer curiosity, please explain why you do not understand??

  
  I'm not sure I know how to explain it. I do know that part of it for me is that "fidelity" just seems so hetero-normative. It all boiling down to male domination and ownership of the female and the children that she bares and insuring the "purity" of the bloodline and all that.
  
  I understand that we get attached to people emotionally and I view that as a good thing. Emotional bonding is a good thing. Sex can be a big part of that but sex can also just be sex. So, I make a distinction between emotional fidelity and sexual fidelity. It isn't that I haven't experienced jealousy, I have, but I also view it as a kind of weakness. A fear of loss that invariably insures the loss that was feared.

  
  
  Thanks.. I cannot wrap my mind around your point of view, and I doubt i'll ever see things as you see them, but I won't encroach on your lifestyle. If that's what works for you then carry on!

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• MikeW
  
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  Jun 18, 2013 4:06 PM GMT

  Macaque said

  MikeW saidwhy is it we get so bent out of shape when someone we have feelings for decides to get their rocks off with someone else?
  
  seriously.
  
  what is the big fn deal?

  
  It's because c0nz is in a re-la-tion-ship. Part of being in a relationship is taking your partner's heart into consideration. It's also about being able to communicate with your partner.
  It would be one thing if his partner said that he likes getting off camming with other guys; it's a whole different story when c0nz's partner can't talk to him about his turn-ons and has to hide it.
  That's the big deal.
  
  And hiding behind a fake profile is weird too. Yes, that goes with all the fake profiles here on RJ too.
  
  
  C0nz, I'm sorry you're going through this.
  Ok, if you want to repair things with you man, you will have to talk about this with him. He didn't have intercourse, but he's certainly acting like he did something wrong. If he didn't, he wouldn't have to hide his chat roulette activities from you.

  
  Ok, so maybe his partner has a fetish ("tricking" straight guys) and is embarrassed about having it. True, communication would help, as would not being ashamed of our fetishes. But the reality is many of us don't know how to communicate especially when shame is involved.
  
  I'm not pushing any particular agenda here. I understand relationships need to define "fidelity," set boundaries are and so on. But I think it is unfortunate that so many relationships end up on the rocks due to what could be rather minor infractions of those agreements. So, to me, the emotional commitment is more important that the strictly sexual one. None of us are perfect, that is for damn sure, and there has to be room for understanding and forgiveness of our differences and old wounds and scars.

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• MikeW
  
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  Jun 18, 2013 4:09 PM GMT

  shahzada saidThanks.. I cannot wrap my mind around your point of view, and I doubt i'll ever see things as you see them, but I won't encroach on your lifestyle. If that's what works for you then carry on!

  
  FWIW, I've been in both monogamous and open relationships. They both have their plusses and minuses. For sure, open relationships are not 'easy' unless those participating feel damn secure in their emotional commitment.

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  Jun 18, 2013 4:20 PM GMT

  c0nz saidYour right Turbobilly
  
  Why is my mind being such a bitch about it all
  How do you placate your emotions in a situation like this
  Do you hash it out or does it take its sweet time?

  
  
  Because you have a right to be upset about it? Aside from the fact he's doing something creepy, if he wants to JO with other people in person or over a cam, he should tell you that before he does it.

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• Philip101
  
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  Jun 18, 2013 10:59 PM GMT

  MikeW said

  shahzada said
  Out of sheer curiosity, please explain why you do not understand??

  
  I'm not sure I know how to explain it. I do know that part of it for me is that "fidelity" just seems so hetero-normative. It all boiling down to male domination and ownership of the female and the children that she bares and insuring the "purity" of the bloodline and all that.
  
  I understand that we get attached to people emotionally and I view that as a good thing. Emotional bonding is a good thing. Sex can be a big part of that but sex can also just be sex. So, I make a distinction between emotional fidelity and sexual fidelity. It isn't that I haven't experienced jealousy, I have, but I also view it as a kind of weakness. A fear of loss that invariably insures the loss that was feared.

  
  
  +1000.
  
  This would not bother me in the slightest. I am not the jealous, possessive type, and I appreciate that sex can be enjoyed in the context of a strong emotional bond, and it can also be enjoyed as a form of sport.
  
  One's partner can have ownership of another's heart, but it is not healthy, balanced or reasonable (for some of us at least) to demand exclusive ownership of every form of the other partner's sexual expression.
  
  To me it is the height of arrogance for one person to expect to completely fulfill the other partner's complete sexual needs spanning a period of a lifetime.

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• BryUSC88
  
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  Jun 18, 2013 11:21 PM GMT

  "why is it we get so bent out of shape when someone we have feelings for decides to get their rocks off with someone else?"
  
  WOW...really? I know we all have different ideas about relationships...but how my boyfriend "gets his rocks off" matters a GREAT DEAL to me. (And for the record...I don't have a boyfriend...but still hopeful)
  
  And the whole pretending to be a chick thing and jerking off with someone online is COMPLETELY out of bounds to me.

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  Jun 19, 2013 2:15 AM GMT

  The jacking off part doesn't bother me at all. Using someone else's pic, however, is pretty creepy. I think each couple has to decide what the ground rules are though. Tricking people into doing things with you they wouldn't otherwise do with you... Kinda fucked up. Why not just go to Xtube and skip the whole deception thing?

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