Advice on my EX boyfriend.

  • tomking

    Posts: 19

    Jun 19, 2013 11:00 AM GMT
    My EX and I were together for 9 months. He broke up with me because I had addiction problems and our sex was bad in the end. He is versatile. I am versatile. But I had erectile dysfunction so was never TOP for him. I was bottom for him. He said sex was so important to him. He met many times after we broke up. Then went into No contact. 6 months later we met up and held hands. Both still loved each other. But I still had my issues. Then he went NO CONTACt again.

    Anyway after 9 months he got a new boyfriend. So he obviously loved me and it took him along time to be with somebody else. He is 28. New guy is 19. Within a month saw them advertising for threesomes. WTF? And saw my EX on Grindr advertising himself as bottom? He is not a cheater so obviously looking for third person for him and his new toyboy.

    Two months ago I sent him a long Facebook message telling him my problems had been dealt with. I apologized. Said I still loved him. Said I know the sex was bad in the end but I am better now and can be what we both want. He replied immediately saying he was abroad and hoped to reply when he was back. He never did. Turns out because he had this new 19 year old.

    I will always love him but have blocked him from Facebook now. Cannot see them together anymore. I got angry. He left me in limbo knowing that I waited for a response. Instead of telling me he had a new boy in his life and putting me out of my misery he kept me waiting.

    But my question is why has he got a new toyboy and having threesomes? I feel like because he really loves sex he is using this guy to try and get over me? I just cannot see that he will love him? I mean he never asked me for threesomes. He was very possessive. Once I said I might go to a gay club with a friend. He said "don't do that I will get jealous".

    Yet if he was so possessive with me and just wanted to be with me and never suggested threesomes etc then suddenly he has this 19 year old and he can stand sharing him with a third person?

    What do you all think about him and this new relationship? To me it feels like he is all about the sex and just wants this new boy for sex and to have fun with. I mean how can they have a proper relationship? He always told me what he wanted was "family". I said we are gay you want to adopt? He said no family can just be two people together.

    Was him not replying keeping me waiting for him whilst he has his fun with this new guy and then would come back to me?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2013 11:33 AM GMT
    Might be time for you to walk away. Knowing about the new "boytoy" and his advertising for threesomes sounds way to close to stalking.
  • thatirishbast...

    Posts: 3523

    Jun 19, 2013 11:41 AM GMT
    Is he your ex? Yes. Then I have no opinion or advice concerning his relationship, and neither should you.
  • tomking

    Posts: 19

    Jun 19, 2013 12:00 PM GMT
    Oh come on guys!

    Just imagine I was the 19 year old...What advice would you have on that relationship of the age difference and the threesomes...healthy? commited? long term?

  • tomking

    Posts: 19

    Jun 19, 2013 12:02 PM GMT
    I know about his boytoy because the photo was on my facebook . I know about the threesomes because I accidentally saw him on grindr looking for sex and I knew he was in a relationship. So I had to know had the guy I been with is a cheater? Did he cheat on me? So he has another gay profile and I saw that they were looking for threesomes.
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    Jun 19, 2013 12:05 PM GMT
  • thatirishbast...

    Posts: 3523

    Jun 19, 2013 12:11 PM GMT
    tomking saidOh come on guys!

    Just imagine I was the 19 year old...What advice would you have on that relationship of the age difference and the threesomes...healthy? commited? long term?



    You're not.

    And as he is still your ex, what he does is still no longer any of your business.
  • tomking

    Posts: 19

    Jun 19, 2013 12:13 PM GMT
    The reason I want you to answer the questions is this

    The song is right. But soon I will work my ass off and then go travelling for 6 months to truly get over my ex boyfriend and end the love for him.

    But we were friends once also and one day I want him back in my life as a friend when I can cope with him being with other people. I want to be friends with him because he is also a talented artist and I liked his input, perception.

    But I am trying to find out just about this new relationship...why is he doing that with a 19 year old and threesomes and all this? So unlike him.

    I have had plenty of ex's and I forget them. They have all but one come back into my life and I am friends with them. He was special. There must be a reason I cannot forget this man 10 months later. Sometimes people do get back together.

    So help me please and just give me your opinions on this please guys.
  • offshore

    Posts: 1294

    Jun 19, 2013 12:13 PM GMT
    thatirishbastard said
    tomking saidOh come on guys!

    Just imagine I was the 19 year old...What advice would you have on that relationship of the age difference and the threesomes...healthy? commited? long term?



    You're not.

    And as he is still your ex, what he does is still no longer any of your business.


    /end thread, get over it OP.

  • Rene_Aensland

    Posts: 2495

    Jun 19, 2013 12:17 PM GMT
    I'm going to be blunt here.

    Get over it man, he's your ex. Keep him blocked, the longer you feel like you have to spy on him the more fucked up your head is going to get getting older.

    You're going to start developing mad trust issues, just chill out and let it go.

    These are the type of guys EVERYONE avoids.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2013 12:20 PM GMT
    offshore said
    thatirishbastard said
    tomking saidOh come on guys!

    Just imagine I was the 19 year old...What advice would you have on that relationship of the age difference and the threesomes...healthy? commited? long term?



    You're not.

    And as he is still your ex, what he does is still no longer any of your business.


    /end thread, get over it OP.




    THIS ^
  • tomking

    Posts: 19

    Jun 19, 2013 12:27 PM GMT
    You guys are being unfair and insensitive.

    If you answered the question and had said because maybe he was all about sex then I could move on a lot easier.

    You keep saying move on. To move on you have to have some questions answered!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2013 12:34 PM GMT
    Welcome to life.
  • tomking

    Posts: 19

    Jun 19, 2013 12:38 PM GMT
    Personally I feel I have no right for him to tell me about his new boyfriend. He does not have too.

    But I sent that long message telling him I still loved him 2 months before I knew about this new boy. He said he hoped to reply when he got back from abroad. He never did.

    He knew I was waiting for this message and he was keeping me as a friend on facebook.

    He knew I would wait. he knows me. He should of told me about the new boy or said "no tom it's totally over".

    But he kept me in my misery waiting for him and him keeping me in some small way in his life.

    Was this not cruel of him? Or was he keeping me for a rainy day when he wants somebody to love again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2013 12:47 PM GMT
    I don't understand...
    What kind of bf prefers sex over a partner?

    I can understand you love him, but does he?
    Based on your description it may be only infatuation for him.

  • tomking

    Posts: 19

    Jun 19, 2013 12:59 PM GMT
    It;s weird.

    On one hand I think he loved me. EVIDENCE: Took him 9 months to move on. He cried a lot. Was gentle after breaking up and met many times with me. 6 months after break up said "i still cry sometimes thinking about you" and "I care" and met me.

    On the other hand after the BREAK UP : "sorry to talk about sex but is so important to me".


    He said he hated my lifestyle. I smoked. I drank. I was reckless.

    I think he wanted to help. He said to me once while we were dating "you have to change". I said "NO!" because I thought if a man wants you to change then he is not worth it. But looking back I did want to change. I did want to get better. What was he asking from me? To help myself and be healthier and happier. But he is so bad at communicating he never said these things.

    He fell in love very fast with me. It took me longer. I worry it was lust in reality and love in his mind?

    So I am not sure...what do you all think?

    Apart of me feels I broke his heart and my own through having an addiction and not changing or getting better. So a part of me did change after break up first for him. That didn't work. Then for myself. That worked. So a part of me believes we could be happy together because I finally changed and started being a real man he deserves. Because he did not deserve an addict that would not help himself.

    This is why I also want to know about the new relationship. Was I totally the monster to him or were we monsters to each other and he just cared about the sex fundamentally?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 19, 2013 1:07 PM GMT
    My impression is, "this is the time for you to move along and find someone else". I understand your love for him, but at some point, it is healthier for you to "take stock" in yourself (basically do a kind of review of where you are at) and move along. Put him in your past and focus on your future. Work to find a new relationship that is healthy. Learn from your past experiences.. but don't keep focusing on what your ex is doing and why. Accept it and move along. He has his life and you have yours. Live it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2013 1:08 PM GMT
    Tha answer is still move on. The big two letter clue is in the post title "EX".
  • tomking

    Posts: 19

    Jun 19, 2013 1:17 PM GMT
    Yes but have your ex boyfriends never come back? They usually always do in the future.
  • thatirishbast...

    Posts: 3523

    Jun 19, 2013 1:23 PM GMT
    tomking saidYes but have your ex boyfriends never come back? They usually always do in the future.


    Your ex boyfriend is not the same man as your other ex boyfriends. He has no obligation to return to you, you have no right to demand details about his current relationship so you can bring him back to you, and quite frankly your current nine posts here make it increasingly evident why he put a hemisphere between the two of you.
  • tomking

    Posts: 19

    Jun 19, 2013 1:30 PM GMT
    You are so cruel!

    I think I had addiction problems which I worked on and got better and then wanted to tell him this because I loved him.

    You all just seem to leave somebody then thats it forever. Love doesn't fade you just start to bury it in your heart.
  • tomking

    Posts: 19

    Jun 19, 2013 1:37 PM GMT
    Yes I ponder it.

    Just guess I am different to you all?

    One ex I had abandoned me in Mexico city. Three years later he apologized and we are friends now.

    Another put himself into a young persons psychiatric unit. I went and visited him. When he got better he dumped me and has never come back and never will.

    Another came back after four years.

    I know what my gut is telling me. I might never get another second chance but we could be friends.

    You all seem so hurt and cold.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2013 1:43 PM GMT
    Needy stalkers are never pretty. Read the thread again, no one is cold or cruel, they are just telling you reality and you refuse to see/hear it, you want the answers only you find acceptable.
    People say walk away because, I'm guessing, everyone has either been you or a portion of your ex. The healthiest way for you to move on is to just close the door, but that's not what you want/need to hear.
    How about this, you appear needy and crazy. The more you focus on your past, the less time you spend focused on your future.
  • tomking

    Posts: 19

    Jun 19, 2013 1:50 PM GMT
    Ok. I am not a stalker when I found out about them I knew I could not handle it so deleted them/blocked them. So I cannot see what they are doing and leave them alone. This was a healthy step. So how am I stalking them if I deleted all possible access to information?

    Secondly instead of being weird and going to his home etc which I have never done I decided to move on. But to do that I just had to ask my original question. I have to know whether he really loved me or not! Whether he is just a sexual man about the sex or whether he did love me. Whatever the answer I can accept and move on. He has.

    But do you understand I need to know whether these times I spent with him he did love or me or not?!

    So I provided the information and I just want a guys point of view of what type of guy you think he is.

    I actually wanted to break up with him before he broke up with me. Because he would not communicate how he was feeling. But I stopped because I loved this man and it could be worked on.

    The worry I have is you all seem to think "move on". Yes. But you need to learn the lessons that broke your old relationship so they do not do it to your new one. Otherwise history repeats itself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2013 2:05 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]tomking said[/cite]I know about his boytoy because the photo was on my facebook . I know about the threesomes because I accidentally saw him on grindr looking for sex and I knew he was in a relationship. So I had to know had the guy I been with is a cheater? Did he cheat on me? So he has another gay profile and I saw that they were looking

    Join in a 12 step program. Go to one meeting and you will see why. You were the cause of the breakup. No sane person would want to revisit that.