Could you be with someone who had an ostomy bag?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2013 4:19 PM GMT
    Hi everyone! I was recently diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis which, after a two week stay in the hospital, has been one of the hardest experiences I have ever had to go through. The reality is that some people with UC end up getting an ostomy bag as a last resort. For those of you who don't know, the ostomy bag is a device that is attached to the lower abdomen to collect waste. My quesiton is this: if you met a guy like me, went on a few dates and found out that I had an ostomy bag, would that pretty much be a deal breaker? Would I basically be worthless for dating? Like anyone else, I want to be in a solid relationship with someone, but I'm just trying to figure out if this basically makes me a freak show in the gay community. I'm gonna try and ignore trolls and just focus on the serious answers. I feel like I'm a guy who has a lot to offer, and I would hope that one aspect of my life wouldn't make me an outcast.
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    Jun 19, 2013 4:30 PM GMT
    not a deal breaker for me.. particularly in your case. You seem very open about it which is key. As with anything else that could be considered a set-back, as long as you love yourself then you can accept being loved. I am sure this is a major struggle for guys in that position. Life is shitty sometimes but that doesn't mean you should let it get in the way of living.



    forgive me if I offend with my attempt at humor.
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    Jun 19, 2013 5:02 PM GMT
    Your cute face with a bag attached to your abdomen or a guy with perfect abs but a face you'd want to bag.

    As a kid one of my friends had a bag. It broke a few times.

    So my advice is don't become a stripper at a boy bar.

    Personally I'd have a bigger issue with someone wearing a cock ring. My brain can handle a medical issue even if it might freak me out somewhat, but I can't at all handle the unnecessary, optional apparatus. I could work around a plastic tube that has to be there. But a piece of metal inserted for no medical purpose, no thanx.

    Practically speaking, your condition might limit your options for full on naked sex with certain tricks but not for semi clothed quickies and if it matters in a long term relationship then that's not the guy you'd want anyway. So it adds a dimension to your life but that shouldn't ruin it.

    Essentially the people who might not be able to deal with this also have trouble purchasing their own toilet paper in a supermarket during daylight hours. (I actually had to teach some guy in college how it's done--the extent of inhibitions some harbor is astonishing.)

    Don't fret it, man. Be yourself. Enjoy your life.
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    Jun 19, 2013 5:05 PM GMT
    I have no idea what that ostomy bag is or what it looks like, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I mean I might have to get used to it or whatever, but if you really like someone then that person's hurdle is yours too. If I were your BF, I'd just be glad that you're alive and well - who cares about some bag?
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 19, 2013 5:07 PM GMT
    I thought that was a colostomy bag .... what is the difference? Does it mean your butt will always be squeaky clean? Does it stay attached all the time or is it removable? Will it interfere with having sex, if so how?
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    Jun 19, 2013 5:09 PM GMT
    sorry about your situation, man. i'm sure there's guys that will overlook that because they like you. if a guy rejects you because of it, they never liked you in the first place. don't worry about it.
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Jun 19, 2013 6:03 PM GMT
    I hope, for your sake, that it doesn't come to that. Take one step at a time as you address your issues and don't worry about what might happen.
    To answer your question - for some guys, yes - it will be a deal breaker, just being honest - that's the hard reality that some guys will not want to be with someone who has issues that will cause them to have to make adjustments. But, that said - guys like that aren't the type you would want to enter into a long term relationship with anyway.

    For me, it wouldn't matter. If you love someone you love them - the whole package. There are other guys like me - a physical issue is not a deal breaker - that's the kind of guy that will not let something like that be a deal breaker.

    And, yeah, it might make dating more difficult - you'd have to upfront about it - and they'd have to process the information, become educated and aware.
    But you wouldn't be the first guy to deal with physical issues and it wouldn't make you worthless for dating. If a guy is into you, he's going to be into more than just your body, if he isn't then he isn't worth dating - he'd be the worthless one, not you.


    AMoonHawk asks some good questions, and how it would affect your sex life is something you'd need to educate yourself on. It's probably the first thing some guys would worry or wonder about. While sex isn't the most important thing in dating or relationships, it is important. Having an ostomy bag might not be a deal breaker, but not being able to have a healthy sex life might be.

    My best to you - Be strong and be healthy - you're a good person with a lot to offer, don't let this aspect of your life discourage you.
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Jun 19, 2013 6:08 PM GMT
    you probably won't end up with one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 19, 2013 8:05 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidI thought that was a colostomy bag .... what is the difference? Does it mean your butt will always be squeaky clean? Does it stay attached all the time or is it removable? Will it interfere with having sex, if so how?



    I think we're talking about the same thing; there's several names that people call it. It would be removable, but under it is a pink dot where the waste is rerouted to.
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    Jun 19, 2013 8:09 PM GMT
    I really appreciate the supportive comments, and I agree that someone who doesn't want to be with me because of that probably isn't the right guy. I mean, who wants someone who's gonna book it when things get tough?
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    Jun 20, 2013 2:05 PM GMT
    Eh I couldn't care less, but then again I see this on a daily basis at work and far more " crazy stuff". So while I understand its a source of anxiety for you( as it would be for anyone), I wouldn't worry about it too much. you seem like a nice guy and Im sure you will find someone who see's that.

    Side note: has your Doc told you if this will be permanent or will you have a take down reversal at some point? what else have you done beforehand for treatments?( if you don't wanna answer any of this( as its the internet) Just ignore this all icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jun 20, 2013 4:46 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidI thought that was a colostomy bag .... what is the difference?


    It's the same thing. The only difference is location of the bag - stomach versus intestines.

    OP - Like Tony_, I'm a nurse too and it doesn't bother me. But don't expect a guy to immediately understand your condition and if he freaks out from initial shock, that's expected. As long as you educate him on the purpose of the bag, then there shouldn't be a problem. Plus, ostomy bags for UC are normally temporary. When your body heals, the bag is removed. Hang in there!
  • G_rocco

    Posts: 20

    Jun 25, 2013 3:31 AM GMT
    I think a lot of how I would react would depend on *your* comfort level with the bag. If you we're ok with it, I'd have no problem with it. But if it made you nervous or was something you were embarrassed or ashamed of I could get uncomfortable or weirded it by it. Here's hoping you won't need to deal with that situation though.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 1:47 AM GMT
    Not a deal breaker for me. It's all the other great things about you that count
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    Jun 28, 2013 7:54 AM GMT
    Just as someone who would not date me because of my race is probably not the right guy, so is someone who would not date you because of such a condition. icon_wink.gif